Stressed out? I Got You.

When was the last time someone asked you how you were doing in passing and you replied, “Calm, inspired, and totally energized!” In fact, have you ever responded like this besides that time you were fresh off your two week vacation in the Maldives? 

Me neither.

Typically, the response goes something like this, “Sooooo busy.”  If it’s a Friday afternoon before a holiday weekend, it could have a hopeful lilt, “Good! Soooo busy though.”  

As a culture, we tend to deify stress and busyness, wearing it like a badge of honor or something.  God forbid we have margins of time, energy, and rest laying around everywhere.

In my experience, running on fumes of stress and anxiety eventually left me immobilized—an insomniac bobble head at certain low points along the way.  However, over the last several years, I’ve made it a mission to fully understand what it means to live consciously and in soft balance, connected to myself as opposed to running like hell.  It’s not perfect, but I’ve had some incredible findings along the way.

One of the biggest lessons learned is this vital need to balance out my relationship with all three centers of intelligence: mind, body, and spirit.  So often, we either live “out there” in some future state, running ops on everything that could go wrong in our minds or we’re letting our emotions drive us around all day while we ride shotgun.  Both scenarios feel powerless.

Today, I want to briefly unpack why stress is so harmful to our overall neurobiology and physicality.  Hopefully, it will be a wakeup call for those of us proudly touting our epic workloads, deadlines, and lack of sleep around like we’ve just won a Nobel Peace Prize. 

First off, not all stress is bad, nor are the hormones stress creates in the body as a result.  They ebb and flow throughout the day in order to help us adjust to the stressors of normal, everyday life.  Moments like waking up (no joke!), getting to work on time, giving a presentation, getting a traffic ticket, and even being surprised on your birthday all require shifts in our internal ecosystem to stay regulated.  

More good news, stress is highly manageable.  We’ll look at ways to do so a bit later.  

Long-term stress left unchecked, however, is a different beast.  Our bodies and brains weren’t created to undergo this brand of stress and anxiety.  In fact, in as much as we think we’re being responsible and hardworking, we are directly inflicting ongoing toxic wounds on ourselves.  This eventually will show in the form of negative, noticeable emotional and physical symptoms. 

Neuroscientists at the University of California, Berkeley, have discovered that chronic stress produces long-term changes in brain structure and function.  This sheds light on the fact that youngsters exposed to ongoing stress early in life likely will develop mental illness and mood disorders such as anxiety, depression, insomnia, and even learning difficulties.  

As a natural line of defense, our adrenal glands produce a hormone called Cortisol when we’re met with stressful situations as part of the fight-or-flight mechanism.  With good stress (eustress) these levels balance out once the threat of danger has passed and the body and brain return to normal.  

However, in a state of chronic stress (distress), our friend Cortisol has no outlet to release and the body stays locked in this hyper fight-or-flight mechanism.  This survival mechanism must be released physically from the body and when it’s not, cortisol levels skyrocket in the blood, declaring war on our mind and body.  

The wreckage?  Lower immunity and bone density, weight gain, sleep problems, memory loss, learning disability, irritability (duh), increased blood pressure, cholesterol, heart disease, and inflammation throughout the body.  

If that list doesn’t convince you, I don’t know what will.  Bottom line my friend, we must be vigilant in listening to the needs of our bodies and emotions and practice actively getting them met.  

Here are a few helpful tips that will reduce the effects of chronic stress and resulting cortisol levels in the body:

1. Regular physical activity: I’m an exercise evangelist.  This blew past vanity a long time ago as I experienced the direct positive effect daily exercise has on my mood and overall experience.  It is my anti-depressant of choice.  We absolutely must move our bodies regularly to aid the release of cortisol from our bodies and support emotional processing.   

2. Mindfulness practices: Mindfulness practices such as meditation and deep breathing are vital in reducing stress and cortisol levels.  Why?  They engage the Vagus nerve which signals your nervous system to chill out, slow the heart rate as well as cortisol levels.  Next time you’re in the death grip of stress, take ten deep breaths.  Panic cannot co-exist with a relaxed state.  Click here for one of my favorite meditation resources. 

3. Community:  Social interaction is a powerful antidote for stress and anxiety.  In fact, human bonding also triggers that Vagus nerve mentioned earlier, relaxing the parasympathetic nervous system.  Not only that, social connectivity releases that yummy hormone called oxytocin, which directly lowers the fight-or-flight mechanism.  That whole eight hugs in a day thing is real!

4. Laughter and music: Both are game changers and have been proven to lower cortisol levels.  Not only that, but they invite us into the experience of the present moment, the most desirable real estate on the planet when it comes to experiencing more levity and joy.  

This list isn’t meant to overwhelm you, but to offer you several two-degree shifts you can bake into your everyday experience in order to manage stress a bit better.  Often times, community can be the toughest need to meet.  I get it, and that's why I have created a couple of upcoming opportunities for you to gain a greater sense of connection and support.  Click here for more on that.

Last thing I’ll say before I land this plane: you are created to thrive, not merely survive.  If you find yourself needing to upgrade some self-defeating beliefs, please reach out.  I’m here to support you in any way I can.  Often times it takes just a small tweak in direction to course-correct and bring you safely home where you belong: Love.  

Love & Gratitude,
Katie 

How to Beat the Winter Blues

It’s a broken record at the moment.  I can almost expect it both in conversations with friends and clients every single day.  Chances are, if you’re living in Nashville, you’ve thought it or said it out loud yourself.  I’m guilty as well.  

Drumroll, please?

“This weather is KILLING me!”  

Sure, it’s January.  What else should I expect but cold grey stretches that make me want to hole up, listen to Bon Iver circa 2008, drink excessive amounts of coffee, and write for hours in my journal?

There’s good reason for this.  The weather directly affects how we feel physically and emotionally and can wreak havoc on our overall experience in fall and winter months.  

I used to experience heightened levels of anxiety and depression every year when clocks fell back and the sun quit her day job at 4:30pm.  My motivation went on strike, healthy habits skipped town, and the feeling of loneliness was pervasive.  

Finally, I got desperate enough and took matters into my own hands.  I began advocating for my mental health because I knew no one else would.  Through personal research, therapy, and challenging my normal behavior each year,  I landed on some powerful tools that supported a more hopeful experience when the winter blues started creeping in.  

For starters, Seasonal depression is slang for Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD…aptly).  It’s not  simply “depression light.”  It’s a subtype or specific kind of major depression that is symptomatic with the changing seasons, especially in fall and winter.  

There are obvious and not so obvious reasons for SAD.  The ones we all agree on are simple though: with less exposure to sunlight during the fall and winter months, our biological clock can often get pummeled, leaving depleted levels of serotonin, a brain chemical that helps govern and boost our mood, and melatonin, that gorgeous stuff of sleep.

If you experience a noticeable shift in mood, physical activity, patience for people, energy level, sleep, and desire to participate, keep reading.  Likewise, if you are a human being with a heartbeat, keep reading. I have a hunch someone in your life needs your grace and support because they suffer from SAD.

Here are 4 helpful tips I swear by:  

1) Routine

Structure is the sensitive soul’s best friend.  For me, this means intentionally planning out my days from week to week.  In fall and winter months, it’s starting a bit earlier so I can enjoy more sunlight, even just 30 minutes.  

When emotions whip us around, assuming their throne in the driver's seat of life, it can be so easy to slip into victim mentality, feeling powerless.  Having a set structure, or routine, for our day helps us reclaim the steering wheel.   

My morning ritual is everything to me.  It allows me time and space to practice the things that ground me like meditation, writing, and reading.  In the coming days and months, experiment by putting some new structures into place to facilitate a more ordered interior landscape.

2) Move

Daily Exercise has officially become my antidepressant of choice.  Hear me out, antidepressants can be a very helpful piece of the emotional puzzle when necessary. They definitely have for me along the way.  However, exercise is one of the most effective and proven ways to improve overall mood and stress levels. Getting a good sweat also helps us sleep more soundly.  

It’s tempting to let workouts trail off, but I say we fight for them.  Make it a daily routine if possible, like brushing your teeth. This isn’t about rigidity, it’s about shifting our norms to facilitate more energy and vitality.  Plus, there are tons of streaming workouts online when we simply don’t want to leave the house.  My personal favorite is Tracy Anderson’s Online Studio, a subscription-based method, and Yoga With Adrien, which is a free YouTube channel.

3) Avoid Numbing

I get it.  When depression sneaks in, we often lose our desire for the things we typically love to do.  We want to isolate, sleep, eat, drink, numb.  It’s so much easier, right?  

Numbing out may offer temporary relief for our pain, however, we forget that along with the negative feeling emotions, your numbing strategy of choice dulls the positive ones as well.  Happiness, excitement, and gratitude are harder to come by and we get thrown right back into the tangled thicket of depression once again.

4) Support

Replace the numbing with support.  Identify “safe people” who know and accept you where you are.  Make a list of two or three and reach out to them to let them know you’re struggling.  

If you don’t have said 2-3 people, a good place to start is therapy.  While I’m a big believer in individual therapy, finding a group therapy opportunity may be even more effective.  I offer several options and would love to support you in this season.  There is absolutely no shame in seeking professional help.  It is a courageous act of self-compassion. 

Hang in there, friend.  Each day we inch toward one more minute of sunlight.  After all, spring is simply the payoff for all the deep soul work done during winter.  As Cheryl Strayed says, “The useless days will add up to something.  These things are your becoming.”  

Love & Gratitude,
Katie

The Long Player

I’ve never met a single soul who made a New Year's resolution and stuck with it.  If you are that person, I’d like to shake your hand.  However, as a rule, resolutions typically don’t stick. Hence my lack of buy in. They seem reactionary and extreme...like damage control or wishful thinking...or both.  The psychology is flimsy, a bit like elimination diets.  You tell me I need to cut out everything delicious in my life and replace it with cabbage soup and kale, and I’ll laugh in your face to mask the panic attack happening inside. 

I need a gentler, more realistic approach to avoid the stress of such a drastic shift and ensure I’ll commit for longer than half a day.  

Again, if resolutions are the way you roll, my hat is off and this post may not be for you.  However, if you’re like me and desire lasting transformation in your life yet often lack the follow-through necessary, keep reading.  It’s deflating to see yet another year pass by and remain in the same place you were this time three years ago.  My theory as to why this happens is we are working with old flat programming.  The thoughts you had about yourself  three years ago are what lead you to who you are today.  

The problem with resolutions, or any type of short-term goal, is they focus on tactics rather than strategy.  They tend to advocate behavior change without accounting for the mindset–or belief system–necessary to support them.  

For example, you decide you’d like to learn to play the cello this year.  You’ve always loved its hauntingly beautiful sound and every time you listen to Yo-Yo Ma, you weep.  This is your new calling in life and 2019 is the year you own it.  You hire a teacher, buy a cello, set up a space in your home office to practice, apologize in advance for the ruckus about to be made to anyone living in close quarters, and get right to it.   

Three months in, deadlines at work are foreboding, the kids are struggling in school, and your precious sleep dwindles as you lie awake in bed playing mental Tetris to rig the next day’s schedule together.  What gives? Your dream of playing Royal Albert Hall next February.  

Why? Because your identity allows you to opt out.  You’re a working mom learning to play cello as opposed to a practicing cellist.  

When dreams are challenged by circumstance, it’s dig deep time.  We must practice our beliefs about the goal rather than just strive to reach the goal itself. If I stretch my identity and think bigger about my goal, I’m not thrown off course when my day(s) gets hijacked by unexpected interruptions, and they will. 

What is the transformation you long to see this next year?  Is it your health, finances, relationship status, or entrepreneurial success?  Here’s an idea: set longer term goals if they are really important to you.  Zoom out a bit and practice seeing yourself as the cellist with the supporting thoughts and beliefs necessary for that desired outcome.  Consistent action will follow and sustain only if your belief about yourself can support it.  Otherwise, you’ll act out of urgency instead of desire—scarcity instead of enough.    

January one is right around the corner.  Let’s do it differently.  Why wait? 

Today—and everyday—is your stage.  Be the long player, not just the stand in.  

Love & Gratitude,
Katie

Upper Management: How to Lead your Life

If there is anything I've learned from my own winding journey of emotional and spiritual  integration, it is the importance of ritual—or practice.  How do I take full responsibility for my experience, and in doing so, create the life I desire as opposed to a life I settle for?  It’s the difference between leading your life and merely managing it. I believe we close this gap by developing self-awareness through simple practices.

Chances are, if you’re reading blogs about emotional health and wellness such as this one, or have sought therapy at some point, you’re a leader.  Why? Because you are actively participating in cultivating the hidden potential in your life.  You’re finding your edge and sharpening it.  

I like Brené Brown's definition of a leader in her latest book, Dare to Lead: “Anyone who takes responsibility for finding the potential in people and processes, and who has the courage to develop that potential.” 

Sounds doable, right? Within reach?  Without a doubt, I believe it absolutely is. 

Hold up though.  If you and I are going to be leaders, developing and speaking into the lives of others, don’t we first need to lead our own lives fairly well? Otherwise, we prop up a flimsy facade of ego and lack the deep roots of character and credibility necessary to sustain leadership from a place of truth and integrity.  

So here we are, headed full-throttle into the glorious blur of the Holiday season.  For me, this time of year resembles a dialed-in dance with Upper Management.  By this I mean, the steady samba of forgetfulness—losing touch with all those grounding practices and rituals that keep me connected to presence and structure {read: sanity} throughout the months leading up.  I start managing my life instead of leading it, like a crazed Sugar Plum Fairy twirling to Tchaikovsky on repeat.  Can I get a witness?

How then do we slow down that dance and lead from a place of intention instead of reaction? I’m convinced the unsexy truth is we get really good at practice.  

Practice what??

I’ve got three uber simple rituals for you to practice this week. Feeling frisky? Commit to six weeks that will carry you, soaring high right into the new year.

1. First thought: When your eyeballs pop open first thing in the morning, guess what? A first thought also starts to percolate.  That first thought has the power to steer your day either north to Mt. Abundance, or south, to Lake Scarcity.  You have creative license to craft that thought, coloring the trajectory of your day.  If that thought is, “I’m just so tired and didn’t get enough sleep.” Guess which direction you're headed? Yep… straight south to scarcity.  You’re in the driver's seat though, so take one minute first thing in the morning, to carefully choose the thought that will direct your day in the right direction.  The scenery is much better on this route, I promise.

2. Gratitude: Throughout the day, take three one-minute breaks and identify at least three things you are grateful for in the moment.  Meal times are ideal to practice this as we (hopefully) slow down and hop off the treadmill of our day.  The goal here is to keep them simple (i.e. lungs that work, food to eat, a new day, a job or hobby, a dear friend).

3. Belly-breathing: It’s fascinating to me that as a culture, we largely suck at breathing.  Our overall vitality and quality of life immediately improves when we practice deep, steady breathing.  But guess what?  We’re just. so. busy.  I’m calling BS on busy.  For at least one minute each day, practice slow, belly-breathing.  Breathing into our belly, or body’s center of intelligence, brings a tangible feeling of groundedness.  Place your hand on your belly and feel it rise and fall, like a cashed-out kid at naptime.  We’re often so disconnected from our bodies, which stunts us from experiencing the fullness of each moment.  Belly-breathing is the quickest way to connect us back to presence and the intelligent knowing of our bodies.

If these seem too pedestrian—or basic—as you step into CEO of YOU, guess what?  Get over it.  Tough love, my friend.  The best musicians in the world got that way because they nailed the basics, and still practice them. We’re all guilty of getting in our own way by not practicing what we preach. I’m pretty sure I wrote the book on self-sabotage.  However, now is the time to return to the basics and start leading a life that inspires hope and desire.  My challenge to you is this: have the courage to do the small things that lead to big change.  Inspire yourself so much that others start to lean into your light and see themselves in a new, empowered way.  I’m pretty sure that’s called an icon.  Greatness starts off small and grows in that light. 

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

Dancing With Shadows

I grew up in the crown jewel of the deep south, Mobile, AL.  We did many strange things like take ballroom dancing in fifth grade.  Yes, you heard me, fifth grade. It was hands down the most awkward thing I’d experienced until then, and I’ve always felt at home on a dance floor.

This was different though.  Kids from a couple neighboring schools would gather on a Thursday night at 5 o’clock in a big gymnasium at St. Ignatius Catholic church and learn all the old-school couples' dances like the fox trot, waltz, and others I’ve purposely erased from my memory.  The most unbearable part of it wasn’t learning the dances, it was learning the dances with the boys.  They were hyper, smelly, and had no rhythm.  They also thought they were beyond cool.  Ya’ll, it was torture.  My favorite part of the night was when I spotted my mom’s minivan headlights in the carpool line.  She’d swoop in and pick me up and then we’d proceed to Checkers for the long-awaited chocolate milkshake(s).  I had to take the edge off somehow. 

Learning to dance with our shadow, or shameful parts, can feel just as unpleasant.  Oh you’ve got them too, I promise.  They are those parts of us we’d rather not talk about.  In fact, we try desperately to hide them from the world around us.  They are the parts of you that you swear, if someone saw, they’d ultimately reject.  It might cost you their affection—their acceptance.  You'd be exposed…and deemed unloveable. 

For so long, I tried to hide and change the fact that I was a quiet observer as opposed to the popular party girl.  Large groups of girls made me uncomfortable. I absolutely hated summer camp, gossip, and sleep-overs.  I followed southern suit and joined a sorority in college, but it was really more for my mother than for me.  Eventually, I dropped out but nearly died trying to show up and fit in.  I’d much rather hang with my older friend, Liz.  We’d smoke Marlboro lights, listen to Dave Matthews, and talk about evolved things like boys, music, and what we dreamed of doing when we “grew up.”

More recently in my late thirties, I’ve felt shame around not taking the traditional route as a stay-at-home mom.  Instead, I’ve chosen, albeit indirectly, to focus on my career, (or that’s what I tell myself and others). At 39, I may or may not ever be a mother of children. Even though the ballot’s still out, this feels a bit shameful to me.  Regardless, I build up the more admirable, palatable case that, “I’ve chosen to build out other areas of my life.” It feels cleaner—safer.  At the core, however, this is really my shadow part and her name is inadequacy.  I’ve never really cared for her.

What are the shadow parts you’d rather forget about?  Is it depression, body shame, singleness, or even sexual trauma as a child?  If so, I can fully resonate with you.  Guess what?  Just like the smelly boys at ballroom, we’ve got to learn to lean in, let go, and learn to dance with them.  

One of my favorite concepts in self-development is integration.  This feels incredibly expansive and powerful to me.  The less compartmentalized, or fragmented we are, the more integrated and whole we will become.  Just as we are made up of hundreds of different body parts, muscles, and organs, we also have so many different parts of our emotional, relational, and creative beings.  

Oftentimes in therapy sessions with clients, these parts come up.  Take anxiety for example.  Anxiety is an emotion, or part of us that can be immobilizing.  The common misconception is in order to deal with anxiety, we must numb, fix, or run from it.  But anxiety is really just a shadow part of us that needs compassion and understanding just like, say, the creative part of us.  When we stuff our anxiety and try to avoid it, we really just give it more power and as a result, create imbalance.

What might dancing with this anxious shadow look like?  Well, first we must listen to and get to know it.  This allows us to cultivate empathy for that anxious part of us.  After all, she has been working overtime for a while now to keep us performing, staying safe and “on the ball.”  

Shadow work is really a reckoning with parts of ourselves we’ve misjudged for a long time.  The payoff is wholeness—flow.  It’s realizing those parts we’ve been hiding for so long aren’t so terrible after all.  In fact, they end up being the best parts because they are the most loving, consistent teachers.  

That anxious part of you desperately wants you to see her for who she really is: someone who deeply cares about your future yet may go about it clumsily.  She wants you to sit with her, commune with her, and realize the worst thing that can happen isn’t so bad in the end because you have other resilient parts of you that can step in and take over when she needs to sit the next song out.  

Second, simply take a minute and visualize the part of you that you dislike, a lot.  Perhaps you feel guilty about this part or constantly judge her.  What does she look like?  What is she doing?  How does she seem? In the same minute, take one step towards her… then another, and another.  You left her alone a long time ago and she feels abandoned, even scared.  She knows you dislike her but she desperately longs to know you and play on the same team.  She needs you big time.  

If this feels completely terrifying, it should.  Your brain is freaking out because it has no idea what it’s doing.  Hang in there though, this is perhaps the most life-giving work you’ve ever done.  Dancing with strangers or smelly boys is probably not on your bucket list. But I bet I know what is…

To be loved…fully.

Love & Gratitude,

Katie