{video} Back to School: A Little Announcement From Yours Truly

Happy Tuesday!  I hope your week is off to a fantastic start. I wanted to put a quick video together for you today because I have some really exciting news to share with you. And part of that news is that I will be stepping away from the blog for the month of August and won’t be writing a weekly post and connecting with you on that level which I will miss. However, the reason for that is I am going to be out in California immersed in an intensive Enneagram training and Certification which I am beyond thrilled about. I’m definitely geeking out on the inside. If you know me, or maybe we’ve worked together, you know just how passionate I am about this tool called the Enneagram, which in my mind is the most transformational tool for self-development and growth. So, I am excited to build on my existing knowledge base and be able to serve you in a more dynamic and robust way.

I’ve also got some more exciting opportunities planned for you this Fall.  I will be sharing more on those when I return in September so stay tuned. In the meantime, I’d love to stay connected with you.  I will be posting on Instagram sharing a bit more about what I’m doing and what I’m learning so I’d love for you to join me. If you’re on Instagram, feel free to follow me at @katiegustafsoncounseling. It will be quite an adventure. I have no idea what to expect but I’m truly grateful and excited. I hope you have an amazing month of August and I cannot wait to connect with you on the other side. So, take really good care and I will see you soon.

 
Love & Gratitude,
Katie

Victim Much? A Guidebook (Asking for a Friend Of Course)

Let’s get right to it. When was the last time you had a pity-party?  You know, somebody let you down (perhaps this person was you), you then wrote a compelling best-selling drama in that head of yours deeming it an unfair situation, then proceeded to peace out and sulk (slowly) in the coziness of your favorite chair—the victim seat.  For me, this was probably last Wednesday. 

In fact, why stop at victim? Victim, rescuer, and persecutor are all tempting roles we each play, albeit unconsciously. It’s even probable you’ve explored these three destructive relationship roles within a matter of days or hours.  Here’s a great example. 

You are having the vacation of your dreams.  You’ve spent the last ten days exploring, eating, and indulging your way through Italy and now you’re set to return home.  As you settle back into your daily routine, you notice an extra five pounds mysteriously came back with you.  You feel gross and beat yourself up a little (enter persecutor, stage right).  

You decide you’re going to remedy this situation so you cut out all carbs, eat mostly kale prepared in every which way, and work out like a maniac for the next week (now the rescuer joins you from stage left delivering her clever and very convincing monologue). However, two days in you’re starving and extremely irritable and just too tired to wake up at the crack for that grueling hour of Orange Theory.  A pepperoni and mushroom pizza followed by some Ben & Jerry’s would take the edge off just fine.  

Guilt-ridden and sensing some indigestion, you get under the covers and go to sleep.  Life is too hard and you’re quite simply a failure.  The world is a pistachio-flavored mess and you’re powerless in her grip. (Ah, the intoxicating voice of victim slowly lowers down from the rafters lulling you to tears with her gut-wrenching finale…literally). 

Can I get a witness?

Whether you’re currently stuck in the trappings of a similar triangle, or are the victim of a much more serious predicament, I believe it’s necessary to understand what’s happening and learn to choose something different.  We’ve all been called to something higher and, let’s face it, victim simply isn’t much fun if we’re really honest.

I’m convinced everything in life is relational; that’s why we must explore the toxicity and damage we fall prey to when we inhabit these three roles.  They are insidiously subtle, making it almost impossible to detect when we move into and through them.  Why?  Chances are we observed others modeling that behavior around us growing up—subconsciously building them into our relational structural DNA.  Quite simply, these roles may feel familiar yet undetectable.  No, I’m not blaming it on your mother, I’m merely saying she may not have had the best teacher either and was doing the best she could at the time.    

When we understand the cold hard facts behind victim, rescuer, and persecutor, we can easily recognize the payoff involved and bust their chops, making it easy to access a way out of those childlike corners and into our mature, adult selves.  

Today, I want to focus in on victim as it can often feel the trickiest to detect and get out of. 

There is always a payoff for this destructive spiraling behavior...always. Otherwise our wise adult-governed self would remain in the driver’s seat forcing that reactive monkey brain to ride shotgun (or better yet...hit the back seat). If there wasn’t a payoff, we simply wouldn’t bother.   

It’s indulgent yet also painful to sit in victim.  After all, legitimate hurt and/or harm have landed us squarely into this role and it feels horrible—powerless.  Yet oftentimes we stay in victim far longer than necessary.  Why? Those payoffs we talked about. 

Here’s a few of them:

-Avoiding responsibility (“it’s not my fault” or “look what they did to me”)

-Getting attention

-Collecting sympathy (Poor, pitiful me…)

-Getting to be “right” (in order to justify a resentment)

-Proving myself to be “wrong” (in order to justify low self-worth)

So what now?

The minute that old victim Lazy Boy starts to feel a bit too cozy, catering to one or more of those old payoffs, I invite you to ask yourself one simple question: What is my part in this and how can I own it?  At the core of that victim mentality is a need attached to a wound, a need that I must tend to.  If I’ve had a misunderstanding with someone and feel betrayal or judged, my need is self-compassion and perhaps an honest conversation for clarification and resolve.  I must own my part in making that happen instead of having a pity-party in the fetal position on my bedroom floor like a petulant child.   Yes, it’s totally unsexy, but it’s also completely responsible.

When we own our part, we create a new, powerful way out of victimhood.  We now assume the role of creator in our experience, cashing in the small but familiar payoff we grew accustomed to receiving.  This shift in behavior is incredibly simple, yet so empowering and life-giving in relationships.  Perhaps the most invigorating part of this shift is the creative freedom found in taking responsibility for your own happiness.  You’ve stepped out of the confines of co-dependency.  You’ve put your ego in its place.  You are rocking those big girl pants. 

Welcome to the next level—you’ve officially quit playing small. 

Love and Gratitude,

Katie

A Generous Assumption

I’m a shameless fan of the meditation app, Headspace.  I know, I know, I should be well beyond guided meditation and floating cross-legged amidst the wafting nirvana of Transcendental Meditation.  Oh well, I suppose I’m quite fine in my elementary, yet devoted practice of guided meds.  

Last week I started a new pack (there are all these helpful packs you can choose from that focus on things like sleep, anxiety, change, and the like).  For some reason I was really drawn to the new meditation pack focusing on generosity.  God must have know I’d need a little extra nudge in this direction because unbeknownst to me at the time, I desperately did by about Thursday.

Each day I’d sit to meditate, Andy--the adorable British guide--dropped these punchy insights about generosity. One that stood out was the importance of practicing generosity inward to ourselves regularly before we expect ourselves to extend it outwardtoward others.  

Now, generosity is a quality and practice I highly value.  It’s right up there with authenticity, gratitude, and consistency...in no specific order.  In my research along the way, I’ve learned that the happiest, most whole-hearted people in the world practice six core things regularly: mindfulness, gratitude, vulnerability, belief in a higher power, self-care (exercise being a big part of this), and you guessed it, generosity. 

Later on in the week, I started to feel myself slowly slipping into the abyss of a judgy, resentful sludge.  You know the feeling: you’ve given someone something special, such as a meaningful compliment or thoughtful gift, and don’t get as much as a “thank you” in return.  Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Ouch! 

You start to realize this is happening quite often and that beautiful spirit of generosity you pride yourself in has come to a screeching halt. You now have a strange resemblance to Cinderella’s evil step sisters combined and on Adderall.  Not a good look.  What went wrong?  Why do people suck so much? Why do I even care? 

Does this sound familiar?

When this happens to me, I want to pull the reigns of generosity wayyyyy back and self-protect in the recess of isolation.  I go into scarcity mode.  I plop down heavy on the high and mighty throne of victimhood and swiftly wave my entitled wand of criticism.

Perhaps the most life-giving truth I’ve learned about generosity from Brené Brown’s work is that the most generous people are also  those with the strongest boundaries, meaning they are crystal clear with others about what’s okay and what’s not okay.  The only way we can practice intrinsic, unbridled generosity with others is to beef up our own boundaries.  Why?  Because the healthiest, most loving relationships are the ones with the clearest guidelines.  

I can only assume the best about people if I’m honest with myself and others about my needs.  If I don’t first extend generosity and compassion to myself, I will expect this need to be filled externally by someone who hasn’t the foggiest idea what I’m looking for.  

This messy brand of generosity never ends well...much like a shot of apple cider vinegar without the honey.  The good intentions don’t quite balance out the bitterness.  Without boundaries, making generous assumptions about others is tricky, if not impossible.  

Constantly overextending yourself emotionally, physically, or financially in the name of being nice, flexible, and fun isn’t really generosity after all.   It’s an attempt to “fit in” and be liked as opposed to authentic and true.   

The ones who don’t return your lovely, if not misguided, attempt at generosity are your most valuable teachers.  Learn from them. They are your constant crash-course in Boundaries 101.  

Show up to class, pay attention, take good notes, oh, and save me a seat next to you. 

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

The Problem with Peace

There's this glorious, if not intimidating, box that sits square at the bottom of the first page of my intake paperwork.  Every time I meet with a new client, we go over this paperwork, namely, the content of that glorious little box.  Scribbled down in that box you’ll find the holy grail of said paperwork…the hallowed treatment goals.  In other words, what do you want to accomplish in therapy?  What do you want to get out of our therapeutic work together?  It gives me a final destination from which we co-create a roadmap that will hopefully take you there.  Housed in that box lives a very powerful thing--desire.

There’s one whopping problem though.  More times than not, I read a familiar phrase that goes something like this: “I’d like to find more peace in my life.”

You’re probably thinking to yourself right about now, “Umm…and why is that a problem?”  

Fair enough. Yet, what if constant peace is not actually what we need in order to heal, grow, and thrive?  

What if we are really mistaking peace for comfort?

Expansion is by nature an uncomfortable process.  I’m thinking of growing pains here.  Take pregnancy for example.  Throughout the course of forty weeks (give or take a couple), a mother undergoes serious expansion and changes in her body to facilitate the birth of a tiny human.  

Not only this, but baked into the change process is a heap of loss.  In step with our pregnancy example, this same woman will inevitably incur losses: loss of some control, loss of a certain independence and “freedom”, loss of a waistline, loss of sleep, and loss of energy to name a few.  This type of physical expansion is certainly not comfortable, and at times, even terrifying I can imagine.  My guess is that peace is not a constant companion, yet there is no more beautiful expansion in my mind.

When we seek to find peace in the self-development sense, we must keep in mind that in order to grow and live into our highest selves, we must be open to the discomfort that accompanies expansion and change.  Peace is not always the litmus test here.  In fact, often times, quite the contrary.   

Make no mistake, feeding the narrative of your existing anxiety is not recommended.  If you are suffering from debilitating anxiety due to trauma or situational depression, the goal is always to reduce that.  However, part of our work as human beings is always to learn how to relate to negative feeling emotions better, with openness and curiosity, as opposed to avoiding them like your mother’s dry, overcooked meatloaf.  No amount of salt will make it palatable.

Perhaps the real goal here is learning to lean into the tension and be okay with it as opposed to being free from all discomfort.   As Harvard Medical School psychologist, Susan David, says in her brilliant TedTalk, the desire to be free from negative feeling emotions is really just “dead peoples goals.”  I love this because to be free of all discomfort in this life is not really living at all!  It’s actually hiding.

Are you mistaking peace for comfort?  If so, guess what?  You’re not alone.  But I’ve got really good news for you--your fear, anxiety, or guilt won’t kill you.   When these feelings come up they are  actually signaling you to growth and, you guessed it, expansion.  Your emotions speak in order to be heard and create balance where there is imbalance.  Ten years ago I would have punched myself in the face and pulled out all my hair reading this as panic was something I experienced nearly every day at least once.  

I’ll never forget my pragmatic and cool as a cucumber therapist saying, “You know Katie, your panic won’t kill you, I promise.” The brightest “aha moment” in my personal work was learning how to breathe deeply and say (out loud and with feeling) “I’m okay” in the midst of that panic.  It was believing no emotion is final and to quote St. Julian of Norwich, “All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.” As I surrendered and let those terrifying waves wash over me, feeling all of it down into my weary bones, a hauntingly beautiful reckoning was beheld.  I didn’t know it then…but now I see that that reckoning broke me in all the best places.  

Peace comes when we are willing to experience all the stuff...the good, and the bad, and the ugly.  Peace comes when we learn to stay present when it sucks.  I believe peace does in fact surpass our effort and understanding.  

Peace will catch you, embrace you, the minute you let go.

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

P.S. Didn't catch my invite to this week's event? I'm hosting a FREE Intro to Essential Oils Class with my good friend, Mary Hyatt. This Thursday from 6-7:30.

RSVP HERE: introtooilsclass.splashthat.com

Dancing With Shadows

I grew up in the crown jewel of the deep south, Mobile, AL.  We did many strange things like take ballroom dancing in fifth grade.  Yes, you heard me, fifth grade. It was hands down the most awkward thing I’d experienced until then, and I’ve always felt at home on a dance floor.

This was different though.  Kids from a couple neighboring schools would gather on a Thursday night at 5 o’clock in a big gymnasium at St. Ignatius Catholic church and learn all the old-school couples' dances like the fox trot, waltz, and others I’ve purposely erased from my memory.  The most unbearable part of it wasn’t learning the dances, it was learning the dances with the boys.  They were hyper, smelly, and had no rhythm.  They also thought they were beyond cool.  Ya’ll, it was torture.  My favorite part of the night was when I spotted my mom’s minivan headlights in the carpool line.  She’d swoop in and pick me up and then we’d proceed to Checkers for the long-awaited chocolate milkshake(s).  I had to take the edge off somehow. 

Learning to dance with our shadow, or shameful parts, can feel just as unpleasant.  Oh you’ve got them too, I promise.  They are those parts of us we’d rather not talk about.  In fact, we try desperately to hide them from the world around us.  They are the parts of you that you swear, if someone saw, they’d ultimately reject.  It might cost you their affection—their acceptance.  You'd be exposed…and deemed unloveable. 

For so long, I tried to hide and change the fact that I was a quiet observer as opposed to the popular party girl.  Large groups of girls made me uncomfortable. I absolutely hated summer camp, gossip, and sleep-overs.  I followed southern suit and joined a sorority in college, but it was really more for my mother than for me.  Eventually, I dropped out but nearly died trying to show up and fit in.  I’d much rather hang with my older friend, Liz.  We’d smoke Marlboro lights, listen to Dave Matthews, and talk about evolved things like boys, music, and what we dreamed of doing when we “grew up.”

More recently in my late thirties, I’ve felt shame around not taking the traditional route as a stay-at-home mom.  Instead, I’ve chosen, albeit indirectly, to focus on my career, (or that’s what I tell myself and others). At 39, I may or may not ever be a mother of children. Even though the ballot’s still out, this feels a bit shameful to me.  Regardless, I build up the more admirable, palatable case that, “I’ve chosen to build out other areas of my life.” It feels cleaner—safer.  At the core, however, this is really my shadow part and her name is inadequacy.  I’ve never really cared for her.

What are the shadow parts you’d rather forget about?  Is it depression, body shame, singleness, or even sexual trauma as a child?  If so, I can fully resonate with you.  Guess what?  Just like the smelly boys at ballroom, we’ve got to learn to lean in, let go, and learn to dance with them.  

One of my favorite concepts in self-development is integration.  This feels incredibly expansive and powerful to me.  The less compartmentalized, or fragmented we are, the more integrated and whole we will become.  Just as we are made up of hundreds of different body parts, muscles, and organs, we also have so many different parts of our emotional, relational, and creative beings.  

Oftentimes in therapy sessions with clients, these parts come up.  Take anxiety for example.  Anxiety is an emotion, or part of us that can be immobilizing.  The common misconception is in order to deal with anxiety, we must numb, fix, or run from it.  But anxiety is really just a shadow part of us that needs compassion and understanding just like, say, the creative part of us.  When we stuff our anxiety and try to avoid it, we really just give it more power and as a result, create imbalance.

What might dancing with this anxious shadow look like?  Well, first we must listen to and get to know it.  This allows us to cultivate empathy for that anxious part of us.  After all, she has been working overtime for a while now to keep us performing, staying safe and “on the ball.”  

Shadow work is really a reckoning with parts of ourselves we’ve misjudged for a long time.  The payoff is wholeness—flow.  It’s realizing those parts we’ve been hiding for so long aren’t so terrible after all.  In fact, they end up being the best parts because they are the most loving, consistent teachers.  

That anxious part of you desperately wants you to see her for who she really is: someone who deeply cares about your future yet may go about it clumsily.  She wants you to sit with her, commune with her, and realize the worst thing that can happen isn’t so bad in the end because you have other resilient parts of you that can step in and take over when she needs to sit the next song out.  

Second, simply take a minute and visualize the part of you that you dislike, a lot.  Perhaps you feel guilty about this part or constantly judge her.  What does she look like?  What is she doing?  How does she seem? In the same minute, take one step towards her… then another, and another.  You left her alone a long time ago and she feels abandoned, even scared.  She knows you dislike her but she desperately longs to know you and play on the same team.  She needs you big time.  

If this feels completely terrifying, it should.  Your brain is freaking out because it has no idea what it’s doing.  Hang in there though, this is perhaps the most life-giving work you’ve ever done.  Dancing with strangers or smelly boys is probably not on your bucket list. But I bet I know what is…

To be loved…fully.

Love & Gratitude,

Katie