The Blog

All You Need is Love (& the Enneagram)

"Where we think we need more self-discipline, we usually need more self-love."

-Tara Mohr

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Here we are.

No matter how you slice it, we’ve made it (hopefully more than just intact) to a brand new year.  

It always amazes me that though certain seasons may bring their own version of emotional inclement weather, people and circumstances largely beyond our control, time gently holds us all to the same standard. You and I share the same amount of moments, minutes, and hours.  

In the midst of the storm, it sure doesn’t seem that way.  

Yet, steadily, we are all brought to the same here and now, if we choose to allow.

As you may have guessed reading the quote up above, this post is not going to be about New Year’s Resolutions. I swear those people got with the diet and exercise people and brokered a multibillion-dollar deal decades ago to keep us on a very frustrated treadmill.

Even the more subtle versions of resolutions always lose steam for me around early to mid February, not necessarily because I failed, but because the shine or need wore off, and I went back to my cozy old ways.  

I believe wholeheartedly that if your goal is success, whatever that may look like to you now, your best bet is developing life-giving habits over time instead of making ostentatious goals in abrupt or ambitious moments of inspiration.  Study the lives of the most successful, badass men and women throughout history, and you’ll likely find some pretty strong habits.

Again, this post isn’t about your most successful year in 2018—sorry, not sorry.  

The Queen, I mean Oprah, said it best:

“The key to realizing a dream is to focus not on success but on significance.  And then even the small steps and little victories along your path will take on greater meaning.”

You see, often the reason our goals and resolutions fall flat is because we are so obsessed with the end result, or the destination, that we miss the significance of the journey.  In doing so, we completely disconnect from who we are in the moment — our authentic self, who is deserving of  love and acceptance, no matter what’s been checked off the to-do list.

That sounds lovely... Okay, now how? How the heck do I simply turn on the love and acceptance switch? 

Hmm…nice try.  And oh how I wish there was a pill for that.  

But honestly I don’t.  Think about it, where would the fun be in simply meeting someone new, say a friend or love interest, and waving the wand of instant love and acceptance for them?  We would miss out on all the subtle, quirky nuances that draw us to them over time, not to mention the trust and connection that must be built by showing up, over and over again, and in doing so, gradually building up a picture of love and affection.  

In relationships, we observe people around us over time, and they either draw us to them or push us away.  

The same is true for your relationship with you.  Your significance isn’t how well you succeed over the course of time.  Your significance lies in all those glorious, unique things you bring to the moment, and how you choose to share them.  

In my experience, it’s much harder to do what I truly desire when I am my own worst enemy.  It almost always backfires.  

However, when I get out of my own way and start playing for instead of against my team, big things happen.  

Perhaps the greatest tool alongside therapy that has equipped me to do this is the Enneagram.  Over the course of the last 11 years, it has been a steady companion, giving me language to express lonely truths I thought only I had, as well as reasons for doing the clumsy things I so often do.  The Enneagram has gently shown me all the ways I wear false if not fashionable masks of personality to protect myself from being truly seen and perhaps rejected. She has shown me the great potential that awaits (when I do step out of my own way).

You may know about the Enneagram, and if so, I’m grateful.  It’s not just a buzz word or cool kid trend. In fact, it’s so ancient experts can’t quite nail down its conception. It’s stood the test of time, and I’m thrilled more and more people are bringing it into their homes, relationships and dinner conversations.

Let your progress in 2018 start by giving yourself the gift of connection.  Connect back to the little girl who only knows love and has no clue how to lie or be afraid or confuse success with love.  

If this feels wildly out of reach and too esoteric, don’t worry, you’re not alone, I’d love to support you in your desire to truly thrive.  2018 has given us a wide open road to explore the countless possibilities, and I’ve got a killer roadmap to get us there.  It’s time to truly connect back to you. 

You ready?

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

xoxo

P.S. If you are in the helping profession (or fascinated by the Enneagram and how to practically use it in your life), I’d LOVE to have you at my upcoming workshop The Enneagram in Action: A Training for Therapists and the Healing Arts Community, on January 19th! 

Click here to learn more!

 
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Four Crucial Questions for A Beautiful New Year

One of my favorite pockets of time throughout the entire year is upon us; the week between Christmas and New Years.  I try my damnedest to carve out some “deep work” time as I call it, in order to clear the space, reconnect to presence after all the going and indulging, and map out a vision for the coming new year.....

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One of my favorite pockets of time throughout the entire year is upon us; the week between Christmas and New Years.  I try my damnedest to carve out some “deep work” time as I call it, in order to clear the space, reconnect to presence after all the going and indulging, and map out a vision for the coming new year.  My inner dreamer gets to dance around boldly and color outside the lines a bit.  If I’m lucky, I try to take a whole morning or afternoon to do so.

Today, as you let the turkey and toffee settle, perhaps still surrounded by family in from out of town or friends who stopped by to say hello, I want to leave you with some food for thought as we head into these final days of 2017.

I’m struck by the power of habit or ritual as a pre-emptive tool to greet each new day with, as opposed to drastic measures and knee-jerk reactions.  Over time, good habits create this soft light in our lives that accentuate our potential and undergirds our desires with balance as opposed to extremes. 

I know, it’s so tempting to let it all hang out the last several weeks of the year only to justify it January 1 with a brazen New Year’s Resolution that, in my experience, lasts about two weeks if I’m lucky. 

With each passing year, as I show up for myself and my community, I’m learning something invaluable: extreme, reactionary quick fixes are often just detours. Connection is always king.

If you have battled discouragement in the past because your desire for self-improvement took a sharp turn south when the diet and exercise plan you spent a fortune on went bust four days in, this is for you. 

If you rock resolutions, more power to you and I’d love to shake your hand.  In my experience, they always end like a hot and heavy, short-lived relationship.  I like to call them “whoosh” relationships: they promise the sun, moon, and stars, and then Bam! Like a cotton candy sugar rush, they crash and burn when the lights go up and the curtain falls.  It’s like the jerk of whip-lash—the “whoosh” of a cold whip of wind.  

Interestingly enough, I think humans find extremes far easier than balance.  We like to react out of fear instead of responding out of desire.  Marketing moguls exploit this behavior big time, and anyway you slice it, they’re clever.  They know that people go off the rails a bit over the holidays and wake up January 1 with a foggy head and a few extra pounds.  Swooping in, they save the day with their slashed gym membership prices and 30-day cleanse program promising a new you in just one month.

We’ve been hooked.  When those dollars are spent and the motivation trails off the next afternoon, we go looking for another option, or some leftover peppermint bark, whichever comes quicker.  

The shame cycle’s begun again.  

Perhaps I’m cynical, or perhaps I’ve had LOTS of practice reacting out of fear and manipulation rather than choosing what will truly satisfy me from a place of mindfulness and connection.

*If you jump on my website, you’ll see a logo and the story behind it on the home page.*  My approach to therapy and coaching is built on relationship, as I believe that when we begin to soften and mend our inner dialog and heal our relationship with self, external pieces of life follow suit and eventually thrive as well.  It’s not magic, it’s a journey and one I’m very much still on.

Today, I want to invite you into deeper connection with you by asking four questions that will lay some groundwork for the edits, goals, and habits you want to see take root in your life in 2018.  These are adapted from one of my favorite podcasts “The Accidental Creative” —so good I had to share!  Being mindful of desires, feelings, and curiosities will take us much further than stringent rules and regimens we place on ourselves.  Without the “why” the “how” is obsolete.

I hope you’ll join me and carve out some well-deserved time to journal around the picture you’d like to build for the coming year.  Come back to it over and over again.  Realign with its truth or tweak it if you need to deviate from the course.  The possibilities are endless.

Here we go:

• What do you want to feel more of in 2018? (e.g., energized, awake, confident, accepted)

• Where do you want to go in 2018?  (This can be figurative or literal. e.g., I want to explore a new city, yoga class, or I want to go from full-time to part-time at work so I can spend more time writing)

• What do you want to learn in 2018? (e.g., I want to learn to play drums or I want to learn to meditate)

• What do you want to change in 2018? (Reminder: this is desire driven, NOT fear driven!  Approach this from a place of “I’m enough” rather than insecurity.  e.g., I’d like to build in more margin for rest and play into my life.)

I can’t wait to hear your feedback on this exercise! When we give voice to this stuff, it crystalizes in our bones a bit more.  Let’s ease into 2018, listening, noticing, and responding to its inviting call to action.  If you’d like some extra light for the journey ahead, please don’t hesitate to reach out.

Happy New Year!

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

xoxo

 
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A New Day: Respond vs. React

Mindfulness gives you time.  Time gives you choices.  Choices, skillfully made, lead to freedom.  You don’t have to be swept away by your feeling.  You can respond with wisdom and kindness rather than habit and reactivity.

– Henepola Gunaratana

Mindfulness gives you time.  Time gives you choices.  Choices, skillfully made, lead to freedom.  You don’t have to be swept away by your feeling.  You can respond with wisdom and kindness rather than habit and reactivity.
– Henepola Gunaratana

Happy New Year!  We made it.  Whereas it feels really good to mark a new year with a clean slate and endless possibilities (so I keep being reminded of through Instagram feeds and my inbox) I must say, I’ve gotten a slow start to 2017 accompanied by a slew of contradictory emotions: relief, excitement, lethargy, longing, confusion, and tons of heightened expectations.  What about you?

How to’s

There are a zillion blogs out there.  I read a handful of them and I write merely one of them.  What I hope you will find different or inviting about mine is a certain level of transparency and vulnerability. I like stories as opposed to “how to’s.” It makes me cringe when I think of following zippy blog trends entitled: “three foolproof resolutions for your best year”, and “how to attract your soul mate in less than a month”, or my favorite siren, “Your extreme makeover starts here!”

King

I’m not digging on the dedicated and brilliant bloggers out there who offer hope to thousands through this approach, Lord knows I’ve been wowed often. However, with each passing year, as I show up for myself and my community, I’m learning something invaluable: extreme quick fixes are often just detours. Connection is king.

Carbs

In light of this, the “slow start” to 2017 I mentioned earliermay not be so bad after all.  In fact, perhaps grace, self-compassion, and connection are bleeding through the imperfect, jagged little edges of these young days .  Writing’s slowed down, work outs lightly sprinkled in, family laughter and Netflix watching heavy, carb and sugar consumption strong, and goals/intentions for 2017, still a bit foggy.  Strangely though, a newfound waft of acceptance and presence rises up through the air like the inviting smell of freshly baked bread.

Hustle

You see, I love extremes, or have loved I should say.  As a youngster, I was super particular, giving my sweet, saint of a mother hell if my pony tail wasn’t perfect.  It had to be just so.  Sensitive beyond words, I carried the unbearable weight of desperately wanting to be liked and accepted by peers and teachers at every turn.  I was hard on myself.  I didn’t much like myself either, learning to hustle big time to gain entry into the rooms I longed to set foot in.  One of the byproducts of this premature shame was a pretty hard-core eating disorder in high school.  What started off wanting to feel better about myself through running and healthy eating turned into a voracious and life-threatening battle with anorexia.

Whoosh

This is not a sketch of that journey; a different story for a different day, and a hopeful one at that.  This is encouragement for the weary soul or two out there who don’t want to buy into a billion dollar industry that tells us we need to change and we need to change FAST.  I’ve got nothing against new year’s resolutions and change for that matter, that is, if they serve you well.  In my experience, they always end like a hot and heavy, short-lived relationship.  I like to call them “whoosh” relationships: they promise the sun, moon, and stars, and then Bam! Like a cotton candy sugar rush they crash and burn when the lights go up and the curtain closes.  It’s like the jerk of whip-lash, the “whoosh” of a cold whip of wind.  I spent my 20’s learning all about that situation—not a good look.

Reaction Formation

Interestingly enough, I think humans find extremes far easier than balance.  We like to react out of fear instead of respond out of desire.  Marketing exploits this behavior big time, and anyway you slice it, they’re clever.  They know that people go off the rails a bit over the holidays and wake up January 1 with a foggy head and a few extra pounds.  Swooping in, they save the day with their slashed gym membership prices and 30-day cleanse program promising a new you in just one month.

We’ve been hooked.  When those dollars are spent and the motivation trails off the next afternoon, we go looking for another option, or some leftover toffee, whichever comes quicker.  The shame cycle’s begun again.  Perhaps I’m cynical, or perhaps I’ve had LOTS of practice reacting out of fear and manipulation rather that choosing what will truly satisfy from a place of mindfulness and connection.

Logo

If you jump on my website, you’ll see a logo and the story behind it on the home page.  My approach to therapy and coaching is built on relationship as I believe when we begin to soften and mend our inner dialog, healing our relationship with self, external pieces of life follow suit and eventually thrive as well.  It’s not magic, it’s a journey and one I’m very much still on.

Four Questions

Today, I want to invite you into deeper connection with you by asking four questions that will lay some groundwork for the edits and goals you may have this year.  These are adapted from one of my favorite podcasts “The Accidental Creative”—so good I had to share!  Being mindful of desires, feelings, and curiosities will take us much further than stringent rules and regimens we place on ourselves.  Without the “why” the “how” is obsolete.

Let this be a journal prompt for you this week, one you come back to over and over either to realign with or tweak.

  • What do you want to feel in 2017? (i.e. energized, awake, confident, accepted)
  • Where do you want to go in 2017? (This can be figurative or literal. i.e. I want to explore a new city, yoga class, or I want to go from full-time to part-time at work so I can spend more time writing)
  • What do you want to learn in 2017? (i.e. I want to learn to play drums or I want to learn to meditate)
  • What do you want to change in 2017? (Reminder: this is desire driven, NOT fear driven!  Approach this from a place of “I’m enough” rather than insecurity.  i.e. I’d like to build in more margin for rest and play into my life.)

Please please share your feedback from this exercise! When we give voice to this stuff, it solidifies a bit more.  I hope you will join me as I ease into 2017, listening, noticing, and responding to it’s inviting call to action.  If you’d like some extra light for the journey ahead, don’t hesitate to reach out.

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

xoxo

 
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Happy New Year – A Note on Goals

Happy New Year, friends! I write this with great expectancy and anticipation for a beautiful 2016. It seems as though the first several weeks of January bring a sparkling hope and determination to get back in the gym, learn a new instrument, back off from bad habits, and maybe even practice a bit more self-care and awareness. Some call these New Year’s resolutions; I like to call them goals. For whatever reason, goals seem easier to stick with and far less daunting. Whatever matter of wording serve your process best, I want to communicate my deep longing to support you in them this year.

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Happy New Year, friends! I write this with great expectancy and anticipation for a beautiful 2016. It seems as though the first several weeks of January bring a sparkling hope and determination to get back in the gym, learn a new instrument, back off from bad habits, and maybe even practice a bit more self-care and awareness. Some call these New Year’s resolutions; I like to call them goals. For whatever reason, goals seem easier to stick with and far less daunting. Whatever matter of wording serve your process best, I want to communicate my deep longing to support you in them this year.

Personally, 2015 was one for the books—a truly unforgettable year! After years of slowly building my practice and working several odd jobs along the way, I finally reached a pivotal point of streamlining all of my time and focus into my three loves: private practice, music, and writing. This leap was scary at first; however, it has proven to be the right move as the net of opportunity and provision have met me in mid-air. This would not have been possible had you not trusted me as part of your journey to wholeness AND believed in me enough to refer peers and loved ones as well. For this I cannot thank you enough.

When I say it is an honor to journey with you I cringe by its seeming triteness! I’m overwhelmed with pure gratitude for you and am in awe of your story. I am humbled by your courage to reach out for extra light and support—that is one of the most vulnerable things we can do as humans. I am inspired by your beauty and uniqueness; you are so very special and I love holding the space for you to embrace the inner wisdom that paves the road to increased acceptance and joy. So again, thank you for making the precious investment in therapy and for sharing your truly magnificent lives with me in 2015.

2015 was also a year of huge blessing in that I got engaged after many, many years of waiting. Finding someone who loves me unconditionally AND challenges me to be the best version of myself is a miraculous gift—and one definitely worth the wait. Contrary to the wildly romantic ideas of the classic movie Jerry McGuire, relationships and people do not complete us; however, we do grow and heal in the context of them- and of course are meant to very much enjoy them! I love how author Donald Miller captures this concept in his latest masterpiece, Scary Close, with the notion that we are “ companions in the longing.” Feeling safety and acceptance in this journey of longing is indeed a magical thing.

As we embrace this new year, I want to leave you with some wisdom my dear father has always lived by and continually shares with our family: Write down your goals. It doesn’t matter how big or small they are. Write them down. Care about yourself enough to look at them often and even tweak them along the way. There is something powerful that happens when we transpose our goals from their inner birthplace onto paper. It’s a sacred transfer. If you don’t know what you’re goals are yet, that’s ok! Pay attention to what brings you excitement and energy and go from there. Don’t judge your goals; just write them down. Carve out some time this month to journal about those heart longings; I believe they are vitally important to who we are. As I often say, we are most content when we are connected to our desires and making daily choices to align with them. I am here for you in this process; it is my joy and passion to work alongside you!

Love and Gratitude,
katie

 
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