(Video) Lessons from Vegas: Leaning into Uncertainty

 It really is possible to thrive amid uncertainty. It’s not about getting advice you can trust; it’s about faith and self-trust — believing that whatever happens, you’ll find a way through it.

Brené Brown

LAS VEGAS

This past week I spent some time out in Las Vegas for the ACM awards. For whatever reason, I’d never been before. Perhaps because I’m typically not too into gambling, excess, and total escape from reality. Okay, okay, maybe I’m being harsh.
Truth be told, I found myself in Observer Heaven. The people watching alone filled up my tank for a nice long while. It was an experience to remember and I brought back a couple of insights to chew on as well.

I noticed several things about our fascinating human race, two in particular:
1) We are desperately looking to have fun. Seems obvious enough, right? Maybe. Or maybe we just aren’t having enough fun in our everyday lives so we go binge on it in Vegas a couple of times a year. Whatever the case, I’m reminded that just like cultivating celebration in our daily lives, we need to nurture that little kid inside who longs to simply have fun. We don’t need to get permission from Vegas to do so either. We could save some serious cash by simply practicing this sense of play and curiosity in our daily experience. Yes, we need to play more, friends.

2) We must lean into uncertainty in order to live authentically and fully alive. We are naturally wired for certainty, so this often feels unnatural and awkward. We even get a dopamine hit when we complete a perfect, concentric circle of certainty in our brains. Brene Brown unpacks this notion beautifully in her latest book, Rising Strong.

LEANING INTO UNCERTAINTY

In Vegas, people are leaning into uncertainty as they risk their hard-earned money in those dark, fun-houses called casinos. They don’t blink an eye; they want to win.
I want to learn from this and practice a similar risk taking in my everyday experience. No, it doesn’t include a slot machine or roulette table. I’m talking about risking the cozy boxes of certainty in basic, daily decisions of life. It’s scary and uncomfortable for sure–most unfamiliar things are, however, we’ll typically find growth and opportunity on the other side.

So, this week’s lessons from Vegas include having more fun and leaning into the great big unknown without having to get on a plane or spend a dime. Who’s with me?

Until next time, have a wonderful week!

Love & Gratitude,

Katie
xoxo

P.S. If you know someone who might like some extra support and encouragement, I’d love for you to invite them on this journey by forwarding this email or signing them up here.

A New Day: Respond vs. React

Mindfulness gives you time.  Time gives you choices.  Choices, skillfully made, lead to freedom.  You don’t have to be swept away by your feeling.  You can respond with wisdom and kindness rather than habit and reactivity.

– Henepola Gunaratana

Happy New Year!  We made it.  Whereas it feels really good to mark a new year with a clean slate and endless possibilities (so I keep being reminded of through Instagram feeds and my inbox) I must say, I’ve gotten a slow start to 2017 accompanied by a slew of contradictory emotions: relief, excitement, lethargy, longing, confusion, and tons of heightened expectations.  What about you?

How to’s

There are a zillion blogs out there.  I read a handful of them and I write merely one of them.  What I hope you will find different or inviting about mine is a certain level of transparency and vulnerability. I like stories as opposed to “how to’s.” It makes me cringe when I think of following zippy blog trends entitled: “three foolproof resolutions for your best year”, and “how to attract your soul mate in less than a month”, or my favorite siren, “Your extreme makeover starts here!”

King

I’m not digging on the dedicated and brilliant bloggers out there who offer hope to thousands through this approach, Lord knows I’ve been wowed often. However, with each passing year, as I show up for myself and my community, I’m learning something invaluable: extreme quick fixes are often just detours. Connection is king.

Carbs

In light of this, the “slow start” to 2017 I mentioned earliermay not be so bad after all.  In fact, perhaps grace, self-compassion, and connection are bleeding through the imperfect, jagged little edges of these young days .  Writing’s slowed down, work outs lightly sprinkled in, family laughter and Netflix watching heavy, carb and sugar consumption strong, and goals/intentions for 2017, still a bit foggy.  Strangely though, a newfound waft of acceptance and presence rises up through the air like the inviting smell of freshly baked bread.

Hustle

You see, I love extremes, or have loved I should say.  As a youngster, I was super particular, giving my sweet, saint of a mother hell if my pony tail wasn’t perfect.  It had to be just so.  Sensitive beyond words, I carried the unbearable weight of desperately wanting to be liked and accepted by peers and teachers at every turn.  I was hard on myself.  I didn’t much like myself either, learning to hustle big time to gain entry into the rooms I longed to set foot in.  One of the byproducts of this premature shame was a pretty hard-core eating disorder in high school.  What started off wanting to feel better about myself through running and healthy eating turned into a voracious and life-threatening battle with anorexia.

Whoosh

This is not a sketch of that journey; a different story for a different day, and a hopeful one at that.  This is encouragement for the weary soul or two out there who don’t want to buy into a billion dollar industry that tells us we need to change and we need to change FAST.  I’ve got nothing against new year’s resolutions and change for that matter, that is, if they serve you well.  In my experience, they always end like a hot and heavy, short-lived relationship.  I like to call them “whoosh” relationships: they promise the sun, moon, and stars, and then Bam! Like a cotton candy sugar rush they crash and burn when the lights go up and the curtain closes.  It’s like the jerk of whip-lash, the “whoosh” of a cold whip of wind.  I spent my 20’s learning all about that situation—not a good look.

Reaction Formation

Interestingly enough, I think humans find extremes far easier than balance.  We like to react out of fear instead of respond out of desire.  Marketing exploits this behavior big time, and anyway you slice it, they’re clever.  They know that people go off the rails a bit over the holidays and wake up January 1 with a foggy head and a few extra pounds.  Swooping in, they save the day with their slashed gym membership prices and 30-day cleanse program promising a new you in just one month.

We’ve been hooked.  When those dollars are spent and the motivation trails off the next afternoon, we go looking for another option, or some leftover toffee, whichever comes quicker.  The shame cycle’s begun again.  Perhaps I’m cynical, or perhaps I’ve had LOTS of practice reacting out of fear and manipulation rather that choosing what will truly satisfy from a place of mindfulness and connection.

Logo

If you jump on my website, you’ll see a logo and the story behind it on the home page.  My approach to therapy and coaching is built on relationship as I believe when we begin to soften and mend our inner dialog, healing our relationship with self, external pieces of life follow suit and eventually thrive as well.  It’s not magic, it’s a journey and one I’m very much still on.

Four Questions

Today, I want to invite you into deeper connection with you by asking four questions that will lay some groundwork for the edits and goals you may have this year.  These are adapted from one of my favorite podcasts “The Accidental Creative”—so good I had to share!  Being mindful of desires, feelings, and curiosities will take us much further than stringent rules and regimens we place on ourselves.  Without the “why” the “how” is obsolete.

Let this be a journal prompt for you this week, one you come back to over and over either to realign with or tweak.

• What do you want to feel in 2017? (i.e. energized, awake, confident, accepted)
• Where do you want to go in 2017? (This can be figurative or literal. i.e. I want to explore a new city, yoga class, or I want to go from full-time to part-time at work so I can spend more time writing)
• What do you want to learn in 2017? (i.e. I want to learn to play drums or I want to learn to meditate)
• What do you want to change in 2017? (Reminder: this is desire driven, NOT fear driven!  Approach this from a place of “I’m enough” rather than insecurity.  i.e. I’d like to build in more margin for rest and play into my life.)

Please please share your feedback from this exercise! When we give voice to this stuff, it solidifies a bit more.  I hope you will join me as I ease into 2017, listening, noticing, and responding to it’s inviting call to action.  If you’d like some extra light for the journey ahead, don’t hesitate to reach out.

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

xoxo

Palate Cleanser: Ready for Connection

Stay afraid, but do it anyway. What’s important is the action. You don’t have to wait to be confident. Just do it and eventually the confidence will follow. 

Carrie Fisher

Sushi

I hope this finds you healthy and hopeful for a beautiful year right around the corner.  I’ve taken some time off the blog this week for several reasons, but most importantly, to rest, recharge, and connect with family and friends.  I’m calling it a palate cleanser: like a cool, refreshing sliver of pickled ginger to prepare for the gorgeous spicy tuna roll ahead. 

Thank you

That said, I miss you!  I woke up this morning with a longing in my heart to say a quick thank you and communicate so much anticipation for 2017.  As we wind down this quite quirky 2016, I’m struck by the encouragement and support I’ve gleaned through this weekly conversation with you.  Your feedback and insight have been such a lovely gift, those I deeply treasure.

Fog

To be honest, the past week has been tough for me.  I’ve heard news of so much loss and death on differing planes; some I know personally and others I grew up being entertained and shaped by.  I’ve felt a weight of heaviness sweep over me and a fog of lingering confusion that just won’t seem to lift.  I want to learn and grow from it, yet I also want to allow space and time for grief to take its inexplicable course.

Let it flow

Stillness and silence are attractive postures for my weary soul as I write this; I’m learning that’s okay.  When we stuff and cloak the process of emotion that desperately needs to find voice, we end up self-sabotaging and suffering greatly as a result.

Heroes

As I ponder two childhood heroes who’ve left us prematurely this week, George Michael and Carrie Fisher, I ponder in my heart how impossible it must have been for them to stay true when the world kept heaping the burden of God-like fame on them no human should attempt to shoulder.  Sure, they bought in hard and fast, it’d be hard to resist. Numbing that inner cry for connection would only seem a viable option, a necessary evil.  I can’t help but wonder whose face they saw in the mirror as they desperately looked for hopeful answers and loving connection; an imposter of sorts perhaps.   And aren’t we all on this same quest? I think so… yet with far less limelight and paparazzi.

Fuel

Today,  I  want to reiterate how crucial connection is every single day: connection with self, God/Higher Power, and those whom we share this gloriously messy journey with.  I’m putting New Year’s resolutions aside this go around and prayerfully anticipating an abundance of  life-giving connection in 2017 instead.  That’s the fuel of life.  Sure, vulnerability is scary– a risk for sure. Still, I’d rather be known and loved, as painful and often disappointing as it feels, than be safe and lonely in a vault of stale certainty.  Let’s keep reaching out, friends.

Onward

I sincerely hope you’ll join me on the journey ahead.  It’s going to be awesome and I’m thrilled about some new and exciting opportunities I’ve got tucked up my sleeve for you!  Please stay tuned for updates in the new year.  I’ll leave you with my go to saying, or blessing,  from St. Julian of Norwich.  It always brings me back to center.

“All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.”

Have a happy and safe New Year!

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

xoxo

Holiday Grounding 3.0: Generosity of Spirit

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

Maya Angelou

I never start Christmas shopping until the week (or day) before Christmas.  I know, ludicrous.  I literally have an emotional and mental block against starting any earlier.  Call it procrastination, call it laziness, call it stupid, call it whatever you want— I’m cool with it.  I love a hard deadline and have always been drawn to excitement and adventure with a heavy dash of adrenalin.  Practical and organized are not typically words people use to describe me, quite the contrary actually.   Lead with vulnerability, right?  I’m also very cool with that.

Liturgy

That said, if you’re looking for a holiday gift guide, keep looking, this will surely dissappoint.  If you’re looking for a strong shot of reality to take the edge off all the holiday frenzy, I’m your girl.  I want to look beneath the liturgy of commerce, all the glitter and lights, and recover a far more beautiful and valuable thing.  Your friends and pocket books will thank you.   Let’s get grounded in generosity of spirit.

Gifting

This week, we continue building out the Holiday Grounding series and I’m super excited to explore the practice of cultivating an inner generosity, which sometimes manifests in the form of a pretty package.  Gifts are a significant aspect of the season, and there are two sides of that coin, like most things in life.  If the stuff of gifts sits on the throne of this Advent season, the giver and relationship become obsolete.

Have you ever received a gift and thought to yourself, “hmm, this is so random, I have a feeling this is an unwanted trinket of old excavated from the back corner of a misfit toy closet and i’m now the lucky recipient.“ It sounds bad, right?  Ungrateful, cynical, and well, totally fair game because we’ve all done it!  Chances are, the giver of that gifted object wanted you to feel special, valued, so they scrounged up something quickly to wrap, give, and communicate that thoughtfulness.

Love Language

In those instances, I feel so much love because there is no ego behind the gift.  It’s simply about the act of generosity, the heartbeat of that exchange—that is the gain.  What about you?  What do you love about receiving a gift?  Is it the wrapping job, the contents, the monetary value, or perhaps the intention behind the gift?  We are all so unique and there are no wrong answers. Gift giving is a love language in and of itself and how many of us communicate feelings.  There is nothing selfish or surface about speaking this language as your mother tongue.

Song

I love receiving gifts with a story behind them that were meant just for me.  Perhaps my most treasured gift I’ve ever received is a song my husband wrote and recorded for me last year.  Besides being a brilliant work of art, truth and vulnerability bleed through the lyrics, instrumentation, and production.  It cost him nothing, yet is worth its weight in heartfelt gold—it reminds me I’m treasured and deeply loved.  Leave it to a song to paint passions and cut to the core of our emotions.

Reality Check

That’s lovely and sweet for sure and I’m grateful beyond measure.  Here’s the deal though: for most of my adult life, the holidays have been incredibly painful as I’ve walked through loads of dark, chronic depression and anxiety, only heightened by the unrealistic expectations of all that is “merry and bright.”

Rat Pack

Gift-giving felt vapid, rote, even obligatory.  Sure, I still enjoyed the hustle and bustle of shopping and wrapping all to the velvety soundtrack of Frank, Bing, and Nat, yet my weak and wounded voice couldn’t fully join in.  None of it really mattered, though it was a welcomed distraction.  I’ve shared bits of that journey in previous posts, yet I feel it extremely important for you to know that this whole idea of holiday grounding, generosity, what have you, comes from a very sensitive and real place of pain—bleak days seen through a  hopeless tear-filled stare.

Certainty

Generosity transforms need into plenty.  I saw this growing up in my own family as we experienced some stark financial stretches.  It never mattered, my parents always gave out of their place of need, without hesitation.  I saw miraculous provision appear time and time again due to this lifestyle of faith.  Mom constantly delivered to neighbors, offered prayers for hurting friends, and they gave resources freely, whether in plenty or in want.  Though there may have been financial lack at times, there was always abundance and generosity of spirit—a certainty that faithful giving always manifests a healthy return.

Ruthie

Many of you are staring felt needs down these days: need for connection, community, belonging, health, acceptance, provision, peace, perhaps even hope to get through the day.  I know that feeling all too well, especially this time of year.  You may have finished your shopping back in August, but you don’t care, all you can see is your pain.  A couple of months back, my beautiful friend Ruthie Lindsey shared her inspiring journey through immeasurable physical pain and relationship losswith us on the blog.  Her poignant words bear repeating:

“If we lead from a place of brokenness, insecurity or bitterness, that is exactly who they will think we are.  But, if we lead from a place of love and wholeness, with compassion and strength, they are able to see us for who we really are.  I started to speak out loud the beautiful things I saw in people, places and experiences I was having.  I was looking for it and I was speaking it, and what’s so amazing is that as I was looking for beauty all around me, I was reconnecting with my community.  

The more I made myself get out of my bed and connect and love people, the less I was noticing how much I was hurting.  The very nature of pain is selfish and pulls our focus inward.  When I focused my energy outward, when I was doing things that were life-giving, things that I loved, I wasn’t thinking about my pain.”

Clarity

What do you desperately need to receive this season?  Clarity as it relates to our needs and desires is clutch.  I need healing in a few places of my life that feel very broken and unsettled.  I don’t know what that healing will look like and what form it will come in, yet I’m committing to a simple practice of generosity that sees the world around me through the lens of beauty and possibility rather than hurt and unresolve.

Name the feeling

This practice starts with intention.  What feeling is at the root of that which I long for and need?  Is it healing, or love, or worthiness?  Is it confidence, or chosenness, or validation?  In my case, it is relational healing, so that is exactly what I will give away in whatever capacity I can.  I’ll step into those shoes of empathy and see the gorgeous potential in everyone I encounter.   Like attracts like and that healing will come, I believe that.

Oil & Canvas

Maya Angelou rocked my world with this one so I’ll leave you with it today as a reminder for us to dig down deep into our unique brand of generosity.  She reveals, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”  Without a word or a deed, we have the power to be the reason someone smiles today.   Your essential self, your brand of generosity, is so special and the world needs to feel it.  That’s the most valuable gift the season.

Sure, that swoon-worthy oversized abstract oil painting I stumbled upon last week in Ed Nash’sBelmont gallery blows my mind.  However,  oil and canvas don’t exactly do it for me when what I’m really needing is a hug and to know I’m enough.  Slow down, simplify, and give freely from your place of need—it’s a most courageous act of faith and a magnet for the rich favor awaiting you in 2017.

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

P.S (I haven’t forgotten about last week’s homework! How’d you do??  The suspense is killing me… please email me, I want to hear all about it.)

xoxo

Finding Family: The Broken Road Home

You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you. 

-Frederick Buechner

I’m not sure if it’s the fall weather encroaching or the fact that I’m becoming more nostalgic with age, but something has been at the forefront of my heart and mind as of late and I can’t seem to shake it.  I don’t want to shake it.  It’s beautiful, complex, frustrating, exhilarating, heartbreaking, fun, weird, grounding, dangerous, and safe all at once.

 Everyone has it on some level and have been seriously impacted by it, undoubtedly.  I believe we must somehow, either literally or figuratively, leave it at some point in order to honestly choose to love and enjoy it in the end.  This thing is called family.

Longing for Camelot

What comes up for you with the mention of family?  Is it sadness?  Regret? Longing? Love? For me, this slow and heavy wave of gratitude washes over. It wasn’t always like this as my journey of self-exploration and wholeness have taken me through some dark stretches of distance from my family.  Of course there were disappointments due to impossible expectations, yet what I am learning is that many of those expectations are really for myself, not my family.  Camelot was always an illusive grasp away.  This post is a personal one; one I hope you don’t mind me sharing.  It is one of stark honesty and yearning.  This post is for anyone who longs for family- for home; anyone who may sit in a place of loss and loneliness.

This past weekend my husband and I had a marriage celebration for close family and friends in our hometown of Nashville.  We both come from large families and were unable to invite everyone to our teeny tiny wedding ceremony in California.  For this reason, we decided to have a small reception back home for those who couldn’t make the trip.  I saw relatives I hadn’t seen in years and met several new ones I had just gained.  It was truly special.

Late Bloomer

I waited until age 36 to get married.  Though this wasn’tnecessarily on purpose, it was absolutely perfect timing. God knew that all along.  I say this because I have never quite experienced anything like a wedding or shower where I felt the love of lifetime relationships joined together and funneled in my direction until the past several months.  It is humbling, beautiful, and a bit awkward as I always just feel I make things a little bit awkward with my pointed strangeness in the center of an outpouring of goodwill.  Receiving just for the sake of receiving doesn’t come naturally, I like to earn it.

The power of choice

I realize I am blessed.  I realize something deep and glaring and worth its weight in gold: Relationships are the most important thing and should be intentionally nurtured over time.  Sometimes this comes in the form of a family of origin; often times this comes in a family of choice, one we build.

I love how Elizabeth Gilbert puts it: “We must take care of our families wherever we find them.”  The truth is, for many of us, the word family brings up immeasurable pain and anxiety as safety and protection were needs that went missing in our family of origin.  In therapy, we spend a great deal of time unpacking that pain and trauma in order to rewire a narrative of value, love, acceptance, and possibility.  Needs such as provision, encouragement, affection, play, and structure were denied and as a result, had to be met elsewhere.  Survival became twisted resulting in unhealthy relationships, denial of our needs altogether, parenting aloof parents, acting out behavior, and on and on.

Bloodlines

I have been watching, no bingeing on the Netflix series, Bloodlines, recently.  Wow… Talk about some serious family dysfunction.  They (the Rayburn’s) make The Sopranos look like a squeaky non-animated version of the Flintstones.  It seems there is a dominant thread touching every piece of brokenness: dishonesty.  As a result, everyone is operating out of their own best version of who they are and what might be happening.

More of my story

In Falling Upward, Richard Rohr aptly concludes, “When you get your, ‘Who am I?’, question right, all of your,’What should I do?’ questions tend to take care of themselves”.  The first half of life is often spent grappling with identity, or at least mine was.  Hell, some days I feel the ballot is still out.  Our first mirror of identity dwells in the home and is largely held up by our families.  This is the natural flow of life and development, however not always accurate and/or affirming for many.  I have wonderfully loving, encouraging parents who instilled their values and beliefs into us five kids.  This infrastructure is necessary for ultimately receiving, learning,  doubting, questioning, and forming a collective of tested individual convictions from which we grow and live.

The Rub

This was somewhat of a brutal process for me as I had to lay down that inherited set of values from my parents in order to refine and embody a set that brought peace and congruence into my daily experience.  Anxiety, depression, and bouts of seemingly unending insomnia peppered that process.  As of late, I am seeing more parallels with that of my family, however, in the underbelly of that journey of self-discovery, perspective is dim.  This really sucks sometimes.  Mostly because it is a scary thing to leave familiar tight places in order to risk finding something more spacious and free…something that fits and sounds like the truth of our voice and calling.  After all, love looks an awful lot like letting go, so I am learning.  Control in relationships is always fear-based.  

The Human Condition

I can remember like it was yesterday sitting in my spiritual director, Gail’s office.  She had this big old winged-back chair with robin’s egg blue patterned fabric and a worn-in seat.  Her office felt like a dreamy English cottage or something; full of love, tears, books, a host of mismatched story-ridden antiques, and the occasional whip of tired laughter.  During stretches in my twenties I would sit with her and shed stories of disappointment and loneliness as if she had an “all better” pill to give me in the end.  Well, she didn’tand I miraculously was still okay.  I remember her gentle response to my wounded, longing soul, “You know Katie, loneliness is really the human condition and stillness is not the worst teacher.” I know, I know, I would reply with a deflated sigh.

Surrender

Coming to embrace this as truth has been a peaceful rendering for me.  Because we are relational beings who long for and are made for connection, we all ebb and flow on that spectrum of connection, energetically.  It is impossible to stay in a static place of fullness at all times. We are not machines.  I know this when I ask my friends how they are doing that appear bulletproof and fabulous on Instagram only to find out in conversation that they are really struggling with a deep sense of disconnection and sadness.    The rat race of keeping social media appearances may be a glossy and temporarily successful campaign, however it does not satiate the desires that well up beneath the surface after all those hearts and likes cease to flow.

Embracing Longing

There is simply no substitute for family: the one we’ve been given or the ones we have chosen.  “Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible — the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family.” Virginia Satir, family therapy innovator and guru, had it right.  I take that a step further and add this: the flourishing of self-worth and acceptance can also be re-created in families we cultivate along the way; those safe people who have earned the right to hear and bear witness to our stories.

This, like so many things in life, starts with intention and openness.  On your unique journey of cultivating family, community, and home, I hope and pray that you will not abandon ship when the space feels too big and the silence, too loud.  Listen to that constant longing and echo it to the world, though your voice may crack and your heart falls flat.  And then do it again, and again, and again.  You’re on your way to a place called home and that journey starts within.  You are worthy of connection.

Love,

katie