How to Live Beyond Your Type

I believe the big reason people sour so quickly from the Enneagram is that it’s so misused by the rest of us.  We become Bible-thumping zealots—throwing numbers and jargon around—insensitive to the fact that those around us are not interested or open to being objectified…and reduced.   I mean, I get it.  I was “that girl” who was an Enneagram evangelist there in the first couple of years: typing people left and right, preaching about growth and disintegration, and passing the plate of approval so everyone would “buy in.”

And I meant well—truly.  It’s been life-changing for me in my process, lending a clean lens to the distorted picture of my life I’d been living out of for so long.  Yet it took me years to metabolize the fact that lasting Enneagram transformation speaks for itself.  I didn’t have to.  The proof is, as they say, in the pudding.  

What I didn’t understand then that I do now is this: the Enneagram is not about becoming more like your type.  The Enneagram is about living beyond type and into the true you.  It’s about identifying your dominant type in order to fully understand it: strengths, weaknesses, motivations, values, and behaviors.  But it’s not some Venus fly-trap, swallowing you up, lickety split, right when you get up close.  It’s about identifying the limiting parts of your personality in order to release and re-write the parts that don’t fit any more.  

I’ll never forget my month-long Narrative Enneagram teacher training back in Menlo Park, CA.  I was expecting the room to be filled with ego and a lot of it.  Instead, I remember walking in the first day and much to my surprise, feeling pretty stumped.  I couldn’t really figure out anyone’s type (I couldn’t resist trying!).  This group had done some deep inner work, and lot’s of it.  They were living beyond their type, beyond the rough and ready edges of personality, into their authentic selves.

When we work with the Enneagram and live in that space, the edges do soften.  Relationships run smoother, life’s inevitable stressors become more manageable, and the present moment—more vibrant. 

Being reduced to a number is pretty lame.  Understanding the truth about how you operate in the world and the story you’ve been living out of is life-changing.  Why?  Because that means you get to decide if it still serves you.  If it doesn’t, guess what?  

Yep…you can change it.  

When you’re stuck in your type, you’re also stuck in the familiar past—so predictable.

You are so much more than a number, my friend.  You are the writer, creator, director, and leading lady of your story, all in one!  

The Narrative Enneagram and You

Several years ago, a friend and mentor encouraged me to do some formal Enneagram training through The Narrative Enneagram school.  I’d of course heard of the legendary Helen Palmer, co-founder and elite Enneagram teacher and author, for years.  As a well-respected Enneagram author and teacher himself, my friend had gone through some of their trainings and highly recommended the Narrative approach.  I take the advice of my mentors very seriously and came home that afternoon, checked it out online, and promptly registered for all (six) modules, back-to-back that summer in Menlo Park, CA.  

It was one of the best professional and personal decisions I have ever made.  

Here’s why.  

The Narrative tradition is built around storytelling.  After all, the Enneagram was passed down through the generations by just that: people’s stories.  One of my favorite things about therapy is championing the client as the expert–they’ve lived their story their whole life, why would I know better than they about what is true for them? The Narrative tradition bakes this approach into their teaching as well.  Long gone are the days of the Guru. 

So for the next four weeks or so, myself and about 40 other thoughtful seekers would learn the intricate interweaving of this wonderful tool through experiential teaching, panel inquiry, and group work.  It was truly transformational.  

As the Enneagram is self-verifiable, it’s important to go beyond online Enneagram tests and explore the deeper parts of ourselves in order to live into the awareness of our type.  I got to know myself in a more expansive, compassionate way throughout those integral weeks.  

Also, I really got to understand and have more compassion for my cohorts of all different types.  I saw so much of their stories show up in mine.  And this is central to the narrative teachings: understanding all nine types unlocks a more vibrant experience because it’s all about being open to receive the gifts we all bring to the table.  The Enneagram is as much a relational tool as it is a personal-development one.   

I took the sacred stories of my new friends back home with me, as did I an appreciation for others of their type.  Beautiful, life-long friendships developed as a result as we experienced the transformational power of the Enneagram together.  

No matter where you are on your Enneagram journey, the Narrative Enneagram is an incredible resource.  Whether you use their website, https://narrativeenneagram.org, as a credible learning hub or join one of their virtual or in-person workshops, your life will be enriched.  

So a couple morals of this story: find good mentors who point you toward truth and invest in your own Enneagram self-study.  Both pay off in dividends. 

3 Reasons You Need a Mindset Shift

I’m constantly amazed by just how much power we possess in our everyday lives.  Once we learn how to get out of our own way, things seem so much clearer—simpler.  And yet I hear the same old droning record play out week after week, (and often in my own experience,) “I feel stuck and don’t know how to move forward.”  

When I hear someone, or notice my own inner dialog buying into this belief, I have an idea what might be the through line: mindset.  Our limiting mindsets are based on our current beliefs about ourselves and the world around us.  A belief is simply a practiced thought supported by a felt experience.  We’ve become expert storytellers in a sense, concocting narratives over time that basically define our reality. Where do these start? In our minds.  

Here are three reasons you might need a mindset shift:

1) You haven’t been able to make the tangible changes you’d like to in your life

2) You lack vision 

3) You are stuck in toxic relationships

Interestingly enough, we find ourselves trying too hard in order to shift our circumstances or achieve a desired outcome.  So hard, in fact, that we eventually burn out, raise the white flag, and retreat to squishy old behaviors that feel familiar and easy.  

So what gives?  Well, if it all starts with our mind, I’d say that’s a fair place to pick back up.  We simply can’t live in integrity with ourselves if we’re believing one thing and acting out a different thing.  This tension creates a vicious cycle that, you guessed it, keeps us stuck.  

Let’s do it differently then.  Give those laborious behavioral changes a rest.  It’s time to build a firm foundation in our minds.  Ask yourself this: “What kind of person makes the progress I’m  trying to make?”  Write down a list of specific different characteristics.  

For example, if I’m trying to get to the gym three days a week, I might put: committed, motivated, active, confident, intentional.  

Okay great, now what?  

Now it’s time to shift your mindset to align with a committed, motivated, active, confident, and intentional person.  Even if you don’t feel these things, creating a mental space that will  cultivate them can shift everything.  “I’m learning to practice more intentionality in my workout routine.” Ease into it.  These tiny mindset changes over time yield massive changes.  

Codependent Much?

At the heart of co-dependency, or any addictive behavior, is the need to control. In fact, co-dependency and control go together like peanut butter and jelly, manis and pedis, or sunscreen and the beach.

Yet at first glance, detachment sounds negative—uncaring. After all, we talk in circles here on the blog about how vital connection and community are. Isn’t detachment a slap in the face to such wholehearted pursuits?

Well, no. Quite the contrary. Detachment is actually incredibly loving, especially if you’re a recovering co-dependent like me. I think of loving detachment in relationships as an integral way to set healthy boundaries and remain open to something greater than myself and my control. To keep things simple, I’ve got three tips for you that may help you deepen your meaningful relationships and let go of the ones that feel chaotic—toxic even.

1) Fools Rush In
We’re all guilty of making hasty decisions, especially in relationships. However, one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned as of late is to let my yes be a ‘hell yes.’ In other words, we don’t have to have an immediate answer to another’s question or need right away. Novel idea, right? Have you ever found yourself habitually agreeing to take on responsibilities for another out of the goodness of your heart, yet became resentful towards them because you actually didn’t want to do it deep down inside? Even though we want to blame them for the extra load, that’s on us!

A good reminder here: give yourself plenty of time to respond to someone’s ask. There’s no rule requiring us to respond right away. "Let me think about it," or "I’ll get back to you on that" are perfectly good options.

2) Bring me a Higher Love
I love flying, and not just because I love travel. I actually love the luxurious perspective we gain by getting 30,000 feet up. Above the traffic, speed limits, and sleepy stretches of driving, we gain generous insight only distance can lend. You know where you came from and where you’re going. There’s a skilled pilot in the cockpit doing all the heavy lifting, navigating, and planning. He’s even going to land that plane. You’re the traveller, He’s the guide.

One of the flimsy narratives we buy into when operating in co-dependent behavior in relationships is, "If I don’t intervene, or fix the situation, it will crash and burn. I might be abandoned, rejected, or both." In doing so, we play God. Detaching in love not only allows our Higher Power to be in control, it creates an opportunity for you and I to practice receptivity as opposed to manipulation. Essentially, we are only able to truly receive with open hands—not clinched fists.

3) Fix You
Compassion doesn’t mean fixing. In fact, fixing others is fear-based and ineffective. It doesn’t stick. Instead, loving detachment allows us to see the truth of the situation and live in reality knowing each of us is responsible to and for ourselves. Sure, we can ask for help with that which becomes too heavy, yet trying to fix another person or their problems is essentially taking away their opportunity for personal empowerment and growth. Some say people don’t change. I heartily disagree. I believe people do change, however, not without burning desire. If I’m trying to fix you, how does your desire ever take flight? It’s weighted down by my agenda. Detachment, letting go of the controlling death grip on others, gives our relationships a chance to bleed desire and grow in the petrie dish of honesty and reality.

What do you need in order to practice more loving detachment in relationships? Pray tell…

The Enneagram for Creatives

Here’s the deal.  You are creative.  (I saw that eye roll.) 

However, you may not be living out of that part of you today, but I can promise you, it’s there.  If you vehemently disagree, there’s a reason for that.  I feel our culture has done a poor job promoting true creativity the last several generations, siphoning just a few categories of the juice into classic, artistic silos that stunt the rest of us from approaching the daunting, idealized task.  

You know, you’re either a sculptor, a painter, a writer, a musician, a dancer, a designer, you get the point.  I believe this notion is hogwash and brings a dualistic hard line between creative/analytical, right brain/left brain, free spirit/rule follower.  

FOR SURE there are many faces of creativity.  I believe there’s nine to be exact.  But if you look back to our ancestors throughout history, you will see a curious through line.  They were earnest makers on some level. I love what Elizabeth Gilbert says about this in her must-read, Big Magic, “You and I and everyone you know are descended from tens of thousands of years of makers. Decorators, tinkerers, storytellers, dancers, explorers, fiddlers, drummers, builders, growers, problem-solvers, and embellishers—these are our common ancestors.” 

The problem remains, we live out of stunted stories that disown our creative birthright, thereby rendering us (often forever) dissociated from this vital expression of our unique brand of creativity.  After all, I believe creativity is more about innovation and problem solving than writing a novel or painting a masterpiece.   What gets in the way is the limited stories and patterns of our Enneagram type.  

Well, this matters so much to me, I’m offering a free webinar in a little under two weeks that can help you connect to your authentic creative expression.  We will unpack the truth about the creative process as well as a basic understanding of each of the nine Enneagram types.  We will also zero in on how each type gets stuck…and unstuck!  It will be an interactive time, complete with experiential exercises and sweet giveaways.  

I’d love for you to join me!  You can register here.  And don’t worry if you can’t make it!  We will have the recording available after the webinar.  I do hope to see you there and explore all the ways that you can tap into a more fulfilling, authentic experience.