In Case You’re Wondering What to do Next

When everything around me seems swirling and chaotic, I always return to the basics: what I know to be true.

I remember as a kid, when I’d get super discouraged, dramatic, or disappointed, my sweet Dad would take me on a date (which normally revolved around food, ice cream, and the like), and remind me of who I was. Not in a pep-talky kind of way—more of a recalibrating kind of way. My highly sensitive self would get lost in the clouds of great expectations and that harsh inner critic, and what I needed more than anything was to feel my feet on the ground.

My Dad knew that. Perhaps someone had done that for him somewhere along the way.

While I was clueless/terrified as to how to respond to my cancer diagnosis four years ago (this month) and the mash-up of emotions sheltering inside me as a result, I kept coming back to this: when in doubt, do the next best thing. Okay, okay, so I got a little inspiration from Anna in Frozen 2. I guess it’s proof that the kid inside you and me is, indeed, a truth-teller.

Though we may not be able to control our circumstances or the world spinning out around us, we can take responsibility for how we respond and choose to grow forward. In doing so, we directly impact our sphere of influence, big or small. By becoming better humans, we build a better world. By taking care of you, you create a greater opportunity for impact as you engage your family, friends, co-workers, and tribe.

I believe the first step to becoming better humans is to wake up to what’s happening inside. To develop greater self-awareness and self-knowledge. There’s a difference, after all! Self-awareness is being conscious of how you feel, think, and act. Self-knowledge takes it a step further and unpacks the “why” behind that awareness.

The Enneagram gives us nine (or 27, if you factor in subtypes) lanes that map out how we get lost in our ego, or false self. It carves out the self-knowledge as well, providing us with the “why” behind our often exhausting pursuits.

Painful experiences in life wake us up from life’s unconscious slumber. They invite us to quit pressing the snooze button and start living in wakeful presence. It’s an opportunity to change the world around us by doing the next best thing—whether that is reaching out to a friend in need, speaking kindly to yourself, donating to a worthy cause, responding instead of reacting out of fiery emotion, practicing self-care, or hugging your child a little longer at bedtime.

It’s about revisiting the classics we may have skimmed through in human school.

Let’s get back to the truth of what we know, my friend. By taking care of you, you’re focusing on what you can control. When we build on a firm foundation, we can create a beautiful, soulful tomorrow.

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

P.S. Need a guide and a roadmap? Join The Practice, my online Enneagram group coaching program!

I Wish I Had Known This at 25

What piece of advice would you give your 25-year-old self? Sure, she may not have listened, but like any loving parent, you do what you can to steer your children in the right direction. That headstrong seeker was only doing her best. And yet today, you have matured into the expansive space of perspective and more balance. I know you have a lot to offer your younger, stubborn self.

Me? I would have a spirited come-to-Jesus about how to relax into the unknown, one brave and wobbly step at a time. I’d tell her that having all the answers isn’t half as important as asking honest questions.

Specifically, I’d love for her to understand what it means to have a growth mindset as opposed to a fixed one—less either-or and more both-and.

As a recovering perfectionist, I’ve been all too familiar with what it means to have a fixed mindset—you know, the way of thinking that is rigid and narrow. It’s all about pass or fail, win or lose, good or bad, black and white. It’s rooted in judgment rather than curiosity. It’s refusing to take myself on a brisk 20-minute walk because I didn’t have enough time to do my hour-long high-intensity workout.

Here’s another example. You have your six-month review at work. Your boss gives you high marks in several areas but points out one specific necessary improvement in your performance on a big project. A fixed mindset self-criticizes, labeling your performance as a failure. A fixed mindset disregards the praise and zeros in on the area of improvement. A growth mindset celebrates the positive feedback and understands the value of constructive criticism for future success. A growth mindset sees life as a slew of peaks and valleys all leading to necessary learning and expansion. It looks at life as an experiment, not a performance.

A growth mindset is the petri dish that breeds resilience. A fixed approach creates inflexibility, closing us off from abundance and opportunity.

This isn’t about glossing over reality. It’s about softening your approach to the inevitable ebbs and flows of life and enjoying yourself a bit more along the way.

Spend some time this week pondering this:

What area of your life could you stand to soften into? Is it your relationship with food, your body, parenting, or work? Is it your self-care? Whatever it may be, I believe a great way to find out is to pay attention to our self-talk, that often nagging inner critic that rages on involuntarily.

Write it all down.

I love what Tara Mohr says: “Where we think we need more self-discipline, we usually need more self-love.”

What if you can't be fixed?

I had it all wrong.  

I thought if I could do self-help perfectly, I’d be well on my way to confidence and a sense of personal freedom.  If I could will myself into the knowledge and experience of self-love and acceptance, I’d have arrived.  There might even be a red carpet and some Valentino couture involved.  

After all, I used perfectionism to my advantage for years, why stop now?  Why not transfer that buttoned up effort to the pursuit of self-acceptance and love. With just enough muscle, I knew I could fix her. 

Spoiler alert:  no matter how many affirmations or bubble baths or self-help books are had, the “am I enough?” ballot’s still out.

Oh, I went gangster with it, too—you know, the “fixing homework.”

I’d recall all my limiting beliefs about myself, write them down, cross them out, and slap ruby red lipstick on them—with feeling. 

“I’m unloveable.” 

Er…I mean:

“I’m the greatest thing since (gluten-free) sliced bread and have every reason to deserve love now.”

Sounds more like an SNL sketch to me.  It also sounds reactionary and surface-level, not genuine or believable. 

Good news!  

You’re not meant to be fixed; you’re meant to be understood.

We can’t will ourselves into loving relationship with ourselves, or anyone else for that matter.  Humans aren’t math equations.  We’re messy, complex, and perfectly imperfect.  

The self-esteem quick fix is much like pumping a poor chicken chock full of toxic hormones to go further at your local Publix.  It may seem full of juicy possibility in the moment, yet it probably has long-term health concerns.

So why doesn’t self-esteem work? 

Because it’s based on the way we view ourselves to the degree with which we like ourselves.  Sounds benign, right?  Sure, until circumstances change.  What happens when we fail to get that promotion, call back, book deal—or can’t get the weight off? 

The temporary illusion of self-esteem takes a nosedive into a muddy puddle of shame.

Typically, if we depend on circumstances to prop up our self-worth, there’a hard and unexpected fall coming just around the corner.  

There’s more.  

Self-esteem can be divisive in an effort to “one-up” those around us.  Let’s revisit our earlier limiting belief turnaround. If I replace it with a pep talk that tells me “I’m the greatest thing around,” I’m puffing up my ego (which operates from a place of shame instead of belonging) and pitting myself against the world in an effort to prove myself, not lovingly be with myself.

So, what’s the solution?  If I can’t perfect self-esteem, what am I supposed to do?

Ten years ago, I picked up a book called Self-Compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself, by Kristin Neff.  It has changed the way I relate to myself and others on every level.  It’s also called me into a more caring dialog with myself as opposed to the harsh, striving one that’s been so violent and intrusive for decades.

Rules without relationship breed rebellion. 

If I’m constantly inflicting rules on myself instead of trying to relate to myself, I’m on the fast track of self-sabotage.  

• Self-compassion is relational, not circumstantial. It’s based on the awareness that the human condition is frail at best yet capable of resilience.  

• Self-compassion is cultivated like any relationship—over time.  It fills in all the holes self-esteem leaves gaping. When we fail to live up to our expectation, self-esteem prompts two extremes: negative self-talk or puffed up ego, (even…gasp…narcissism).

This is not the case with self-compassion.  It comes flooding in when our insecurities, flaws, and shortcomings stare us back in the mirror.  

• Most importantly, self-compassion binds us together in the reality of our human experience.  It doesn’t divide, puff up, or need to isolate.  We see ourselves through the lens of “imperfect—yet still enough.” 

When that brutal inner critic pipes up, self-compassion says, “Hold on. I see you. I understand your pain. And I am here with you.” 

Her voice is firm and tender.  

She doesn’t wait on the clouds to pass or the proverbial sun to shine. She speaks her truth in the broken moments. You’ve known her cadence a long, long time. Then you met fear.  It drowned out the love.

You know what?  

Your birthright is love, not fear. Just as you learned scarcity’s luring language, you can also unlearn it. Birds don’t soar because of effort or willpower.  They do so by surrender—and risk.  

It’s time to work with—not against—the choppy current of life’s wind.  

Alone?  Not in a million.  You’ve got a bold little guide waiting inside to illuminate the path.  She was born ready.

5 Ways to Up Your Wellness Game

Fall is undoubtedly my favorite season. I feel a bit like Mr. Fitzgerald in that life seems to offer a second, and equally romantic, Spring, or new beginning when early October rolls around. Yet I’m also well acquainted with the struggles and temptations that come along with the changing seasons. The days get shorter, schedules mount up, self-care tends to wane, and I often feel a dank, subtle chill of loneliness sneak in. 

Have you struggled much with seasonal depression?

I have…big time. That said, I’ve learned the hard way how vital it is to intentionally manage expectations and routines in order to stay connected to daily hope and healing. In light of this, I like to send out a Fall Edition of sorts—full of new ideas and opportunities to stay on top of our self-care game as we head into the coming months. If you follow fashion, it’s a bit like that thick, bounding, September Vogue edition boasting fall’s most delicious offerings. Pure magic. 

This year, I’m more excited than ever to explore some new opportunities to connect to yourself and your community in life-giving ways. 

All too often we’re tempted into autopilot—that sleepy trance of contained chaos—and end up just going through the motions. I don’t know about you, but I want to feel alive and awake in my experience this fall, savoring each moment like a gift—or that inaugural pumpkin spice latte. 

Here are a few ideas to support you in this pursuit. I think you’ll find something you can enjoy despite the hectic demands of the season.

1) Enneagram Mastermind:  Do you long for greater sense of community? New friendships? Do you want to better understand yourselves and your relationships? Do you want to take your enneagram understanding to the next level? Do you desire a safe place to share some of your story? Do you want to unlock personal and professional opportunities? Do you like the idea of group therapy, but over a delicious lunch?

I know, that was a LOT…however, if you said yes to any of the above, you would LOVE my new Enneagram Mastermind group that is just getting started!  It’s the perfect blend of deep connections, learning, fun, beautiful hospitality, and sharing sacred space as we move through an 8 month curriculum I’ve built specifically for this experience.  Click here to sign up!  

2) Body Work/Massage: Something I’ve become far more focused on in my practice as a therapist and my personal healing and development is the body.  Throw in a cancer diagnosis and it took things to a whole new level.  I have found such power in body work alongside psychotherapy.  Some call it massage, and that’s fine too.  However, my favorite practitioner, Anna Jenkins, of Crieve Hall Massage is truly  a healer.  After putting my body (and emotions) through so much during two years of surgeries and treatments, I’ve come back to doing regular work with Anna and it has been a game-changer.  Her intuitive and cliented-centered approach to body work is vital for ongoing processing of emotion, stress, and the tightly wound ways in which we carry ourselves in this modern world.  I can’t recommend her enough! 

3) Walking Meditations: Do you love the idea of meditating but find it hard to show up?  Maybe you’ve always thought you’re not the meditating type.  I get it.  Sitting is not my favorite, but the benefits of a mindfulness practice are undeniable.  That’s why I created walking meditations for the Practice, my Enneagram-based self-care toolkit.  They are a quick and supportive guide to literally move you through meditations if you’re on the move or love this fall weather like I do.  Check them out by signing up  today!  

4) Infrared Sauna: Need a detoxification boost? I always do!  Immunity is a whole new ball game for us as a world today! That’s why I swear by infrared saunas.  If you’re in Nashville, you must check out Pure Sweat Sauna Studio.   Pure Sweat Sauna Studio is a space for wellness, rooted in community and connection, offering state-of-the-art, full spectrum, infrared saunas. 

Acclaimed by the world’s leading health experts, elite athletes, and people just like you, Infrared Saunas deliver an abundance of clinically tested and research-based health and healing benefits, including detoxification, pain relief, weight loss, reduced inflammation and deep, mental + physical relaxation.   I always feel lighter leaving the sauna!  

5) Breathwork: Breathwork is an active meditation technique that facilitates powerful emotional+energetic release. It can change emotional default settings, lifetime patterns of depression, anxiety and addiction, connect you to your intuition, and open your heart to increased gratitude and self-love. It is an efficient and effective way to emotionally detox.  We receive 90% of our daily energy from breath alone and 70% of our bodily toxins are meant to be discharged through breath.  What are the benefits? 

• Releases tension and everyday stress that makes you feel anxious, burned out, and overwhelmed

• Creates a renewed sense of vitality

• Supports healing on all levels—physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual

• Brings balance to your life, allowing you to tap into your inner peace and joy

• As the energetic blockages are cleared, you are able to manifest what you want in your life effortlessly

• Leaves you with a deeply relaxed and calm state of being

Breathwork engages the nervous system to release tension and distress that negative thoughts and traumas cause in the body. Over time, healthier new neural pathways are developed and the nervous system is re-calibrated to bring optimal well-being.

For more info or to book a Breathwork session, contact the lovely Sarah Richey and take your wellness journey to a whole new realm. 

The Fall Reset

This week, we dive into the Fall Reset, a quarterly health reset week as part of the Practice, my Enneagram-based self-care membership program.  Let me give you some backstory.  

I’ve always considered myself healthy-ish.  My relationship with food and exercise started early.  Around 9-years-old, I began running and writing as a way to process big, unruly emotions that felt overwhelming at the time.  

Guess what? It helped. Big time. 

I’ve always considered self-care to be about doing things that promote our truest, most alive expression.  All those little things that create a life we don’t want to escape.  

It’s no accident that still, to this day, my life and work are very focused on helping others access this for themselves as a therapist, Enneagram teacher, and creator of the Practice.  I firmly believe how we treat ourselves, both physically and emotionally, has massive impacts on the whole trajectory of our lives.  

I also believe it is why I fared so well through my cancer journey.  For all intents and purposes, those two years of surgeries, chemo, doctor visits, and side effects were far more palatable than most stories of cancer survivors.  In fact, I remember at one of my follow-up oncologist appointments, I asked my doctor how many people go through what I’ve just gone through and have a similar, positive experience.  

Her response?  1% 

I was floored.

She commented that my attitude, faith, physical strength, and good health played a massive role in those odds.  

Now that I’m on the other side of the bulk of that trial, I’m more passionate than ever to really nourish and care for myself, body, mind, and spirit.  In fact, I’d love for you to continue to join me on this path.

Every season, I lead a Health Reset because just like Anne Lamott said, “sometimes we all need a little time to unplug and refresh.”

 My dearest friend, Anna Watson Carl, author of The Yellow Table Cookbook, designs an incredible, healthy, flavorful menu along with a shopping list to take out all of the guess-work.  

This is meant to be a restorative, life-giving week, not a restrictive one.  I’ll provide the guard rails, you can choose your speed.  Those guardrails will be gentle, so as to add in plenty of rest, movement, and vibrant, whole foods.  Sure, I’ll be taking out some of the fun stuff like dairy, gluten, sugar, and alcohol, but there will be plenty of delicious options to take their place.   And again, you choose your pace.  

Half-way through the week, we’ll hop on a 30-minute call and see how everyone’s doing ;) It’s so much easier to do this stuff in community, right? 

If you’re not a member of the Practice, I’d love for you to join and be a part of this exciting new offering!