Meet the New Power Couple: Self-Compassion and the Enneagram

I’ll never forget going to my little brother, Gates’, junior high basketball game.  He must have been in sixth grade or so. He was a damn good player. Gates and I have an extra special bond as he is 15 years younger than me and was born on my birthday.  I’ve always felt a deep connection to him and this parent-like pride in everything he does.   

It was a heated game.  As point guard, Gates dribbled the ball in from center court.  The clock was running down to the bone. The teams were tied. This was a make or break moment and everyone knew it.  I could feel the weight of all those parents’ hopes and dreams hanging on the chiseled little shoulders of my brother.  

He had to take the shot.  With two seconds left, he launched a three-pointer into the air with perfect form and a prayer.  The buzzer scowled back. He missed the shot.  

His whole body sunk low to the court as all the oxygen on our side of the gym was snuffed out.  My heart ripped open and I wanted to rush down there and give him the most embarrassing big sister hug of his life.  In that moment, I was more proud of him than ever. I wanted him to know that. I wanted to take away all of his pain.  

I didn’t know it then, but looking back, this was compassion operating in its purest form. 

I know you have stories to illustrate a similar brand of compassion you’ve felt for loved ones in your life.  Yet tell me this: when was the last time you actively participated in it towards yourself? 

I honestly can’t think of one time in my experience that I’ve had an organic, visceral example of self-compassion like I did that day for Gates.  I am slowly learning to grow that though.  

Guess what? If you’re like me and lack this seamless sense of loving-kindness towards yourself, it’s okay.  Chances are, you, like me, missed that day in Self-Compassion 101.  

Compassion takes empathy one step further and is something we get to cultivate in relationship.  Compassion is the feeling that comes up when we join in with another’s suffering and feel compelled to help relieve that suffering.  Self compassion points this act of courage inwards, to our “me.” 

Thich Nhat Hanh said, “When you understand, you cannot help but love.”

I believe what makes it so difficult for most people to treat themselves with the same compassion they do others is wrapped up in the fact that we simply do not fully understand ourselves.  Sure, we put a mask on and present a pretty picture to the world in efforts to gain approval and acceptance. But over time, we lose touch with the truth of who we are and the basic understanding of what motivates our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. 

This is why the Enneagram is such a powerful tool.  It uncovers and drills down the story we’ve been living out of—essentially our personality. 

Living fully alive—thriving—requires us to wake up and take the steering wheel of our life.  The comfortable route involves lots of trance—or falling asleep at the wheel. So, if you’re looking for the easy way out, the Enneagram (or self-compassion for that matter) is probably not for you.  Staying comfy and cozy where you’ve always been is.

If you’re looking to get out of your own way and play on your own team, welcome to a new way.  Yes, it requires you and I to show up, but also saves us from a lifetime of regret. I can’t think of a more defeating end game than to wake up one distant day from now wishing I’d have valued myself along the way. 

So, in walks the handsome couple: Self-compassion and the Enneagram.  They go so well together in so many ways. The Enneagram helps us know and understand our story—why we think, act, and feel the way we have for years and how we hid behind a mask called personality to hide the parts of ourselves we weren’t too proud of.  This deep well of understanding is the most profound act of love.  

Combine it with the tangible practice of self-compassion and all of a sudden we put skin on that understanding.  How? By showing up for ourselves and our stories in a new way. Instead of trying to hide behind a mask, we now are able to lean into our real, raw experience and befriend her.  No more striving, no more shaming, and no more fixing. Self-compassion allows the pain, hurt, or fear to just be. It also creates space to show loving-kindness as we would to a dear friend so as to move through the pain of life as opposed to dancing around it. 

Are you ready for lasting transformation in your relationship with you? Are you tired of playing small in your own life? If so, I’ve got a roadmap.  I’d love your company on this exquisite journey.  

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

P.S. Want to go deeper in your own practice of self-compassion and the Enneagram?  I’d love to hear from you.  

When I learned this, everything started to click

Do you ever feel like the harder you work at something, the more harm you actually do?

For example, I’ve been working on my sleep lately.  With a five-month-old baby, sleep is something of a luxury, especially as my relationship with sleep has been, let’s just say,  chronically fickle.   Ever since my mid-twenties hit, that delicious brand of deep shut-eye left the building along with my general sense of “it will all work out.”  

After all, with a new-found sense of responsibility and “adulting” came this constant low-hanging fog of anxiety and aimlessness.   I started living more in my head— “out there” —as opposed to in the safety of presence.  I didn’t know that then though, I was trying to figure it all out, and hard. 

As an Enneagram four, my hefty three wing took full effect.  Poor thing, she wore herself out. 

What I’ve learned is that it’s not actually sleep that’s been the problem all along.  It’s my relationship with sleep.

But isn’t this always the case?  It’s not actually the thing that’s the problem.  It’s our relationship with the thing.  

Take food for example.  Food is a glorious thing.  Yet, when our relationship with food becomes manipulative or out of balance, we suffer.  I see this often in therapy as emotional eating is a popular medication of choice, especially for women.  

Back to sleep.  In my efforts to sleep better at night, I began to fixate on how I would make it better.  I took baths, drank sleepy time tea, meditated, exercised in the morning, turned off my phone at night—you get it I tried it all.  Yet, it kept me in a striving spiral where the focus was “not enough.” With this scarcity-based approach, I actually produced more anxiety around going to sleep at night.    

As you can imagine, this didn’t help me seamlessly drift off at night.  Eventually, I had to back up and examine my relationship with sleep, just like I would a relationship with a friend. 

How was I feeling towards sleep? What was the pattern at play here? How could I cultivate a different, calmer approach? 

When we navigate challenges in life from a place of will power rather than relationship, we will continuously come up short, perpetuating a vicious cycle of self-defeat and shame.

What challenges are you facing?  Do they stem from anxiety, money, career, weight, addiction or perhaps health?  Before trying to change your behavior or fix something, look at this challenge in light of relationship.  

How would you describe your relationship with it? Sit in the observer chair and simply be curious about how you experience this problem.  Write it all down.

Chances are, there’s a better way to relate to this challenge in your life.  For me, letting go of the expectation around what it should look like is vital.  So is staying in the present moment as opposed to getting tangled up in a web of anxious thoughts about the past or future.

What about you? 

It’s true, challenges in life are unavoidable.  But how we relate to them is 1000% within our control.  So, my friend, I suppose it’s time for you and I to become our own expert in relationships.  Everything…and I mean everything…is relational. 

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

The Fall Edit...7 Ways To Up Your Wellness Game

Fall is undoubtedly my favorite season. I feel a bit like Mr. Fitzgerald in that life seems to offer a second, and equally romantic, Spring, or new beginning when early October rolls around. Yet I’m also well acquainted with the struggles and temptations that come along with the changing seasons. The days get shorter, schedules mount up, self-care tends to wane, and I often feel a dank, subtle chill of loneliness sneak in.

Have you struggled much with seasonal depression?

I have…big time. That said, I’ve learned the hard way how vital it is to intentionally manage expectations and routines in order to stay connected to daily hope and healing. In light of this, I like to send out a Fall Edition of sorts—full of new ideas and opportunities to stay on top of our self-care game as we head into the coming months. If you follow fashion, it’s a bit like that thick, fresh, September Vogue edition boasting fall’s most delicious offerings. Pure magic.

This year, I’m more excited than ever to explore some new ways of connecting to yourself and your community in life-giving ways.

Too often we’re tempted into autopilot—that sleepy trance of contained chaos—and end up just going through the motions. I don’t know about you, but I want to feel alive and awake in my experience this fall, savoring each moment like a gift—or that inaugural pumpkin spice latte.

Here are a few ideas to support you in this pursuit. I think you’ll find something you can enjoy despite the hectic demands of the season.

Are you looking for ways to deepen your knowledge of the Enneagram, build new relationships, and do powerful therapeutic work in a safe environment? If so, the Bloom Group is for you. This monthly group is a blend of experiential group therapy and an Enneagram deep dive. Not only is it completely confidential and intimate (10 people per group), we use the construct of the Enneagram to understand our unique stories and write a hopeful, compelling next chapter. Loneliness is an epidemic in our culture and seems to show up at every corner, especially in fall and winter months. Bloom Group is a grounding opportunity to get ahead of that ache. For more info or to sign up, click here.

Neuroscience and brain-based therapies have become a huge passion of mine throughout the past several years. I’ve learned that oftentimes when we feel stuck in the past or a painful emotional experience, we can’t merely talk our way out of it in therapy. We need something deeper—more effective and transformative—to compliment the process.

This fall, I’m beyond thrilled to partner with NeurofeedbackNashville and offer you an opportunity to heal in a deeper way without working so hard in therapy. Neurofeedback is a totally passive, restful experience that provides the following results (to name a few):

• Increased self-awareness as your brain witnesses itself and its patterns in real-time

• When the brain gains that self-awareness it can mindfully choose its preferred optimal responses to life rather than defaulting to the same old feedback loops

• As you continue training, this resilience—rather than reactivity—becomes a new unconscious skill

• You feel calmer (or more focused, joyful, or whatever it is that your unique brain knows you need) without having to work so hard in talk therapy

I’ve been using Neurofeedback now for the last several months during my pregnancy and continue to be amazed by the results. More and more, I see my best self emerge and feel increased clarity and calmness. Curious? Check out this animated video and use code (HALFOFFTRAIN) when scheduling to enjoy 50% off your first session.

Much like Nashville’s very own Central Park, Radnor Lake is a picturesque pocket of nature with several serene trails to choose from if you’re looking for an excuse to get outside and behold the stunning leaves and light. It’s been something of a sanctuary for me throughout the 24 years I’ve lived in Nashville. The wildlife is rocking as well! Don’t be surprised to encounter plenty of deer and turkeys on the trail. Exercise and nature are two highly grounding components in life. Radnor allows you to fully experience the benefits of both.

This Holiday season starting in November, I’m inviting you into an eight-week meditation challenge. You’ll receive a (free!) meditation each week with a specific grounding focus. For example, gratitude, self-compassion, presence, creativity, expectations, rest, etc. Meditation is an incredible way to deepen self-awareness, foster a sense of calm, as well as build out resilience in the midst of chaos. Plus, there will be a fun surprise give-a-way at the end of the year you WON’T want to miss!! Stay tuned for more on this.

We don’t often realize it, but we wear our emotions on our face. As skin is our biggest organ and we lead with our lovely faces, it’s been fun to explore ways of taking care of mine, especially the older I get. With acne-prone, sensitive skin, I’ve struggled to find a good fit that won’t break the bank. Recently I learned of a holistic esthetician, Kari Zwickel, aka The Nourishing Skin Coach. She uses a completely different holistic approach to the skin, working with what’s already happening as opposed to forcing harsh, targeted treatments as a bandaid. She’s a wizard and a true teacher. Each time I’ve gone to see her, I feel like I’ve had a transformational mind-body-spirit experience. I also see my hormonal skin settling down and radiance start to emerge. For an intro into her method, don’t miss her fall skincare workshop. Coming up on Sept. 17th!

Do you struggle to know (for sure) what your Enneagram type is? If so, you’re not alone. Oftentimes, it can take months if not years to land on your true type. Let’s face it, there’s no such thing as a pure type. We’ve got a bit of every type tucked away inside. Some feel larger than others and yes, there is one that actually leads. One of my favorite ways of helping clients move deeper into the transformational work of the Enneagram is to support them in identifying their type using a unique typing inquiry process. We experience suffering when we make up limiting stories about our pain. I believe knowing and living from the true story about who we are is absolutely vital. Understanding our Enneagram type gets us one step closer to that truth. Interested? I’d love to chat.

I heard Richard Rohr once say, “If I’m not practicing constant gratitude, I become totally resentful.” Can I get an “Amen?” Unrealistic expectations, comparison with others, and lack of boundaries can leave us hardened, closed off to the joy of each moment. Keeping a gratitude journal is the perfect antidote to said temptations. You can use a journal from Target or buy a more structured one on Amazon. My favorite? The 5-minute journal. I believe gratitude is the ultimate pivotal powerplay. It can shift our focus from lack to abundance in a split second. It provides an opening—or way out—from the stuck, thin spaces we find ourselves in.

That’s a wrap! I can’t wait to hear how you’re taking care of you this fall…and maybe I’ll even see you soon at Radnor (with a stroller in tow)! :)

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

3 Tips for Loving Detachment

At the heart of co-dependency, or any addictive behavior, is the need to control.  In fact, co-dependency and control go together like peanut butter and jelly, turkey and dressing, or cake and ice cream.  (Pregnant? Who me??)

Last week we touched on this idea of detachment, or letting go of our need to control people, in order to enhance our relationships. 

At first glance, detachment sounds negative—uncaring.  After all, we talk in circles here on the blog about how vital connection and community are.  Isn’t detachment a slap in the face to such wholehearted pursuits? 

Well, no. Quite the contrary.  Detachment is actually incredibly loving, especially if you’re a recovering co-dependent like me.  I think of loving detachment in relationships as an integral way to set healthy boundaries and remain open to something greater than myself and my control.  To keep things simple, I’ve got three tips for you that may help you deepen your meaningful relationships and let go of the ones that feel chaotic—toxic even. 

1)    Fools Rush In

We’re all guilty of making hasty decisions, especially in relationships.  However, one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned as of late is to let my yes be a hell yes.  In other words, we don’t have to have an immediate answer to another’s question or need right away.  Novel idea, right?  Have you ever found yourself habitually agreeing to take on responsibilities for another out of the goodness of your heart, yet became resentful towards them because you actually didn’t want to do it deep down inside?  Even though we want to blame them for the extra load, that’s on us! 

A good reminder here: give yourself plenty of time to respond to someone’s ask.  There’s no rule requiring us to respond right away.  “Let me think about it,” or “I’ll get back to you on that," are perfectly good options. 

2) Bring me a Higher Love

I love flying, and not just because I love travel.  I actually love the luxurious perspective we gain by getting 30,000 feet up.  Above the traffic, speed limits, and sleepy stretches of driving, we gain generous insight only distance can lend.  You know where you came from and where you’re going.  There’s a skilled pilot in the cockpit doing all the heavy lifting, navigating, and planning.  He’s even going to land that plane.  You’re the traveler. He’s the guide. 

One of the flimsy narratives we buy into when operating in co-dependent behavior in relationships is, “If I don’t intervene, or fix the situation, it will crash and burn.  I might be abandoned, rejected, or both.”  In doing so, we play God.  Detaching in love not only allows our Higher Power to be in control, it creates an opportunity for you and I to practice receptivity as opposed to manipulation.  Essentially, we are only able to truly receive with open hands—not clinched fists. 

3) Fix You 

Compassion doesn’t mean fixing.  In fact, fixing others is fear-based and flimsy. It doesn’t stick.  Instead, loving detachment allows us to see the truth of the situation and live in reality knowing each of us is responsible to and for ourselves.  Sure, we can ask for help with that which becomes too heavy yet trying to fix another person or their problems is essentially taking away their opportunity for personal empowerment and growth.  Some say people don’t change.  I heartily disagree.  I believe people do change, however, not without burning desire.  If I’m trying to fix you, how does your desire ever take flight?  It’s weighted down by my agenda.  Detachment, letting go of the controlling death grip on others, gives our relationships a chance to bleed desire and grow in the petri dish of honesty and reality.

What do you need in order to practice more loving detachment in relationships? Pray tell…

Love & Gratitude,

Katie     

Talk to the Hand: Detaching in Love

Co-dependency.  We’ve all slung that word around a time or two.  Lord knows it gets a really bad rap, too.  Truth be told, I struggle with the word and overall label.  Why?  Because I believe humans, by nature, are needy creatures.  Straight out of the womb, we wouldn’t make it very long without the nourishment and care of parents, guardians, and loving community.  I don’t think this is an accident.  I think it’s a beautiful model for the primal humility baked into our human expression.  It’s the purest version of vulnerability in my mind.  Survival requires connectedness in relationship.

And yet growth, maturity, and adulthood require a measure of responsibility and individuation in order to balance this developmental process, continue parenting ourselves and truly thrive.  This process is based on loving trust built with ourselves and others.

Sounds so easy, right?

In my experience, not so much.  It's a bit more complicated than earning a college degree, reading a flow chart, or getting a driver’s license.  This new-found responsibility of adulting—in essence, freedom—comes with all sorts of complicated emotions.  At the center of them is a deep, loud longing for acceptance—for love. 

Many of us learned early on exactly how to get this need for acceptance met by shape-shifting in order to please others.  If I do or say what makes you feel good, this in turn will give me entrance into that grand room of belonging.  Call it people-pleasing, call it co-dependency, call it whatever you want.  At its core, it’s really just dishonesty and manipulation.

I suppose here’s where I draw the line: we all have the God-given birthright to have needs and wants and get them met by asking for help.  When I feel lonely, I need to reach out and connect with safe people.  Again, being needy is a human thing not a weak thing.  However, when our internal well-being and sense of belonging is propped up by external circumstances, especially the agenda or approval of others, that line gets blurred real fast. 

When I’m feeling insecure, I tend to slip into this brand of co-dependency.  For example, I’ll do unnecessary damage control after having a difficult conversation or interaction with a friend.  Or there’s the classic over-explaining after I’ve set a healthy boundary for myself in order to soften the blow to someone else or bypass any possible friction.    

We tend to mistake this controlling behavior for care and kindness.  No dice.  Why?  Because it’s based in fear and scarcity.  Worrying, manipulating, and controlling behavior only hijacks another’s process, and in doing so, steals their opportunity for emotional exploration and growth.  Not only that, we basically assume a "God" role.  We buy into thinking, "It's all up to me to move the needle forward."  Last time I checked, God doesn’t need my expertise, no matter how well-intentioned. 

As we grow in self-awareness and compassion, letting go and detaching in love is crucial.  Though it seems counterintuitive and heartless, detachment is a deeply loving practice.   

How do we practice this?  What does that look like?  Yes, it’s coming.  

Stay tuned for next week’s installment.  We’re going to practically explore healthy detachment step by step.   

(See what I did there? 😉)

Love & Gratitude,

Katie