Food, Fashion, & the Pursuit of Happiness

If there are three things I am deeply passionate in this life, they are surely food, fashion, and mental health (among other things, of course).  Along my squirrelly (at best) career path, I flirted hardcore with romantic ideas of moving to NYC and working in fashion or becoming a chef more times than I can count.  I finally chickened out because A) I love to cook, but on my own watch and for people who are nice, and B) God spoke to me through a slew of convincing nightmares after watching “The Devil Wears Prada.”  I’ve never been so terrified of Meryl Streep in my life.  

Eventually, I landed where I am today, in the armchair of psychology/mental health.  Yet I must say, the beauty and inspiration I find in cooking/hosting, as well as fashion, is something of therapy for me.  

You may guess where I’m headed here.  

Last week the human race suffered a massive loss.  I was gutted upon hearing of Kate Spade’s suicide.  Then, Anthony Bourdain’s only two days later?  I never had the opportunity to meet them, but somehow, somewhere deep down, I felt connected to them, like we might have been friends.  I loved their gumption and their wildly unique approach to business and art, and most of all perhaps, I love that they inspired us to get a little bit outside of our comfort zones and do something remarkable.

After wrestling with sadness, anger, and confusion for a solid week, I think I know why the mack truck of this news hit me so hard: I too, know the desolate, lonely corridors of self-destruction.  In the throes of my own crippling depression, self-loathing and a seriously jacked up belief-system pushed me to the edge of this life, photoshopping out any inkling of hope.  I didn’t have the rational mind to reach out for help in those times.  Thankfully, I had enough people around who did and could carry my frail heart into truth and light.

Left to my own devices though, I’m not entirely sure I’d be here today without them.

I’m certain you or someone you know has had a similar story.

Now, in my rational, healthy mind, I’ve learned to practice (and love) asking for help.  Hell, you’d know it all the way in Seattle in less than a minute if I stumped my big toe.

However, the fact is depression can very much be a fatal disease.  This logical ability to reach out and “ask for help” simply isn’t baked in.

Last week reminded me why I do what I do.  It is why I keep showing up every week to write these silly posts that may never even be read.  I don’t care; the conversation must go on.  It is why, in the end, you and I must not only hold space for the hurting around us but proactively reach out to those who can’t due to the silencing, eternal trans of suicidal depression.

In tennis, there are these things called unforced errors.  They are missed points due to avoidable mistakes.  I grew up binging on televised tennis tournaments with my big sister Kristen, who was a tennis champ herself.  We bickered over clothes and things a lot, but you better believe, when Wimbledon came around every year, we were strangely harmonious.

Andre Agassi (the crush of our lives as we knew it then) would miss a shot, double fault a serve, or get flustered by Pete Sampras’ clever drop-shot—fair enough.  However, an unforced error was simply a waste.  Those were avoidable.  

I think of suicide as the ultimate unforced error, the ultimate loss.  Unlike the game of tennis, you can’t come back and redeem yourself in the next tournament of this life after the loss of suicide.  There’s no do-over.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary feeling.  No feeling is final.  You and I get the math here, yet for Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, math didn’t matter.  I suppose they felt there was no other choice.  We shouldn’t judge them or assume to know what it felt like to walk around in their very visible shoes.  

I want to leave you with this thought, or conviction really.  

Success, fame, wealth, even the pursuit of what we are passionate about and think will make us happy and add value to the world is smoke and mirrors if we are building it from a place of ego.  By ego, I  mean our false self—who we are when we’re manipulating circumstances around us to make us worthy or significant.  This self is motivated by fear and scarcity.  When we live out of ego as opposed to a loving presence, we will never be satisfied, even after we think we’ve “arrived.”

I’m an evangelist for doing what you’re passionate about and creating a life you love.  I write about this a lot and coach people who are on this journey in my work.  You know what though?  It’s all a lie if we are not first and foremost convinced of the truth of who we are as opposed towho the world tells us we’re supposed to be.  This truth comes from a bigger story, a more profound love.

We must stay tethered to connection: connection to Love, Truth, Healthy relationships, and Community, and to the Authentic essence of who we are if we want to truly be successful—known.  

Last week, we lost two iconic industry leaders.  They made a final, fatal decision based on only a small, painful part of a much bigger story.  For all we know, they “had it all.”  That narrative came to a screeching halt.  

Depression can feel powerless, like there aren’t any other options.  What a terrible, if not convincing lie.

Lovely, you are powerful.  You are worthy.  You are beautiful.  You have the incredible ability to cultivate happiness in the now, without contingencies and red tape. Perhaps best of all, you get to write the next hopeful chapter.  

Remember this; you are the ocean.  You have complex waves of emotion.  They build and break.  They crash and wash.  They wane.  They shine.  They move.

They will never overcome the power of your depths though.  You are Love.

Love & Gratitude,
Katie

P.S. If you or someone you know is battling depression, reach out.  Despite it being the opposite of what feels normal or comfortable.  It is our responsibility to be the voice and hands of those that aren’t able to use them due to their disease.

Summertime & the Livin' is Easy

I did a little experiment over the past two weeks. You may have noticed you didn’t hear from me. (At least I hope you noticed!) 

I tagged along with my husband to Maui as he had some meetings down there. This didn’t suck. The meetings fell right before our two-year wedding anniversary, so we made a little vacation out of it. I had never been to Maui, nor Hawaii for that matter, and it was simply stunning—paradise for sure. All the rumors are true.

That wasn't the experiment, though.

Here’s the experiment: I decided I would give myself permission to live way outside the lines during the nearly two weeks I was away. This meant if I wanted to sleep in, I’d sleep in. If I wanted to lay by the pool and drink fruity drinks with umbrellas in them, I did. If I wanted to go for a long walk, I’d go. If I wanted to eat french fries and banana bread for lunch, bon appétit. I didn’t work…at all. I let the meditation slide as well as writing and daily exercise and all the things that keep me feeling grounded.

Side note: I have a tendency to want to be overly productive, and this idea of rest feels more like a dirty four-letter word than a blessing.  Also, I don’t like to sit still very much. I can’t remember the last time I went on vacation for more than one week and there wasn’t some type of work involved. For example, last summer we went to the beach for a week and instead of frolicking in the ocean, I spent nearly three-to-four hours a day writing copy for my website or editing a podcast.  Then I’d go for a run. Then I’d go sit on the beach with a book for around thirty minutes until I got bored again.

I realize this is not a way to live and there’s not even the faintest whiff of balance baked in. I’m very much working on this, hence the experiment.

Needless to say, this experiment was a failure. I managed to finish, but barely. I didn’t feel like myself. I felt completely disconnected and discombobulated…all the “dis” words. Don’t judge me.

Also, please believe me, I am over-the-top grateful for the time away in such a magical place! We had the most fun. Yet, I learned a crucial lesson from my “research" (besides the fact that I’m a work in progress): rest looks different for everyone and doesn’t mean we disconnect from ourselves. 

This is important for you and I as we roll into the summer months. Why? Because I strongly believe we can develop the summer blues just as easily as we can the winter ones. The cause isn’t necessarily a lack of vitamin D though; it’s a sneaking and oh-so-subtle disconnection from purpose. I say this a lot, and it’s worth repeating: the opposite of depression isn’t happiness, it’s purpose.

It can be so easy to disconnect from purpose and the structures that promote a sense of grounding when June rolls around, especially if you work for yourself or have a non-traditional work schedule. School’s out, travel ramps up, and porch hangs abound. It’s a glorious time to connect with friends and family, yet it’s also a ripe time to let self-care slide among other things.

With this shift at hand, I have three simple reminders to put in your back pocket as you embrace the lazy days of summer:

Know thy rest
Do your own experiment in order to better understand what you need in terms of rest. This doesn’t mean follow my extreme lead and swing hard in the other direction. For example, I feel most rested when I’m tuned into desire and filling up my creativity tank doing things like exploring new places, cooking for friends, or reading a good book. I get anxious when I watch Netflix in the middle of the day.

Your version may look much different and include periods of totally unplugging and taking catnaps in the afternoon. Neither way is right or wrong. The important thing is to find what you need in order to facilitate renewal in the season you’re in.

Dogs need fences
After about two days of roaming about in the wild and wooly unknown parts of the neighborhood, chances are your dog will miss the safety and consistency of your fenced-in backyard.  We, for the most part, are the same. Structure is a good thing and truly helps us stay connected to what we deep down desire, which I believe to be connection and purpose. Sure, we all need to get off the grid at times, yet consistency over time builds emotional resilience, and I have a strong suspicion you are here because you want to experience more of that. I know I do.

Give yourself some grace
In the end, the most important thing you can give yourself (and others) is grace and compassion. More than structure, more than purpose, more than self-care—you name it. Self-compassion and radical acceptance beget desired outcome much faster than a fear-based need to control. I love this quote:

“Where we think we need more self-discipline, we usually need more self-love.”
- Tara Mohr

I sincerely hope you’re easing into this summer season with equal parts desire and grace…and a heavy dash of amusement.

Love & Gratitude,
Katie

Listen Closely - Your Life is Trying to Talk

I'm a big advocate for the sacred process of finding your voice—and courageously learning to use it.

In my experience, slowly crossing the threshold of confidence into the land of self-compassion and acceptance gave me this newfound freedom and excitement to be heard and seen.

It’s kind of like waking up on Christmas morning as a kid, getting that one cherished toy you’d been asking for but thought your folks probably forgot…but then they came through. All you want to do is keep it close and show it off.  You love everyone, even your younger brother. The world is a beautiful place. You’re so proud and you can’t stop talking about it.

It may annoy people for a minute, and that’s okay, they’ll get over it…they love you too.

What I quickly learned along the way is this: in order to truly find your voice and speak from that sacred heart space, you must first learn to listen really closely and often.

I love what Parker Palmer says in one of my all-time favorite books on finding your calling, Let Your Life Speak (a must read if you haven’t already…super short too.)

He says, “Before I can tell my life what I want to do with it, I must listen to my life telling me who I am.” 

Sounds esoteric, right?  I actually think it’s us who overcomplicate things.

To create, we must get still and present. We must lean into the unknown. We must…listen.

Just as a flower grows and blooms from a tiny seed, you and I have everything we need to thrive locked safely inside us. Sure, we may need to nurture that part of us with inspiration and encouragement, but I assure you, it’s all in there.

As a species, humans are created to thrive and succeed, not to merely survive. Our creative imaginations are what sets us apart from other species. Inside of you, there is a creative mechanism that is fully capable of getting you from merely existing to succeeding.

That’s right, you get to create the life you love.

What happens so often though, is that we get lazy, want to be told what to do, and as a result, autopilot through life. No wonder we wake up mid-thirties or forties with a serious purpose deficiency and a bad back in search of a pill or a promise that will make us feel alive again.  

We’ve not been listening. We’ve been busy, hustling, fitting in.

So we’ve got a spectrum here. You may have recently unlocked this stunning, shiny voice of yours and you really like using it. The test drive is intoxicating. Or, you may be completely shut down, confusing everyone else’s demands and desires with your own. You’re exhausted and maybe even a bit resentful.  

Either way, the next best step is to slow down, take several very deep breaths, and simply listen. Feel your feet on the floor and your spine growing up from your seat. Notice the sensations inside your body; they’re talking alright. Give the tension a little time-out; you can pick her up in just a minute.

This is your true self. This is the space free of ego. This is where, with some practice, your life will speak to you in profound and sweet ways. This is the power of presence inside of you. It’s the magnificent Motherload. Let’s give it a listen.

Love & Gratitude,
Katie
xoxo

Let's Work It Out: How To Up Your Fitness Game (Without Breaking a Sweat)

This is not a post about working out, I assure you. I would not pretend to know what the optimal picture of physical fitness/health looks like for you or what your body needs to feel alive and balanced. Everyone’s needs vary.

What I do know, however, from decades of trial and error, passionate research, and education is one very simple concept: messaging and intention are everything.

What does that even mean?  

It means that you and I readily respond to messages that speak to our core values and desires. Based on those messages, we respond in action through intention. We identify what we want, and we intentionally set out to achieve that thing.

I’ll put some skin on this one.

The diet and exercise industry is a multi-billion dollar industry.  Yes, the “B” word.

It caters to the desire in you and me to look and feel our best, albeit sometimes through the vehicle of shame. You know the drill, “Once you lose those last ten pounds, you will be happy—you will be okay.”  

They tell us all about the latest fitness trends, green juice, protein shakes, cool down stretches, and recovery meals so we can stay on top of our game.

Guess what?

The messaging works. Their savvy adverts successfully appeal to the desires of consumers everywhere, hence the “B” word. My recent personal favorite messaging trend is: “Sitting is the new smoking.” So good, right?

There is a massive gap though.

We live in the most overfed, undernourished, obese, and sedentary culture in American history.

The intention may very well be present, but the action is missing.

I believe this speaks to a heart problem, not a willpower problem.

You see, I believe we’re going about it in reverse. I believe we need to take this brilliant fitness messaging model and apply it to our emotions before we put all our eggs in the fifteen-minute magic routine you saw in the latest Shape magazine.

Don’t get me wrong, I am an exercise evangelist. I started running at age twelve and have made daily physical movement a part of my life ever since. For me, it transcended vanity a long time ago, providing me the much-needed sanity space and release to balance out the crazy in my head.

I bet you know a thing or two about physical fitness, even if you hate working out. This is due to the constant messaging; It’s everywhere.

What we often fail to realize is our emotional health doesn’t run on autopilot, and the messaging here is a bit more subtle if not lacking.

We must develop an emotional fitness regime just as we do a physical fitness one. We must learn where the pitfalls are and when we typically hit the proverbial wall and have a meltdown. We must learn what makes us anxious and how to preemptively practice mindfulness and deep breathing along the way so as to keep it in check. We must learn to rest and practice self-compassion.

Awhile back, I interviewed Miles Adcox, CEO of Onsite Workshops (among a zillion other impressive things), for my podcast. He explained how this concept of emotional fitness must start small, with tiny two-degree shifts in mindset and behavior as opposed to extreme overhauls that typically don’t stick (think: New Year’s Resolutions). To hear that interview,click here.

Later on this week, I’ll be giving you a few practical tools for tweaking your emotional fitness regime, so stay tuned for that.

If this all sounds airy-fairy and frustrating, take heart; it is very much a process. Just as it takes months and often years to get in tune with your body and what it needs, so is the case with our emotional journey. It’s not perfect by any means—humans are messy.

However, I can promise you this process will help take some of the guesswork out of what it looks like to consistently feel better from day to day

You see? This was painless, treadmill-free, and I bet you didn’t even break a sweat!

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

The Enneagram & Your Favorite Mistake

I grew up worshiping Sheryl Crow. She embodied brilliant writer, instrumentalist, singer, and entertainer all in one while looking really strong and sure of herself along the way.  

While major labels were throwing hundreds of thousands of dollars at production budgets for artists back in the early 90’s, she managed to make pure magic with 40k on her debut recordTuesday Night Music Club.  

I see her from time to time around town, typically in a Starbucks, and have a full-on girl crush attack, geek out moment. Thankfully, I’ve never been a total train wreck and embarrassed myself those handful of times, though I’ve come scarily close. (I have a much different story about standing behind Micheal Stipe in a local coffee shop. I’ll save that for a blog post about overcoming humiliation.)

I recently listened to an interview with her on NPR and learned of a much different, fragile side of Ms. Crow. She admitted a lifelong battle with self-doubt and depression. She even went so far as to say this larger than life persona she’d created over the years felt paper thin, and contrary to the reality of her own broken self-image.

Guess what? You and I are no different (well, besides the arsenal of Grammy’s perhaps). We learned early on which masks looked really good on us that would also double as a protective shield. They would help us show up and be seen on this daunting stage called life.  

After all, the word personality is derived from the Greek word, “persona”, which means “mask”.  

We all wear certain masks of personality to protect ourselves from rejection and failure—to be liked. 

Your personality is NOT a bad thing either! It’s one of the loveliest things about you.  

Things gets pitchy though when we over-identify with that mask and eventually lose touch with the reality of who we are—the authentic essential self.  

I believe the Enneagram is one of the best, most accessible tools for self-understanding. It serves as a roadmap, guiding us on the journey of self-discovery and relational growth. If you’re new to this tool and want an introductory peek into its wisdom, this online indicator is a great place to start.

We make one whopping mistake with the Enneagram, though.  Just as we over-identify with certain personality traits or masks we wear, we can also hugely over-identify with the classic and obtuse characteristics of our specific number or “type.”  

We attach to the safe construct of this number as opposed to allowing it to help us “unlearn” certain behaviors that got us into trouble in the first place.  

For example, when I first discovered I was a four on the Enneagram (the Romantic), it was like someone had given me a handbook, or a language, for all the reasons I do what I do. The melancholic tendencies, the shame, the need to be special, the obsession with aesthetic, all of it! I thought I was just crazy all those years!?! (Ballot's still out there).  

Finally, I had insight into the complex story I’d been living out of

Initially though, instead of allowing this insight to help me shed the unhelpful parts of my personality, I took the information and completely indulged in it. Instead of “I’m Katie, and I identify with type four on the Enneagram,” it was, “I’m a four. Oh, and my name is Katie.” 

Are you tracking?  

In essence, if you are letting your type define you as opposed to allowing it to unlock the beauty and nuance of your purest, truest self, you’re still hiding in a box.  

Don’t worry, it’s my favorite mistake too. I camped out in Four Land for a good five years before I understood how much bigger and more powerful the Enneagram really is.  

It doesn’t want to type you just to leave you there. It wants to guide you home to wholehearted living without the entrapments of all those fearful masks.  

Here's the thing: You are in a league of your own. You're more than a number or a type on any personality indicator. Thankfully though, this gift of the Enneagram can support you in discovering all the intricacy, uniqueness, and power that lies outside the box and inside of you.  I'm pretty thrilled I get to support you as well. 

Love & Gratitude,

Katie
xoxo