The Stories We Tell Ourselves

The stories we tell ourselves keep us safe because they help us make sense of the world.  Here’s the catch though, these stories don’t have to be necessarily true—they just have to be complete in order to do so.    

I love love love this brilliant explanation by neurologist and novelist, Robert Burton:

“Because we are compelled to make up stories, we are often compelled to take incomplete stories and run with them.  Even if it’s a half story in our minds, we earn a dopamine ‘reward’ every time it helps us understand something in our world—even if that explanation is incomplete or wrong.” 

Mic drop. 

For decades, I told myself a story that I was somehow wildly deficient.  Everyone else made it out of labor and delivery just fine.  Not me.  I was flawed and had to work overtime to measure up—to show up.  

What facts supported this story?  What was the payoff for believing it?  These are two questions I didn’t start asking myself until my late 20’s.  And man were they gnarly narratives to reconcile.

I won’t get into the gory details here, but basically I’d adopted this self-defeating narrative early on in childhood in order to make sense of a wound and my childish belief about that wound.  The binary conclusion I came to about that wound paid off in dividends because it helped me overcompensate and defy it’s possible effects moving forward.  How?  By armoring up with perfectionism and the insatiable desire to prove the world wrong:  I am indeed enough and will work realllllly hard to show you!

This worked well until it nearly killed me.  

You and I are very much alike in that we both live out of stories—some of them life-giving,  some of them need serious editing.  

I’ll never forget the first time I sat in my therapists office and said these words out loud, albeit  wobbly and with a tentative tone, “I’m… okay?”

Now that’s a narrative that changed everything.  If I was in fact, “okay,” I could drop the act and quit hustling for worthiness.  As a recovering perfectionist, this would be a long, humbling process—and a risk.  

Oh but the risk far outweighed the expired reward of that old, broken story.  It’s proved much more fun as well.

I’m leaving you with a writing prompt to push around this week.  It may help you identify a few broken records you’ve been unconsciously wearing out for too long.  

If I could write the next chapter of my story and play the hero instead of the victim, it would go something like_________________________________.

Spend 10 minutes to an hour with that one.  Tell me how it goes…

Drumroll please...introducing walking meditations

I hear it often, “meditation isn’t really for me.  I can’t seem to sit still that long.” 

I get it.  It’s hard to pin me down in the same place for more than ten minutes (especially with a toddler.) 

And while I do feel there is such value in truly taking time to sit in stillness with ourselves and our experience, I believe there are many ways to get the benefits from meditation.  

That’s why I’m so thrilled to share the newest member of the Practice with you today: walking meditations—the beautiful marriage of movement and mindfulness.   

Here’s the backstory:

I created The Practice, an enneagram-based self-care toolkit, for monthly members to take advantage of and learn how to put the Enneagram to work in their lives and practice specialized self-care in the process.  After all, the Enneagram is a holistic tool, mind-body-spirit.  

It’s been an absolute blast creating content from week to week and the community that’s developed over the course of over a year has been truly invaluable.  However, I felt there was something missing.  

I’m convinced physical movement is clutch in our personal growth and healing.  If there was one form of self-care I simply couldn’t live without it is daily mindful movement…or is it meditation? Oof! 

So I began to ask myself, “how can I provide a way for members to be more efficient in their self-care, killing two birds with one stone: meditation and movement?” 

You guessed it, walking meditations, my guided meditations over vibe-y, inspirational music written and produced by some of my favorite musicians and writers in Nashville.  We started building out these tracks last year and finally, after great anticipation and collaboration, are ready to share them with you.  

We will be releasing new walking meditations each month on the Practice for you to take with you to your favorite hiking and walking trails in order to move with greater intention and presence, creating more space to process emotions and connect to nature.  I think you’re going to love them.  I sure do.  

Join the Practice today and get first dibs on my new walking meditations coming in hot mid-June.    

How to Live Beyond Your Type

I believe the big reason people sour so quickly from the Enneagram is that it’s so misused by the rest of us.  We become Bible-thumping zealots—throwing numbers and jargon around—insensitive to the fact that those around us are not interested or open to being objectified…and reduced.   I mean, I get it.  I was “that girl” who was an Enneagram evangelist there in the first couple of years: typing people left and right, preaching about growth and disintegration, and passing the plate of approval so everyone would “buy in.”

And I meant well—truly.  It’s been life-changing for me in my process, lending a clean lens to the distorted picture of my life I’d been living out of for so long.  Yet it took me years to metabolize the fact that lasting Enneagram transformation speaks for itself.  I didn’t have to.  The proof is, as they say, in the pudding.  

What I didn’t understand then that I do now is this: the Enneagram is not about becoming more like your type.  The Enneagram is about living beyond type and into the true you.  It’s about identifying your dominant type in order to fully understand it: strengths, weaknesses, motivations, values, and behaviors.  But it’s not some Venus fly-trap, swallowing you up, lickety split, right when you get up close.  It’s about identifying the limiting parts of your personality in order to release and re-write the parts that don’t fit any more.  

I’ll never forget my month-long Narrative Enneagram teacher training back in Menlo Park, CA.  I was expecting the room to be filled with ego and a lot of it.  Instead, I remember walking in the first day and much to my surprise, feeling pretty stumped.  I couldn’t really figure out anyone’s type (I couldn’t resist trying!).  This group had done some deep inner work, and lot’s of it.  They were living beyond their type, beyond the rough and ready edges of personality, into their authentic selves.

When we work with the Enneagram and live in that space, the edges do soften.  Relationships run smoother, life’s inevitable stressors become more manageable, and the present moment—more vibrant. 

Being reduced to a number is pretty lame.  Understanding the truth about how you operate in the world and the story you’ve been living out of is life-changing.  Why?  Because that means you get to decide if it still serves you.  If it doesn’t, guess what?  

Yep…you can change it.  

When you’re stuck in your type, you’re also stuck in the familiar past—so predictable.

You are so much more than a number, my friend.  You are the writer, creator, director, and leading lady of your story, all in one!  

The Narrative Enneagram and You

Several years ago, a friend and mentor encouraged me to do some formal Enneagram training through The Narrative Enneagram school.  I’d of course heard of the legendary Helen Palmer, co-founder and elite Enneagram teacher and author, for years.  As a well-respected Enneagram author and teacher himself, my friend had gone through some of their trainings and highly recommended the Narrative approach.  I take the advice of my mentors very seriously and came home that afternoon, checked it out online, and promptly registered for all (six) modules, back-to-back that summer in Menlo Park, CA.  

It was one of the best professional and personal decisions I have ever made.  

Here’s why.  

The Narrative tradition is built around storytelling.  After all, the Enneagram was passed down through the generations by just that: people’s stories.  One of my favorite things about therapy is championing the client as the expert–they’ve lived their story their whole life, why would I know better than they about what is true for them? The Narrative tradition bakes this approach into their teaching as well.  Long gone are the days of the Guru. 

So for the next four weeks or so, myself and about 40 other thoughtful seekers would learn the intricate interweaving of this wonderful tool through experiential teaching, panel inquiry, and group work.  It was truly transformational.  

As the Enneagram is self-verifiable, it’s important to go beyond online Enneagram tests and explore the deeper parts of ourselves in order to live into the awareness of our type.  I got to know myself in a more expansive, compassionate way throughout those integral weeks.  

Also, I really got to understand and have more compassion for my cohorts of all different types.  I saw so much of their stories show up in mine.  And this is central to the narrative teachings: understanding all nine types unlocks a more vibrant experience because it’s all about being open to receive the gifts we all bring to the table.  The Enneagram is as much a relational tool as it is a personal-development one.   

I took the sacred stories of my new friends back home with me, as did I an appreciation for others of their type.  Beautiful, life-long friendships developed as a result as we experienced the transformational power of the Enneagram together.  

No matter where you are on your Enneagram journey, the Narrative Enneagram is an incredible resource.  Whether you use their website, https://narrativeenneagram.org, as a credible learning hub or join one of their virtual or in-person workshops, your life will be enriched.  

So a couple morals of this story: find good mentors who point you toward truth and invest in your own Enneagram self-study.  Both pay off in dividends. 

3 Reasons You Need a Mindset Shift

I’m constantly amazed by just how much power we possess in our everyday lives.  Once we learn how to get out of our own way, things seem so much clearer—simpler.  And yet I hear the same old droning record play out week after week, (and often in my own experience,) “I feel stuck and don’t know how to move forward.”  

When I hear someone, or notice my own inner dialog buying into this belief, I have an idea what might be the through line: mindset.  Our limiting mindsets are based on our current beliefs about ourselves and the world around us.  A belief is simply a practiced thought supported by a felt experience.  We’ve become expert storytellers in a sense, concocting narratives over time that basically define our reality. Where do these start? In our minds.  

Here are three reasons you might need a mindset shift:

1) You haven’t been able to make the tangible changes you’d like to in your life

2) You lack vision 

3) You are stuck in toxic relationships

Interestingly enough, we find ourselves trying too hard in order to shift our circumstances or achieve a desired outcome.  So hard, in fact, that we eventually burn out, raise the white flag, and retreat to squishy old behaviors that feel familiar and easy.  

So what gives?  Well, if it all starts with our mind, I’d say that’s a fair place to pick back up.  We simply can’t live in integrity with ourselves if we’re believing one thing and acting out a different thing.  This tension creates a vicious cycle that, you guessed it, keeps us stuck.  

Let’s do it differently then.  Give those laborious behavioral changes a rest.  It’s time to build a firm foundation in our minds.  Ask yourself this: “What kind of person makes the progress I’m  trying to make?”  Write down a list of specific different characteristics.  

For example, if I’m trying to get to the gym three days a week, I might put: committed, motivated, active, confident, intentional.  

Okay great, now what?  

Now it’s time to shift your mindset to align with a committed, motivated, active, confident, and intentional person.  Even if you don’t feel these things, creating a mental space that will  cultivate them can shift everything.  “I’m learning to practice more intentionality in my workout routine.” Ease into it.  These tiny mindset changes over time yield massive changes.