Debunking 3 Emotional Myths (and getting your power back)

I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, enjoy them, and dominate them.
-Oscar Wilde

Extension

Have you ever been so attached to a specific emotion, it felt like an extension of you? A third arm or something? I definitely have. There was a time that I battled such crippling anxiety, I couldn’t separate me from my anxiety: we were one big tangled mess of fear. It was not a good look.

Debunk

Today, I’d like to debunk a few emotional myths, how they work, and where they come from. Based on the conversations I have in and outside of therapy, I’ve pretty much gathered that we are one anxiety ridden culture, constantly living in our heads and feeling powerless over the unknown. Unlocking these truths has been literally a life-saver for me, so much so, I desperately want to help others embrace their freedom and live in a much bigger way.

Myth #1: I am powerless over my emotions

I know it feels this way. Oh how I know this. However, this is absolutely NOT true. You are in complete control of what emotions you feel based on the thoughts that permeate your brain. Despite feeling chaotic, our emotions are pretty formulaic. Here’s the breakdown:

1. You experience something that activates you
2. You make up a story in your head about what just happened
3. You feel a resulting emotion that supports the story you just made up.

It’s so unsexy and simple, just like unveiling that sad, tiny man behind the Wizard of Oz, right? If you look at that breakdown, you’ll notice the one piece that is clutch and absolutely within our control is this second layer: the story we make up in our heads.

If someone cuts me off in traffic, abruptly launching in front of me to take an exit and almost causing a head-on collision, I’m typically pretty pissed to say the least. Why? Because I’ve made up a story that they are selfish, impulsive, and have little regard for the human race let alone me.

Now shift that story: they just found out their eight-year-old son was life-flighted to Vanderbilt due to a horrible accident. Everything changes including my emotional response. If that was my story, I’d feel so much compassion and empathy, I’d pull over letting him pass and offer up a prayer. Anger wouldn’t be a remote option. We need a compelling, life-giving narrative. This is why I love Narrative Therapy so much!

Myth #2: People cause me to feel a certain way

Wrong. This one’s a biggie perhaps because the victim card is way more fun to play than is taking personal responsibility! No one can make you feel a certain way and this is such good news. Again, our narrative is everything. Sure people can try to make you feel a certain way and that’s fine. But because we can’t control the actions of others (sigh), we must shift the focus back to us, that which we have total control over.

This is where personal boundaries come in: knowing what’s okay and what’s not okay. Keep that radar intact as you move through interactions with people that constantly result in negative emotions. You may need to tweak those boundaries and graduate from an open door policy to a fence with a lock. You’ve got the key.

Myth #3: Emotions are tied to our circumstances

Lastly, but most definitely not least: we don’t have to wait until (X, Y, and Z) to be happy. If you need a reminder of this, go watch Roberto Benigni’s Oscar winning, Life is Beautiful. It’s an inspired and stunning film about joy amidst bleak odds. It will move you to tears and inspire you to hope, no matter what. Emotions are the result of the constant inner dialog playing over and over. If we want to experience more peace and joy, the choice and opportunity is all ours as we focus on thoughts that promote these emotions. This is the great money shot because now we’ve won this often daunting and exhausting battle with our emotions. We get to choose.

And now the fun begins, or continues based on where you are in your process. What are the emotional patterns you observe in your day to day? Are you happy with them or do you feel totally stuck and powerless? Slow down enough to identify the stories you’re making up in your head. Write them down. Do they need to shift? Well, my friend, the honor is all ours. Let’s go to town with this.

Love & Gratitude, Katie
xoxo

(Video) Lessons from Vegas: Leaning into Uncertainty

 It really is possible to thrive amid uncertainty. It’s not about getting advice you can trust; it’s about faith and self-trust — believing that whatever happens, you’ll find a way through it.

Brené Brown

LAS VEGAS

This past week I spent some time out in Las Vegas for the ACM awards. For whatever reason, I’d never been before. Perhaps because I’m typically not too into gambling, excess, and total escape from reality. Okay, okay, maybe I’m being harsh.
Truth be told, I found myself in Observer Heaven. The people watching alone filled up my tank for a nice long while. It was an experience to remember and I brought back a couple of insights to chew on as well.

I noticed several things about our fascinating human race, two in particular:
1) We are desperately looking to have fun. Seems obvious enough, right? Maybe. Or maybe we just aren’t having enough fun in our everyday lives so we go binge on it in Vegas a couple of times a year. Whatever the case, I’m reminded that just like cultivating celebration in our daily lives, we need to nurture that little kid inside who longs to simply have fun. We don’t need to get permission from Vegas to do so either. We could save some serious cash by simply practicing this sense of play and curiosity in our daily experience. Yes, we need to play more, friends.

2) We must lean into uncertainty in order to live authentically and fully alive. We are naturally wired for certainty, so this often feels unnatural and awkward. We even get a dopamine hit when we complete a perfect, concentric circle of certainty in our brains. Brene Brown unpacks this notion beautifully in her latest book, Rising Strong.

LEANING INTO UNCERTAINTY

In Vegas, people are leaning into uncertainty as they risk their hard-earned money in those dark, fun-houses called casinos. They don’t blink an eye; they want to win.
I want to learn from this and practice a similar risk taking in my everyday experience. No, it doesn’t include a slot machine or roulette table. I’m talking about risking the cozy boxes of certainty in basic, daily decisions of life. It’s scary and uncomfortable for sure–most unfamiliar things are, however, we’ll typically find growth and opportunity on the other side.

So, this week’s lessons from Vegas include having more fun and leaning into the great big unknown without having to get on a plane or spend a dime. Who’s with me?

Until next time, have a wonderful week!

Love & Gratitude,

Katie
xoxo

P.S. If you know someone who might like some extra support and encouragement, I’d love for you to invite them on this journey by forwarding this email or signing them up here.

Hiking, Stephen Colbert, and the Importance of Celebration

Each day holds a surprise. But only if we expect it can we see, hear, or feel it when it comes to us. Let’s not be afraid to receive each day’s surprise, whether it comes to us as sorrow or as joy It will open a new place in our hearts, a place where we can welcome new friends and celebrate more fully our shared humanity. 

Henri Nouwen

Dad

I woke up this past Saturday morning delighted to find a text from my Dad inviting me to join him for a long hike at Percy Warner Park followed by breakfast.   Despite having planned out my precious Saturday with a to-do list a mile long, I rolled over in bed after reading the text, thought about the generous offer, played a little pro/con, and jolted out of bed to suit up for the hike.  There was little debate in my mind as it’s not often you get to spend a whole morning on the magical trails of Percy Warner with such a wise, kind-hearted man as my Father.  This is the stuff of father-daughter date platinum dipped gold.

Conversation

I’ve always thought the best conversations happened while walking.  I don’t know what it is.  Maybe the flow of endorphins or the scenery or the overachiever in me that likes to kill two birds with one stone.  Whatever the case, I love conversations on the trail, especially with Gerrit.

Ideas

We talk about everything: history, family, work, music, God, and ideas—especially ideas. We’re both big picture people who are easily excitable when it comes to new ideas and figuring out ways to propel them forward.  I discovered the importance of having a strong vision for life from him, a consummate dreamer and visionary.  For this I’m grateful.

Power Chord

Something my Dad shared with me really struck a resounding power chord in my heart.  I asked what advice he would offer his 25 year-old self now if he could.  He said, “I’d encourage him to value relationships far more than ideas.”  That leveled me pretty hard.  SO  good.

Contingency

I’ve been mulling this over for almost a week now as it’s unlocked something curious inside me.  This relates to you too, so don’t bail on me.  We tend to run on a vicious treadmill of contingency living.  By this I mean we live on the verge of happiness as it’s always contingent on the next milestone or achievement we’re after we think will provide some level of satisfaction or contentment.

Carrots

You know the drill: once I lose weight, or make more money, or meet someone special, then I’ll be okay.  Yet a bigger, sexier carrot always seems to dangle ten feet after we’ve achieved our goal.  Often times I’ll get these great ideas (or so I perceive them to be) only to cross their threshold and be left in the dust wanting more.  This drug-like promise of “more, more, more” can be so seductive we often forget or abandon the most life-giving things in life: relationships.

Twisted

If there is anything I’m convinced of it is the power of our desire.  I want so many things for myself and for other people in this life it can feel overwhelming at times,  stealing my focus and energy from that which all this desire is meant to prop up: thriving connection with others.  We must identify the defining line between living freely out of our desires and being enslaved to a twisted version of them.

Dinner Party

Let’s be honest.  We all secretly want to be our own version of Stephen Colbert, right?  He’s so stinking funny, smiley, charming, successful, witty, and annoyingly energetic.  Does the man ever wake up on the wrong side of the bed with a bad attitude? And what kind of vitamins does he shovel in each morning, pray tell!?  If I had a dinner party and could invite anyone in the world to be there, he’d surely be there along withBono, Ellen DeGeneres, my husband, Richard Rohr, Oprah, Jesus and Audrey Hepburn (in no particular order, of course.)

Now

If I boil it all down, Stephen Colbert inspires me to laugh more, succeed without taking myself too seriously, and live in the moment.  This brings me to my question for us today: how can we fully love life right now? Not tomorrow, not when we figure it all out, not when we “arrive” at our ideal destination.  How can we desire and dream from a place of abundance instead of lack?  How do we long for more and stay tethered to the beauty and fullness of now?  I’ve got a few ideas I’ve been rolling around…

Meraki

Meraki is a Greek word that means “to do something with soul, creativity or love; as you would when you leave a piece of yourself in your work.”  I just discovered this word and LOVE it.  I remember training as a sous chef in a little local wine bar back in the day.  Hernon, the head chef, is Argentinian and made cooking a simple marinara sauce look like a sacred, sensual dance with tomatoes.  Imagine the Waltz of the Sugar Plum Fairies in the Nutcracker only savory and Spanish.  Hernon did not simply cook, he sifted in a heavy dose of his heart and soul into each and every dish.  He was dripping with Meraki and his food proved it time and time again.

Ooze

We must learn how to fully engage and celebrate the tiny slivers of good throughout our day.  This is more than gratitude, this is Meraki and it’s oozing with a soulful flavor only you can bring to the present moment.  Have you ever noticed how easy it is to live in a constant state of “out there”, or future-based thinking?  In my observation, we slip into this behavior like a well-worn pair of jeans.  It takes us away from the simple celebration of now.

Velcro

If we don’t celebrate well, we become hard-hearted, cynical, and often burn out.  This week, bring your whole heart into every moment, despite what you’re doing.  Be velcro for good news and positivity, not only receiving it, but stopping to celebrate it, and thus, sealing it in.  Practice laughing and smiling more.  We are maxed out on serious, folks.

Joy

I don’t know about you, but what motivates so much of my daily energy, choice, and action is simply to create more opportunity for joy in my own experience as well as others.  Sometimes I forget that joy is everywhere—it’s there for the taking! I simply need to slow down and faithfully tap into it, like charging an iPhone or something.  When we’re charged, we connect to so much more.  This joy is contagious, I swear.  So go forth and celebrate: the small, the beautiful, the weird, the unexpected.  Meraki with abandon and leave that authentic, soulful mark that only you can leave.

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

xoxo

(Video) Connection: The Roadmap For Desire

Hello friends!

I hope you’re enjoying your Friday.  We’ve got a little something special for you today to mix things up a bit and invite you into and exciting new season.  Spring and change are both definitely in the air.

Connection

Today is all about going deeper into our desire: those beautiful heart longings that effect powerful change in our lives.  I’ve put together a super simple video (read: iPhone in the living room on my way out the door this morning!) that will hopefully tee up our journey ahead.  I look forward to connecting with you in new, dynamic ways that will enrich your process and build out even more confidence and consistency for whatever chapter you find yourself in!

Failure School: How to Succeed at Failing

99.99999% of your fears
live only in your imagination,
in anticipation, and in memory.

Even if the ‘worst’ happens,
you’ll find yourself dealing with it in the moment,
responding from a place of presence.

You don’t have to deal with it now.
You’ll handle it then.

And who knows:
The ‘worst’ thing may turn out
to be your greatest teacher,
your most profound call to awakening,
an invitation to the kind of courage
of which you’d never thought yourself capable.

Fear isn’t your enemy,
but a signpost.

Breathe into the moment.

– Jeff Foster

Benign

I just googled the definition of “failure.”  Here’s the most comprehensive and concise meaning I found: “the omission of expected or required action.”  Sounds pretty benign, right—so matter of fact?

The kind of fear of failure I’ve experienced along the way has been a far cry from this bland “omission” situation.  Quite the contrary; it’s been a crippling and immobilizing force that’s stunted growth, joy, and relationships.  From the anonymous surveys many of you were total champions for completing last week, I know I’m very much not alone.

I’m fascinated by this unruly expectation we place on ourselves to avoid failure. So much so that I’m developing some additional resources for us to dig into around this work on a deeper level.  For now though, I want to pepper your thoughts with some key insights that have become a lynchpin shift in my understanding and approach to failure.

Expectation Shift

The operative word in the above definition is certainly “expect” not “omission” as it relates to our study here.  Why?  Well, simply put, because it’s the subjective that we tend to personalize, not the objective facts.  I either deliver or I don’t and surely my life’s worth and value aren’t tied up in that slice of history.

Bomb

I’ve bombed so many performances it might lead you to wonder if I had a screw loose for continuing in my early music days.  For some ungodly reason, I kept going even though it felt like cruel and unusual self-harm.  Strangely, no one ever told me I sucked or bombed it or should definitely not quit my day job.  I only received encouragement and kindness.  I realize, we are in the South y’all.  Nonetheless, I’m a pretty good read and they seemed genuine.

Fall

We’re so tightly wound and attached to the narrow expectation of who we should be and how we should perform that we lose sight of the incredibly vast and curious horizons that come along with the fall.

Have you ever watched a toddler on the cusp of walking? First of all, it’s high and hilarious art.  Secondly, the ONLY way their tiny muscles are made stronger is by falling and getting up—over and over and over again.  And we “ooh” and “ahh” and gawk like grown chimpanzees about to be fed at the circus in response.  Go figure.

Imagination

So why is it so terrifying to fail?  I believe it’s because we are afraid of the way we will treat ourselves and as a result feel in response to our perceived failure–our missing the mark.  Like the poem states, nearly every shred of our fears live in the stories we make up about them, our imagination. Our fears are rarely tethered to reality and we drive the shame ship of our failure…we’re the culprit!  Sure, the outcome is humbling at first, but by elevating our belief about failure, we construct a new brain pathway or go-to storyline that facilitates self-compassion instead of self-flagellation.  We don’t evolve by playing it safe in a mole hole, but by staying present at the crossroads of failure and opportunity.

Know the Difference

Before you go poking holes in my sunshine, I’ll clarify an exception to the rule. There are two types of failure, and I refer to failure at this point as something necessary for growth and success.

There is all-in failure and half-ass failure.  All-in failure is when we’ve shown up,  given our all, and  fully engaged in the pursuit at hand, yet for whatever reason didn’t quite make the cut.  The passion and effort are there, yet the outcome is not—yet anyway.

Half-ass failure, as you might imagine, is missing the mark without giving it a fighting, bleeding-heart chance.  We’ve all been there, yet it’s not a  helpful pattern as it ultimately becomes self-fulling prophecy.  Oftentimes, this is simply a good indicator that we may not really want what we’re limping for and redirection is necessary.

Failure File

This homework might blow your mind and/or cause you to become extremely frustrated with me.  Both are fine, just keep me in the loop there. 

I’m convinced if we’re not wholeheartedly failing, we’re not stretching ourselves enough.

I recently heard a podcast interview with a man (whom I couldn’t catch his name for the life of me) talking about this very concept.  He’s a big wig coach who guides super successful executives into their highest potential.  He gave his clients strict homework to fail at least five times a month and record those failures in a specified file in their office, a failure file.  (Mic drop.) I nearly turned it off.

Momentum

I wrestled with this notion for a couple hours, and quickly became OBSESSED.  Fickle, yes.  I’ve started experimenting so as to really put myself out there in ways that seem uncomfortable and awkward.  You know what?  In the process, I’ve accomplished some pretty daunting goals I’ve had staring me down for months now and feel a noticeable momentum shift.  There’s something to this.

And so I dare you.  Start your own failure file this week and go for one “all-in fail” to add to it.  What comes up for you even thinking about this stuff?  Dig into to; dance with it.  It surely won’t kill you.  If nothing else, your world will be so much bigger for playing along.  Go ahead, give yourself total permission, or homework,  to fail.  There’s wide-open freedom and life in that movement.

A man we know and love called Winston Churchill said it well.  He’s a mixed bag of courage, successes, failure, bullheaded stubbornness, and legend all in one. His stories and words have a vibrant life of their own well after his last breath.  Now that’s gumption.

“Success is not final. Failure is not fatal.  It is the courage to continue that counts.”

-Winston Churchill

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

xoxo