Night Moves: Restoring Successful Sleep

Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two…

-Winnie the Pooh

I recently listened to a fascinating interview with Arianna Huffington.  Dan Harris hosted her on his clever and well-curated podcast 10% Happier.  Despite what you may know or perceive about Ms. Huffington, I imagine you might find great value in what she has to say in this interview.  The topic of conversation was  somewhat surprising: sleep.  Sounds riveting, right?  Well, coupled with her thick, charming Greek accent and an earthy sensuality that’s endearing as well as childlike, I ate it up.  Dan Harris is the consummate host as well providing subtle if not covert humor so as not to overshadow the guest  with needless, distracting bravado.

As I have shared openly about in a recent blog post, sleep has been illusive if not downright absent in seasons of my life.  Those seasons were drenched in a strong cocktail of depression, anxiety, lack of purpose/identity, and garnished with a twist of pure exhaustion.  I vamp on sleep a ton in sessions with clients from week to week as well; we simply cannot heal without sleep.  When someone plops down on my couch and starts describing an extremely low experience wrought with feelings of confusion, overwhelming hopelessness, and a nonexistent margin of pleasure or optimism, the first question I ask is, “how has your sleep been?”  Seven times out of ten they reply with a frustrated, “what sleep?”

SLEEP REFRAME

Ask any new mom desperately trying to adjust to two hour slices of sleep between feedings on and off throughout the night and they will tell you all about how crazy making sleep deprivation is, often a byproduct of postpartum depression.  So why do we champion the vital need for sleep in a new mother’s experience yet glamorize sleep deprivation in other areas of life, especially the workplace?  We have made “running on fumes” a misguided virtue for the sake of hyper productivity and getting ahead.  This is totally counterproductive.

Well, I value productivity just like the next gal, and in this case, the next gal is Arianna Huffington.  The fact that she just wrote a book called Sleep Revolution as a loud wake-up call (pun intended) and conversation starter to put sleep and self-care back on the throne of successful living may have just made her my new girl crush.  After all, if a woman who has led a company valued in the hundreds of millions of dollars can religiously get 8 hours of sleep and divorce herself from those ever buzzing devices every night, so can I.

CHANGE YOUR MINDSET

First, like in anything, having a mindset of abundance in relation to sleep is clutch.  One of my biggest takeaways every time I watch Olympic athletes compete, performers sing their guts out on a Grammy stage, or football teams go head to head in a championship playoff is not only the hours of practice they have put in, but the mental toughness built over time to strengthen a winning mindset.  Sure, practice makes perfect, yet without the why, or clear belief of significance behind any endeavor, performance only falls flat.

MAN AS MACHINE

Humans began associating massive amounts of our identity with productivity and efficiency around the time of the Industrial Revolution, taking cues from, well… machines.  Thomas Edison’s warped views on sleep may not have helped either, referring to it as a “heritage from our cave days”.  He only got a reported 3-4 hours a night.  If the man who gave us the light bulb didn’t need it, why should we, right?  Um…wrong.

As adults, research shows we need between 7-9 hours of sleep every night and prolonged seasons of decreased sleep result in everything from weight gain to depression to heart disease and stroke.  This idea of working 24-7 is pretty much the same as going to work all liquored up.

We must change our mindset to allow for sleep as a highly valued and necessary part of getting ahead.  Jeff Bezos, founder and CEO of amazon.com, is vocal about his 8-hours of sleep a night, claiming it is not only better for him, but also the people around him at work and in life each day.  There is no virtue or honor in exhaustion and sleep deprivation.  We must reclaim a mindset of sleep abundance, not scarcity.

CREATE A BEDTIME RITUAL

Remember that children’s book Goodnight Moon?  I think adults need that book even more than kids.  It’s a blueprint for bedtime ritual teaching us how to disconnect from the world in order to reconnect with ourselves through sleep.  I won’t harp on ritual as it is pretty self explanatory, however I will say rituals  provide sacred structure that facilitate intentionality in our lives.  I love ritual as it brings beauty and enjoyment into often rote or mundane to-do’s.  Here are a few go-to bedtime rituals to get the zzz’s flowing.  Just like Goodnight Moon, bedtime ritual creates the transition we need from our often harried days to the restful night’s sleep we need in order to recharge.  Oh, and if these seem hokey, they might just be.  But who cares, really?

• Take an epsom salt bath
• Use black out shades or a good eye mask
• Light some candles
• Read a book for enjoyment but make sure it’s a hardcopy!  No devices 
• Keep a gratitude journal and write three things you are grateful for from the day behind you.
• Diffuse sleep enhancing essential oils
• Meditate
• Shut down your devices and put them away.  That’s right, you may have to unearth the old alarm clock.

MEDITATION

What’s keeping you awake, anyway?  Chances are, your thoughts are.  Oftentimes, overactive, worrisome thoughts come out and have the dance party of the century when the lights go out.  I’ve got great news for you: If you are a nimble worrier, you might just give the Dalai Lama a run for his money in meditation.  Meditation is simply focused, positive intention.  In my experience, one of the reasons we get flustered by the fixations keeping us awake at night is we have little control over doing anything about them at 3 am.  Meditation is just another way to funnel that energy; one that serves as a conduit for sleep. There are tons of great apps and resources out there to facilitate meditation.  Headspace is one of my favorites.  However, as it relates to sleep, meditation is way more basic and you don’t need an app for that.

7-DAY CHALLENGE

Here is my challenge to you.  The next time you lie wide awake in the middle of the night tempted by the thumping dance party in your mind, try something different.  Find a short laser beam phrase of gratitude, intention , or positive belief and make it the focus of your energy and thought.  Distractions will interrupt and that’s okay.  Simply take notice and return your attention and energy back to the phrase.  Even if sleep levels remain light, energy in our bodies shift to promote different thought grooves in the brain that eventually allow our bodies to shut down.  Practice this for a week and see if you notice any changes.  I’ve been playing around with this and I notice my energy is more positive in the morning when I wake up.  I’d love to hear your experience with it as well.

EXCEPTIONS TO THE RULE

If I had read this 10 years ago, I would have thrown whatever device I was reading it from across the room in utter frustration.  If that is the way you feel, fair enough; I can relate.   I am not ignorant to the fact that sometimes we need more than a bedtime ritual and some bath salts for soaking in order to restore broken sleep patterns.  This is not an oversimplified roadmap for curing deep emotional wounds that can result in full blown insomnia and resulting hopelessness.  If you are suffering from prolonged insomnia, please reach out.

My hope in writing this is simply to raise awareness for the invaluable role sleep plays in our daily and overarching life experience.  Sleep is cool.  Toting around total exhaustion like some medal of honor is not.  I love the examples being set by game-changing organizational leaders out there who are crushing it, eight hours of sleep at a time.  There is so much life out there to be had.  Let’s get some good shut-eye so we can be fully present to experience it.

Love,

katie

xoxo

Beautiful Lies: Sexual Abuse & Body Image

The Backdrop

One of my absolute favorite things about my work is getting to witness and hold space for clients’ awe-inspiring stories. It has forever changed the way I see strangers walking down the sidewalk, buying groceries, or getting coffee in the Starbucks line. Now, I like to see those people as walking miracles carrying remarkable stories, oftentimes stories that are overlooked or brushed aside.

Today’s story is a perfect example brought to you by one of the most courageous people I have ever met, Suzanna Hendricks. Suzanna is an Event Producer who was on staff close to 3 years with non-profit organization Invisible Children. She moved to Nashville to build an event production and experience design team for the common good called KAIO. in 2014 and recently relocated to Austin, TX to join the staff of the IF:Gathering team as the Development Manager.
As you can see, Suzanna does really cool stuff to effect change in our culture. Yet her greatest weapon is an unbelievably kind and generous heart coupled with a boldness to champion justice, truth, and love in every room she enters. Yep, she’s a badass.

She graciously offered to share her story today in order to shed light and hope on the stories that you might share: stories of sexual abuse, shame, and a resulting shattered body image. Shame is loudest in isolated and dark places. Today, my prayer is that Suzanna’s vulnerability and courage will start a conversation for those of us who feel trapped, silenced, and powerless in our stories of shame.  Let’s dive in.

A Lost Identity

A piece of my identity has always been rooted in shame for as long as I can remember. As people we all struggle with aspects of our identity. Yet as women, I believe we can walk through the world with an acute different standard and deep hidden pain. I’ve learned in this past decade of life that its when we expose to the light things either caused by or perpetrated in the dark, we are set free.

The women of my family are stunningly beautiful.  Beauty that both stills and draws people to them; a kind of rare magic filled with adventure and powerful energy. But our legacy read storylines of abuse, assault, rejection, abandonment, and my greatest one, shame.

Glimpses of Truth

As beautiful as my family is and as often as I have graciously been complimented for similar beauty, the truth is I never saw myself equally lovely.
Who me?

My first memory of being told I was beautiful was at age 14. It was artist Toby Mac who kindly looked at me in a receiving line post show and said, “God wants you to know that you are very beautiful.” I walked out of that building and my heart exploded with all sorts of joy. Beautiful! Me? Wow!

Thinking back after years of healing I wonder why I was 14 before my first memory of being told I was lovely or beautiful.

That truth about myself didn’t last very long. The greater narrative was that I was a victim of sexual abuse and a youth in painful transition with an absent father and younger siblings who were incredibly beautiful. They were called “Princesses” growing up; I was referred to as “Pumpkin”.
I don’t know the exact moment I lost a sense my identity of worth or equality, but go missing it did.

Body Shame

Ingrained in the expectation of perfection and stemming from both sides of my family, thin equals beautiful not healthy. Numbers on a scale were of the highest importance and beginning intros to most “hellos” during family time. It’s that type of narrative and mindset that leads many to eating disorders and self harm for not “measuring up”. I also grew up learning that our outward appearance if tended to well would draw in the attention of men, something to strive for: that feeling of being seen and adored.

Growing up I was always fuller figured. I hit puberty early, inheriting many noticeable family traits of my beautiful aunts on my fathers side, (aka a large chest). I quickly began feeling the unwanted attention of young and old men, immediately becoming uncomfortable with my body.

Those feelings of body shame were perpetuated deeply by own abuse, and later learning of nearly a decade of sexual abuse inflicted on my older sister by our father. There were other tales of violation: women close to me who were abused and stripped of power. Matched with the thoughtful concern of others as to my weight and opinions on what I should or should not be doing, my worthiness and feelings of shame eroded any truthfulness of my own value or beauty.

Reverse Psychology

I saw how beauty could cause both great celebration and harm so I subconsciously took an alternate route than most with those same emotions. Instead of working hard to meet the cultural and familial standard, I shut down the possibility of being harmed, or at least tried like hell to protect myself by decreasing my physical activity paying little attention to what I ate. Concurrently, I began to feel rather sickly but ignored it assuming I was being punished for my apathy. The scale rose and my self worth plummeted.

All along the way in my early 20’s, no one ever asked if something was wrong or if I was depressed or ok. I don’t blame them, we’re conditioned to think that weight is a result of apathy, or laziness instead of digging around for potential pain below the surface. In defiance to the judgement, I’d drink the coke or added extra sugar to my coffee, subconsciously furthering my deteriorating health. Every time my weight was talked about or suggestions were made to “fix the problem”, a part of me died.
In hindsight, I think it was the only thing I felt in control of. Shame has low blows, and its onslaught of internal warring was constant.

Shame says
See, you’re not beautiful enough as your are.
They don’t mean it when they tell you that you’re beautiful.
That person is only attracted to you because of your personality
No one is ever going to want you this way, but at least they can’t hurt you.
You’re not in shape enough to take that adventure, or do that hike, or keep dancing.
If they aren’t attracted to you, Suzanna, they won’t hurt you. You’ll never be what they expect, why try?

Does your heart hurt reading those lines? Mine does too. Because those lies trapped me for so very long.

To stay safe, I let myself go. I let the feeling of failure become king.

Hustling for Acceptance

But, I found that if I loved people well, poured myself out in service or kindness, smiled brightly, and applied the makeup expertly, I was accepted regardless. So, early on I took that knowledge and worked myself into an exhausted sick mess. By my mid-twenties I barely recognized myself: overweight, puffy face/eyes, fatigued, depressed and so much more. It got so bad I could barely get out of bed to drag my sick body to the doctor. When I did, I learned that for close to 5+ years I’d been struggling with Hypothyroidism and had critically low levels on all fronts combined with other intense damage.

Light Shines Through

Within a few months of steady medication – I began to come back to life. It’s been nearly three years since that diagnosis and a long road of self evaluation and healing.

I’ve lived most of my life hiding from the potential that I actually was a beautiful woman; that I could be wanted. Because the lie whispered to me early on was that if I was wanted, or desired, that opened me up to a high chance of pain and abuse.

I learned to compensate by increasing my charm or finding ways to “wear my weight well”; trying to blend in.

Too Unsafe to Succeed

Looking back, it’s really astounding in the all of years of side look stares, comments, and judgements no one ever asked why?  They assumed it was because I didn’t care or that something was wrong with me, but the truth was I cared so much that I wouldn’t fight for it. Because at the root I felt rejected and unsafe; and there was no way in hell I was going to perpetuate that. The hardest truth of it all is that I did perpetuate it, but in a quite opposite sort of way.

I can’t even tell you how many times over the years I have walked into a room and looked for the best way to make sure I appeared to “fit in”. The best angle of a chair, or path of least resistance to a crowd, not sitting in between very slim people or obsessively checking my clothes to make sure I was “put together”. When I would catch someone’s judgmental stare I’d smile sweetly back, challenging them to judge me. It wasn’t until they’d turn their head that my eyes would lower and I’d let the pain flood my heart.

The Journey Out of Lies

The past five years have been a journey of emotional and spiritual healing, and now its time to reclaim the physical part of me. To find strength and health beyond what I’ve ever experienced. I am not putting pressure on myself through this season, but challenging myself to be braver, authentic, and honest.

We all have our battles; the lies that prevent us from living in freedom. This has been mine. This road may take awhile; the important ones usually do. Yet as you find the courage to start facing the giants and slay them with the truth of who you really are, you encounter new ones, but also a strength you didn’t know was there.

Power in Numbers

I am thankful for the amazing people that surrounded me in this season. They have spoken my worth, beauty, and strength over me, lifting me with their words to greater places of wholeness more than they could ever know.

If I’ve learned anything these last years as I’ve worked through a mountain of pain and depression is that having people and God in your court are game changing. I no longer accept judgement as fair or deserved treatment, or take words, even well intended ones, as truth if they cause harm.

It looks a hell of a lot of self compassion, and hard work.

So, to any of you who have been stripped of your true identity through sexual abuse and all it’s aftermath: reach out for support, keep being true and mindful of how you feel, be gracious to yourself, work hard at your wholeness, and treat yourself as you would your best friend.  Know that you are beautiful.
——————
If you or a loved one is currently suffering from abuse of any kind, please reach out. You can do that completely confidentially here. You are not alone.

Love,

katie

xoxo

Rio Gold: Words on Winning

Winning is showing up, staying present in our truth, and leaning into love every step of the way.

Did anyone besides me watch the Olympic Opening Ceremony last Friday night? Well, despite apparent low network ratings (38% down from 2012’s London Ceremony), and a self-proclaimed nervy and “slow” catwalk strut delivered by the ever leggy and lovely Brazilian bombshell, Gisele Bündchen, I was totally mesmerized.  The grand parade of nations proudly flying their flags, donning those thoughtfully designed and crafted costumes, one after another, oozed a colorful and unmasked joy that was completely contagious; that buzzy energy, palpable.

I think I even caught North Korea crack a smile or two!  After hours of sitting on the couch glued to NBC, I breathed a deep and victorious breath, finished my second dinner of popcorn and dark chocolate, and wiped off the mascara stained tears tattooed on my cheeks, calling it a day.  You would have thought I had just beat out Katie Ledecky in the 400 meter freestyle. Nope, swimming was never my thing… couldn’t get the breathing down.

WHAT’S THE DEAL?

I digress.  Suffice it to say, the Olympic games have been something of a teacher for me this past week.  Though I have not gotten to watch much of the actual games, I have been fascinated to hear about and read the highlights, perhaps even grabbing online recaps during breaks throughout the day.  Why on earth am I so obsessed?  I mean, I’ve been watching the Olympics since I was a kid!?  What makes this go-round so special?  What is it about a bunch of diverse people getting together to play sports that has our modern world in a state of, well, grace?

I am a total sucker for story and a big believer in the human spirit, against all odds.  Not only that, I was simply overwhelmed and moved to tears hearing the backstory and obstacles overcome by individuals and nations alike as I witnessed the globe pouring into Rio’s Olympic Stadium last Friday night.  Perhaps the constant barrage of global hate crimes and terrorism begs for a different voice; one of hope and generosity.  Or maybe I’m just getting old and sappy; more skin in the game, perhaps?  I don’t know…

A DIFFERENT VOICE

I hear a simple truth reverberate loud and clear within each and every athletes story as I follow the 2016 games. It’s clear as a bell.  I see it on hallowed risers as medals are placed on those well-deserving, chiseled bodies.  I see it when the tears flow steadily and uncontrollably down winners’ faces, exhausted and delirious, yet more present than ever.  I hear it perhaps the loudest when the bright and hopeful stars of tomorrow don’t make the cut for whatever reason, falling with devastation and disappointment into the arms of their lifetime advocates, coaches, and teammates.

WHAT BRINGS US TOGETHER

The journey of greatness is one of presence, engagement.  It is made up of thousands of weeks, hundreds of thousands of days and practices, millions of hours, and countless decisions; all kissed by unmistakeable failure, heartache, waiting, sometimes bliss.  The bleeding heart pushing it all forward, day after grueling day is quite simply…Belief.

Though separated by culture, creed, economy, language, religion, and politic, there is a universal force that unites us all: Belief.

Sure, you can hire the best coach money can buy and crystallize a flawless strategy, yet without a mindset of belief in our core value and worth, we are stymied by self-doubt, never leaving the gate.

Digging even deeper, I can guarantee most, if not every single Olympian, experiences seasons of total unbelief.  I imagine depression, loneliness, injury, and discouragement often taint this less than hopeful view.  You don’t have to be a world-class athlete to dance with those demons; we’ve all been there.  Those are times we lean heavily on the belief of others.  Whethercoaches, teammates, loved ones, and/or counselors; those steady and loving mirrors bolster the unwavering belief we need until we are able to embrace that reality for ourselves.   

WHO’S ON YOUR TEAM?

Who are the people in your court who know you, see you, and speak the same language of belief, no matter what? They use the same currency of hopes and dreams?  They live in the same state of vulnerability and presence, risky as it may feel?  Even on defeated days, they see the winner that becomes you.   If I have learned anything in this life, it is the incomparable value of trusted relationship and community that make bitter days a bit sweeter.   I’m a big believer in quality over quantity.  Having three to five fiercely committed teammates feels stronger and more sincere than 25.  It’s more difficult to intentionally nurture the masses, however, I suppose it can be done, especially by all you extroverts out there. 

I saw this quote on a friend’s Instagram yesterday: “Winners focus on winning.  Losers focus on winners.”  Wow. That’s it!  The picture displayed above accompanied the quote and paints a hauntingly true picture of that tragic dynamic.  Whatever the challenge, whatever the task at hand; I am learning the importance of presence, not perfection (Thank you Shauna Niequist!), and the pursuit of belief, not comparison. Winning goes far beyond a gold medal.  Winning is showing up, staying present in our truth, and leaning into love every step of the way.  

Brainspotting 101

Where we look affects how we feel

What is Brainspotting?

The world of psychology is quickly progressing in the direction of brain based science these days, which is beyond cool to me. Brainspotting (BSP) is a “brain-body based” relational therapy developed by Dr. David Grand used to heal emotional pain and blocks, and is especially effective when treating trauma. Here’s how it works:

Basically, when you hold a particular eye position while concurrently having biolateral sound in your ears, it is possible to access trauma stored way down deep in the subcortical part of the brain, a place that traditional talk therapy alone cannot touch. Because trauma is housed, or filed away in capsule like bundles in this mid part of the brain, techniques such as BSP have been proven to unlock these painful experiences, allowing for the brain to process them as past tense events instead of crippling now and future experiences.With the lightened physical and emotional load, we are no longer weighed down by trauma and associated pain trapped in the body and can function at much higher levels. Many people, including myself, experience relief in body tension and alignment, as well as a greater ability to be in the present moment, free from that constant tendency to live “out there” either in a past or future mind set.

Intrigued? There’s more…

Each and every brain is literally a genius, containing one quadrillion (1,000,000,000,000,000) neuron connections (Daniel Amen). That’s 15 zero’s people!! That being said, those connections link and associate to and around traumatic experiences and build over time, forming capsule like containers in the mid brain, which controls our bodily function, instinct, thought, creativity, and spirituality. This is why trauma often stunts functioning and points us to therapy in the first place. Perhaps the best news I’ve gathered in my personal research and training is that the brain is so powerful, so resilient, it is capable of healing itself. BSP advances this healing dramatically. I have been fascinated by the mind-body connection for some time now, and learning this new technique is only whetting my appetite for greater healing through that connection.

Who benefits from Brainspotting?

BSP is helpful and applicable for anyone facing challenges and feeling stuck. It is used often for anxiety, depression, relational problems, functioning problems, and chronic pain. Trauma victims benefit hugely as stated earlier. In thinking about trauma, keep in mind that this means anything unwanted or unnatural that we experience. There are the “Big T” traumas and “Little t” traumas. Our unique stories of personal pain and hardship are all relative; I can’t discount my trauma just because it might not look as vivid and awful as yours. Your story, your pain is what you know and that makes it enough to reach out for resources of healing and support. BSP and therapy in general must always hold our unique personal journeys very gently and without judgement.

The Creative and Brainspotting

One of my favorite things about BSP is its proven effectiveness with creatives, performers, and athletes. As mentioned earlier, trauma can severely stunt functioning. By getting into those deep, bundled associations around past trauma, we let go of them in the present moment and see them as past tense.

This enhances our creative and athletic performance and frees up space for mindfulness, expression, and mind-body connection.

Does BSP replace Talk Therapy?

Not at all. I’m a big believer in an integrated approach to therapy, tailoring treatment to fit the specific and unique needs of the client. BSP is part of this holistic approach and by no means substitutes the need for talk therapy. However, sometimes I do believe we talk around challenges and issues in therapy too much, rebranding it in our beings. If I am doing my job to the best of my ability, clients will spend less time in therapy and more time out in the world connecting to their best selves. I am beyond excited to incorporate brainspotting into my therapeutic model in order to help clients achieve greater peace and fulfillment than ever before.