Codependent Much?

At the heart of co-dependency, or any addictive behavior, is the need to control. In fact, co-dependency and control go together like peanut butter and jelly, manis and pedis, or sunscreen and the beach.

Yet at first glance, detachment sounds negative—uncaring. After all, we talk in circles here on the blog about how vital connection and community are. Isn’t detachment a slap in the face to such wholehearted pursuits?

Well, no. Quite the contrary. Detachment is actually incredibly loving, especially if you’re a recovering co-dependent like me. I think of loving detachment in relationships as an integral way to set healthy boundaries and remain open to something greater than myself and my control. To keep things simple, I’ve got three tips for you that may help you deepen your meaningful relationships and let go of the ones that feel chaotic—toxic even.

1) Fools Rush In
We’re all guilty of making hasty decisions, especially in relationships. However, one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned as of late is to let my yes be a ‘hell yes.’ In other words, we don’t have to have an immediate answer to another’s question or need right away. Novel idea, right? Have you ever found yourself habitually agreeing to take on responsibilities for another out of the goodness of your heart, yet became resentful towards them because you actually didn’t want to do it deep down inside? Even though we want to blame them for the extra load, that’s on us!

A good reminder here: give yourself plenty of time to respond to someone’s ask. There’s no rule requiring us to respond right away. "Let me think about it," or "I’ll get back to you on that" are perfectly good options.

2) Bring me a Higher Love
I love flying, and not just because I love travel. I actually love the luxurious perspective we gain by getting 30,000 feet up. Above the traffic, speed limits, and sleepy stretches of driving, we gain generous insight only distance can lend. You know where you came from and where you’re going. There’s a skilled pilot in the cockpit doing all the heavy lifting, navigating, and planning. He’s even going to land that plane. You’re the traveller, He’s the guide.

One of the flimsy narratives we buy into when operating in co-dependent behavior in relationships is, "If I don’t intervene, or fix the situation, it will crash and burn. I might be abandoned, rejected, or both." In doing so, we play God. Detaching in love not only allows our Higher Power to be in control, it creates an opportunity for you and I to practice receptivity as opposed to manipulation. Essentially, we are only able to truly receive with open hands—not clinched fists.

3) Fix You
Compassion doesn’t mean fixing. In fact, fixing others is fear-based and ineffective. It doesn’t stick. Instead, loving detachment allows us to see the truth of the situation and live in reality knowing each of us is responsible to and for ourselves. Sure, we can ask for help with that which becomes too heavy, yet trying to fix another person or their problems is essentially taking away their opportunity for personal empowerment and growth. Some say people don’t change. I heartily disagree. I believe people do change, however, not without burning desire. If I’m trying to fix you, how does your desire ever take flight? It’s weighted down by my agenda. Detachment, letting go of the controlling death grip on others, gives our relationships a chance to bleed desire and grow in the petrie dish of honesty and reality.

What do you need in order to practice more loving detachment in relationships? Pray tell…

The Enneagram for Creatives

Here’s the deal.  You are creative.  (I saw that eye roll.) 

However, you may not be living out of that part of you today, but I can promise you, it’s there.  If you vehemently disagree, there’s a reason for that.  I feel our culture has done a poor job promoting true creativity the last several generations, siphoning just a few categories of the juice into classic, artistic silos that stunt the rest of us from approaching the daunting, idealized task.  

You know, you’re either a sculptor, a painter, a writer, a musician, a dancer, a designer, you get the point.  I believe this notion is hogwash and brings a dualistic hard line between creative/analytical, right brain/left brain, free spirit/rule follower.  

FOR SURE there are many faces of creativity.  I believe there’s nine to be exact.  But if you look back to our ancestors throughout history, you will see a curious through line.  They were earnest makers on some level. I love what Elizabeth Gilbert says about this in her must-read, Big Magic, “You and I and everyone you know are descended from tens of thousands of years of makers. Decorators, tinkerers, storytellers, dancers, explorers, fiddlers, drummers, builders, growers, problem-solvers, and embellishers—these are our common ancestors.” 

The problem remains, we live out of stunted stories that disown our creative birthright, thereby rendering us (often forever) dissociated from this vital expression of our unique brand of creativity.  After all, I believe creativity is more about innovation and problem solving than writing a novel or painting a masterpiece.   What gets in the way is the limited stories and patterns of our Enneagram type.  

Well, this matters so much to me, I’m offering a free webinar in a little under two weeks that can help you connect to your authentic creative expression.  We will unpack the truth about the creative process as well as a basic understanding of each of the nine Enneagram types.  We will also zero in on how each type gets stuck…and unstuck!  It will be an interactive time, complete with experiential exercises and sweet giveaways.  

I’d love for you to join me!  You can register here.  And don’t worry if you can’t make it!  We will have the recording available after the webinar.  I do hope to see you there and explore all the ways that you can tap into a more fulfilling, authentic experience. 

The Power of Three (and 20 minutes a day)

We’ve already blown right through the first quarter of 2022! Yowza. 

How are you? 

It’s such a simple question and yet one we must often pause to ponder…and answer.

For me, this pocket of time typically has one of two outcomes: I’ve lost sight of the hot flame that burned bright at the dawn of the new year, meaning, I’ve blown my resolutions altogether.   Or, I have filled my time up with loads of distractions—busyness—that masquerade as purpose and real progress.  

If you resonate, I’ve got good news:  there is another way.  

We need a plan. But not just any plan. One that connects us to the truest, most authentic parts of us.  One that is built on love and self-compassion, not fear and scarcity.  

It’s not just a to-do list and it’s not about striving.  It’s a practice that supports true self-acceptance and teaches us how to be with ourselves in order to show up for ourselves.  

It’s three-fold.

Here are the three pillars of what I believe are your fool-proof self-care regimen and will help you get unstuck and stay grounded in 2022:

What about self-compassion? I’ve learned first hand we simply can’t thrive if we’re constantly working against ourselves.  Shame-based striving won’t cut it because we’ll constantly be hustling for our worthiness as opposed to growing from a place of self-acceptance and love.  We need true self-compassion which teaches us to treat ourselves like we would a dear friend or family member in need. It’s only from this place of unconditional, loving kindness that we can effect transformational change.

Meditation?  Mindfulness exercises such as meditation are scientifically proven to reduce stress and anxiety, improve sleep and overall functioning and bring awareness to what’s happening moment-to-moment so we can choose to consciously respond to life’s circumstances rather than react out of automatic, self-defeating patterns.

Why Writing? Writing practices such as journaling are scientifically proven to reduce stress, increase confidence, metabolize difficult experiences and emotions, improve overall health, and boost mood to name just a few.  However, that’s just the tip of the iceberg.  Writing gives us the  space and intention to dream and discover ourselves.  By carving out just 10 minutes a day to put our thoughts down on paper, we practice finding and using our voice.  In doing so, we unlock greater clarity and purpose.  

If this all sounds overwhelming, rest assured, it’s not!  I’ve developed a plan just for you.   It’s called the Practice and offers a self-care design that combines all three.  Best of all, it only takes 20 minutes a day.  I’d love to support you as you discover and realize your most authentic, empowered self.  Visit katiegustafson.co/thepractice for more info or to sign up.    

How to Become the Artist of your Days

When was the last time you thought of yourself as “the artist of your days,” as John O’Donohue handily puts it?  

Me? Not very often.  

In fact, I feel most days, the ballot’s still out depending on the quality of sleep I got the night before, strength of my morning coffee, and rigor of my to-do list.  

Wait a minute, though. That feels victim-y and weak??  Hmm, perhaps.  Yet no matter how much A-Game we tackle our days with, we can all fall into that trap along the way. 

Why?  Because we live out of stories.  Hundreds of thousands of stories we make up about ourselves and our lives every single day.  

Part of our work in self-development and therapy (especially when using the Enneagram) is to wake up to the stories we’ve been living out of, albeit unconsciously, for a very long time.  Often these stories are limiting, keeping us cramped and fixated in ways that hold us back from our fullest potential.  

It took landing myself at Vanderbilt Psychiatric Hospital for a week after a scary encounter with debilitating depression and resulting amnesia to wake up to the fact that my story was indeed not working for me anymore.  That rock bottom crash shook me to that core.  Finally, I knew I needed to begin to write a new story…something kind and compassionate—something true.

And I did.  

The Enneagram has been a big part of this shift.  I believe it can be for you as well.  

Here’s even better news: you don’t have to check in to your nearest psych hospital to experience this wake up call and resulting transformation.  I believe it awaits you now, as you read these words and go about your day.  

Here’s the deal though: waking up can be stressful.  It’s far easier to coast through life unaware.  (Well, until it’s not.)  

We all need support on this path of transformation.  We need light and encouragement to help us get from where we’ve been to where we long to go.  I believe we’re all on a similar journey in that we want to go home—home to the truth of who we are—home to all God has for us.  

If you feel stuck in the story you’ve been living, you’re not alone.  You don’t have to figure it all out from here, either.  I’d love for you to join me in the coming months as we take a long, soft look at the story we’ve been living out of.  I think we could all use some editing.  After all, I’m convinced you are the Hero of your story, not the victim.  As for me, I’d love to serve you as a guide.  

To help you get started, join me and John Chisum, fellow creative and coach, for our (FREE) live webinar called Unlock Your Creativity with the Enneagram on May 7th from 12:00 pm - 2:00 pm CST.  It will be an amazing time to learn more about the creative process, what’s holding your unique enneagram type back, and how to practically apply the enneagram for optimum creativity. 

It’s time to write the next chapter.  But first, you must decide…are you ready to become the “artist of your days?”

The Problem with Goals

Today’s thoughts are a bit more like a brain dump than a blog post.  (How’s that for a disclaimer?)  But I do think you may resonate, so stay with me.  

 I’ve been thinking a lot about goals lately.  Maybe it’s my over-active three wing (the achiever) or maybe it’s something of a spring cleaning as daylight savings is right around the cold corner.  Either way, I’ve carved out some big goals for myself.  

 How do you approach goals?  Do they feel supportive? Restrictive? Unrealistic? All or nothing?  

 Me? All of the above.  

 Typically, I’ll hunker down with my laptop and an oat milk latte and energetically list out what I want to accomplish in the week, months, and year ahead.  I love the energy involved in this process—sky’s the limit and I like to fly high.  And then, I peruse the final holy grail, and I….leave it there?  

 Yep, I save it in a folder and let it collect virtual dust on the shelf, taking with me only a few of the highlights rolling around in my head and no clear plan of action.    

I know what you’re thinking.  “But they have planners for this!” Wah, wah.  I know I HAVE THEM.   

Here’s the deal.  I believe goals aren’t the answer for a few different reasons. 

1. They create a destination where you will find satisfaction only when said destination is reached.  I like to call this contingency living.  I’ll be happy when (I lose 10 pounds or get the book deal or run the marathon.)

2. They often set us up for failure because they’re too big and lack a plan.

3. They take us out of the present moment, eyes fixed on the prize ahead.  We end up missing out on our lives always living for the payoff. 

4. They don’t address the identity shift that must happen to effect longterm change. 

 So, what if we learn to fall in love with the process instead of the goal.  What if we create a doable, enjoyable, and realistic plan that focuses on tiny changes—shifts—along the way? In doing so, we not only create momentum, we start to see ourselves in a different, more empowered light.  We step into a new identity, a new story, that aligns with the type of person who achieves your desired outcome.  

 Are you ready to be the hero of your own story?  Join me in the Practice, an online community committed to self-care and development by creating everyday rhythms and practices that help you thrive.

 I’d love to support you.