Let's Finish Strong

Last week, a dear friend said something so profound in conversation. I’ve been marinating in it since. She said, “I’m struggling to find my now. I’m either stuck in the past or out somewhere in the future. I desperately want to find my now.”

Can you relate to this? I sure can—especially in this eleventh hour of 2019. It’s tempting to camp out in what “could have been”: more productivity, success, health, passion, what have you. This temptation is then compounded by the seductive tendency to run tactics on a fresh new start right around the proverbial bend.

You know the drill. The diet and exercise folks join forces and broker a zillion dollar deal every fourth quarter counting on you and I to wake up January 1 after sipping on the stiff and steady cocktail of two parts bloated, one part foggy, and a heavy shake of shame. We buy in to the ultimate extreme makeover our resolution(s) of choice promises only to throw in the towel a week later hangry, and with the selfless support of your dearest pint: Ben & Jerry, or Stella Artois.

It’s so predictable, right?

I believe it’s high-time we outgrow this brand of insanity. Thankfully, there is another way. Conscious living invites us into self-awareness. If we accept this invitation, we immediately enter a room full of freedom—and responsibility.

Viktor Frankl, Austrian psychiatrist, Logotherapy creator, and Holocaust survivor, said it best, “Between the stimulus and the response, there is a space. In that space, there lies your freedom and power.”

These Holiday months present us with a vital passageway—a sacred space. Incidentally, it’s one of the tightest spaces in which to remain present and self-aware. If we consciously choose presence (that powerful space of the here and now), as opposed to the sugar-laced trance of consumerism, I believe we will finish strong.

“Buzz-kill much?” you ask.

Fair enough. However, I wholeheartedly believe our most powerful, abundant lives are built with consistency, brick by brick, and experienced moment to moment. Why? Because if I am present in each moment, I hold the keys to reality and connection. By this I mean, I live in wakeful presence and respond truthfully to my desires, needs, and those of others. I also forgo the trap of extreme, reactionary living.

Speaking of the needs of others, the Holiday season is often one of deep pain and loneliness in the hearts of many. I’ve known this pain well. Yet at the same time, there is this massive expectation to shine up the shell of appearance and ignore the voice of pain that hums a haunting cry for help.

When you and I narc-out in an unconscious trance, we are unavailable to those needs all around us. Likewise, we silence our own. Needs such as connection, compassion, and rest get overrun by the loud liturgy of commerce and consumption.

These next several weeks, give yourself and others this gift of presence. Enjoy the heck out of them, consciously choosing to come back to the moment, no matter how often the drone of chaos calls. Each time you make this choice, you step into your freedom...your power. Don’t bother eliminating the noise. That’s an isolating crap-shoot. Simply cultivate an inner peace amidst the noise as you loosen the grip of control and soften the lens of extremes.

Finishing strong looks more like staying soft than hustling hard.

Stay tuned next week on the blog for some practical tools to support you in this generous pursuit.

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

P.S. If you haven't signed up for my monthly EnneaGroup, it's not too late. To sign up for next week's in-person group or for the remote option starting later this month, click here.

Why Meditation Matters...and you should be doing it

Meditation is a game-changer.  There are volumes of scientific research boasting all the reasons.  I’m sure they are quite thorough and convincing, too. 

However, today, I want to share from my heart and experience how meditation has and continues to change my life for the better.

This post is for all you fellow perfectionists, control freaks, planners, cardio-lovers, results-oriented, make-it-happen folks who feel 20 minutes of meditation sounds like a large helping of time-suck. 

Oh, I know you…

About five years ago, I began noticing an overarching intense physical discomfort out of nowhere (or so I thought.) My throat and jaw locked up.  My mid-back twisted in a knot.  It became difficult to sing and speak, even in sessions with clients.  Sleep became a distant wish. 

As a health-conscious, avid exerciser who’d done her fair share of work in therapy throughout the years, I felt discouraged—and powerless. 

After seeking out every alternative healing modality I could find, I noticed a subtle common theme emerge from acupuncturist, chiropractor, voice coach, energy healer, and therapist alike.  Quite simply, their sage voices all harmonized in a singular chord.  It was in the key of: RELAX.

I wasn’t depressed or anything.  In fact, I was quite content.  Yet I’d been running so hard on a treadmill of survival mode that had become my norm.  My body, brain, and emotions formed a strike, actively rebelling against the grueling pace I’d had them on for decades. 

Meditation has been my vehicle into this new world of rest, yet interestingly enough, it has also opened up my life in a new way, allowing for increased willingness and opportunities.  Funny how that works. 

Here are the three big reasons I think we should all be meditating:

1)     We build more self-awareness and self-acceptance.   Self-awareness is the biggest indicator of success in life, relationships, and work.  However, we’re so busy (and often stressed) we don’t carve out the time to practice the stillness required to grow that necessary muscle of self-awareness.   In my experience, I’d over-developed the muscle of self-criticism and judgment instead.  Practicing meditation or other mindfulness exercises allows space to unlearn that harsh inner critic and grow the safe, neutral observer needed to bake in healthy self-awareness, compassion, and positive sustained change.

2)    We release tension and toxins in our bodies that create long-term negative health effects. It was a lightbulb moment the day I made the connection between disease in our minds and bodies with literal “dis-ease” and tension we hold tightly within.  This stress, or contraction, will eventually exacerbate, causing much bigger health concerns down the road unless we learn how to release it.  Practicing meditation trains our bodies and minds to slow down and release that arthritic grip we unconsciously develop over time.  Added bonuses include better sleep, mood, energy, and creativity that crop up as a result. 

3)    We begin to connect to our essence, or true self, as we become aware of unconscious habits.  As we move from the false self (ego) to the true self (essence), we experience deep spiritual transformation.  It’s letting go of fear in order to embrace openness to something greater than ourselves.  We simply can’t do that if we are living out of our blind spots on autopilot.  Over time, as we commit to a meditation practice, a natural byproduct becomes this relaxation of old programming and an exploration of the love and curiosity that’s been there from day one.  We were born loving, open beings.  We learned fear to help us survive.  Yet, lasting positive change is rarely built on fear.  We must create the precious space in our days to excavate that little person inside that desperately longs to be seen and known.  She’s honest and wise beyond her years, too.  Some people swear practicing meditation over time slows down aging.  I can’t speak to that; however, I do believe connecting to the most loving and true parts of us inevitably lends a softer lens to whatever we may be facing in life.  In this sense, we do recover that childlike part of us that sees more beauty in everything. 

 This fall, I can’t wait to embark on an 8-week meditation journey with you!  Stay tuned for more on that and a deeper dive into the life-giving world of mindfulness. 

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

Your Story: How’s it working for you?

When was the last time you thought of yourself as “the artist of your days” as John O’Donohue handily puts it? 

Me? Not very often. 

In fact, I feel most days, the ballot’s still out depending on the quality of sleep I got the night before, strength of my morning coffee, and rigor of my to-do list. 

Wait a minute, though.  That feels victim-y and weak??  Hmm, perhaps.  Yet no matter how much A-Game we tackle our days with, we can all fall into that trap along the way.

Why?  Because we live out of stories.  Hundreds of thousands of stories we make up about ourselves and our lives every single day. 

Part of our work in self-development and therapy (especially when using the Enneagram) is to wake up to the stories we’ve been living out of, albeit unconsciously, for a very long time.  Often these stories are limiting, keeping us cramped and fixated in ways that hold us back from our fullest potential. 

It took landing myself at Vanderbilt Psychiatric Hospital for a week after a scary encounter with debilitating depression and resulting amnesia to wake up to the fact that my story was indeed, not working for me anymore.  That rock bottom crash shook me to that core.  Finally, I knew I needed to begin to write a new story…something kind and compassionate—something true.

And I did. 

The Enneagram has been a big part of this shift.  I believe it can be for you as well. 

Here’s even better news: you don’t have to check in to your nearest psychiatric hospital to experience this wake up call and resulting transformation.  I believe it awaits you now, as you read these words and go about your day. 

Here’s the deal though: waking up can be stressful.  It’s far easier to coast through life unaware.  (Well, until it’s not.) 

We all need support on this path of transformation.  We need light and encouragement to help us get from where we’ve been to where we long to go.  I believe we’re all on a similar journey in that we want to go home—home to the truth of who we are—home to all God has for us.   

If you feel stuck in the story you’ve been living, you’re not alone.  You don’t have to figure it all out from here, either.  I’d love for you to join my Enneagroup, an intimate, therapeutic monthly group where likeminded travelers unpack their stories and desires in order to discover their true north in the safety of community using the Enneagram as a roadmap. 

For more details or to sign up, click here.  I can’t wait to hear your story…and grow in our unique artistry—together!

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

The Darkest Hour...let's talk about suicide

Back in June, the world lost a dear soul to suicide.  My community of friends and I lost a precious friend.  I’m still reeling in the wake of his departure.  All who know him are.  He lit up every room he entered with sheer joy and delight.  He made you feel like you were the only person on the planet in conversation.   He made me, and all who had the pleasure of knowing him, want to be a better person.  He was one of those people who, through and through, was good and true.  

Every year in honor of suicide awareness week, I make a point to send out a conversation starter of sorts here on the blog to help break the silence of one of the most complex epidemics of our time.  As someone who’s walked through long, dark corridors of chronic depression, I feel a responsibility to talk about it.  After all, it’s a big reason I do what I do. 

I hate these unfair reminders along the way, yet come back to what I know:  we must be wakeful and proactive in our daily experience to those around us who are deeply hurting, if unsuspecting. 

I’ve been pushed to the edge of this life in the throes of crippling depression and self-loathing—every inkling of hope photoshopped out.   I didn’t have the rational mind to reach out during those times.

Thankfully, I had enough people around me who did and could carry my misguided heart into truth and light.

Left to my own devices though, I’m not entirely sure I’d be here today.

I’m certain you or someone you know has had a similar story.

In my rational adult mind, I’ve learned to practice (and love) asking for help.  Hell, they’d know it all the way in Dubai in less than a minute if I stumped my big toe.

However, the fact is, depression (and mental illness at large) can be a fatal disease.  This logical ability to reach out and “ask for help” simply isn’t baked in. 

I’ve heard suicide described as a “selfish act.” I struggle with this sentencing because if it is in fact, a symptom of a crippling disease, I find it difficult to judge someone in this way who suffers from an impairment that gives them no other way out. 

In my experience, I use this brand of diagnosis or judgment when I need certainty or  understanding around something that really scares me. 

In tennis, there are these things called unforced errors.  They are missed points due to avoidable mistakes.  I grew up binging on televised tennis tournaments with my big sister Kristen, who was a tennis champ herself.  We bickered over clothes and material things a lot, but you better believe, when Wimbledon came around every year, we were strangely harmonious.

Andre Agassi (the crush of our lives as we knew it then) would barely miss a shot, double fault a serve, or get flustered by Pete Sampras’ clever drop-shot—fair enough.  However, an unforced error was simply tragic, eliciting a loud, synchronized gasp from the entire poshly- dressed audience. 

I think of suicide as the ultimate unforced error, the ultimate loss.  Unlike the game of tennis, you can’t come back and redeem yourself in the next tournament.  There’s no do-over.

It’s a permanent solution to a temporary feeling.  

And we know that no feeling is final.  You and I get the math here, yet for those who commit suicide, math doesn’t matter.  In their minds, there is no other choice.  

I wish I could land this plane with a redemptive thought, a happy ending, or some silver lining.   I got nothing. 

Yet here’s what I do have—a voice and a story. So do you. From my work on both sides of the couch in therapy, I’m convinced we must use both regularly and with intention. Shame begs us to stay quiet in our pain.

​​And believe me, you don’t have to have a history of major depression or mental illness to flirt with suicide. There are exceptions to every rule.

​Take my friend for example. He was actively seeking support both in therapy and from his vast community of friends and loved ones. He was doing his work.

In light of these exceptions, we know that this epidemic requires more open dialog about what's going on with those who care because the less loneliness and despair we feel in our pain, the less likely we will act out of our broken narratives. ​​

Do me a favor: write down your story as it reads today.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  Don’t stop there.  Courageously share it with a trusted friend or therapist.  Also, let’s be awake in your daily experience to others’ pain or inconsistencies.  We must ask thoughtful questions in order to fully understand. 

Knowing your story and those of loved ones connects us.  The strange yet binding connective tissue of those stories?—our pain and human frailty. 

I believe we have the privilege and responsibility to edit and change our stories.  If this feels impossible, I’ll stand in the gap for you.  I’ve been in that terrifying prison. And I’m so grateful I get to do what other’s have done for me. Together, let’s write something new. 

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

 P.S. Looking for a safe place to share your story and build community?  Click here for an opportunity to do just that.