Holiday Grounding 2.0: Advent of the Soul

When you get to where you’re going, where will you be?  

I ask myself this question often as I easily confuse productivity with busyness.  I imagine you fall into a similar trap as well.  Consider this, how many times a week do you ask someone how they’re doing and they respond with a slight sigh, eye roll, and an arsenal of reasons there’s just not enough time in the day.  “Life is just so busy these days!” they respond.  I’m definitely guilty of it too.  I tend to wear exhaustion proudly like a badge of honor just so you don’t have any qualms or confusion  about my level of productivity, or worth I suppose.

Stella McCartney

It’s a curious thing because I do wear that badge around like it jumped right off the Stella McCartney 2017 Spring runway, yet get so offended when someone actually notices it and asks, “Katie, you look tired, everything okay?”  The nerve!  Don’t they know I’m bulletproof? (Ha!) There are then two options at this point: I’ll either abruptly excuse myself, go slap some extra concealer under my eyes, snort some strong peppermint essential oil, and blame it on allergies. Or, the flimsy Plan B is always , “Who, me?  Are you kidding?  I feel great!” with a fake toothy grin and high pitched laugh.

Compensation

I’m pretty sure there’s shame at the root of this.  I recently read Shauna Niequist’s book, Present Over Perfect, and was rocked to the core by her level of honestly regarding her own addiction to productivity and responsibility.  She shares, “We all have these complicated tangles of belief and identity and narrative, and one of the early stories I told about myself is that my ability to get it done is what kept me around.  I wasn’t beautiful, I didn’t have a special or delicate skill.  But I could get stuff done, and it seemed to me that ability was my entrance into the rooms into which I wanted to be invited.”  In my case, I find myself hustling for acceptance by constantly going, achieving, producing.  It feels really good, until the payoff  isn’t enough anymore.

Roadmap

We all do this to some degree.  There is a lack or perceived deficiency as well as a need for acceptance, so we buy into narratives of belief about ourselves that were validated by someone important to us along the way. Eventually, these beliefs build out a blueprint of identity, a roadmap for the future.  I believe discovering and aligning with our truest self, our unique identity, is absolutely crucial in order to thrive.  It facilitates a high road forward and  thankfully, we can ditch that low one.  One of the greatest gifts of my life is to journey alongside others in support of this process.

Christmas cards

We must make time and space to ask ourselves this vital question: where am I going?  Put your narrative of holiday busyness aside and stop addressing those Christmas cards just for a moment. Consider this, if they’re getting a card, chances are they also care about your overall well-being.  Stop and give ear to the still small voice inside that longs to be heard.

Light

According to the Western liturgical church calendar, the season of Advent is upon us.  I’m not bothered by whether or not you consider yourself a religious person or a church-goer. What I am interested in is your desire to stay grounded and committed to a vision for your life that’s evolving, flourishing.  What better time to do this than smack dab in the middle of all the season’s light, celebration, and chaos!?  This begs the question: how do we maintain this inward reflection and presence and also give ourselves fully to the thrill of the season? I’ve been pondering this a lot lately.

Ritual

Advent simply means ‘coming’.  It’s an anticipatory time of preparation for hopeful things yet seen.  In church tradition, this thing is the birth of Christ, a savior.  It includes all these beautiful, sacred practices enrolling candles, wreaths, songs, smells, and colors.  I attend an Episcopal church that’s super liturgical and relic-heavy.  They do ritual really well and I absolutely love it largely because I need all the reminders I can get. Ritual creates infrastructure and order within which to practice these life-giving reminders.

Woo Woo

This is highly applicable for you and I as we have the opportunity to apply these same seasonal rituals  to the interior spaces of our lives and daily experience.  I call it an Advent of the Soul.  That’s a really woo woo way of describing our own sacred processional of time and space leading up to the birth of unique dreams and desires for the coming year.  The community we want to build, the business we want to start, the relationships we want to attract, the songs we want to write, the cities we want to explore, the joy we long to cultivate, and on and on.

Bonus

We unlock so much power as we tap into it and access its truth.  Other bonuses include: you don’t have to dress up, fight the cold of Sunday morning, or traffic for that matter, and the doors are always flung wide open, ready to welcome you in.  This advent takes place in the most exquisite cathedral of your heart, and it’s offered all day and every day wherever you are.  Disclaimer: this largely depends on our decision to stay present and awake to the moment instead of checked out in Netflix land with a vat of Chex Mix and a tumbler of Chardonnay.

3 Questions

Rituals are meant to ground us and that’s exactly what I need this time of year: a strong tethering to hope and a steady guide into truth.  This ritual of advent locks into my favorite daily practice: writing.  Don’t worry, I’m not heaving more homework on your already crazy schedules.  This will only take ten minutes, (of course more if you’ve got it!)

Answer these three questions:

1. What have you gained in 2016?  I know it’s been a rough year for many, however, find the silver lining and tease that out a bit.  Obstacles are always our best teachers.
2. What is your word?  Pick one word that is meaningful and representative of this new season and write it down.  Take a minute to unpack the story behind that word.  For example, I spoke with a man the other day who described this heaviness he’d carried the past several months due to lots of family drama.  He desperately wanted to put that unnecessary extra baggage down and decided“Levity” was his word for 2017.
3. What narrative of belief are you willing to let go of that’s holding you back?  Write that sucker down and see what comes up.  Try not to judge it, just notice what’s there.

Commit

Now commit—over and over and over again.  This is the stuff of that magical, sacred journey of rebirth; the Advent of our soul.  You will forget, stumble, and fall down into those dusty dark corners of old familiar voices time and time again.  That’s not the point.  The point is you keep daring, keep reaching, keep walking, one foot in front of the other, into what will come.  It’s a courageous path to forge and most settle for a lesser resistance.  You, my friend, are not most.

You’re also never alone on this journey… I’d love to hear your answers to these three questions this Advent season!

Love & Gratitude,

katie

Night Moves: Restoring Successful Sleep

Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two…

-Winnie the Pooh

I recently listened to a fascinating interview with Arianna Huffington.  Dan Harris hosted her on his clever and well-curated podcast 10% Happier.  Despite what you may know or perceive about Ms. Huffington, I imagine you might find great value in what she has to say in this interview.  The topic of conversation was  somewhat surprising: sleep.  Sounds riveting, right?  Well, coupled with her thick, charming Greek accent and an earthy sensuality that’s endearing as well as childlike, I ate it up.  Dan Harris is the consummate host as well providing subtle if not covert humor so as not to overshadow the guest  with needless, distracting bravado.

As I have shared openly about in a recent blog post, sleep has been illusive if not downright absent in seasons of my life.  Those seasons were drenched in a strong cocktail of depression, anxiety, lack of purpose/identity, and garnished with a twist of pure exhaustion.  I vamp on sleep a ton in sessions with clients from week to week as well; we simply cannot heal without sleep.  When someone plops down on my couch and starts describing an extremely low experience wrought with feelings of confusion, overwhelming hopelessness, and a nonexistent margin of pleasure or optimism, the first question I ask is, “how has your sleep been?”  Seven times out of ten they reply with a frustrated, “what sleep?”

SLEEP REFRAME

Ask any new mom desperately trying to adjust to two hour slices of sleep between feedings on and off throughout the night and they will tell you all about how crazy making sleep deprivation is, often a byproduct of postpartum depression.  So why do we champion the vital need for sleep in a new mother’s experience yet glamorize sleep deprivation in other areas of life, especially the workplace?  We have made “running on fumes” a misguided virtue for the sake of hyper productivity and getting ahead.  This is totally counterproductive.

Well, I value productivity just like the next gal, and in this case, the next gal is Arianna Huffington.  The fact that she just wrote a book called Sleep Revolution as a loud wake-up call (pun intended) and conversation starter to put sleep and self-care back on the throne of successful living may have just made her my new girl crush.  After all, if a woman who has led a company valued in the hundreds of millions of dollars can religiously get 8 hours of sleep and divorce herself from those ever buzzing devices every night, so can I.

CHANGE YOUR MINDSET

First, like in anything, having a mindset of abundance in relation to sleep is clutch.  One of my biggest takeaways every time I watch Olympic athletes compete, performers sing their guts out on a Grammy stage, or football teams go head to head in a championship playoff is not only the hours of practice they have put in, but the mental toughness built over time to strengthen a winning mindset.  Sure, practice makes perfect, yet without the why, or clear belief of significance behind any endeavor, performance only falls flat.

MAN AS MACHINE

Humans began associating massive amounts of our identity with productivity and efficiency around the time of the Industrial Revolution, taking cues from, well… machines.  Thomas Edison’s warped views on sleep may not have helped either, referring to it as a “heritage from our cave days”.  He only got a reported 3-4 hours a night.  If the man who gave us the light bulb didn’t need it, why should we, right?  Um…wrong.

As adults, research shows we need between 7-9 hours of sleep every night and prolonged seasons of decreased sleep result in everything from weight gain to depression to heart disease and stroke.  This idea of working 24-7 is pretty much the same as going to work all liquored up.

We must change our mindset to allow for sleep as a highly valued and necessary part of getting ahead.  Jeff Bezos, founder and CEO of amazon.com, is vocal about his 8-hours of sleep a night, claiming it is not only better for him, but also the people around him at work and in life each day.  There is no virtue or honor in exhaustion and sleep deprivation.  We must reclaim a mindset of sleep abundance, not scarcity.

CREATE A BEDTIME RITUAL

Remember that children’s book Goodnight Moon?  I think adults need that book even more than kids.  It’s a blueprint for bedtime ritual teaching us how to disconnect from the world in order to reconnect with ourselves through sleep.  I won’t harp on ritual as it is pretty self explanatory, however I will say rituals  provide sacred structure that facilitate intentionality in our lives.  I love ritual as it brings beauty and enjoyment into often rote or mundane to-do’s.  Here are a few go-to bedtime rituals to get the zzz’s flowing.  Just like Goodnight Moon, bedtime ritual creates the transition we need from our often harried days to the restful night’s sleep we need in order to recharge.  Oh, and if these seem hokey, they might just be.  But who cares, really?

• Take an epsom salt bath
• Use black out shades or a good eye mask
• Light some candles
• Read a book for enjoyment but make sure it’s a hardcopy!  No devices 
• Keep a gratitude journal and write three things you are grateful for from the day behind you.
• Diffuse sleep enhancing essential oils
• Meditate
• Shut down your devices and put them away.  That’s right, you may have to unearth the old alarm clock.

MEDITATION

What’s keeping you awake, anyway?  Chances are, your thoughts are.  Oftentimes, overactive, worrisome thoughts come out and have the dance party of the century when the lights go out.  I’ve got great news for you: If you are a nimble worrier, you might just give the Dalai Lama a run for his money in meditation.  Meditation is simply focused, positive intention.  In my experience, one of the reasons we get flustered by the fixations keeping us awake at night is we have little control over doing anything about them at 3 am.  Meditation is just another way to funnel that energy; one that serves as a conduit for sleep. There are tons of great apps and resources out there to facilitate meditation.  Headspace is one of my favorites.  However, as it relates to sleep, meditation is way more basic and you don’t need an app for that.

7-DAY CHALLENGE

Here is my challenge to you.  The next time you lie wide awake in the middle of the night tempted by the thumping dance party in your mind, try something different.  Find a short laser beam phrase of gratitude, intention , or positive belief and make it the focus of your energy and thought.  Distractions will interrupt and that’s okay.  Simply take notice and return your attention and energy back to the phrase.  Even if sleep levels remain light, energy in our bodies shift to promote different thought grooves in the brain that eventually allow our bodies to shut down.  Practice this for a week and see if you notice any changes.  I’ve been playing around with this and I notice my energy is more positive in the morning when I wake up.  I’d love to hear your experience with it as well.

EXCEPTIONS TO THE RULE

If I had read this 10 years ago, I would have thrown whatever device I was reading it from across the room in utter frustration.  If that is the way you feel, fair enough; I can relate.   I am not ignorant to the fact that sometimes we need more than a bedtime ritual and some bath salts for soaking in order to restore broken sleep patterns.  This is not an oversimplified roadmap for curing deep emotional wounds that can result in full blown insomnia and resulting hopelessness.  If you are suffering from prolonged insomnia, please reach out.

My hope in writing this is simply to raise awareness for the invaluable role sleep plays in our daily and overarching life experience.  Sleep is cool.  Toting around total exhaustion like some medal of honor is not.  I love the examples being set by game-changing organizational leaders out there who are crushing it, eight hours of sleep at a time.  There is so much life out there to be had.  Let’s get some good shut-eye so we can be fully present to experience it.

Love,

katie

xoxo

Beautiful Lies: Sexual Abuse & Body Image

The Backdrop

One of my absolute favorite things about my work is getting to witness and hold space for clients’ awe-inspiring stories. It has forever changed the way I see strangers walking down the sidewalk, buying groceries, or getting coffee in the Starbucks line. Now, I like to see those people as walking miracles carrying remarkable stories, oftentimes stories that are overlooked or brushed aside.

Today’s story is a perfect example brought to you by one of the most courageous people I have ever met, Suzanna Hendricks. Suzanna is an Event Producer who was on staff close to 3 years with non-profit organization Invisible Children. She moved to Nashville to build an event production and experience design team for the common good called KAIO. in 2014 and recently relocated to Austin, TX to join the staff of the IF:Gathering team as the Development Manager.
As you can see, Suzanna does really cool stuff to effect change in our culture. Yet her greatest weapon is an unbelievably kind and generous heart coupled with a boldness to champion justice, truth, and love in every room she enters. Yep, she’s a badass.

She graciously offered to share her story today in order to shed light and hope on the stories that you might share: stories of sexual abuse, shame, and a resulting shattered body image. Shame is loudest in isolated and dark places. Today, my prayer is that Suzanna’s vulnerability and courage will start a conversation for those of us who feel trapped, silenced, and powerless in our stories of shame.  Let’s dive in.

A Lost Identity

A piece of my identity has always been rooted in shame for as long as I can remember. As people we all struggle with aspects of our identity. Yet as women, I believe we can walk through the world with an acute different standard and deep hidden pain. I’ve learned in this past decade of life that its when we expose to the light things either caused by or perpetrated in the dark, we are set free.

The women of my family are stunningly beautiful.  Beauty that both stills and draws people to them; a kind of rare magic filled with adventure and powerful energy. But our legacy read storylines of abuse, assault, rejection, abandonment, and my greatest one, shame.

Glimpses of Truth

As beautiful as my family is and as often as I have graciously been complimented for similar beauty, the truth is I never saw myself equally lovely.
Who me?

My first memory of being told I was beautiful was at age 14. It was artist Toby Mac who kindly looked at me in a receiving line post show and said, “God wants you to know that you are very beautiful.” I walked out of that building and my heart exploded with all sorts of joy. Beautiful! Me? Wow!

Thinking back after years of healing I wonder why I was 14 before my first memory of being told I was lovely or beautiful.

That truth about myself didn’t last very long. The greater narrative was that I was a victim of sexual abuse and a youth in painful transition with an absent father and younger siblings who were incredibly beautiful. They were called “Princesses” growing up; I was referred to as “Pumpkin”.
I don’t know the exact moment I lost a sense my identity of worth or equality, but go missing it did.

Body Shame

Ingrained in the expectation of perfection and stemming from both sides of my family, thin equals beautiful not healthy. Numbers on a scale were of the highest importance and beginning intros to most “hellos” during family time. It’s that type of narrative and mindset that leads many to eating disorders and self harm for not “measuring up”. I also grew up learning that our outward appearance if tended to well would draw in the attention of men, something to strive for: that feeling of being seen and adored.

Growing up I was always fuller figured. I hit puberty early, inheriting many noticeable family traits of my beautiful aunts on my fathers side, (aka a large chest). I quickly began feeling the unwanted attention of young and old men, immediately becoming uncomfortable with my body.

Those feelings of body shame were perpetuated deeply by own abuse, and later learning of nearly a decade of sexual abuse inflicted on my older sister by our father. There were other tales of violation: women close to me who were abused and stripped of power. Matched with the thoughtful concern of others as to my weight and opinions on what I should or should not be doing, my worthiness and feelings of shame eroded any truthfulness of my own value or beauty.

Reverse Psychology

I saw how beauty could cause both great celebration and harm so I subconsciously took an alternate route than most with those same emotions. Instead of working hard to meet the cultural and familial standard, I shut down the possibility of being harmed, or at least tried like hell to protect myself by decreasing my physical activity paying little attention to what I ate. Concurrently, I began to feel rather sickly but ignored it assuming I was being punished for my apathy. The scale rose and my self worth plummeted.

All along the way in my early 20’s, no one ever asked if something was wrong or if I was depressed or ok. I don’t blame them, we’re conditioned to think that weight is a result of apathy, or laziness instead of digging around for potential pain below the surface. In defiance to the judgement, I’d drink the coke or added extra sugar to my coffee, subconsciously furthering my deteriorating health. Every time my weight was talked about or suggestions were made to “fix the problem”, a part of me died.
In hindsight, I think it was the only thing I felt in control of. Shame has low blows, and its onslaught of internal warring was constant.

Shame says
See, you’re not beautiful enough as your are.
They don’t mean it when they tell you that you’re beautiful.
That person is only attracted to you because of your personality
No one is ever going to want you this way, but at least they can’t hurt you.
You’re not in shape enough to take that adventure, or do that hike, or keep dancing.
If they aren’t attracted to you, Suzanna, they won’t hurt you. You’ll never be what they expect, why try?

Does your heart hurt reading those lines? Mine does too. Because those lies trapped me for so very long.

To stay safe, I let myself go. I let the feeling of failure become king.

Hustling for Acceptance

But, I found that if I loved people well, poured myself out in service or kindness, smiled brightly, and applied the makeup expertly, I was accepted regardless. So, early on I took that knowledge and worked myself into an exhausted sick mess. By my mid-twenties I barely recognized myself: overweight, puffy face/eyes, fatigued, depressed and so much more. It got so bad I could barely get out of bed to drag my sick body to the doctor. When I did, I learned that for close to 5+ years I’d been struggling with Hypothyroidism and had critically low levels on all fronts combined with other intense damage.

Light Shines Through

Within a few months of steady medication – I began to come back to life. It’s been nearly three years since that diagnosis and a long road of self evaluation and healing.

I’ve lived most of my life hiding from the potential that I actually was a beautiful woman; that I could be wanted. Because the lie whispered to me early on was that if I was wanted, or desired, that opened me up to a high chance of pain and abuse.

I learned to compensate by increasing my charm or finding ways to “wear my weight well”; trying to blend in.

Too Unsafe to Succeed

Looking back, it’s really astounding in the all of years of side look stares, comments, and judgements no one ever asked why?  They assumed it was because I didn’t care or that something was wrong with me, but the truth was I cared so much that I wouldn’t fight for it. Because at the root I felt rejected and unsafe; and there was no way in hell I was going to perpetuate that. The hardest truth of it all is that I did perpetuate it, but in a quite opposite sort of way.

I can’t even tell you how many times over the years I have walked into a room and looked for the best way to make sure I appeared to “fit in”. The best angle of a chair, or path of least resistance to a crowd, not sitting in between very slim people or obsessively checking my clothes to make sure I was “put together”. When I would catch someone’s judgmental stare I’d smile sweetly back, challenging them to judge me. It wasn’t until they’d turn their head that my eyes would lower and I’d let the pain flood my heart.

The Journey Out of Lies

The past five years have been a journey of emotional and spiritual healing, and now its time to reclaim the physical part of me. To find strength and health beyond what I’ve ever experienced. I am not putting pressure on myself through this season, but challenging myself to be braver, authentic, and honest.

We all have our battles; the lies that prevent us from living in freedom. This has been mine. This road may take awhile; the important ones usually do. Yet as you find the courage to start facing the giants and slay them with the truth of who you really are, you encounter new ones, but also a strength you didn’t know was there.

Power in Numbers

I am thankful for the amazing people that surrounded me in this season. They have spoken my worth, beauty, and strength over me, lifting me with their words to greater places of wholeness more than they could ever know.

If I’ve learned anything these last years as I’ve worked through a mountain of pain and depression is that having people and God in your court are game changing. I no longer accept judgement as fair or deserved treatment, or take words, even well intended ones, as truth if they cause harm.

It looks a hell of a lot of self compassion, and hard work.

So, to any of you who have been stripped of your true identity through sexual abuse and all it’s aftermath: reach out for support, keep being true and mindful of how you feel, be gracious to yourself, work hard at your wholeness, and treat yourself as you would your best friend.  Know that you are beautiful.
——————
If you or a loved one is currently suffering from abuse of any kind, please reach out. You can do that completely confidentially here. You are not alone.

Love,

katie

xoxo

Unlocking the Power of Intuition

Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.
They somehow know what you truly want to become. -Steve Jobs

As a thirty-seven year-old slightly stubborn woman with a big appetite for new experiences and opportunity, I have often found myself in some pretty hilarious situations on the journey of both self and vocational discovery. Throughout my adult life I’ve worked in many industries: sales, fashion, education, design, culinary, and thankfully I eventually honed in on music, writing, and counseling. Some may call this confused; I call it well-rounded. 

During the last several years of working in private practice and building a community I am passionately committed to, I have noticed something big, something with staying power. It’s frustrating as hell and incredibly helpful all at once. It’s the thing that absolutely individuates us from each other, yet also brings us together through honest communication and connection. It invites us out of our niceness and into our truth. It is perhaps the most valuable asset to nurture and protect as human beings.

Drum roll please…this thing is, Intuition.

When I was in graduate school, one of my several (but most favorite) jobs was working at a fabulous little boutique called Moda in the very hot and happening 12th South neighborhood of Nashville. With a serious obsession for pretty clothes and a fascination for meeting new, fun people, it was a slice of heaven and a welcomed break from the demands of school.

One Tuesday morning I was at the shop alone and still a little fuzzy on how to confidently work the check out situation (I think it’s called a POS). Out of nowhere, a little burst of business happened right around lunchtime. I noticed one suspect lady quietly mulling around the back room near the sale rack. Something was off; I could tell by her odd behavior. Yet I was still a newbie and didn’t want to get all weird and overconfident.

I smiled a fake smile and stayed in my nice lane. When the hustle and bustle died down and I had a few minutes to straighten up the store, I noticed a few pieces were missing. I was horrified— and super miffed at myself and that sneaky lady! The NERVE! Most of all, I hated to disappoint Meredith, the owner, who entrusted me to man the shop that morning. Thankfully I learned this stuff happens in retail all the time and no lasting harm was done. Phew—irresponsibility shame averted.

What did crystallize in my memory that day was Meredith, my now close friend, saying to me upon her return, “Katie, you have excellent intuition. Never be afraid to use it.” This powerful affirmation landed on me like a ton of gold bricks and unlocked a journey of exploration I still find myself on. I thought to myself, Really? That sounds so powerful! Her affirmation was a lynchpin shift in my psyche, inviting me to pay way more respect to this still, small, or apparently big, voice.

Intuition is extremely powerful, and I believe we all have it. However, we must choose to honor it.

Unfortunately, and as was my case for years, we can be completely disconnected from the voice of intuition and miss it altogether. We miss it when we are spread too thin and living in survival mode. We miss it when we coast on autopilot due to a numbing addiction, apathy, or both. We also miss it due to honest un-awareness. After all, Intuition 101 isn’t offered in traditional schools I know of anywhere.

Last week, Mary Crimmins shared about the invaluable role intuition plays in our relationship with food, allowing us to dial into optimal individual health and vitality. That is certainly a ripe place to practice listening. In therapy, this is one of my favorite often-uncharted territories to explore with clients: learning to be led by that powerful voice. Here are a couple of helpful tools I have gathered in this practice of intuition.

Slow down.

Some of the most successful and inspiring people I know or have observed possess something in common: intention. Living out of intention is like having as a constant permission slip in your back pocket to take the next sure-footed step. Despite a booked up calendar week after week, intention allows for a clear vision of where we are and where we are going, while editing our lives to align with that vision along the way.

In order to edit, one must slow down and look closely. I’m guilty of running—and I don’t mean for exercise. Mine is more of a constant state of moving because it feels productive, yet lacks clear or purposeful destination. Slowing down for me looks like connecting with myself, hopefully each morning, in order to check in with where I am, where I am going, and what I need from day-to-day physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. It doesn’t have to look a certain way, yet personal check-ins create a safe space to practice listening to our intuition, our internal compass.

No is a complete sentence.

This is for all you people-pleasers out there (you are not alone). No is a complete sentence and a very necessary option if we want to honor intuition. Unlike personality or ego, intuition is NOT a people pleaser and has no concept of co-dependency. Our personality, or the way in which we present to the world, learned early on that people pleasing is valuable when this behavior was somehow rewarded. Unfortunately, the wisdom of our intuition is often overshadowed by the alluring silhouette of people pleasing and makes the word “no” a bland if not scary choice. A wise friend gave me brilliant words of wisdom once while grappling with a weighty decision. “There are two answers: yes and no. Pick one.” Easy, right?

As “no” becomes common currency in our daily exchange, our “yes” becomes more valuable, subsequently attracting a rich reality of confidence, desire, and opportunity.

Detours.

We all get off course. We are human. But, as Queen Oprah—I like to call her—insists in a must see video I came across recently, “There are no mistakes because you have a Supreme Destiny.” We are all on a path of destiny— calling. And, we will all encounter detours. However, our detours do not equal failure. Detours nudge our truth to speak up and self-correct, pointing us to the next best decision, and from there the next, and on and on.

So, as my lovely friend and former boss, Meredith, spoke into my life years ago, prompting great empowerment and curiosity, I humbly do the same for you, reminding you of this:

You have a beautiful and powerful gift called intuition. Never be afraid to use it. In fact, access it often. Explore it. Play with it. Celebrate it. It will lead you into wisdom and away from sticky detours. Even when you don’t fully understand or embrace its message, slow down enough to honor it— and just listen. There is hope and safety in the next best decision.

Finding Peace with Food

Learning to partner with your body

with Mary Crimmins

I am beyond excited about today’s topic of conversation. Here’s some back story. Several weeks ago, I sat down with my friend and fellow wellness enthusiast, Mary Crimmins. Mary is one inspiring lady who wears all kinds of hats like holistic lifestyle advocate, wellness advocate, yogi, mentor, personal life and business coach, and speaker among other things. Needless to say, she stays pretty busy! We stumbled upon the topic of relationship with self/food as much of our work in coaching and therapy overlaps there. Her personal journey and passionate insight pretty much blew me away so I asked her to share with us today. She graciously accepted and sat down to answer a few questions I think you will find, well, life changing. I do hope you enjoy!

**Also, be sure and stay tuned for a much-anticipated one-day workshop on Mind-Body Connection coming up in the fall! Okay, let’s hear from Mary…

(KG): You are involved in so many cool, inspiring things! How did your journey evolve professionally/personally and attract all of these opportunities, especially with regards to mentoring?

(MC): Thanks Katie. I absolutely love what I do! I basically put myself through “self-discovery school” a couple of years ago. I was so unhappy with where I was. Flat out miserable in fact. I finally arrived at the place where I had enough and wasn’t willing to live another year in physical and emotional misery. I was 70 lbs. heavier than I am now, suffered from massive emotional imbalance and lots of hormonal imbalance. As I began reading everything that I could get my hands on about how to create a life that you love, I realized that it all came back to thoughts.

I suddenly was able to take full responsibility that I got myself where I was because of my thoughts.

I had several limiting beliefs that kept me stuck, a strong victim mentality that made all kinds of excuses, and years of being completely numb. It was then that I started to investigate my thought patterns and realize I could change them to get different results. What if I believed that I was loveable? What if I believed that I deserved to be fully alive? What if I believed that I had everything I needed to live a life that I loved? I began re-wiring my brain and working with new belief patterns and affirmations.

Slowly but surely, I began to see my life change. I became a magnet for change and transformation. And I started attracting some amazing people as well. I hired a fabulous coach and several months later, I enrolled my first coaching client myself. I embarked on a journey of being a life coach and wellness advocate and now empower people to love themselves and be fully alive and engaged with life.

(KG): A big population I work with in therapy struggle a good bit with body image and relationship with food. You have tons of insight in this department. Tell us what sparked your interest in this and what some of the biggest “aha moments” have been along the way.

(MC): It was absolutely my personal journey. Being 240 lbs. was a space that I found myself in at the age of 26. Everything hurt, and I was sick of trying diet after diet that always failed. I felt

like a failure. I thought something was wrong with me until I learned about Intuitive Eating. That concept set me free.

Instead of hating my body and seeing it as the enemy, I began to partner with my body.

I began to see it as if it were on the same team as me, and not something that was trying to destroy me. I met my body with new compassion and understanding. It was talking to me. My body was always there for me, protecting me. This completely shifted my relationship with food. No more diets.

In fact, I learned how to reject the whole diet mentality and instead come to a place of trusting my intuition and my body let me know what I needed to eat that would bring me back to balance and vitality.

Somedays it’s a kale salad. Somedays it’s a plate of nachos. I learned how to make peace with food and honor my hunger from a place of total non-judgement. Food wasn’t the enemy; my body wasn’t the enemy. I learned how to be satisfied with food and I stopped binging. Partnering with yourself and loving yourself enough to listen to your intuition is a game changer. It took time for me, but now I don’t have any “good” or “bad” foods or “shoulds” or “shouldn’ts” in relationship to food and exercise. I just listen and honor the answer.

(KG): It is glaringly true just how much of a connection our emotions and eating habits have. Can you speak directly to that connection?

(MC): Absolutely. Eating has shifted from something of pleasure, nourishment and survival to a way of coping. We literally “stuff” our feelings. We numb. It is a very effective way to process our beliefs, fears, and emotions. Whether we overeat or starve ourselves, we feel like we have a little bit of control over our life. When we feel anxiety, we eat a cupcake and instantly that anxiety goes away.

We feel shame and guilt about overindulging so then we purge. Some people drink, some overwork, some shop, and some of us eat or don’t eat. We experience both punishment and pleasure from food. Food is a tool that many of us use to work out our emotions. If we feel too tired, too lonely, too angry, or aren’t practicing enough self care, we eat. It numbs us out. It stops the pain for a brief moment. We do it because it works. Except it’s not a long-term solution and we wake up and think “This is not me, how did I get there?”. Then overwhelming shame kicks in and we eat again to numb out, starting the whole cycle over again.

(KG): In my personal experience and with that of several clients, balance is far more difficult to achieve than extremes. How would you encourage someone who struggles with balance in relationship with food?

(MC): It honestly starts with releasing the shame. Balance comes from trusting yourself. Most people don’t trust themselves. They think if they take all the rules off, they will just go crazy and they won’t stop. They will eat everything in sight. This comes from a deep-seated misbelief that our will and bodies are disconnected from ourselves and will hijack us and take over. This is a lie. Our bodies always want what is best. It’s always trying to help. It’s learning how to make peace with food and give up all the rules— and TRUST.

You can begin to ask yourself on this journey, “If I did trust my body, what would it be telling me right now?” “If I did trust my intuition, what do I want to eat right now?” “If I did trust my body,

how would it ask to be moved today?” As you begin to partner with your body and your intuition you realize it doesn’t operate in extremes. It is always seeking balance. It will find its equilibrium. And of course, read Intuitive Eating, by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch!!!

(KG): You always look and seem so energetic and present! How do you maintain self-care despite such a busy schedule?

(MC): I absolutely have non-negotiables. I trust my body when it says it needs a nap and I honor that request. I trust my body, when it says it needs some extra green juice. I trust my body when it asks for a slow walk instead of an intense workout. I listen. I honor it. Self care isn’t a luxury in my book. It’s a non-negotiable. It is what allows me to do everything in my life. It gives me energy. It replenishes me. It sets me up for success. I realized a long time ago that self care is the key to balance. When I slow down to love myself and my body I don’t have to overeat or numb. I address what I really need and take care of myself in a deep and powerful way.

(KG): Lastly, if you could give us one hopeful nugget or take away regarding relationship with food and emotions, what would it be?

(MC): You can come back into balance. Your body knows. Your heart knows. Our bodies speak to us all the time. Trust your body. Listen deeply. Your intuition is your strongest asset. It is the voice that is above all the lies. It is the voice above all the fads. It is the voice that will always lead you to your best, healthiest, and most vibrant self. Learn to trust that and to cultivate a relationship with your intuition.

Ask yourself this, “What am I really hungry for?” emotionally speaking of course, and bravely listen and then honor the answer.