A Direct Flight: Your Best Route to More Connection & Influence

I have a massive confession to make.

Quite honestly, I’m embarrassed to go there, but in line with my desire for transparency and vulnerability, it’s hopeless and there’s no turning back. 

In my own struggle with low self-worth and insecurity throughout the years, I’ve damn near died trying to be impressive—to be liked. I’ve pitted myself against “everyone” (which in reality, is a collective of probably six people in the world) in a hard effort to show up and be seen. I desperately want you to accept me and deem me worthy to enter those sparkly rooms you hold the key for.

This has taken many different shapes throughout the last three-plus decades: an eating disorder, good grades, perfectionism, unhealthy relationships, a music career, a graduate degree, a blog, shiny social media boxes, and the list goes on.  

Don’t get me wrong, most of these pursuits started off clean—based in desire. However, if I’m totally honest, some got a little muddied by an unrelenting need to be seen. Not only that but to be seen as clever.

Guess what? It’s an exhausting, isolating way to live. Also, it doesn’t work. Period.

It’s kind of like landing thirty minutes late at the Atlanta airport, hustling and schlepping to make the connecting flight only to show up at the gate to be met by a very perky flight attendant with red lipstick and coiffed hair who politely informs you “I’m sorry, you’re just too late. The plane left ten minutes ago.” 

Damn. Now you’ve got a couple of options; you can either bury your face in a pint of Ben & Jerry’s or a pint of Stella Artois... Pick your poison.

Guess what? We all have a deep need and desire to be seen. We were created to succeed and thrive in our own unique ways. However, what I’ve found the hard way is that there is a better, more effortless way to arrive. Take a deep breath and a load off; you don’t have to be so impressive.

Your ticket on this direct, first-class flight is called radical empathy.

Radical empathy is the choice to practice empathy relentlessly and continuously in our everyday interactions with people.

Brené Brown asserts that “Empathy and shame are on opposite ends of a continuum. Shame results in fear, blame (of self or others), and disconnection. Empathy is cultivated by courage, compassion, and connection, and is the most powerful antidote to shame."

We don’t get there by being interesting; we get there by being interested. We don’t get there by performing; we get there by listening. We don’t get there by striving; we get there by softening.

Last night I hosted ten incredibly courageous and beautiful women at a monthly gathering I’ve just started called The Bloom Groups. For the most part, these women were strangers.

They came from different cities, different cultures, different stories, yet all were there because they wanted the same thing: connection.  

We did an exercise where we sat on the floor with a massive piece of paper and a bunch of magic markers to share. The instructions were to each draw a painful experience had before the age of 18 and enclose it in some type of container (box, circle, heart).  

We went to town like ants in a dirt pile.

Ten minutes later, everyone’s picture was completed, almost. We went around the circle and told a brief synopsis of the story behind the picture. Tears streamed. Some F-bombs dropped.

The last piece of the exercise was for each one to draw a line from their container to any of the other containers or stories they related to.  

Guess what? Every single one of us connected to parts of each other’s stories. We were all connected by the collective pain of our stories. The picture was now complete, and it was powerful beyond words.  

After just two hours, ten strangers had experienced what it truly means to see one another, and in doing so, had practiced radical empathy by also seeing themselves in each other’s stories.

Every day I’m learning just how desperately people long to be seen rather than impressed. Sure, it’s important to use our gifts and talents to bring value to the world and lives around us, but this should never be fueled by the fear of insecurity, but instead by the desire for connection.

You are indeed wired for success and influence. I need to see you soar because it inspires the greatness in me. I’ve got some really good news for you as well; you can drop the act. You don’t have to work so hard. There is no missing hardware. You’ve got everything you need.

Believe me, there’s no room for scarcity where we’re going. Once you get there, you’ve officially arrived.

It’s time to start seeing the one in front of you; the one you may feel the need to win over. Look for the beauty and mystery in her eyes. There’s a fascinating story in there. Chances are, you may even know that story by heart.

Love & Gratitude,
Katie

How to Find Freedom from the Past

If we are shaped by anything in life, it is surely by the pang of painful past experiences. You know this pain all too well. The ones in life who were supposed to protect, provide, and nurture instead inflicted deep and sorrowful hurt, abandonment, and abuse. Expectations were dashed, self-expression wasn’t allowed, eggshells were everywhere.

In therapy, I hear the broken, brutal stories of courageous people who have somehow made it through.  They look for greater freedom and joy. They refuse to let their past define there present and future. I often find myself angry as I hold space for these stories to live and breathe, sometimes for the very first time. It’s never fair.

And this is the truth.  Injustice isn’t fair.  Yet I am learning it’s part of life.  How we deal with that injustice is truly our making.  The trauma of our past breaks us in a way that often feels irreparable-futile. Last week, I was driving to a meeting in Germantown and passed a street where I’d had an extremely difficult experience almost ten years prior. I felt my body cringe as it remembered how sad and dark that felt. My mind didn’t need to remind my body and heart; it was the other way around, and totally out of the blue.

Have you ever experienced this?

That voluntary and visceral reaction to a past experience that was so significant it was branded in your body? Trauma is stored in our bodies and is the reason so many literally block it out, having no memory of it until physically exposed to stimuli. We’ve learned to detach, shut down, and numb. Bessel van der Kolk, brilliant psychiatrist and author of The Body Keeps the Score, explains:

“Traumatized people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies; The past is alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort. Their bodies are constantly bombarded by visceral warning signs, and, in an attempt to control these processes, they often become expert at ignoring their gut feelings and in numbing awareness of what is played out inside. They learn to hide from their selves.”

This insight fascinates me as it’s helped me understand that we can’t talk our way out of healing from this “gnawing interior discomfort.” We must learn two things: how to feel safe in our bodies and how to forgive. I love using Brainspotting with clients to begin unlocking the process of re-attachment and develop a sense of safety in our bodies. It has been a game changer for me and many.

I’ve noticed the more difficult of the two is often the forgiveness piece, which isn’t a surprise to me. We think of forgiveness much like we do vulnerability: as weakness. Thus we choose to carry the perpetrators of our pain around, heaping tons of power on them. Oftentimes the one we need to forgive is ourselves, which can be the hardest of them all.

When we choose unforgiveness, we not only stay connected to the pain and its source, we allow our past to define us. Isn’t it time we put down that heavy burden? Isn’t it time we take back our power and re-focus that wasted energy on giving and receiving new, hopeful opportunities and love?

This week, I encourage you to do some inventory and see if there might be any lingering unforgiveness that weighs you down and holds you back from your highest self. Support throughout this process is key, so know that I am here if you need a safe place to process and land along the way.

Remember, you are not the crumbs of your past. You’re invited to a grand, exquisite table of the present moment to feast on freedom and be satisfied by love.  It’s a wide open space to explore and move around in.  You are always welcome here.

Love & Gratitude,
Katie
xoxo

Spring Cleaning and The Truth About Depression

I married a collector. Mostly of musical instruments/gear, tools (because you can never be too prepared), and memorabilia from meaningful past events in life. He is the most thoughtful man I've ever met, and very sentimental.  

I, on the other hand, am more of a minimalist. (Except of course, when it comes to shoes.) I can’t stand clutter, and I throw or give away the things that no longer serve a purpose in the present moment. That or I’ve simply gotten tired of looking at them.  

We never argue about this either… Ha!

Neither way is right or wrong; it’s just what we learned growing up. My family moved house a lot, and my mother is notorious for giving everything away. It’s lovely and drives me mad all at once. The fact that she “lost track” of my Grandmother’s custom designed (by Christian Dior himself!) frocks from the 40’s makes me cry and rage all at once. Don’t worry though; I’m working through that in therapy.

I believe there is a massive link between the space we create to live in, both figurative and literal, and the way we feel. I believe this to be true for the spaces we call home and work as well as in the temple of our physical beings. We must be intentional about creating space for an inspired, purpose-driven life.

That said, I also believe the opposite of depression isn’t happiness, it’s purpose.  

In light of this, I’d like to explore this idea of Spring Cleaning to create space for even morepurpose in your life.  

Here we are in April. The days are a wee bit longer, and the vibrancy of nature’s colorful fashion show is in full effect. Mother Nature gets full-on cocky this time of year.

The tendency is to dust off the winter’s cold and musty residue to make room for what’s to come. We edit our closets, our bookshelves, our fitness routines, as well as our businesses (hello Mr. Tax Man) in order to wipe clean the slate. I freaking love it.  

Isn’t it curious too that studies show a massive lift in depression levels when Springtime rolls around? The seasonal affective curse wanes a bit as vitamin D levels rise. We’ve re-engaged with the hope of something new, something better. We’re getting outside more.  

No matter the season, I sink into a deep and desolate valley of depression when I lack connection to purpose and passion. Circumstantial happiness might thrust me out of it momentarily, but it never sustains.  

This week, I’d love to invite you into a Passion Challenge, if you will. It’s a seven day invitation to connect to something you’re passionate about that fuels your purpose. You don’t need to quit your day job to participate, you just need to do a couple of small chores.

I’ll be giving you more in-depth instructions for the challenge later this week. For now, I’ve got a bit of prep work to give you.  

Identify the clutter. You know the stuff. It’s the fear and confusion you have a death grip on in that lovely head of yours. It’s the old programming of your thoughts that only know a painful past experience, and yet seems to dictate your current reality. 

Take fifteen or so minutes and do a thought detox by writing down all of the narratives and negativity that hold you back. Don’t edit or filter, just write them down in your journal. The “I never have enough time” and “I’m too old to pursue my dreams” and “I don’t know’s.” (That phrase seems so benign yet is a HUGE purpose blocker). 

It’s vital to locate what’s not working in order to clean it up and replace it with something new— better.  

Let this question light the way, “Who is the person I want to become?”  

Anything that clutters that picture should likely be in your thought detox.  

There is limitless power in purpose. It’s time to create lots of space to move yours forward. 

You ready?

Love & Gratitude,
Katie

How to Unlock Your Inner Picasso (Without Lifting a Brush)

I remember going to the Louvre in Paris about 15 years ago. It was surreal and magical all at once. I kept pinching myself to make sure A) I wasn’t dreaming and B) I was allowed to be in there. I didn’t feel worthy or something. I’m certain I looked like a total Parisian poser of sorts in all black and a bad beret. I probably had a pack of Parliaments in my purse just for kicks.  

Museums always stir up deep things inside me. Sure, the beauty and story behind every work of art opens up a whole new dimension waiting to be explored. Yet, perhaps the most moving layer of it all is the one behind the canvas; it’s the heartbeat of the artist I sense still speaking and desperate to be heard. It’s broken, tortured at times, misunderstood, and full of impossible dreams and starry ideas.  

There’s a world of vibrant story inside every masterpiece. The journey from each curious conception to its prestigious display has been a glorious and hellish one all at once. I suppose that makes every museum a universe of telling-tales—of palpable possibility.  

To be clear, I totally suck as a visual artist. I distinctly remember taking art class in elementary school and being highly aware of how inadequate I felt compared to classmates who seemed to draw perfect, concentric circles straight out of the womb. They also had pretty handwriting and non-frizzy hair. Go figure.  

As I have absolutely nothing to offer you in the way of painting stuff, I do have something you may deem worth trying on for size or at least reading. It’s less of a how-to and more of a concept I’ve been marinating in lately. I’m the middle man here to pass it along.  

I believe the reason we are stirred by anything at all be it a painting, a song, a Tedtalk, a book, or nature is that it strikes a chord within us. It speaks to truth we’ve already got living inside, just waiting to speak—to bloom.  

The reason I weep when I stand in front of Van Gogh’s “Irises” or Picasso’s “Women” is not because I particularly love irises or am drawn to Picasso’s color palette. I weep because I know a similar gravity of longing for self-expression and beauty that makes no sense and simply won’t be silenced. I must give it skin or voice or breath.  

Artists and laborers are similar in that they both use their hands, their skills, and the tools necessary to complete a project. However, an artist is vastly different than a laborer in that she creates with the entire language of her being: heart, mind, body, and soul. The laborer wants to finish the job. The artist is the job. She is fully present, wildly courageous, and draws from a deep well of emotional connection.

So what the heck does this have to do with you and me?  

It has everything to do with you and me.  

For starters, it’s a roadmap telling us the way we should go. Those things that move and stir you do so because like attracts like. They speak truth that resonates with insight and awareness planted deep within your heart. To creatively thrive (and yes, you ARE creative), you must be willing to listen to the cacophony of your emotions, the voice of your heart.  

If that sounds tough or esoteric, bear with me. Really, all you are doing is responding to the uniqueness and beauty that’s inside you. Sure, it’s often messy, uncertain, and highly imperfect and yet, no work of art was ever born out of perfectionism. Rather, the courage to listen…and simply respond.  

That being said, we have this incredible invitation to bring the totality of our being into the smallest, most mundane aspects of life.  

Artists must be awake to inspiration, wonder, and beauty in order to fuel the path they’ve chosen. Guess what? You and I must as well.  

The story of you is a masterpiece still being written. You get to write the next page. What will you create out of the depth of your desires?

I’ll leave you with two questions:

What moves you and speaks to you lately?  

How will you wake up and respond to that creative call to courage?

Love & Gratitude,

Katie
xoxo

P.S. Of course, I want to hear your answers!  Let’s keep this conversation going…

Happiness is A Verb: Three Ways to Get Moving

Let’s stop beating around the bush here.  Let’s be really honest about why most of us consume self-development or motivational content.  I mean, look at that fabulous woman pictured right above.  She appears to be living her best life, yes?  It’s as if the hair/outfit/leg/weather/and backdrop gods were all conspiring together for good; for happiness perhaps?

Hmm, maybe?  She could be the happiest person in the world for all we know (I sure hope so!). She could also be totally crushing it as a model with a killer team of people helping to create the flawless look.  Who’s to say?  

My point is, we often confuse success with happiness.  It sneaks in so quietly, so subtly, I’m guilty of it as well.  Today, I want to revisit this boulder of a dream I believe we all carry with us, albeit under the radar.  I want to get back to the basics, discussing what it means to live with intention and create happiness in our lives instead of expecting it to show up at our doorstep every morning, complete with a piping hot coffee and our favorite almond croissant (sans the calories, of course.)

Happiness is, indeed, an inside job.  

The two things I tend to hear when I listen to others talk about what they want, both in and outside of therapy, is more peace of mind, security, and belonging.  Often, this comes in the way of more money, more love, and less body mass.  I get it!  Typically, we confuse successful people who are wealthy, popular, and thin, with really happy people.  

Don’t get me wrong: money, community, and physical health are three big factors in contributing to overall well-being.  However, these successful outcomes are never sustainable as it relates to daily happiness.  

Success simply means achieving a desired outcome.  

Happiness refers to a state of well-being and contentment.  

They have two totally different meanings, yet we buy into a currency of contentment that makes them virtually interchangeable.  

Two of my favorite books exploring the science of happiness are Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, and The Happiness Project, by Gretchen Rubin. Both are worth the read.  

For your time-sensitive enjoyment, however, I’ve boiled it down and come up with three regular activities that propel happiness: this feeling of well-being and contentment. 

(Yes, they all start with “G” to keep it simple!)

Gratitude
I’ve never met someone miserable who consistently practiced gratitude.  In fact, it is nearly impossible to be a curmudgeon and also be grateful.  Try it.  In my experience, gratitude is the single most powerful and accessible weapon to combat resentment, anxiety, and self-pity.  I believe practicing gratitude alone for even just one day can set a completely new mindset into motion.  

Try it on for size: every time you sit down for a meal, think to yourself or say out loud three things you are grateful for.  I KNOW you can find simple things that will shift your perspective away from the weight of what’s bringing you down.

Generosity
Before you get all huffy and assume I’m asking you to pull out the checkbook, think again.  While financial giving is one way to be generous, there are so many other ways to practice this happiness magnet.  

The world gets really small when we’re only thinking about our well-being.  While self-care and discovery are a requirement for optimal experience, the act of giving actually enhances this well-being in a massive way.  They go hand in hand.

Writing a thank-you note, dropping off a meal to a friend in need, sending a simple encouraging text, or buying the guy behind you a coffee unexpectedly at Starbucks are all beautiful ways of practicing generosity.    

Grounding in The Present
This is a biggie.  I’m not just talking about transcendental meditation, either.  I like to think of practicing grounding as anything that helps you fully engage in the moment at hand, which is the only sure thing we have.  People are most unhappy when they binge on toxic thoughts that have no tangible trace of truth.  It takes us out of our power and places us in a projected state of anxiety.  

Letting go of this thought-obsessed existence by practicing grounding is everything.  Think passion here!  I am always at my best when I’m pursuing my passion because I’m fully engaged in something that brings me meaning, purpose, and joy.  

What lights you up? Even just committing fifteen minutes each day writing, playing guitar, practicing yoga, networking with others in your tribe, or going for a run outside will jumpstart a feeling of connectedness and grounding.  

Do these seem impossibly simple?  If so, that is intentional because oftentimes the hardest things to put into practice are the things that seem basic or obvious.  Your challenge this week is to do just that, get back to basics by practicing these three happiness boosters every day for the next week (or more!)

We are Ph.D.’s at overcomplicating life.  Let’s get emotionally fit this week through gratitude, generosity, and staying grounded in the present.  It’s Spring after all, and time to don those svelte dispositions.

Love & Gratitude,
Katie
xoxo