How to navigate grief through the holidays

Grief can feel thick as mud for so many throughout the holidays.  The exaggerated background of “merry and bright” can push unrealistic expectations on us to be something we’re not.  But for those who have lost loved ones, experienced drastic devastation, or merely find themselves in a life they never wanted, this  pressure can feel unbearable.  

It’s also worth noting that depression runs rampant around the holidays. It tends to be a reminder of the heavy lack we carry around from day to day.  There is such a fine line between grief and depression.  So first, let’s unpack that…

We know they are look-alikes.  Both involve intense sadness and even  despair.  Grief, however, is the normal and appropriate response to a great loss, often the death of a loved one.  Whereas they share several characteristics such as heightened emotions, fatigue, appetite disturbances, loss of pleasure, and inability to enjoy things, they are not the same.  A big contrast is depression is usually marked by a tendency to isolate from  others with little or no experience of pleasure.  The grieving person usually stays connected to others through the process and hopefully experiences pockets of joy or pleasure along the way.  

Something I learned from the grief guru himself, David Kessler, is that grief must be witnessed—loved one(s) hopefully walk alongside and see this pain integrating into our lives so we can process it better.  

There are five main stages of grief:  Denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, and acceptance.  Here’s the catch though, grief is complex and not linear.  For all you type A’s out there, beware of trying to grieve neatly.  It won’t happen.  It’s messy, cyclical, and much like whac-a-mole.  

One day we can be fairly poised, the next mad as hell, and the next denying anything’s actually happening, knee deep in that hidden tin of Aunt Susan’s peppermint bark.   

As you can imagine, the real power lies in the acceptance piece.  When we are able to simply allow what’s coming up emotionally and let it move through us, we can access acceptance more quickly.  After all, the word “emotion”  is mostly comprised of the word “motion.”  That said, we must allow them to come up and move through us as they are created in our bodies.  If we don’t do this, we create bigger problems down the road.

So how do we grieve what used to be?  The lovely life you’d grown accustomed to? The lifestyle and rituals you carved out over the years?  How do you make sense of this new normal?

By assigning meaning to it.  

We must appropriate purpose to our grief.  Eventually, we must be the hero in our grief story as opposed to the victim.  This takes time. David Kessler actually built out the grief process to include meaning as the sixth stage.  How powerful is that?   

Let your grief work for you and create deeper, richer meaning in your life right now.  Your shock is appropriate, your tears are precious, your anger—valid.  We are all on this spiritual journey together as we become more real through our pain, especially during this season. 

P.S. AND…Just like Mr. Rogers’ mother told him when responding to scary news, “Look for the helpers.” If you need a safe space to process and grieve,  I’d love to support you on your journey.