The Hospitality of Emotion

I love hosting dinner parties: the planning, shopping, prepping, pairing, cooking, connecting, eating, lingering…hell, I don’t even mind the clean up so much.  I’m pretty sure my most domestic moments happen in the kitchen. (Laundry? Not my gig, much to my husband’s chagrin.)  Cooking has always been a creative outlet as well as a therapeutic one for me.  For a hot minute in my mid-twenties I toyed with the thought of culinary school yet found in my short-lived career as a sous chef that cooking on someone else’s watch for people I couldn’t actually connect with was a deal breaker; it hijacked the joy for me.

I eventually discovered two real driving passions behind my love for all things culinary: the connection that happens around it and the creativity had in the process ( oh, and there is that eating thing as well).  Hence, this favorite past time of mine—throwing dinner parties.  I get a buzz just thinking about it.  

We live in a world on crack: a world jacked up and in a constant crazed state of busy, exhausted, immediacy, devices, and traffic; all set to repeat.  Hospitality has become a lost art because it forces us to slow down and do things that can be automated and/or bypassed by hitting the nearest Chipotle or even the newest foodie hot spot on the scene.  As a result, we lose out on a beautiful process that facilitates good old fashioned real-time connection, intimacy, and laughter.

Last Fall, I hosted a cozy outdoor dinner party to itch that big ole scratch.  It was everything.  Having an outdoor, sit-down dinner party in the young days of November in Nashville is like betting your life savings at a craps table in Vegas.  It’s risky if not ludicrous. 

Much to our amazement, God flexed his creative muscles and painted the most magical fall scape one could possibly ask, or pray for.  The wind, cold, and rain came to a precise halt.  The sun-drenched rolling hills popped with a smattering of brick, gold, and orange.  The burn your-eyes-out blue sky held on patiently all the way up to sunset.  Between the outdoor heaters, cozy blankets strewn on every other chair, and the roaring conversation and laughter, we stayed warm well into the night.  It was delicious and lovely complete with clinking glasses, a stained table runner, and hours of clean up the next morning.  Perhaps my favorite part of the evening was the interesting mix of friends who came, both new and old.  Stories were shared, intimate toasts given, and wild connections were made.  It was truly a magical evening.  

As I sat back contentedly and observed conversations happening across the table, glasses being filled, fall flavors offering up their glory, something occurred to me; something big.

Why can’t we learn to practice hospitality internally, with our own full cast of different parts and emotions? What if we welcomed them openly, leaning in to the complex story they are trying to tell instead of handing them the keys to our misery?  I’ve been intrigued by this idea ever since, playing around with it in my head and heart…and I like it.

Emotions are a gift if you can believe it.  I sure didn’t for long stretches of my existence.  I always thought emotions had all the power, dictating the success of any given day from the moment my eyeballs popped open in the morning.  I used to feel totally powerless over my emotions, especially anxiety, she was a loud and clumsy beast.  What I have come to learn and embrace with open arms and a big fat sigh of relief is that my emotions are not who I am.  Enneagram four much? I am not my anxiety, sadness, hurt, depression, etc. 

They are also not against me.  Of course, there are more enjoyable ones we feel such as glad and excited; we tend to coddle them like spoiled children.  Then there are negative feeling ones such as guilt and anger we attempt to avoid like loud, messy roommates. However, the truth is they all invite us to the greater wisdom of our needs and desires.  Our emotions are a gift nudging us towards a more colorful, expansive experience.  

Just as the generous practice of hospitality beckons deeper connection and understanding of our unique perspectives and experiences across a dinner table, the inner landscape of our feelings long for a space to be heard.  How will we host these voices and facilitate a curious exchange, an open conversation?  Here are a couple of questions to ask them when they chime in, with their often abrasive tone.

• What am I feeling?  Sad, hurt, fear, anger, lonely, guilt, glad?  Naming it identifies and externalizes it.  

• Where do I feel this feeling in my body?  (Our bodies house emotions, memories, trauma, you name it! We need to wise up to this and get cozy communicating with it.)

• What is the story you are trying to tell me?  i.e “I am afraid I don’t have what it takes to succeed, I’m not enough.”  “I am guilty because I spoke harshly to my co-worker.”

• What is the need attached to the emotion? i.e. “I need some encouragement and affirmation,” or “I need to apologize for reacting at work, I was pretty fried and took it out on Sarah.”

• How will I meet that need?  i.e. Reach out to a trusted friend or have a conversation to set the record straight, etc…

Emotional hospitality removes unnecessary shame from our internal experience by letting light and air into dingy, dusty corners of our beings.  It swings wide open the door of our heart and places a fresh mix of flowers on the table, welcoming deeper connection and cohesion.  It nourishes our beings to live with presence and generosity.  When we are willing to curiously experiment with each and every emotion, engaging it like we would a stranger at a dinner party, we gain new insight and perspective.  We hear a new story.  If we listen closely enough, we may even hear our own story.  

Do you overcommit?

As an executive coach and therapist, (and work in progress), I’m constantly amazed by how hard it is for us to do what feels so simple and obvious—to practice.  It seems we are so focused on leading and managing external demands, we ignore the internal ones.  Oh, but there’s a big difference between leading your life and merely managing it. I believe we close this gap by developing self-awareness through simple practices.

Chances are, if you’re reading blogs about the Enneagram, emotional health, and self-development such as this one, or have sought therapy at some point, you’re a leader.  Why? Because you are actively participating in cultivating the hidden potential in your life.  You’re finding your edge and sharpening it.  

I like Brené Brown's definition of a leader in her book, Dare to Lead: “Anyone who takes responsibility for finding the potential in people and processes, and who has the courage to develop that potential.” 

Sounds doable, right? Within reach?  Without a doubt, I believe it absolutely is. 

Hold up though. If you and I are going to be leaders, developing and speaking into the lives of others, don’t we first need to lead our own lives fairly well? Otherwise, we prop up a flimsy facade of ego and lack the deep roots of character and credibility necessary to sustain leadership from a place of truth and integrity.  

It’s the perfect opportunity to connect to the potential bubbling up under the surface and lead from a place of intention instead of reaction. How do we do this? I’m convinced the unsexy truth is we get really good at practice.  

Practice what??

I’ve got three uber simple rituals for you to practice this week. 

1. First thought: When your eyeballs pop open first thing in the morning, guess what? A first thought also starts to percolate.  That first thought has the power to steer your day either north to abundance, or south, to scarcity.  You have creative license to craft that thought, coloring the trajectory of your day.  If that thought is, “I’m just so tired and didn’t get enough sleep.” Guess which direction your headed? Yep…going south.  You’re in the driver’s seat though, so take a minute, first thing in the morning, to carefully choose the thought that will direct your day in the right direction.  The scenery is much better on this route, I promise.

2. Gratitude: Throughout the day, take three one-minute breaks and identify at least one thing you are grateful for in the moment.  Meal times are ideal to practice this as we (hopefully) slow down and hop off the treadmill of our day.  The goal here: keep them simple (i.e. lungs that work, food to eat, a new day, a job or hobby, a dear friend.)

3. Belly-breathing: It’s fascinating to me that as a culture, we largely suck at breathing.  Our overall vitality and quality of life immediately improves when we practice deep, steady breathing.  But guess what?  We’re just. so. damn. busy.  I’m calling BS on busy.  For at least one minute each day, practice slow, belly-breathing.  Breathing into our belly, or body’s center of intelligence, brings a tangible feeling of groundedness.  Place your hand on your belly and feel it rise and fall, like a cashed-out kid at naptime.  We’re often so disconnected from our bodies, which stunts us from experiencing the fullness of each moment.  Belly-breathing is the quickest way to connect us back to presence and the intelligent knowing of our bodies.

If these seem too pedestrian—or basic, for you as you step into CEO of YOU, guess what?  Get over it.  Tough love, my friend.  The best musicians in the world got that way because they nailed the basics, and still practice them.  We’re all guilty of getting in our own way by not practicing what we preach.  My challenge to you is this: have the courage to do the small things that lead to big change.  Inspire yourself so much that others start to lean into your light and see themselves in a new, empowered way.  I’m pretty sure that’s called an icon…

How do you lead?

As an executive coach and therapist, (and work in progress), I’m constantly amazed by how hard it is for us to do what feels so simple and obvious—to practice.  It seems we are so focused on leading and managing external demands, we ignore the internal ones.  Oh, but there’s a big difference between leading your life and merely managing it. I believe we close this gap by developing self-awareness through simple practices.

Chances are, if you’re reading blogs about the Enneagram, emotional health, and self-development such as this one, or have sought therapy at some point, you’re a leader.  Why? Because you are actively participating in cultivating the hidden potential in your life.  You’re finding your edge and sharpening it.  

I like Brené Brown's definition of a leader in her book, Dare to Lead: “Anyone who takes responsibility for finding the potential in people and processes, and who has the courage to develop that potential.” 

Sounds doable, right? Within reach?  Without a doubt, I believe it absolutely is. 

Hold up though. If you and I are going to be leaders, developing and speaking into the lives of others, don’t we first need to lead our own lives fairly well? Otherwise, we prop up a flimsy facade of ego and lack the deep roots of character and credibility necessary to sustain leadership from a place of truth and integrity.  

It’s the perfect opportunity to connect to the potential bubbling up under the surface and lead from a place of intention instead of reaction. How do we do this? I’m convinced the unsexy truth is we get really good at practice.  

Practice what??

I’ve got three uber simple rituals for you to practice this week. 

1. First thought: When your eyeballs pop open first thing in the morning, guess what? A first thought also starts to percolate.  That first thought has the power to steer your day either north to abundance, or south, to scarcity.  You have creative license to craft that thought, coloring the trajectory of your day.  If that thought is, “I’m just so tired and didn’t get enough sleep.” Guess which direction your headed? Yep…going south.  You’re in the driver’s seat though, so take a minute, first thing in the morning, to carefully choose the thought that will direct your day in the right direction.  The scenery is much better on this route, I promise.

2. Gratitude: Throughout the day, take three one-minute breaks and identify at least one thing you are grateful for in the moment.  Meal times are ideal to practice this as we (hopefully) slow down and hop off the treadmill of our day.  The goal here: keep them simple (i.e. lungs that work, food to eat, a new day, a job or hobby, a dear friend.)

3. Belly-breathing: It’s fascinating to me that as a culture, we largely suck at breathing.  Our overall vitality and quality of life immediately improves when we practice deep, steady breathing.  But guess what?  We’re just. so. damn. busy.  I’m calling BS on busy.  For at least one minute each day, practice slow, belly-breathing.  Breathing into our belly, or body’s center of intelligence, brings a tangible feeling of groundedness.  Place your hand on your belly and feel it rise and fall, like a cashed-out kid at naptime.  We’re often so disconnected from our bodies, which stunts us from experiencing the fullness of each moment.  Belly-breathing is the quickest way to connect us back to presence and the intelligent knowing of our bodies.

If these seem too pedestrian—or basic, for you as you step into CEO of YOU, guess what?  Get over it.  Tough love, my friend.  The best musicians in the world got that way because they nailed the basics, and still practice them.  We’re all guilty of getting in our own way by not practicing what we preach.  My challenge to you is this: have the courage to do the small things that lead to big change.  Inspire yourself so much that others start to lean into your light and see themselves in a new, empowered way.  I’m pretty sure that’s called an icon…

Looking for community? Start here...

When was the last time you really felt seen? Heard?  When do you get to be squishy and vulnerable and feel the support of a loving, like-minded group?  Where do you feel a deep sense of belonging?

If you had a shaky response to any of the above, consider this your invitation for more.

I became a therapist because I’d been a client my whole life.  I wanted to meet people in the sacred and liminal spaces I’d been met by countless brilliant teachers (aka therapists.)  About six years ago, I decided to go beyond the one on one work and offer this healing space to a group of women who loved the Enneagram almost as much as I did :)  It’s not group therapy.  And it’s not just lunch.  It’s the Enneagram Mastermind and here’s a bit of what we explore:

• The basics of the Enneagram, a powerful personality typing system

• Your unique type and subtype

• The motivation behind how you think, feel, and act

• The story you’ve been living out of—and—is it really working?

• The beauty and safety of sharing our stories

• A deeper connection to self and others

• A lot of laughter and fun

• A delicious lunch :)

Also, you will develop some incredible, lasting friendships.  Here’s a testimonial from Courtney, one of my OG Mastermind members.

Are you ready to take your Enneagram experience to the next level?  Are you ready to feel the power of connection in community?  Okay then…here’s your personal invitation.  Join me this March 5 from 12-2pm for our kickoff in Brentwood TN.

I can’t wait to know you better real soon ;) 

A permission slip to change your mind

Do you ever get stymied into thinking it has to be a certain way?  

Pigeon-hole yourself into one rigid way or outcome?  I know I do.  It’s like we become so attached to our role—our identity, in the story we’re living, we’re held prisoner by its familiar plot line.  Interestingly, we often don’t even know we’re behind bars, just like Willie says.    

In my early 30’s, I was pivoting from a career in music to a career as a psychotherapist and coach.  The hardest part wasn’t grad school (I’d gladly be a professional student if you’ll pay ;)  It wasn’t building a private practice.  It wasn’t the actual work.  Though wobbly at first, that part came pretty naturally. I’d been in enough personal therapy to know the ropes. 

The hardest part was loosening my death grip on an identity as a singer/songwriter.  My ego was far too cozy on a stage or in a writing room.  That story had served me in many ways, but wasn’t ultimately what I felt called to do. I remember having coffee with my pal and colleague, Reb Buxton many years ago when I was terrified—deep in the pivot.  He asked me, “What if you could just let go of music?” I stared back like he had eight heads.  The Spirit was willing, but the flesh was weak.  

I recently heard someone very smart talk about discipline in a curious way.  The root word of discipline is “disciple.” I think most of us agree that discipline is a good thing, yes? But what if the thing we are governed by stops serving us?  He then posed the question, “Do you ever ask yourself what you are a disciple of?” Are we consciously choosing to follow that which serves us and is in integrity with our value system and desires?  Or are we blindly chained to an old ego story—a prison? 

Oof.  I know…a real head-scratcher. 

Mo Willems has a profound saying.  “If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, LEAVE.” 

Sometimes, it’s as if we need a permission slip to change our minds and leave an expired story.  Maybe that’s a job, a relationship, a church, a limiting belief system, a lifestyle, a hairstyle, (no really… losing all my hair during chemo was beyond freeing!)  Whatever it is for you, you have a get out of jail free card to leave.  

I suppose the real question is, “What story do you WANT to be in?”  

Join me in my Enneagram Mastermind group starting August 21st and let’s find out…