Better is Best: Say Goodbye to Perfectionism

Raise your hand if you’ve ever struggled with perfectionism. Though I can’t see you right now, I have a hunch that most of you have your hands up, either literally or figuratively in your heart where no one else can see you. Perhaps you’re wondering if there are bigger problems than perfectionism at stake. Oh, I’ve got your number, I’m a recovering perfectionist.

Perfection is so illusive, yet so tempting, especially for all you creative, high-achievers out there. It’s a vain and futile attempt to attain the unattainable. 

And guess what?

It’s impossible. Perfectionism is an overt, egoic striving to fill a covert, bleeding insecurity. If we’re really honest, perfection is just a scared man’s game.

I write these words with emboldened authority only because I’ve had a lifelong, toxic relationship with perfectionism. I don’t know the magic potion I sipped on so early in life to fuel the flame, but boy was it potent. I’ve been incredibly judgy and hard on myself from day one. 

As a complex and sensitive kid (read: dramatic), being understood and well-received always took precedence. Acceptance, personal significance, and value were—and still are— my drug.  I know, classic Enneagram four move!  

The temptation is always: “I’m doing pretty good, but something’s missing.” This kind of thinking has kept me double bound in the fetal position of literal and figurative dark corners in life many times. 

Anne Lamott is spot on when she says, “Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life.”

For creatives especially, this phenomenon is mass genocide. I believe this is because ideas and concepts are birthed in our thinking mind, which can be an absolutely lovely place to be. We have a brilliant idea for a lyric, a new workflow, a painting, a proposal, and we run with it, executing it immediately and seamlessly, right? Bam…so easy.

Wrong. My experience as a writer and working with other creatives is this: that brilliant little idea gets locked up in the thinking mind, stewing and marinating in all kinds of saucy possibilities and grandeur, so much so that it never even sees the light of day. 

Our minds are meant to be the sacred birthplace of ideas. Our minds were not meant to indefinitely house them, ultimately squeezing the life and breath out with quenching fumes of perfectionism. Social media doesn’t make this pursuit any easier as we get caught up in comparison games with people we don’t even know posting highlight reels from their otherwise normal life.  

This can lead to such worthlessness and defeat, we either want to numb out somehow (drugs, booze, sex, shopping, busyness, work, what have you) or we abandon our creative calling altogether. This is around the time therapy sounds like a promising option.

David Foster Wallace said it this way, “Perfectionism is very dangerous. Because of course if your fidelity to perfectionism is too high, you never do anything.”

I suspect you want to do great things: to be seen, known, and truly loved.  I do too. The only problem is, this requires tons of courage…and vulnerability.  Perfectionism doesn’t leave much room for them. 

What if we could aim for better instead of perfect?  To slowly build on the baby steps of gradual improvement...choosing the next best thing? This type of growth mindset leaves room for the successes, the failures, and the stalls.  Best of all, you hold the keys to your life, not some illusive, phony version of you.  

This week, what would it look like to choose better over perfect?  


Love & Gratitude,

Katie

P.S. There's still time to join me, Kuola, and Ally at our Self-Care Workshop on February 8-9 in Nashville. Sign-up today!

Say Yes to the Scale (not what you think)

I’m not a huge fan of the scale in my bathroom.  In fact, I bought a new scale for the first time in ages when I found out I was pregnant last February.  For the first time, I found it a bit thrilling (if not bizarre) to experience my body changing and growing as it housed my now four-month-old son, Tucker.  I mean, when else do we as women feel totally empowered to see that number increase?

Today, I’m not talking about numbers or that kind of scale.  This is not about how to lose unwanted weight you may have picked up over the holidays.  No, this is not that blog. 

There’s another scale I believe to be far more impactful to your health and interestingly enough, has better metrics than the one in your bathroom.  In fact, it won’t only help you feel better physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well.  

Oh, and one more thing, it’s totally free and portable.

Backstory:

I’ve spent my whole adult life in the pursuit of wholeness—integration, looking to find the solution to my own brokenness and ongoing battle with depression/anxiety.  That was my story for a long time.  I let the pain of sadness and victimhood define me while concurrently searching for something “out there” that would solve the problems “in here.” 

Perhaps you identify with my journey.

When I didn’t find what I was looking for (queue U2 “Still haven’t found what I’m looking for”), I decided I needed a different approach.  This quest proved to me that happiness is, indeed, an inside job, one that is more spiritual than circumstantial.   By spiritual, I mean the capacity inside each one of us to be receptive and open to something greater than us...something really good. 

After all, numbers on a weight scale constantly fluctuate and even when they give you a sliver of relief, that relief is only temporary and can crumble with life’s inevitable challenges just hours later at lunchtime.

What is this transformational work that can heal us from the inside-out?

It’s thought work, specifically, our thought scale.  And yep, you’ve already got one, you may not be aware of it though.

It’s been proven that we have the power to change our lives and circumstance just by changing our thoughts.  Why? Because every single thought you think creates an emotion in your body which results in corresponding behavior.  These behaviors, over time, build out your life.

If I entertain self-defeating thoughts all day long, those thoughts produce low-frequency emotions such as fear, hurt, victimization, and on the lowest end of that scale, apathy.  As a result, my actions that follow correspond with those emotions.  When I’m consciously aware of my thoughts, and choosing ones that are life-giving as opposed to limiting, the domino effect that creates in my physical experience is tangibly better than when I’m stuck in a pity party.  

Don’t worry, this is not about getting it perfect, it’s about becoming aware of your thoughts and practicing a higher quality within them. 

For example, it’s moving up the thought scale from, “There’s never enough time to do what I need to do” to “I’m giving myself grace to do my best right now.” (One I am constantly coming back to as I transition into motherhood!)

We don’t have control over all of our circumstances in life. We do, however, have control of how we think about our circumstances.  This matters big time. 

This week, I want you to play around with (a) becoming aware of your thoughts as you have them, and (b) practicing tiny shifts up the thought scale in order to help you feel better emotionally and physically.   It’s subtle, so don’t go looking for a quick fix here.   

Are you ready to shed the weight of your nagging inner critic. She’s heavy.  What thoughts promote willingness and curiosity in your life today?

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

P.S. There's still time to join me, Kuola, and Ally at our Self-Care Workshop on February 8-9 in Nashville. Sign-up today!

Is your WHY compelling enough?

Let’s be honest.  I have no idea what personal freedom looks like for you right now nor do I pretend to think I have any answers you don’t already know.  You are the expert at you.  
 
However, I do know what personal freedom does NOT look like for you or me or anyone for that matter.  It does not look like your best friend, your mom, your therapist, some celebrity, or Instagram’s suggestions.  Sure, feedback and wise counsel are important.  The catch is, if you don’t have total buy-in, it stays just that—someone else’s advice.  
  
Last week, I wrote about the importance of slowly easing into the new year, practicing healthy habits, not making extreme, reactionary changes.  It’s those tiny, two-degree shifts that make lasting impacts, like my wise friend Miles Adcox teaches out at Onsite Workshops.  
 
As a follow-up, I want to sit with a question this week that might help steer your ship in the direction of greater personal freedom.
 
Here it is: 
 
One year from today, if you woke up feeling full of excitement and confidence, what would be different in your life?  What would be the same?  
 
And here’s the clincher…
 
Why?
 
Take a few minutes to paint that picture either in your mind or a journal.
 
Maybe it’s a career change, a new relationship, financial freedom, physical health and energy, or maybe some much needed personal healing.  
 
Whatever it is, I believe acknowledging this desire is the first and most important step.  
 
The second?  Saying “yes” to it.  Every day.  
 
When we align with our heart’s desires, powerful shifts start to happen on our behalf.  
 
The follow-through seems to be tough though, right?  That’s my experience.  I believe this is because we lose sight of our ‘why.’  Or, perhaps our ‘why’ isn’t compelling enough in the first place.  
 
I heard someone say recently that if your vision for your life only benefits you, it isn’t big enough.  
 
Losing weight in order to have a healthier lifestyle and attract a new relationship is great—truly.  However, we can go bigger.  It will also allow you to feel more confident and contribute more value to the world and attract more opportunities.  It will help you show up in every area of life and be more present because you feel better.  It will inspire others to follow your lead.  We could go on…
 
In light of personal freedom, when your “why” is compelling enough, the follow-through becomes tangible.  
 
I love the fact that you and I are called to be the truest version of ourselves possible.  I’m not doing anyone any good if I wake up each morning trying to fit into someone else’s story.  I’ve been down that winding road. It’s exhausting.  
 
So, what do you say we do a bit of decluttering this week and leave all the other noise behind? Maybe It’s time to get clear on your picture of personal freedom and make some lasting changes.
 
Are you ready?
 
Love & Gratitude,

Katie

I Wish I'd Had This 5 Years Ago

I’ve heard it said, as writers, our ideal audience is us, five years ago.  So, at 40, I’m writing to my 35-year-old self.  After all, we write what we know.  I suppose the lessons of life take a solid three to five years (at least!) to really get into our bones.
 
This definitely checks out for me.  Whereas I value every leg of the journey, looking back I cringe to see some of the harrowing passages I traversed all in the name of stubbornness.  Five years ago, I was on a tear, hustling in about 20 different directions all in the name of worthiness.  I had one speed…fast.  Even though I’d come along way on my journey of healing and wholeness, I was swinging hard in the direction of impossible expectations for myself and my life.  
 
In fact, I was so worn out, my body started to slowly break down, manifesting all sorts of back, neck, and jaw pain.  Even though I didn’t feel depressed, my body began calling out for some attention as there was still some work to be done deep inside.  Sure, I’d been a therapist for a while, yet I needed to take my own advice and stop ignoring parts of me that desperately needed some love.
 
Let’s just say, I was seriously confused about the whole self-care thing.  I worked out hard, I enjoyed time with girlfriends, I went for the occasional mani/pedi, I journaled here and there, but I never fully stepped off the treadmill of what I’ve come to call my internal split.  By this I mean, my disconnection from myself and the present moment.  I was always somewhere else, “out there.”  Self-care felt like a detour— a delayed pitstop or something.   
 
Fast-forward to today.  A lot has happened.  I got married, had my first child, and woke up to the glaring fact that something needed to change if I wanted to actually show up authentically for my family and my dreams.  My internal split needed an internal shift.  I knew a different set of circumstances wouldn’t change anything.  For the first time in my life, I knew I had to quit hustling for my worthiness and start caring for the little girl inside who was flat out tired.   
 
I’d mistaken self-care for something to be checked off the to-do list quickly to return to life as I knew it.   It felt squishy—or weak or something.   It became a way to numb the soreness after a long day, like a couple of glasses of wine or a nice long bubble bath.   Whereas those things are lovely, they never seemed to make me feel alive or more me. Relaxing? Yes. Connective? Hmmm…not so much.
 
I wish I’d known what true self-care is five years ago.  I wish I’d had a roadmap, or ritual, to practice on the regular that was grounding, healing, and life-giving.   Sure, I did eventually figure it out by the grace of God and some hardcore burnout. Maybe this was exactly as it should be.  However, I’d like to break the fall for anyone who’s curious. 
 
I believe we get good at whatever we practice.  Resilience in life is really about practice.  True self-care is simply nurturing resilience and compassion through practice in our everyday life.  It’s about bringing our whole self online—integrating mind, body, and spirit. 
 
If you feel you could use a tune-up, re-write parts of your story, and revamp the way you relate to yourself in 2020, here’s the perfect opportunity.  Please join me and my incredible friends Ally and Koula at the Self-Care Workshop coming up Feb. 8-9  in Nashville.   Using the Enneagram, writing, and yoga, we will deep dive into what self-care really is and what it looks like specifically for you right now.  
 
It’s going to be so much fun and deeply transformative.  Me (and my 35-year-old self) can’t wait to see you ;).   

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

Open the Gift Inside

I want to take a quick minute to say a huge thank you and Merry Christmas!

Whatever your holiday traditions, it feels so important to me to take time out of all the busyness and hard work to celebrate those things that matter the most. 

After all, I fear as a culture, we’ve lost the art of celebration—and savoring. 

This week, as you may be in the midst of family gatherings, travel, or sneaking that third handful of toffee (I saw that ;), I pray you take a moment and celebrate the work you’ve done for you to untangle the false beliefs that have held you back in the past.  Isn’t that what we are tasked with on this glorious and often terrifying journey from the head to the heart?  Unlearning the stuff that doesn’t serve us anymore? 

Well, I’m proud of us!  We’ve been unraveling nicely this year and it’s time to do the important work of sealing it all in with love and celebration. 

Something that’s been stirring inside me lately is how to cultivate more faith.  This season, I want to unearth the faith and awe I had as a child.  The simple, yet stunning wonder that was there from the very beginning.  I want to unlearn a bit of the fear I picked up along the way.   Sure, it helped me survive for a bit, yet it has made my faith feel dim. 

Maybe it’s having a three-month-old (or my overall space-cadet-ness in light of sleep deprivation?)  Whatever it is, I love the idea of detaching from some of the “grown-up” fear in order to rediscover the childlike faith that’s our God-given birthright. 

This is good news for you and me!  Why? Because it means we’ve already got everything we need deep inside.   We get to rediscover it this season, and perhaps for the first time.  

If this feels weird and foreign, don’t worry, it should—letting go of what’s familiar in order to receive what’s new can be!  Your brain is not used to it!

We’ll get there, together.  We’re building this supportive community that will only grow stronger in 2020. 

This week, however, let’s celebrate—and savor—how far we’ve already come together. 

Thank you for joining me.  For having faith and putting one foot in front of the other, often blindly, in order to give yourself the gift of time and attention.  It’s important, life-giving work.

You are a gift to me…and I can’t wait to see what’s in store for the days ahead. 

Love & Gratitude,

Katie