Five Mistakes to Avoid with the Enneagram

Do you have a funny taste left in your mouth with regards to the Enneagram?  I’m not going to lie, with its rise in popularity and the obsession with it in Instagram culture, I fear it’s become something of a caricature of itself.  If I see one more meme about type, I may just boycott it altogether.

Ah, but that’s not the response of a self-aware, evolved, and gracious person living in wholeness is it? No, it’s not…

The Enneagram teaches us to grow beyond reaction and choose from a place of responsiveness—and power.  

I do, however, want to point out 5 mistakes to avoid when using this tool for life and relationships.  So here goes:

1. Don’t type other people.  This is a biggie.  The Enneagram isn’t just about the optics of our personality.  It’s about the story, or motivations and beliefs that fuel our patterns of thought, emotion, and behavior.  So unless you are familiar with the deeper aspects of  someone’s core belief system and narrative, avoid typing them.
   

2. Don’t indulge your type.  In other words, don’t use your type as an excuse for bad behavior (i.e.” I’m going to let her have it when I see her.  She’ll never want to cross me again.  I’m an 8 after all!”).  We identify type in order to better understand ourselves and grow beyond our personality tactics.  
   

3. Don’t stereotype others based on type.  Again, this is such a rookie move.  To judge someone and make assumptions based on their type is a big no-no.  Just as there are about 100 unique shades of white, not all persons in a type show up the same.  Especially when you factor in subtypes, you can actually have two people who are the same type look nothing alike. 
   

4. Don’t force it on others.  Even though the Enneagram is a powerful, transformational tool, not everyone is willing or interested to subscribe to it.  The worst thing we can do as Enneagram advocates is to force it on others, no matter how much it has helped us.  We must learn to trust others’ process.
   

5. Don’t stay on the surface.  Even though it’s incredible fodder for coffee shop or cocktail party conversation, the Enneagram is meant to be applied to our daily lives, not just talked about.  Knowledge without application is, well, just knowledge.  

Love & Gratitude,

Katie 

P.S. If you’re in the market for a way to learn and apply the Enneagram, you’re in the right place.   Check out my brand new Self-Care & Enneagram subscription program called the Practice!

I Wish I Would Have Known This at 25

What piece of advice would you give your 25 year-old self? Sure, she may not have listened, but like any loving parent, you do what you can to steer your children in the right direction.  That head-strong seeker was only doing her best.  And yet today, you have matured into the space of a bit more perspective and balance.  You have a lot to offer your younger, stubborn self.  

Me?  I would have a spirited come-to-Jesus about how to relax into the unknown one brave and wobbly step at a time.  I’d tell her that having all the answers isn’t half as important as asking honest questions.  

Specifically, I’d love for her to understand what it means to have a growth mindset as opposed to a fixed one.  Less either-or and more both-and.  

As a recovering perfectionist, I’ve been all too familiar with what it means to have a fixed mindset.  Let me explain.  A fixed mindset is a way of thinking that is rigid and narrow.  It’s all about pass or fail, win or lose, good or bad, black and white.  It’s rooted in judgment rather than curiosity.  It’s refusing to take myself on a brisk 20-minute walk because I didn’t have enough time to do my hour-plus high-intensity workout.  

Here’s another example, you have your 6-month review at work.  Your boss gives you high marks in several areas but points out one specific necessary improvement in your performance on a big project.  A fixed mindset self-criticizes, labeling your performance as a failure.  A fixed mindset disregards the praise and zeros in on the area of improvement.   

A growth mindset celebrates positive feedback and understands the value of constructive criticism for future success.  A growth mindset sees life as a  slew of peaks and valleys all leading to personal evolution and expansion.  

A growth mindset is the petri dish that breeds resilience.  A fixed approach creates rigidity, closing us off from abundance and opportunity.   

This isn’t about glossing over reality.   It’s about softening your approach to  the inevitable ebbs and flow of life.  

Spend some time this week pondering this:

What area of your life could you stand to soften into?   Is it your relationship with food, your body, parenting, or work?  Is it your self-care?  Whatever it may be, I believe a great way to find out is to pay attention to our self-talk, that often nagging inner critic that rages on, involuntarily.   

Write it all down. 

I love what Tara Mohr says, “Where we think we need more self-discipline,  we usually need more self-love.”  

How to Beat the Winter Blues

Sure, the Fall is magical.  And it’s still one of my favorite seasons, all pumpkin spice jokes aside.  Yet, the older I get, the more I realize my need for light.  Copious amounts of delicious, warm, sunlight.  

I know it’s only October, and the days will continue to get shorter.   So I thought we could get ahead of this whole seasonal depression phenomenon by amping up the appropriate self-care.  

If we wait until January, chances are I’ll be bowing down to those cold grey stretches that make me want to hole up, listen to Bon Iver circa 2008, drink excessive amounts of coffee, and write for hours in my journal.

Bottom line:  The weather directly affects how we feel physically and emotionally and can wreak havoc on our overall experience in fall and winter months.  

I used to experience heightened levels of anxiety and depression every year when clocks fell back and the sun quit her day job at 4:30pm.  My motivation went on strike, healthy habits skipped town, and the feeling of loneliness was pervasive.  

Finally, I got desperate enough and took matters into my own hands.  I began advocating for my mental health because I knew no one else would.  Through personal research, therapy, and challenging my normal behavior each year, I landed on some powerful tools that supported a more hopeful experience when the winter blues started creeping in.  

For starters, Seasonal depression is slang for Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD…aptly).  It’s not simply “depression light.”  It’s a subtype or specific kind of major depression that is symptomatic with the changing seasons, especially fall and winter months.  

There are obvious and not so obvious reasons for SAD.  The ones we all agree on are simple though: with less exposure to sunlight during the fall and winter months, our biological clock can often get pummeled, leaving depleted levels of serotonin, a brain chemical that helps govern and boost our mood, and melatonin, that gorgeous stuff of sleep.

If you experience a noticeable shift in mood, physical activity, patience for people, energy level, sleep, and desire to participate...keep reading.  Likewise, If you are a human being with a heartbeat...keep reading. I have a hunch someone in your life needs your grace and support because they suffer from SAD.

Here are 4 helpful tips I swear by:  

1) Routine

Structure is the sensitive soul’s best friend.  For me, this means intentionally planning out my days from week to week.  In fall and winter months, it’s starting a bit earlier so I can enjoy more sunlight, even just 30 minutes.  

When emotions whip us around, assuming their throne in the driver seat of life, it can be so easy to slip into a victim mentality, feeling powerless.  Having a set structure, or routine for our days helps us reclaim the steering wheel.   

My morning ritual is everything to me.  It allows me time and space to practice the things that ground me like meditation, writing, and reading.  In the coming days and months, experiment by putting some new structures into place to facilitate a more ordered interior landscape.

2) Move

Daily exercise has officially become my antidepressant of choice.  Hear me out, antidepressants can be a very helpful piece of the emotional puzzle when necessary. They definitely have for me along the way.  However, exercise is one of the most effective and proven ways to improve overall mood and stress levels. Getting a good sweat also helps us sleep more soundly.  

It’s tempting to let workouts trail off, but I say we fight for them.  Make it a daily routine if possible, like brushing your teeth. This isn’t about rigidity, it’s about shifting our norms to facilitate more energy and vitality.  Plus, there are tons of streaming workouts online when we simply don’t want to leave the house.  My personal favorite is Tracy Anderson’s Online Studio, a subscription-based method, and Yoga With Adriene, which is a free YouTube channel.

3) Avoid Numbing

I get it.  When depression sneaks in, we often lose a desire for the things we typically love to do.  We want to isolate, sleep, eat, drink, numb.  It’s so much easier, right?  

Numbing out may offer temporary relief for our pain, however, we forget that along with the negative feeling emotions, your numbing strategy of choice also dulls the positive ones as well.  Happiness, excitement, and gratitude are harder to come by and we get thrown right back into the tangled thicket of depression once again.

4) Support

Replace the numbing with support.  Identify “safe people” who know and accept you where you are.  Make a list of two or three and reach out to them to let them know you’re struggling. 

If you don’t have said 2-3 people, a good place to start is therapy.  While I’m a big believer in individual therapy, finding a group therapy opportunity may be even more effective.  I offer several options and would love to support you in this season.  There is absolutely no shame in seeking professional help.  It is a courageous act of self-compassion. 

Hang in there, friend.  We must try to show ourselves the kindness and compassion we would a dear friend when the going gets tough.  After all, Spring is simply the payoff for all the deep soul work done during fall and winter.  As Cheryl Strayed says, “The useless days will add up to something.  These things are your becoming.” 

How to Find the Right Therapist

Today, we’re getting real practical.  Let’s be honest: therapy feels a bit odd, awkward, and downright uncomfortable in the first place. How in the world does one go about finding a therapist who will not only make the first wobbly steps somewhat bearable, but also turn out to be someone we actually like?  And yes, contrary to popular belief, you’re going to need to like your therapist in order to trust them, let alone experience growth and healing.  

I had this conversation with my therapist a few weeks back.  Whereas I don’t believe we’re always supposed to be “in therapy,” I’ve always valued the sacred space of therapy as a sounding board and a refiner’s fire so to speak.  In other words, no matter what season I’m in, I depend on my therapist to challenge me, call my BS (bullshit and blindspots), and serve as a loving mirror when the reflection I see is less than compelling.  

Whether you’re in a tight transition or a season of loss, it’s imperative to reach out and find the help you need.  As someone who’s sat in therapy far longer as a client than a therapist, I relate to the struggle of finding the right fit.  It’s real.  Today, I want to unpack this process as much as possible.  You’ve already got enough on your plate.

Prep-work

Before launching on your quest, there’s some necessary prep-work.  Oftentimes, it can be the most difficult part of the process.  

The first step is always to get still, spend about 10-15 minutes alone, and ask yourself what it is you’re needing in therapy.  This may seem obvious, but it’s not.  Oftentimes, we’re operating in crisis.  The survival strategies involved in crisis don’t provide much of a margin for conscious self-reflection.  It’s important to give yourself a small window of time and ask yourself (a) what you need and (b) what you want from therapy.  (Two different questions, mind you.) I find it easiest to write this pertinent information down in a journal or notebook.  This content will serve as somewhat of a roadmap for the journey ahead.  

Once you’ve taken the time to explore these questions, here are five helpful guidelines to follow:

The Quest

1. Logistics: Let’s get the unsexy bit out of the way.  First things first, you need to get clear on practical parameters such as location, budget, male vs. female, type of therapy (individual/couples/family), availability, and whether or not they offer a sliding scale or the opportunity to use insurance.  These will steer the next several steps accordingly.  It’s worth noting that while some practitioners do accept insurance, some insurance policies only allow for a minimum amount of sessions they will cover, making ongoing therapy an out-of-pocket expense.  Also, confidentiality can become an issue when therapists apply diagnostic codes for billing purposes.  Again, all good things to consider and inquire about based on your needs and privacy preferences. A helpful therapist directory can be found at   psychologytoday.com and often provides answers to several of these basic questions.

2. Referral: Ideally, finding referrals from those who know you personally is the best place to start...be it an existing physician, family member, pastor, or friend.  If possible, I always encourage people to start with their current sphere of influence when looking for therapist recommendations.  This is where I’ve always had the most luck. 

3. Style: Just like with dating, you’re not for everyone.  No matter how fabulous you are, you won’t be compatible with everyone attractive you meet (*sigh). I tell people this upfront in therapy all the time.  I can’t help everyone and I’m quick to practice transparency when I feel another therapist might be more equipped to support someone with specific needs I don’t feel qualified to meet.  Do you want a no-nonsense, directive approach in therapy or would you prefer a softer, more indirect style?  (Or something in between?) Do you seek a therapist who is faith-based? Do you appreciate someone of a specific age? These qualifiers will hopefully show up in the prep-work listed above.  

4. Expertise: If you’ve done therapy before and know certain modalities or tools that work for you, it’s important to bring this insight into your search.  Interviewing a handful of possible therapists is important so as to understand their approach and expertise.  Do you want to explore the Enneagram in your work? Do you need a grief or addictions specialist? Do you prefer brain-based therapies such as EMDR or Brainspotting?  Do you like talk-therapy or more of an experiential technique?  Do you need group therapy in addition to individual therapy and which therapists provide this?  

5. Consult: Most therapists will offer a free 15-30 minute phone consult.  You’re about to invest time and resources into the therapeutic process.  It’s vital to understand a bit more about the experience, training, and approach to therapy they have.  I always encourage this as sometimes we just need an opportunity to suss it out in a quick conversation.  Email is a great starting point, however I always like to get a feel for communication style and energy on the phone.  Having as many of the prior steps filled out is a bonus so as to be able to clearly ask as many questions as possible.  (Also worth noting, if you need to stay within a budget, therapists who are newer to the field or working towards licensure will often provide a sliding scale rate based on your income.)

And listen, oftentimes this “pre-production” business is a luxury.  Therapy is often a last resort as we find ourselves amidst chaos, crisis, and loss.  In these times, simply taking the brave first step to start therapy with someone and trusting the process to unfold as it should is all we can do. 

P.S. As a helpful checklist, I’ve posted The Cheatsheet: A no-hassle guide to finding the right therapist on my website!  Visit katiegustafson.co/cheatsheet to download a free guide.  

Oh, P.S.S.  This goes without saying, but I’d LOVE to serve as a resource for you on your quest.  If you have questions for me, or need referrals, I’ve got some incredible ones for you.  Please reach out.

Pivoting from Vice to Virtue

How does self-awareness lead to personal transformation?  This is a question I hear often. The answer is simple yet complicated.  Each of us internalize messages in childhood that shape our beliefs and impact what methods we use to get our needs met.  We adopt these automatic patterns of thinking, acting and feeling and rarely question whether they still work for us as adults.

What does this have to do with transformation?  Well, first, self-awareness gives us the capacity to take an honest look at our lives and learn where we need to focus in order to grow.  The Enneagram helps us unearth the why behind the beliefs that drive us and what our habitual patterns of behavior are. This, in turn, helps us zero in on where we need change.

And, as I am all about practice—and application—of the Enneagram, one of the best ways to use this tool for everyday transformation is called the Vice-to-Virtue pivot.

The Vice, or passion, is the emotional habit we get stuck in when operating in personality, or ego.  It’s the emotional expression of our type. This habit is often unconscious—we barely even know we do it.    

Each type also has a virtue, or invitation to higher essential goodness.  The idea here is to become aware when we are operating in our lower personality passion in order to pivot and choose to open up to your types virtue. 

Our vice and virtue work together.  Essentially, understanding both our vice and our virtue allows us to evolve beyond the entrapments of our personality type.  Remember, the Enneagram is not meant to box you into a type.  It wants to show you your type so you can grow beyond the limiting parts of it.

So, how do you pivot from vice to virtue?  This requires self-observation, self-awareness and a commitment to personal growth. When you commit to self-observation and focus on identifying your triggers and the compulsive patterns of your behavior, your virtue shows up on its own.  You become more receptive and the space for growth emerges.

This week, take a moment to reflect on your Enneagram type’s passion and virtue. What are they? Where do you see both of them show up? When you notice your compulsive patterns of behavior being triggered, how can self-observation allow you to pivot and lean into your virtue instead?