Where is Your Happy Place?

“Wandering re-establishes the original harmony which once existed between man and the universe.”
-Anatole France

You’ve arrived

Where are you? What are the smells, the sounds, the landscape, the energy, and the people like? What emotions rise like a hot air balloon in your chest, slowly filling up with the gust of anticipation, of fun? What is the relationship that you have with this place? I bet it’s a very happy place, indeed.

Switcheroo

I get stuck. This happens about once every three months if I don’t give my surroundings a little switcheroo. Call it boredom, call it a shiny thing withdrawal, call it ADHD, call it whatever you will—but it’s true. As a result, I’ve learned it’s super important to intentionally seek out our happy places as often as possible, so we don’t get forgetful and lose perspective of the vast, diverse world we hold citizenship in.

Homebody

Perhaps you are thinking to yourself, “But I don’t need to go find my happy place, I’m a homebody, and my happy place is on the couch.” Okay, fair enough. We can dance theoretically here if you want. So, the couch is really your happy place; that’s awesome. However, if you’ve gotten comfortably numb while glued to Season 5 of House of Cards (guilty), and forgot what inspired feels like in your bones, it may be time to move around a little bit.

Don’t get me wrong, I love being at home. I love routine and ritual and rest…all those “r” words.  The older I get, I consider myself a homebody more and more. I love the control of it all, however, I can easily slip into the rut of complacency and self absorption, thinking the rest of the planet shares a striking resemblance to me.  Thankfully, it doesn’t!

New York

(One) of my happy places is New York City. I just got back from a week there to celebrate my birthday and do some much anticipated Brainspotting with the developer, Dr. David Grand. My nerd and city girl  were both fully satisfied, and It was glorious.  That said, I’ve very grateful.

When I conjure up my happy place, here’s what I envision:

I smell the steamy wafts of street vendors and food trucks hustling their curried meats, freshly baked pretzels, and savory egg and cheese sandwiches. I hear a slew of foreign languages fighting across streets to be heard; some bickering, some joking, and some sharing the latest juicy office gossip. I hear the bleating horns of cabs and the soulful strains of a singer- songwriter covering a Beatles tune in Central Park.

I see stunning, impossibly thin models smoking cigs and downing green juice on their way to a shoot.  In the same glance, the finance guys head back to Wall St. in their fitted John Varvatos and shiny watches after lunch. They’re shamelessly checking out the models.

All of it

The dreamy parks of the West Village teem with young dads swinging their kids and lovely older married couples drinking cappuccinos as they read the Times. They’ve seen a thing or two. Cafe owners fling wide their french doors and water the poppy colored pansies in the flower boxes. They thoughtfully write out the nights specials on a chalkboard and do a quick tasting of the night’s featured wines with a tiny, well-versed staff.

It’s the quirky innovation of the Highline, the classic majesty of Central Park, the edgy grit of Tribecca, the polished panache of the Upper West Side, the sweaty stench of the subway, the esteemed fashion houses of Soho, and the sprawling boldness of Brooklyn. All of it makes me intensely happy.

Faces of God

As you may gather, the City lights me up. Sure, there are other cities I adore, however, not many cities lend this visceral gift of inspiration and pulsing energy. It’s constant, messy, creative, gorgeous, exhausting, delicious…it’s life.
One of the many reasons this is my happy place is I see so many beautifully diverse faces of God. By this I mean, I’m reminded that God is pure love and creativity, and thus far bigger and better than we can possibly fit into a box.
My world shrinks up if I don’t intentionally commit to a bit of wandering. Wandering reminds me there’s an insane amount of life out there and it doesn’t look just like me. When I am in my happy place, It’s impossible NOT to see the bigger picture.

Zoom out.

If we take a wide-lens camera and zoom out really far, I think the overall footprint is love. It’s far more recognizable than hate, though hate desperately fights to be seen and heard. So, this is my invitation to you: go find the place that reminds you of life’s brilliant color, possibility, and love. You don’t have to get on a plane or spend a bunch of money. However, you may need to wander off the familiar path (or couch). Where is your happy place? Is it the ocean? The mountains?  Perhaps your the park down the street.  Whatever that place is, I’d love to know all about it…

Love & Gratitude,

katie

xoxo

A Brainspotting Session with Dr. Grand

“Where we look affects how we feel.”

-Dr. David Grand

It’s 4:30 am and I’m wide awake. In fact, I haven’t slept a wink. Sure, I struggle on and off with insomnia, but that isn’t the reason for this lack-of-shut-eye situation.

I’ve got a bad case of fan girl. By the time you read this, I will have already had my highly anticipated, seriously geeked out over, 90-minute session with Dr. David Grand, psychotherapist, writer, humanitarian, and performance coach, perhaps most well known for developing brainspotting. That’s right, I’m about to get brainspotted by the original brainspotter.

If you are unfamiliar with Dr. Grand and his groundbreaking method, hop on YouTube and check out his informative 101 video. It’s a great introduction.

Throughout the last several years, I’ve become more and more fascinated by the brain, its incredible capacity to heal itself, and the beautiful mind-body connection. I’ve experienced remarkable personal breakthrough throughout the past year using brainspotting in my own therapy, so naturally, when the opportunity arose to connect with Dr. Grand at his NYC office this week, I did a triple salchow at the chance. (Or something like that.)

I’m beyond grateful for this opportunity and can’t wait to share how it goes with you (video below).

If you’re intrigued, want to learn more about, or set up a brainspotting session, I’d love to connect. It’s a powerful resource that offers accelerated breakthrough for past trauma, emotional pain, as well as performance anxiety and enhancement.

Alright my friends, I’ll see you on the other side…and then…it’s nap time. 

Love & Gratitude,

Katie
xoxo

LOOKING FOR MORE INFO ON BRAINSPOTTING?

Read: “Forgiveness: How to Find Freedom from the Past“

Beautiful Lies: Sexual Abuse & Body Image

The Backdrop

One of my absolute favorite things about my work is getting to witness and hold space for clients’ awe-inspiring stories. It has forever changed the way I see strangers walking down the sidewalk, buying groceries, or getting coffee in the Starbucks line. Now, I like to see those people as walking miracles carrying remarkable stories, oftentimes stories that are overlooked or brushed aside.

Today’s story is a perfect example brought to you by one of the most courageous people I have ever met, Suzanna Hendricks. Suzanna is an Event Producer who was on staff close to 3 years with non-profit organization Invisible Children. She moved to Nashville to build an event production and experience design team for the common good called KAIO. in 2014 and recently relocated to Austin, TX to join the staff of the IF:Gathering team as the Development Manager.
As you can see, Suzanna does really cool stuff to effect change in our culture. Yet her greatest weapon is an unbelievably kind and generous heart coupled with a boldness to champion justice, truth, and love in every room she enters. Yep, she’s a badass.

She graciously offered to share her story today in order to shed light and hope on the stories that you might share: stories of sexual abuse, shame, and a resulting shattered body image. Shame is loudest in isolated and dark places. Today, my prayer is that Suzanna’s vulnerability and courage will start a conversation for those of us who feel trapped, silenced, and powerless in our stories of shame.  Let’s dive in.

A Lost Identity

A piece of my identity has always been rooted in shame for as long as I can remember. As people we all struggle with aspects of our identity. Yet as women, I believe we can walk through the world with an acute different standard and deep hidden pain. I’ve learned in this past decade of life that its when we expose to the light things either caused by or perpetrated in the dark, we are set free.

The women of my family are stunningly beautiful.  Beauty that both stills and draws people to them; a kind of rare magic filled with adventure and powerful energy. But our legacy read storylines of abuse, assault, rejection, abandonment, and my greatest one, shame.

Glimpses of Truth

As beautiful as my family is and as often as I have graciously been complimented for similar beauty, the truth is I never saw myself equally lovely.
Who me?

My first memory of being told I was beautiful was at age 14. It was artist Toby Mac who kindly looked at me in a receiving line post show and said, “God wants you to know that you are very beautiful.” I walked out of that building and my heart exploded with all sorts of joy. Beautiful! Me? Wow!

Thinking back after years of healing I wonder why I was 14 before my first memory of being told I was lovely or beautiful.

That truth about myself didn’t last very long. The greater narrative was that I was a victim of sexual abuse and a youth in painful transition with an absent father and younger siblings who were incredibly beautiful. They were called “Princesses” growing up; I was referred to as “Pumpkin”.
I don’t know the exact moment I lost a sense my identity of worth or equality, but go missing it did.

Body Shame

Ingrained in the expectation of perfection and stemming from both sides of my family, thin equals beautiful not healthy. Numbers on a scale were of the highest importance and beginning intros to most “hellos” during family time. It’s that type of narrative and mindset that leads many to eating disorders and self harm for not “measuring up”. I also grew up learning that our outward appearance if tended to well would draw in the attention of men, something to strive for: that feeling of being seen and adored.

Growing up I was always fuller figured. I hit puberty early, inheriting many noticeable family traits of my beautiful aunts on my fathers side, (aka a large chest). I quickly began feeling the unwanted attention of young and old men, immediately becoming uncomfortable with my body.

Those feelings of body shame were perpetuated deeply by own abuse, and later learning of nearly a decade of sexual abuse inflicted on my older sister by our father. There were other tales of violation: women close to me who were abused and stripped of power. Matched with the thoughtful concern of others as to my weight and opinions on what I should or should not be doing, my worthiness and feelings of shame eroded any truthfulness of my own value or beauty.

Reverse Psychology

I saw how beauty could cause both great celebration and harm so I subconsciously took an alternate route than most with those same emotions. Instead of working hard to meet the cultural and familial standard, I shut down the possibility of being harmed, or at least tried like hell to protect myself by decreasing my physical activity paying little attention to what I ate. Concurrently, I began to feel rather sickly but ignored it assuming I was being punished for my apathy. The scale rose and my self worth plummeted.

All along the way in my early 20’s, no one ever asked if something was wrong or if I was depressed or ok. I don’t blame them, we’re conditioned to think that weight is a result of apathy, or laziness instead of digging around for potential pain below the surface. In defiance to the judgement, I’d drink the coke or added extra sugar to my coffee, subconsciously furthering my deteriorating health. Every time my weight was talked about or suggestions were made to “fix the problem”, a part of me died.
In hindsight, I think it was the only thing I felt in control of. Shame has low blows, and its onslaught of internal warring was constant.

Shame says
See, you’re not beautiful enough as your are.
They don’t mean it when they tell you that you’re beautiful.
That person is only attracted to you because of your personality
No one is ever going to want you this way, but at least they can’t hurt you.
You’re not in shape enough to take that adventure, or do that hike, or keep dancing.
If they aren’t attracted to you, Suzanna, they won’t hurt you. You’ll never be what they expect, why try?

Does your heart hurt reading those lines? Mine does too. Because those lies trapped me for so very long.

To stay safe, I let myself go. I let the feeling of failure become king.

Hustling for Acceptance

But, I found that if I loved people well, poured myself out in service or kindness, smiled brightly, and applied the makeup expertly, I was accepted regardless. So, early on I took that knowledge and worked myself into an exhausted sick mess. By my mid-twenties I barely recognized myself: overweight, puffy face/eyes, fatigued, depressed and so much more. It got so bad I could barely get out of bed to drag my sick body to the doctor. When I did, I learned that for close to 5+ years I’d been struggling with Hypothyroidism and had critically low levels on all fronts combined with other intense damage.

Light Shines Through

Within a few months of steady medication – I began to come back to life. It’s been nearly three years since that diagnosis and a long road of self evaluation and healing.

I’ve lived most of my life hiding from the potential that I actually was a beautiful woman; that I could be wanted. Because the lie whispered to me early on was that if I was wanted, or desired, that opened me up to a high chance of pain and abuse.

I learned to compensate by increasing my charm or finding ways to “wear my weight well”; trying to blend in.

Too Unsafe to Succeed

Looking back, it’s really astounding in the all of years of side look stares, comments, and judgements no one ever asked why?  They assumed it was because I didn’t care or that something was wrong with me, but the truth was I cared so much that I wouldn’t fight for it. Because at the root I felt rejected and unsafe; and there was no way in hell I was going to perpetuate that. The hardest truth of it all is that I did perpetuate it, but in a quite opposite sort of way.

I can’t even tell you how many times over the years I have walked into a room and looked for the best way to make sure I appeared to “fit in”. The best angle of a chair, or path of least resistance to a crowd, not sitting in between very slim people or obsessively checking my clothes to make sure I was “put together”. When I would catch someone’s judgmental stare I’d smile sweetly back, challenging them to judge me. It wasn’t until they’d turn their head that my eyes would lower and I’d let the pain flood my heart.

The Journey Out of Lies

The past five years have been a journey of emotional and spiritual healing, and now its time to reclaim the physical part of me. To find strength and health beyond what I’ve ever experienced. I am not putting pressure on myself through this season, but challenging myself to be braver, authentic, and honest.

We all have our battles; the lies that prevent us from living in freedom. This has been mine. This road may take awhile; the important ones usually do. Yet as you find the courage to start facing the giants and slay them with the truth of who you really are, you encounter new ones, but also a strength you didn’t know was there.

Power in Numbers

I am thankful for the amazing people that surrounded me in this season. They have spoken my worth, beauty, and strength over me, lifting me with their words to greater places of wholeness more than they could ever know.

If I’ve learned anything these last years as I’ve worked through a mountain of pain and depression is that having people and God in your court are game changing. I no longer accept judgement as fair or deserved treatment, or take words, even well intended ones, as truth if they cause harm.

It looks a hell of a lot of self compassion, and hard work.

So, to any of you who have been stripped of your true identity through sexual abuse and all it’s aftermath: reach out for support, keep being true and mindful of how you feel, be gracious to yourself, work hard at your wholeness, and treat yourself as you would your best friend.  Know that you are beautiful.
——————
If you or a loved one is currently suffering from abuse of any kind, please reach out. You can do that completely confidentially here. You are not alone.

Love,

katie

xoxo

Brainspotting 101

Where we look affects how we feel

What is Brainspotting?

The world of psychology is quickly progressing in the direction of brain based science these days, which is beyond cool to me. Brainspotting (BSP) is a “brain-body based” relational therapy developed by Dr. David Grand used to heal emotional pain and blocks, and is especially effective when treating trauma. Here’s how it works:

Basically, when you hold a particular eye position while concurrently having biolateral sound in your ears, it is possible to access trauma stored way down deep in the subcortical part of the brain, a place that traditional talk therapy alone cannot touch. Because trauma is housed, or filed away in capsule like bundles in this mid part of the brain, techniques such as BSP have been proven to unlock these painful experiences, allowing for the brain to process them as past tense events instead of crippling now and future experiences.With the lightened physical and emotional load, we are no longer weighed down by trauma and associated pain trapped in the body and can function at much higher levels. Many people, including myself, experience relief in body tension and alignment, as well as a greater ability to be in the present moment, free from that constant tendency to live “out there” either in a past or future mind set.

Intrigued? There’s more…

Each and every brain is literally a genius, containing one quadrillion (1,000,000,000,000,000) neuron connections (Daniel Amen). That’s 15 zero’s people!! That being said, those connections link and associate to and around traumatic experiences and build over time, forming capsule like containers in the mid brain, which controls our bodily function, instinct, thought, creativity, and spirituality. This is why trauma often stunts functioning and points us to therapy in the first place. Perhaps the best news I’ve gathered in my personal research and training is that the brain is so powerful, so resilient, it is capable of healing itself. BSP advances this healing dramatically. I have been fascinated by the mind-body connection for some time now, and learning this new technique is only whetting my appetite for greater healing through that connection.

Who benefits from Brainspotting?

BSP is helpful and applicable for anyone facing challenges and feeling stuck. It is used often for anxiety, depression, relational problems, functioning problems, and chronic pain. Trauma victims benefit hugely as stated earlier. In thinking about trauma, keep in mind that this means anything unwanted or unnatural that we experience. There are the “Big T” traumas and “Little t” traumas. Our unique stories of personal pain and hardship are all relative; I can’t discount my trauma just because it might not look as vivid and awful as yours. Your story, your pain is what you know and that makes it enough to reach out for resources of healing and support. BSP and therapy in general must always hold our unique personal journeys very gently and without judgement.

The Creative and Brainspotting

One of my favorite things about BSP is its proven effectiveness with creatives, performers, and athletes. As mentioned earlier, trauma can severely stunt functioning. By getting into those deep, bundled associations around past trauma, we let go of them in the present moment and see them as past tense.

This enhances our creative and athletic performance and frees up space for mindfulness, expression, and mind-body connection.

Does BSP replace Talk Therapy?

Not at all. I’m a big believer in an integrated approach to therapy, tailoring treatment to fit the specific and unique needs of the client. BSP is part of this holistic approach and by no means substitutes the need for talk therapy. However, sometimes I do believe we talk around challenges and issues in therapy too much, rebranding it in our beings. If I am doing my job to the best of my ability, clients will spend less time in therapy and more time out in the world connecting to their best selves. I am beyond excited to incorporate brainspotting into my therapeutic model in order to help clients achieve greater peace and fulfillment than ever before.