The Enneagram and Self-Compassion

It’s storytime. 

I’ll never forget going to my little brother, Gates’, junior high basketball game.  He must have been in sixth grade or so.  He was a damn good player.  Gates and I have an extra special bond as he is 15 years younger than me and was born on my birthday.  I’ve always felt a deep connection to him and this parent-like pride in everything he does.   

It was a heated game.  As point guard, Gates dribbled the ball in from center court.  The clock was running down to the bone.  The teams were tied.  This was a make or break moment and everyone knew it.  I could feel the weight of all those parents’ hopes and dreams hanging on the chiseled little shoulders of my brother.  

He had to take the shot.  With two seconds left, he launched a three-pointer into the air with perfect form and a prayer.  The buzzer scowled back.  He missed the shot.  

His whole body sunk low to the court as all the oxygen on our side of the gym was snuffed out.  My heart ripped open and I wanted to rush down there and give him the most embarrassing big sister hug of his life.  In that moment, I was more proud of him than ever.  I wanted him to know that.  I wanted to take away all of his pain.  

I didn’t know it then, but looking back, this was compassion operating in its purest form.  

I know you have stories to illustrate a similar brand of compassion you’ve felt for loved ones in your life.  Yet tell me this: when was the last time you actively participated in it towards yourself? 

I honestly can’t think of one time in my experience that I’ve had an organic, visceral example of self-compassion like I did that day for Gates.  I am slowly learning to grow that though.  

Guess what? If you’re like me and lack this seamless sense of loving kindness towards yourself, it’s okay.  Chances are, you, like me, missed that day in Self-Compassion 101.  

Compassion takes empathy one step further and is something we get to cultivate in relationship.  Compassion is the feeling that comes up when we join in with another’s suffering and feel compelled to help relieve that suffering.  Self compassion points this act of courage inwards, to our “me.” 

I believe what makes it so difficult for most people to treat themselves with the same compassion they do others is wrapped up in the fact that we simply do not fully understand ourselves.  Sure, we put a mask on and present a pretty picture to the world in efforts to gain approval and acceptance.  Yet over time, we lose touch with the truth of who we are and the basic understanding of what motivates our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.  

This is why the Enneagram is such a powerful tool.  It uncovers and drills down the story we’ve been living out of—essentially our personality.  

Living fully alive—thriving—requires us to wake up and take the steering wheel of our life.  The comfortable route involves lots of trance—or falling asleep at the wheel.  So, if you’re looking for the easy way out, the Enneagram (or self-compassion for that matter) is probably not for you.  Staying comfy and cozy where you’ve always been is.

If you’re looking to get out of your own way and play on your own team, welcome to a new way.  Yes, it requires that you and I show up, but also saves us from a lifetime of regret.  I can’t think of a more defeating end game than to wake up one distant day from now wishing I’d have valued myself along the way. 

What a dynamic duo! Self-compassion and the Enneagram.  They go well together in so many ways.  The Enneagram helps us know and understand our story—why we think, act, and feel the way we have for years and how we hide behind a mask called personality to conceal the parts of ourselves we aren’t too proud of.  This deep well of understanding is the most profound act of love.  

Combine it with the tangible practice of self-compassion and all of the sudden we put skin on that understanding. How? By showing up for ourselves and our stories in a new way.  Instead of trying to hide behind a mask, we now are able to lean into our real, raw experience and befriend her.  No more striving, no more shaming, and no more fixing.  

Self-compassion allows the pain, hurt, or fear to just be.  It also creates space to show loving kindness as we would to a dear friend so as to move through the pain of life as opposed to dancing around it. 

Are you ready for lasting transformation in your relationship with you? Are you tired of playing small in your own life? If so, I’ve got a roadmap and would love your company in my lunchtime Enneagram Mastermind. We meet once a month to explore various Enneagram-related topics while learning to foster self-compassion in a community of like-minded women.  To register or learn more, click here.

The Problem with Goals

I’ve been thinking a lot about goals lately.  Maybe it’s my over-active three wing (the achiever) or maybe it’s the subtle cues of fall’s imminent arrival right around the corner. Or Both?

I’m curious.

How do you approach goals?  Do they feel supportive? Restrictive? Unrealistic? All or nothing?  

I’m a bit all over the map. 

Typically, I’ll hunker down with my laptop and an oat milk latte and energetically list out what I want to accomplish in the week, months, and year ahead.  I love the energy involved in this process—sky’s the limit and I like to fly high.  And then, I peruse the final holy grail, and I….leave it there?  

Yep. I save it in a folder and let it collect virtual dust on the shelf, taking with me only a few of the highlights rolling around in my head and no clear plan of action.    

I know what you’re thinking.  “But they have planners for this!” Wah, wah.  

I know I HAVE ALL OF THEM.   

Here’s the deal.  I believe goals aren’t the answer for a few different reasons.  

1. They create a destination where you will find satisfaction only when said destination is reached.  I like to call this contingency living.  I’ll be happy when I…(lose 10 pounds or get the book deal or run the marathon).

2. They often set us up for failure because they’re too big and lack a plan.

3. They take us out of the present moment, eyes fixed on the prize ahead.  We end up missing out on our lives always living for the payoff.  

4. They don’t address the identity shift that must happen to affect long term change. 

So, what if we learn to fall in love with the process instead of the goal.  What if we create a doable, enjoyable, and realistic plan that focuses on tiny changes—shifts—along the way? In doing so, we not only create momentum, we start to see ourselves in a different, more empowered light.  We step into a new identity, a new story, that aligns with the type of person who achieves their desired outcome.  

Are you ready to be the hero of your own story?  Join me in the Practice, an online community committed to self-care and development by creating everyday rhythms and practices that help you thrive.

I’d love to support you.  

Here is your seat at the table

I have a few bold off-the-bat questions for you:

Do you long for a greater sense of community? New friendships? Do you want to better understand yourselves and your relationships? Do you want to take your Enneagram understanding to the next level? Do you desire a safe place to share some of your story? Do you want to unlock personal and professional opportunities? Do you like the idea of group therapy, but over a delicious lunch?

I know, that was a LOT…however…

If you answered yes to any of the above, you would LOVE my new Enneagram Mastermind group that starts up September 27, 2023.  It’s the perfect blend of deep connections, learning, fun, beautiful hospitality, and sharing sacred space as we move through an 8-month curriculum I’ve built specifically for this experience.  

Don’t worry, you don’t have to know a lot about the Enneagram to join.  You don’t even have to be an extrovert either (big ole’ introvert over here:).  Honestly, you just need to have a desire to connect in a deeper way to yourself and feel more seen and known in the context of community.  

Part of growth and healing requires relationship both with self and other safe people who have earned the right to hear your story.  Over the course of this group, we will build out that safety and trust so you can share parts of your story and how they have shaped your personality and core value system in a remarkable way.  

And if you know me, you know I’m all about editing and re-writing the parts of our stories that no longer serve us.  Yes, we will do lot’s of this too.  

Get excited!  

Space is super limited, so please grab your seat at the table today.