Meet the New Power Couple: Self-Compassion and the Enneagram

I’ll never forget going to my little brother, Gates’, junior high basketball game.  He must have been in sixth grade or so. He was a damn good player. Gates and I have an extra special bond as he is 15 years younger than me and was born on my birthday.  I’ve always felt a deep connection to him and this parent-like pride in everything he does.   

It was a heated game.  As point guard, Gates dribbled the ball in from center court.  The clock was running down to the bone. The teams were tied. This was a make or break moment and everyone knew it.  I could feel the weight of all those parents’ hopes and dreams hanging on the chiseled little shoulders of my brother.  

He had to take the shot.  With two seconds left, he launched a three-pointer into the air with perfect form and a prayer.  The buzzer scowled back. He missed the shot.  

His whole body sunk low to the court as all the oxygen on our side of the gym was snuffed out.  My heart ripped open and I wanted to rush down there and give him the most embarrassing big sister hug of his life.  In that moment, I was more proud of him than ever. I wanted him to know that. I wanted to take away all of his pain.  

I didn’t know it then, but looking back, this was compassion operating in its purest form. 

I know you have stories to illustrate a similar brand of compassion you’ve felt for loved ones in your life.  Yet tell me this: when was the last time you actively participated in it towards yourself? 

I honestly can’t think of one time in my experience that I’ve had an organic, visceral example of self-compassion like I did that day for Gates.  I am slowly learning to grow that though.  

Guess what? If you’re like me and lack this seamless sense of loving-kindness towards yourself, it’s okay.  Chances are, you, like me, missed that day in Self-Compassion 101.  

Compassion takes empathy one step further and is something we get to cultivate in relationship.  Compassion is the feeling that comes up when we join in with another’s suffering and feel compelled to help relieve that suffering.  Self compassion points this act of courage inwards, to our “me.” 

Thich Nhat Hanh said, “When you understand, you cannot help but love.”

I believe what makes it so difficult for most people to treat themselves with the same compassion they do others is wrapped up in the fact that we simply do not fully understand ourselves.  Sure, we put a mask on and present a pretty picture to the world in efforts to gain approval and acceptance. But over time, we lose touch with the truth of who we are and the basic understanding of what motivates our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. 

This is why the Enneagram is such a powerful tool.  It uncovers and drills down the story we’ve been living out of—essentially our personality. 

Living fully alive—thriving—requires us to wake up and take the steering wheel of our life.  The comfortable route involves lots of trance—or falling asleep at the wheel. So, if you’re looking for the easy way out, the Enneagram (or self-compassion for that matter) is probably not for you.  Staying comfy and cozy where you’ve always been is.

If you’re looking to get out of your own way and play on your own team, welcome to a new way.  Yes, it requires you and I to show up, but also saves us from a lifetime of regret. I can’t think of a more defeating end game than to wake up one distant day from now wishing I’d have valued myself along the way. 

So, in walks the handsome couple: Self-compassion and the Enneagram.  They go so well together in so many ways. The Enneagram helps us know and understand our story—why we think, act, and feel the way we have for years and how we hid behind a mask called personality to hide the parts of ourselves we weren’t too proud of.  This deep well of understanding is the most profound act of love.  

Combine it with the tangible practice of self-compassion and all of a sudden we put skin on that understanding.  How? By showing up for ourselves and our stories in a new way. Instead of trying to hide behind a mask, we now are able to lean into our real, raw experience and befriend her.  No more striving, no more shaming, and no more fixing. Self-compassion allows the pain, hurt, or fear to just be. It also creates space to show loving-kindness as we would to a dear friend so as to move through the pain of life as opposed to dancing around it. 

Are you ready for lasting transformation in your relationship with you? Are you tired of playing small in your own life? If so, I’ve got a roadmap.  I’d love your company on this exquisite journey.  

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

P.S. Want to go deeper in your own practice of self-compassion and the Enneagram?  I’d love to hear from you.