Three Ways the Enneagram Can Help Your Marriage

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, so I thought I’d share with you some of my favorite ways the enneagram has supported my marriage.

Thankfully, I’d known about the Enneagram long before I got married, however, as I’ve devoted myself to it as a student and practitioner, I’ve been able to really put it to good use within the context of relationship.  

My ever-patient husband, Daniel, was quickly introduced to the Enneagram on…let’s say…date two.  So out of the gate, I’m sure he was one part amused and two parts annoyed that someone was trying to figure him out to this degree.  

Initially, I thought he was a type 1, the Perfectionist, due to his keen attention to detail, how highly people spoke of his character and integrity, his desire to constantly improve things around him, and….you guessed it… his heartfelt “suggestions” for my dishwasher loading non-skills. Apparently, there was a glaring right way to do it and I was not hip to it.  

Ahhh, but then several months later, while reading Beatrice Chestnut’s 9 Styles of Enneagram Leadership aloud to him on an overcast Sunday afternoon (I know…so romantic), he resonated strongly with the social subtype within type nine.  Not totally convinced, I went along with it.  

As a flaming type four, I was just tickled pink he humored my deep Enneagram enthusiasm.  I felt seen.  

A few years later, (yes, sometimes it takes that long to figure it out folks), he tagged along with me to an Enneagram workshop for therapists I was teaching in D.C.  After a morning of total immersion, we were heading to a celebratory lunch.  

In his understated way, he dropped a bomb on me. “So, I’m pretty sure I’m a 5 (the Observer), not a 9.”

!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

After a stunning aha moment and some long and slow breaths, it started to make sense.  “How could I have missed this?” I muttered.  I had to sit with this new insight for weeks, but eventually it all checked out.  While I don’t have time and space to unpack it all here (book coming soon!), suffice it to say, so many holes in the story of our relationship got filled in with understanding and compassion where there had been confusion and often hurt.  

It helped me heal my type four insecurities I’d carried into the relationship that initially became worse due to his lack of verbal affirmation.  I wanted a gusher. I got a strong, silent type.  I never doubted his love for me, but my percieved feeling of his witholding was actually him preserving time, energy and emotion in step with his type 5 tendency.  

Now it made sense he knew all the things about all the things!!! Why he loved spending time (alone) reading instruction manuals—pouring over books about succulents, the Battle of Nashville, recording gear, obscure facts about the Beatles, and the best value around on a stroller.  His favorite show is How It’s Made for Pete’s sake!

Beyond all those character traits, what really struck me was the story of type 5’s—his why—that explained so much. 

So, here are three ways it really helped us:

1. The Enneagram revealed the obvious nature of how differently we saw the world.  I’m a 4 and Daniel is a 5. This hit home that our respective ways of seeing and moving through the world were not necessarily normal—but different.  A slow meditation in humility if you ask me.  

2. To draw on attachment styles in relationship, we learned we both had avoidant styles of conflict as 4’s, 5’s, & 9’s are all withdrawing types. So, when the stresses of marriage mounted, we withdrew instead of assertively addressing the issue at hand.  This could become a pressure cooker for resentment if we weren’t aware what was happening. 

3. Part of “doing the work” of marriage requires committing to the study of their Enneagram type in order to fully understand how and why they think, feel, and act in the world, as well as how they show up in relationships.  I am now extra super well-versed in all things type 5. :)
   
   BONUS: Don’t forget…

4. It’s crucial to understand the suffering of each other’s type.  This identifies the early wounds the defensive structure of their personality was built around in order to survive.  It also provides information around what triggers stress and insecurity in each other.  

If you’re interested in using the Enneagram as a tool in therapy with your spouse or partner, I’d love to support you.  It’s not a magic pill, but it is a game-changing blueprint with which to build loving relationship with.  

How to use the Enneagram with your clients

Calling all therapists, coaches, and healing arts practitioners!!!  I’m thrilled to announce an upcoming webinar on Friday, March 8th from 9-12am CST, just for you!  It’s a modality I’ve been developing for years and I am so excited to finally share it with you.

I’ve known about the Enneagram longer than I’ve been a therapist.  In 2006, I stumbled upon this life changing tool, and in many ways, it is one of the reasons I went back to school to become a therapist.  I knew how powerful it was and if I could combine it with the healing process of therapy, big things would happen.  

Eighteen years later, I am still blown away by how effective the Enneagram is when used in the context of therapy and coaching.  In fact, it’s largely what I spend all of my time doing—working with individuals and groups all over to bring more self-awareness, understanding, and transformation.  

I want to invite you into this process and show you how you can take this tool and practically/immediately put it to great use in your practices. I’ve combined narrative therapy, somatic practice, and the Enneagram in a way that will support how you join with, support, and guide your clients.  

The best part? It’s super affordable!  I’ve priced it at $49/spot for this three-hour course.  I’ll be offering a more in depth version in the fall, so we will have time and space to move around together and practice a bit more.  

Here are some of the takeaways from the morning.

You will:

• Learn the basic construct of the Enneagram—a dynamic personality and character typing system used for deepening self-awareness and understanding and leading to personal and relational  transformation.  

• Understand why the Enneagram is so powerful for therapists and other helping professions.

• Walk away with an understanding of how to practically implement the Enneagram in your work and life immediately.

• Transform your practice and personal journey using the Enneagram concepts in action through an elegant combination of Enneagram-informed narrative and somatic therapies.

• Connect with other therapists and change agents.

Grab your spot today! 

Your self-care plan made simple

If there was one myth I’d love to blow up it’s this: Self-care is selfish.

Okay, maybe two: Therapy is for the weak. 

I’d also love to rebrand self-care as self-compassion.  It’s more a way of being with yourself rather than a way of doing for yourself.  Sure, both are important, but I believe if we know how to be with ourselves, befriend ourselves, and speak to ourselves like we would a loved one, the loving actions will surely follow.  

And so the basis for self-care is really self-understanding.  Thich Nhat Hanh said, “Understanding is love’s other name.” I surely believe this.  And so the basis of any self-care regimen is just that: to understand ourselves.  

The Enneagram is the best tool we have for developing more self-understanding.  This is one of the reasons I believe that it is the basis for any self-care regimen or mindset.  We can be with ourselves with more ease when we understand the motivations for how we think, feel, and act.  These motivations populate our thoughts and as a result, our beliefs about life, relationships, and the world around us.   

Again, the beginning of love is understanding. This is crucial.  

You may be very familiar with your Enneagram type wondering, what next?

As we develop greater self-awareness and understanding, we build a beautiful foundation to then create rhythms, rituals, or practices in our daily lives to further bake in this loving relationship with ourselves.  These  practices help us solidify the true, essential desires and intentions we have for ourselves.  In essence, they improve our overall quality of life, mind, body and heart, bringing balance where there is imbalance.

They also help us process and manage the stressors we bump up against each and every day. 

If  you are longing for a deeper, more accepting relationship with your self this year, I invite you to join me in the Practice, my Enneagram-based self-care membership program.  It’s an incredible community, a therapeutic toolkit, and a practical way to put the Enneagram to work in your everyday life.  Oh, and it’s also loads of FUN. 

Whereas life is wrought with uncertainty, you are not powerless! It’s time to take back that power.  I hope you’ll join me in the Practice!

Cheers! You've arrived...

One of my favorite pockets of time throughout the entire year is the week between Christmas and New Years.  I try my damndest to carve out some “deep work” time as I call it—time to clear the space, reconnect to presence after all the going and indulging, and map out a vision for the coming year.  My inner dreamer gets to dance around and color outside the lines a bit.  If I’m lucky, I try to take a whole morning or afternoon to do so.

This year was a no-go.  It just didn’t happen—and that’s okay.  I’m learning to give myself more grace and soften into life’s messy edges. 

However, in the spirit of community, I’d like to do this deep work—this dreaming if you will—together, and ease into new year.  

If you’ve been on this self-discovery journey with me for awhile, you may know I’m a huge fan of ritual rather than resolutions.  If you’re new to my blog and this glorious work of deepening self-awareness and transformation, welcome.  You are right on time and I can’t wait to connect with you.  

Here’s why I have a thing for ritual.  I’m convinced, over time, practicing good habits creates this soft light in our lives that draws out potential, undergirds desire, and creates balance where there is imbalance.  They are also built on loving connection with self as opposed to fear-based tactics. 

Interestingly, I think humans find extremes far easier than balance.  We like to react out of fear instead of respond out of desire.  Marketing moguls exploit this behavior big time, and anyway you slice it, they’re clever.  They know we go off the rails a bit over the holidays and tend to wake up today with a foggy head and a few extra pounds.  Swooping in, they save the day with their slashed gym membership prices and programs promising a new you in just one month.

Listen, If you’ve just given Gwyneth Paltrow a run for her money and spent all of yours on the hottest new cleanse, that’s okay too. I get it. Been there and have all the tee shirts and half-used supplement boxes to prove it.  

Yet with each passing year, as I show up for myself and my community, I’m learning something invaluable: what we really want is to create a feeling, not just a desired outcome.  As a result, this is why we’re rarely satisfied with any level of success or accomplishment—the feeling fades.  We want more.  

Today, let’s lay some groundwork for the edits, habits, and goals you’d like to see crystalize in 2024. Here are four crucial questions to help you do so.

I hope you’ll join me and carve out some well-deserved time to journal about the picture you’d like to build in 2024.  Come back to it over and over again.  Realign with its truth or tweak it if your course requires deviation. 

Here we go:

• What do you want to feel more of in 2024? (i.e. energized, awake, confident, accepted)

• Where do you want to go in 2024? (This can be figurative or literal. i.e. I want to explore a new city, yoga class, or I want to go from full-time to part-time at work so I can spend more time writing)

• What do you want to learn in 2024? (i.e. I want to learn to play drums or I want to learn to meditate)

• What do you want to change in 2024? (Reminder: this is desire driven, NOT fear driven!  Approach this from a place of worthiness rather than insecurity.  i.e. I’d like to build in more margin for rest and play into my life.)

I can’t wait to hear your feedback from this exercise. When we give voice and ink to our desires, we take them from whim to intention.  Let’s ease into the new year, listening, noticing, and responding to its inviting call to action.  If you’d like some extra light for the journey ahead,  I’m your girl.

I can’t wait to see all that 2024 has in store for you.

Cheers, indeed! You’ve arrived.

2024, Hello Gorgeous

I’ve been itching to say these words for awhile now: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Whereas tangibly nothing is different and the clock just rolled over as it does every December 31st, what does seem to change is our mindset—how we approach time.

There’s a stirring in the air, a blank slate if you will, and yet nothing has really changed.  Interesting isn’t it?  

I love what Meister Eckhart said, “Be willing to be a beginner every single morning.” A new year presents the invitation to begin again.  I believe every morning presents the same life-giving invitation as well.  It’s an opportunity to live wholeheartedly, with purpose and curiosity.   It’s the opportunity to step into your God-given shoes of worthiness no matter what is achieved, accomplished, or lost.  

You are the hero of your own journey.  In every single good story, the hero is met with upending challenges that test belief, identity, and most of all, hope.  And yet you, the hero, have the opportunity to begin again, every single day, with fresh vision and commitment.  

I’d love to be your guide this year on the blog.  I’d love to support you with tools, practices, and self-care opportunities I have been creating for a while.  You can expect to gain short, practical insights every Tuesday that make it just a bit easier to show up for yourself—and be with yourself—in a courageous and loving way.  

Of course I’d love for you to join me in my monthly subscription program called the Practice, if you’re interested in creating structure and accountability as you set out to meet the goals and intentions you’ve set for yourself this year.  It’s a self-care toolkit that combines practical ways to use the Enneagram, mindfulness, and self-compassion in your daily experience.  

And if you join before January 7th, you’ll receive $5.00 off your monthly subscription with the discount code: SELFCARE24.  

Wherever you decide to join me, I want you to know how grateful I am to be a part of your wellness journey.  It’s such an honor to have your company.  

I’ll leave you with a question:

If you continue on the self-development path you are on, where would you like to be a year  from now? What does your life look like? What’s different? The same?

I’d love to hear your answers!  Drop me a line if you’d like.

Alright, friends!  It’s showtime…