Failure School: How to Succeed at Failing

99.99999% of your fears
live only in your imagination,
in anticipation, and in memory.

Even if the ‘worst’ happens,
you’ll find yourself dealing with it in the moment,
responding from a place of presence.

You don’t have to deal with it now.
You’ll handle it then.

And who knows:
The ‘worst’ thing may turn out
to be your greatest teacher,
your most profound call to awakening,
an invitation to the kind of courage
of which you’d never thought yourself capable.

Fear isn’t your enemy,
but a signpost.

Breathe into the moment.

– Jeff Foster

Benign

I just googled the definition of “failure.”  Here’s the most comprehensive and concise meaning I found: “the omission of expected or required action.”  Sounds pretty benign, right—so matter of fact?

The kind of fear of failure I’ve experienced along the way has been a far cry from this bland “omission” situation.  Quite the contrary; it’s been a crippling and immobilizing force that’s stunted growth, joy, and relationships.  From the anonymous surveys many of you were total champions for completing last week, I know I’m very much not alone.

I’m fascinated by this unruly expectation we place on ourselves to avoid failure. So much so that I’m developing some additional resources for us to dig into around this work on a deeper level.  For now though, I want to pepper your thoughts with some key insights that have become a lynchpin shift in my understanding and approach to failure.

Expectation Shift

The operative word in the above definition is certainly “expect” not “omission” as it relates to our study here.  Why?  Well, simply put, because it’s the subjective that we tend to personalize, not the objective facts.  I either deliver or I don’t and surely my life’s worth and value aren’t tied up in that slice of history.

Bomb

I’ve bombed so many performances it might lead you to wonder if I had a screw loose for continuing in my early music days.  For some ungodly reason, I kept going even though it felt like cruel and unusual self-harm.  Strangely, no one ever told me I sucked or bombed it or should definitely not quit my day job.  I only received encouragement and kindness.  I realize, we are in the South y’all.  Nonetheless, I’m a pretty good read and they seemed genuine.

Fall

We’re so tightly wound and attached to the narrow expectation of who we should be and how we should perform that we lose sight of the incredibly vast and curious horizons that come along with the fall.

Have you ever watched a toddler on the cusp of walking? First of all, it’s high and hilarious art.  Secondly, the ONLY way their tiny muscles are made stronger is by falling and getting up—over and over and over again.  And we “ooh” and “ahh” and gawk like grown chimpanzees about to be fed at the circus in response.  Go figure.

Imagination

So why is it so terrifying to fail?  I believe it’s because we are afraid of the way we will treat ourselves and as a result feel in response to our perceived failure–our missing the mark.  Like the poem states, nearly every shred of our fears live in the stories we make up about them, our imagination. Our fears are rarely tethered to reality and we drive the shame ship of our failure…we’re the culprit!  Sure, the outcome is humbling at first, but by elevating our belief about failure, we construct a new brain pathway or go-to storyline that facilitates self-compassion instead of self-flagellation.  We don’t evolve by playing it safe in a mole hole, but by staying present at the crossroads of failure and opportunity.

Know the Difference

Before you go poking holes in my sunshine, I’ll clarify an exception to the rule. There are two types of failure, and I refer to failure at this point as something necessary for growth and success.

There is all-in failure and half-ass failure.  All-in failure is when we’ve shown up,  given our all, and  fully engaged in the pursuit at hand, yet for whatever reason didn’t quite make the cut.  The passion and effort are there, yet the outcome is not—yet anyway.

Half-ass failure, as you might imagine, is missing the mark without giving it a fighting, bleeding-heart chance.  We’ve all been there, yet it’s not a  helpful pattern as it ultimately becomes self-fulling prophecy.  Oftentimes, this is simply a good indicator that we may not really want what we’re limping for and redirection is necessary.

Failure File

This homework might blow your mind and/or cause you to become extremely frustrated with me.  Both are fine, just keep me in the loop there. 

I’m convinced if we’re not wholeheartedly failing, we’re not stretching ourselves enough.

I recently heard a podcast interview with a man (whom I couldn’t catch his name for the life of me) talking about this very concept.  He’s a big wig coach who guides super successful executives into their highest potential.  He gave his clients strict homework to fail at least five times a month and record those failures in a specified file in their office, a failure file.  (Mic drop.) I nearly turned it off.

Momentum

I wrestled with this notion for a couple hours, and quickly became OBSESSED.  Fickle, yes.  I’ve started experimenting so as to really put myself out there in ways that seem uncomfortable and awkward.  You know what?  In the process, I’ve accomplished some pretty daunting goals I’ve had staring me down for months now and feel a noticeable momentum shift.  There’s something to this.

And so I dare you.  Start your own failure file this week and go for one “all-in fail” to add to it.  What comes up for you even thinking about this stuff?  Dig into to; dance with it.  It surely won’t kill you.  If nothing else, your world will be so much bigger for playing along.  Go ahead, give yourself total permission, or homework,  to fail.  There’s wide-open freedom and life in that movement.

A man we know and love called Winston Churchill said it well.  He’s a mixed bag of courage, successes, failure, bullheaded stubbornness, and legend all in one. His stories and words have a vibrant life of their own well after his last breath.  Now that’s gumption.

“Success is not final. Failure is not fatal.  It is the courage to continue that counts.”

-Winston Churchill

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

xoxo

Play to Get Ahead

We don’t stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing.

-George Bernard Shaw

Salt

I’m in the throes of studying for the NCMHCE board exam for the third time now.  I failed it the first two times, or should I say, I learned a lot from the first two times (wink wink ).  It’s the hardest damn test I’ve ever taken and has required more than a whole year of my life to hopefully pass.  I’m seasoning my approach this time around with a heavy hand of confidence, salted ever so intentionally with openness and a good sense of humor.  Lord knows this process has been quite humbling.

Student

In light of this seeming year-long testing “detour”, I’ve simultaneously become a wide-eyed student of myself.  Perhaps my most surprising finding in the process is how vitally important play is as it pertains to success.  Success can feel super nebulous, so I’ll define it as achieving a desired outcome in this context.

Imagine

Imaginative play is not just for kids, OR people who make stuff for a living.  Play is integral as it pertains to work-life balance.  I sometimes refer to play as white space: carved out time to let the mind, body, and imagination reset and be free to engage in the moment’s fullness, though seemingly minuscule and unrelated to the task at hand.  Play might seem silly– for kids, however, we actually must play to get ahead.

Reverb

For example, have you ever found yourself completely zoned out in the shower when a brilliant idea hits like a warm crashing wave from out of nowhere? Perhaps it was the gracious tiled reverb that filtered your morning song and flagged the idea gods, welcoming their favor. Or perhaps you were so engaged in the moment and stressful thoughts and to-do’s  were momentarily sidelined.  Hmmm, perhaps a bit of both?  Ideas happen most often when we’re engaging in something different, something simple.

Cortisol

Another example is weight loss.  Interestingly enough,  it’s quite common for people wanting to lose weight to get so stressed out throughout their process that despite doing diet and exercise perfectly, the number on the scale doesn’t budge, heck, it may even rise.  Why is this?  When we’re highly stressed, greater amounts of the stress hormone cortisol are released in the body which produces resistance and sends us into fight or flight, ultimately holding onto the unwanted weight.  Balance, rest, play, and variety are all necessary to keep our body’s equilibrium and functioning in tact.  Excessive productivity will eventually crash and burn, as will obsessively striving to reach a forced goal.  We’ve got to get off the proverbial treadmill and go build a sandcastle.

Build

In my recent experience studying, I’m learning to build in practices that stimulate imagination and enjoyment instead of solely relying on my ability to pass these god-awful, counter-intuitive simulations that I’ve come to ultimately dread.  Despite knowing the information, I was failing them left and right.  Stress and anxiety prevented me from applying knowledge I’d amassed over months of studying.  Makes sense, right?  If I enjoy what I’m doing, chances are, I’ll naturally come out ahead more often than not.  We perform better when we learn to enjoy the process, not just the outcome.  

Rihanna

So, what’s the application?  Here are some helpful ways to get off the stringent productivity treadmill and play in the waves of possibility and imagination that eventually carry us further, with more fun.  “Work work work work work….” Rihanna got it all wrong.

Factor in some solitude

Carve out some time to connect with yourself, your emotions, your thoughts, and your imagination.  Solitude is not a lonely place.  We’re never alone when our imagination is engaged.

Become the observer

Non-judgement is critical as we cultivate more play in our lives.  Curious people are rock star observers.  For me, the posture of curiosity has been a life-saver this past year!  Guided meditation is a powerful catalyst in the transition from harsh judgment to open observation.  Need more help?  Go spend the afternoon with your favorite three-year-old.

Practice spontaneity

Do something different.  Changing up our routine and physical movement throughout the day seems insignificant, but both facilitate a nimble, vivid imagination.  Set up your workspace in a new coffee shop, take the scenic route home, ditch the gym and find a winding hiking trail somewhere green.

Go on a date

You heard me.  Go on a date…with you!  Find a couple hours in your week and plan something special, then go! Connecting with the dreamer inside happens when we honor and make space for him/her.  Check out the latest museum exhibit, movie, or whatever lights you up.

Goals are so very important.  I love goals!  However, we can’t be rigid with our goals.  They should serve us, not the other way around.  The willingness to be open and deviate from our goals when necessary is central to this journey.  Goals are stepping stones.  If we see a better way across the creek, let’s take it and build there.  Play is really about shifting perspective. Personally, I’d much rather look through the wide-eyed gaze of a child each passing day than get locked into the stale, listless stare of a forgotten dream.  So, simply…let’s go play.

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

xoxo