Your Gift is Inside

I want to take a quick minute to say a huge thank you and Merry Christmas! 

Whatever your holiday traditions, it feels so important to me to take time out of all the busyness and hard work and celebrate those things that matter the most.  

After all, I fear as a culture, we’ve lost the art of celebration—and savoring.  

This month, as you may be in the midst of family gatherings, travel, or sneaking that third handful of toffee (I saw that 😊), I pray you take a  moment to celebrate the work you’ve done for you to untangle the false beliefs that have held you back in the past.  Isn’t that what we are tasked with on this glorious and often terrifying journey from the head to the heart?  Unlearning the stuff that doesn’t serve us anymore?  

Well I’m proud of us!  We’ve been unravelling nicely this year and it’s time to do the important work of sealing it all in with love and celebration.  

Something that’s been stirring inside me lately is how to cultivate more faith.  This season, I want to unearth the faith and awe I had as a child.  The simple, yet stunning wonder that was there from the very beginning.  I want to unlearn a bit of the fear I picked up along the way.  Sure, fear helped me survive for a bit, yet it has made my faith feel dim.  

Maybe it’s having a two-year old (or my overall space-cadet-ness due to chemo brain…and yes, it’s real.)  Whatever it is, I love the idea of detaching from some of the “grown-up” fear in order to rediscover the childlike faith that’s our God-given birthright.  

This is good news for you and me!  Why? Because it means we’ve already got everything we need deep inside.   We get to rediscover it this season, and perhaps for the first time.   

If this feels weird and foreign, don’t worry, it should—letting go of what’s familiar in order to receive what’s new can be!  Your brain is not used to it.

We’ll get there, together.  We’re building this supportive community that will only grow stronger in 2022.  

This month, however, let’s celebrate—and savor—how far we’ve already come together.  

Thank you for joining me.  For having faith and putting one foot in front of the other, often blindly, in order to give yourself the gift of time and attention.  It’s important, life-giving work.

You are a gift to me…and I can’t wait to see what’s in store for the days ahead.  

My Heart is Full

This Thanksgiving means more to me than any other.  If you have been following my story on social media and the blog, you may know that in April of 2021, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I had a bilateral mastectomy in May and started chemo late August.  

As I write this newsletter, my heart is full.  I completed my last round of chemo on October 28th.  After three weeks of my normal post-chemo symptoms (i.e. fatigue, flu-like aches, low-grade fever, and pains, as well as the strangest metallic taste in my mouth), I can honestly—hopefully—and humbly say, I’ve come through the worst of it.  And I feel strong. 

If you’ve experienced cancer, you know there is no easy way around it.  The word alone sends a chill of fear through my bones.  Thankfully, mine was stage one, and despite having the genetic mutation that creates higher risk of having it later in life, the combination of surgery, chemotherapy, and ongoing medication will knock it out.  

Sure, Thanksgiving is all about gratitude—a day we celebrate the posture of a thankful heart—and a meal of some sort to share with those we love.  What I’m learning though is that it’s too little too late if we rely on a national holiday to remind us of what we’re grateful for.  I pray a day doesn’t go by that I forget to actively, out loud, thank God for walking me through every step of my cancer journey.   

I believe something has to happen in order for us to stay connected to a gratitude practice—presence.  Some people interchange the words presence and mindfulness.  Bringing our thoughts and inner dialog down low as we connect to the simplicity of the moment. 

However, I actually like how some eastern traditions refer to mindfulness as “heartfulness” instead.   After all, our emotions help to integrate our brains and bodies as humans.  

To me, this looks like feeling on a heart-level, the beauty and wonder of the present moment.  Bringing our whole heart into our moment-to-moment experience.  From this place, the clanking noise starts to flatline and our willingness and curiosity build.  From this place we let go of scarcity and ego and receive love and openness.  

If cancer has taught me anything, it is that life is too short to be bound by fear—too short for playing small.  You and I have a calling, and if we will say yes to that calling, we can illuminate the way of hope for a hungry and hurting world.  Let’s say “yes” together.  

Happiest of Thanksgivings, from my table to yours.  

Parting Ways with Perfectionism

Raise your hand if you’ve ever struggled with perfectionism. Though I can’t see you right now as you read this, I have a hunch most of you have your hands up, either literally or figuratively in your heart where no one else can see you and wonder if there are bigger problems than perfectionism at stake. Oh, I’ve got your number, I’m a recovering perfectionist.

Perfection is so elusive, yet so tempting, especially for all you creative, high-achievers out there. It’s a vain and futile attempt to attain the unattainable. 

And guess what?

It’s impossible. Perfectionism is an overt, egoic striving to fill a covert, bleeding insecurity. If we’re really honest, perfection is just a scared man’s game.

I write these words with emboldened authority only because I’ve had a lifelong, enmeshed relationship with perfectionism. I don’t know the magic potion I sipped on so early in life to fuel the flame, but boy was it potent. I’ve been incredibly judgy and hard on myself from day one. 

As a complex and sensitive kid (read: dramatic), being understood and well-received always took precedence. Acceptance, personal significance, and value were—and still are—my drug.  I know, classic Enneagram four move.  

The temptation is always: “I’m doing pretty good, but something’s missing.” This kind of thinking has kept me double bound in the fetal position of literal and figurative dark corners in life many times. 

Anne Lamott is spot on:

“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life.”

For creatives especially, this phenomenon is mass genocide. I believe this is because ideas and concepts are birthed in our thinking mind, which can be an absolutely lovely place to be. We have a brilliant idea for a lyric, a new workflow, a painting, a proposal, and we run with it, executing it immediately and seamlessly, right? Bam…so easy.

Wrong. My experience as a writer and working with other creatives is this: that brilliant little idea gets locked up in the thinking mind, stewing and marinating in all kinds of saucy possibility and grandeur, so much so that it never even sees the light of day. 

Our minds are meant to be the sacred birthplace of ideas. Our minds were not meant to indefinitely house them, ultimately squeezing the life and breath out with quenching fumes of perfectionism. Social media doesn’t make this pursuit any easier as we get caught up in comparison games with people we don’t even know posting highlight reels from their otherwise normal life.  

This can lead to such worthlessness and defeat, we either want to numb out somehow (drugs, booze, sex, shopping, busyness, work, what have you) or we abandon our creative calling all together. This is around the time therapy sounds like a promising option.

David Foster Wallace said it this way, “Perfectionism is very dangerous. Because of course if your fidelity to perfectionism is too high, you never do anything.”

I suspect you want to do great things: to be seen, known, and truly loved.  I do too.  The only problem is, this requires tons of courage…and vulnerability.  Perfectionism doesn’t leave much room for them. 

What if we could aim for better instead of perfect?  To slowly build on the baby steps of gradual improvement—choosing the next best thing? This type of growth mindset leaves room for the successes, the failures, and the stalls.  Best of all, you hold the keys to your life, not some elusive, phony version of you.  

This week, what would it look like to choose better over perfect? 

How to Enjoy Food This Holiday Season

I’m pretty sure I say this every year, and here goes again: I can’t believe the holidays are upon us.  Though they may look a bit different this year with the extra precautions we’re all having to take, one thing remains: food will still be at the forefront.  

Especially at Thanksgiving—the heightened emphasis on that decadent meal with butter dripping from every possible opportunity leaves so many  people feeling anxious due to complicated relationships with food and body image.  I know this struggle all too well as someone who suffered a deadly eating disorder in high school.  I’ve worked hard to maintain a healthy relationship with food bolstered by a more gentle and balanced approach.  Though I feel a million times better today and don’t struggle in the way I used to,  I have a very special place in my heart for those who suffer from this ongoing battle with themselves and food.

In fact, most women struggle at some point in their lives with a disordered  relationship with food.  An estimated 30 million people, men and women alike, suffer from actual eating disorders through the course of their lifetime.  Ya’ll, that’s wild.  And incredibly sad.  

Whereas I highly encourage you to seek professional treatment both with a therapist and physician if you are struggling, I wanted to share with you a few ideas on how to approach the next month and a half with more grace and enjoyment.  

Mindful Eating

I’m a big believer that it’s not the actual food that creates problems, it’s our relationship with food.  So many of us, myself included, use food as a medicator, to numb and relieve temporary emotional pain.  That, or we use it to celebrate good news or important events.  So often, this is an unconscious process—one we don’t even realize is happening.  It’s automatic, habitual, and ingrained.  Simply  becoming more aware of what you are eating, when you are eating,  and why you are eating is incredibly supportive in a more mindful relationship with food.  I like to call this mindful eating.  It doesn’t mean deprivation either!  It simply means slowing down enough to eat with intention and awareness.  It’s proven that as we slow down our actual eating time, we can connect to our bodies more,  identifying when we are initially full. 

Exercise

As many of us will be more homebound this holiday season, we can perhaps focus on maintaining a solid exercise program—whether it’s a brisk morning walk or a streaming yoga class.  Let’s face it, we will be indulging a bit more in the coming weeks.  This is the perfect opportunity to balance our mindful eating with mindful movement.   As emotions also run high, physical exercise is an incredible natural anti-depressant and anti-anxiety.  Give yourself the gift of intentional exercise these upcoming weeks—it’s always a good idea!

Healthy-ish

You’ve heard about the 80/20 rule, eating healthy 80% of the time and indulging 20% of the time.  I try to follow this as closely as possible.  However, like I mentioned earlier, the holidays are a time for celebration  and merry-making.  So you may need to extend a bit of leeway in the direction of a 70/30 rule...eating healthy 70% and indulging more like 30%.   The goal is to eradicate shame when we eat a bit more than we’d like or even gain a few pounds.   No one ever improved their relationship with food  from a baseline of shame.  And that’s what we’re going for:  practicing a better relationship with food rather than putting unnecessary pressure on a strict diet. 

My favorite thing about Thanksgiving is that it’s not just about food—it’s about gratitude.  Enjoying food from a place of gratitude and abundance  rather than fear and scarcity is the goal.  I’m so grateful for you, and that we are on this beautiful journey together.

Fall, Body Image, & the Gift of Procrastination (Yep, you heard me.)

Do you feel the swing of fall kick up all the busy energy like I do?  

It happens every October.  The kids are back in school, schedules lock in step, and a cozy waft of pumpkin spice beckons our senses around every corner.  

Fall is my favorite.  I’m not sure if it’s because I was deprived of clear-cut seasons growing up in Mobile Alabama’s constant humid sweat or if it is simply the fact that I’m a sucker for jackets, boots, scarves, and those glorious warm colors.  It’s both–perhaps.  The moral of the story here is: there is a crisp, tangible shift that dials in and carries me through to the year’s end.  

Festivity is the oversized centerpiece of fall’s table.  The striking hallmark in that centerpiece—busyness.  Work schedules often really wake up as do social gatherings and travel, leaving self-care and connection optional at best. For me at least, the treadmill starts to speed up, and I let go of all the rituals and reasons I’ve come to rely on for a sense of sanity and serenity throughout the year. 

Last Wednesday, I had the distinct honor of joining my friend, Mary Hyatt, on her Facebook Live show.  Mary’s an incredible personal coach, entrepreneur, and Essential Oil guru who shares a passion for empowering others to live their fullest and most authentic lives.  We had the best time talking about perfectionism, especially as it relates to body image.  

Now you may be thinking, “What the heck do perfectionism, body image, and Fall have to do with anything?”, and that would be fair.  Hang in though.

After the show, I left her studio still marinating in our conversation.  I was curious why perfectionism is this rampant, especially for so many women, and how we grow to get so attached to its limiting and fearful message.  

Perfectionism is such a manipulative lie and one that actually stunts any lasting success, acceptance, creativity, and joy.  It always backfires.

As a recovering perfectionist, I’m all too familiar with its soul-sucking grip.  At the bleeding heart of it is the bondage of comparison with others, and/or some unrealistic version of who we should be that doesn’t actually even exist.  

We can’t throw the baby out with the bathwater though.  After all,  the seed of perfectionism’s pursuit is a massive desire for acceptance and belonging, two things we actually block when we become captives to the prison of its stark and lonely cell.  

Your Desire is everything!  It indicates a longing for something more and leads you into the path of your truth.  However, the straight jacket of control, typically fueled by fear, stunts the hope of desire.  

Perfectionism won’t allow for vulnerability and acceptance, and belonging requires loads of that V stuff.  It’s a tricky conundrum, indeed.

In my experience, when I’ve fallen so hard into the lull of perfectionistic sleep, it’s a subtle process, one that definitely doesn’t feel intentional.  This typically happens in seasons of disconnection with self—busyness.  

So procrastination is a thing.  You get it.  Chances are, you’re really good at it too.  My hope for you and I in this yummy fall season is that we would practice awareness as to exactly what we are procrastinating.  What are you putting off in order to facilitate the ramped up energy of fall?  

Is it sleep, exercise, meditation, journaling, or simply downtime?  Where will these deficits show up?  Typically, they show up at some point in relationships with self and others.  Another resulting deficit is our peace.  I love the quote that says, “If it costs me my peace, it’s too expensive.”  

With the alluring temptress of perfectionism lurking not so subtly on social media, presenting universes of shiny, packaged worlds, my challenge to you today is this:  

Rebel. Procrastinate perfectionism— Just for today.  

Perhaps tomorrow you can pick it up, maybe.  Instead, slow down and lean heavily on the courage of self-compassion.  Look at yourself,—your life, in the mirror and speak to that longing, loving soul as you would your best friend.  No one ever accomplished great things by hating themselves into submission.  

Life does get busy, and stress often feels like our annoyingly perky roommate.  Just remember, your “me,” that little person who looks a whole lot like you, is patient and up for the adventure.  Don’t leave her behind or worse, trade her in, for an illusory version.  The most beautiful life happens when we embrace ourselves as perfectly imperfect, quirky, messy, and all.  

Freefall into the unique loveliness of you.  Perfectionism is playing far too small.  

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

xoxo