This Is Us

I didn’t become a therapist because I felt I’d be any good, saw myself as hyper-empathic, or wiser than the next gal.  Far from it!  In fact, when I started grad school, I had about as much confidence in myself as a three-legged cat.  There were obstacles.

I became a therapist because I knew I had too.  And for some unidentified reason, I desperately wanted to.  It was and is part of my calling.  

I’ll never forget my very first therapist.  Her name was Angie Smith and I thought she was the bee’s knees.  I was 15 and losing a battle to anorexia nervosa, the presenting iteration of my chronic depression at the time.  We lived in Mobile, Alabama, an unapologetically southern town dripping with Spanish moss and too many syllables.  Lovely? Indeed.  Progressive? Not so much.  I’d never heard of “therapy” before.  I also kept the fact I was in it (and taking medication for depression) on the DL.  High school is brutal enough.

My work with Angie made a lasting impact on my life and work.  I’d meet with her every Wednesday at 2pm, and when I left, I noticed a vague sense of hope well up inside.  This wasn’t because I got to leave school early either.  It ran deeper—it was a feeling I would slowly build on throughout my recovery.

Angie had also suffered from and overcome an eating disorder. Yet today, she seemed so put together—and pretty.  Not to mention she was from Nashville where she’d been a singer-songwriter for many years. So she was smart, pretty, and cool...a triple threat, but in the most inviting way.  

In our work together, I learned the value of having a safe space and person to tell my story to and feel unconditional love and acceptance on the other side.  I was lucky enough to have this from my parents (and big sister when we weren’t fighting over clothes), yet to have a totally objective experience without emotional ties or history was something profound. 

Fast forward a decade and some change.  Thankfully, I’d gotten a handle on my relationship with food. However depression still clung tightly, like a red-faced, wailing toddler to his mom the first day at pre-school drop-off.  

Sure, I’d been in and out of therapy the whole time, and Lord knows it had been a lifeline.  Yet individual therapy didn’t fix my loneliness.  Isolation was often how I’d cope with the sadness and 50 minutes of talk therapy every week or two just didn’t cut it.  This wasn’t a reflection on my therapist either.  In my book, I worked with some of the best.  

I discovered something shocking: I’d been hiding behind therapy.  Mind you, it wasn’t the worst place to hide, it just wasn’t giving me the context to practice the insight and tools I’d been gaining with other humans who might possibly relate.  

Now that was a new concept, and a terrifying one at that.  Yet my depression had become life-threatening once again and I didn’t have a choice.  

Enter Onsite workshops, a beautiful treatment facility right outside Nashville specializing in experiential group therapy.  Just like Angie, Onsite left an unforgettable imprint on me.  It was the ultimate reset button I needed and showed me the vital importance of experiencing healing in community. 

Make no mistake, I wholeheartedly believe in the power and necessity found in individual therapy.  I'm not saying we throw the baby out with the bathwater.  However, I do feel it's simply not enough to get the optimal results we're looking for in our lives.  I believe we need a layered approach consisting of individual and group work.

Before you call it a day and hit the snooze button on this post, hear me out.  This is all about you and me and how we work together in order to bring more wholeness and connection into our daily experience.  

This year, I’m changing up the way I work so as to provide a more holistic prescription that facilitates deeper connection with self and others.  This new model is based on the belief that EVERYTHING is relational—everything.  From relationship with self, to others, to food, to work, to emotions, and so on.  

If this is true, (and it is), we must learn to grow and heal in relationship and community, not isolation.  To that end, I’m thrilled to share with you what I’ve been designing these last few years based on tons of research and inspiration from you.  

Later this month, I’ll be rolling out the specifics and an opportunity for you to take part. For today’s purposes, get excited!  It’s going to be loads of fun and involves three core principles I believe to be the most powerful for the journey we’re on: community, experiential therapy, and the Enneagram.  

Indeed, this is your year to tell your story, be seen, be known, and be loved. But even more, it's our year...2019, this is us.  

Love & Gratitude,
Katie

Reaction Formation

Back in May, I attended an Enneagram retreat led by Ian Cron, author, Enneagram Jedi, songwriter, priest, and therapist. (Yeah, he’s a real bump on a log.) It’s taken me nearly a month to fully unpack it… SO good. I consider myself an Enneagram enthusiast. I’m no expert, yet I’m eager to grow that base of knowledge because I still feel, after a decade of self-study and implementation, it is the most powerful tool for self-understanding and transformation we have. Ian took around forty of us deeper into the tool over the course of two and a half days, and I’m beyond grateful for the new and powerful insight gleaned.

One of the many golden nuggets I walked away with was the above Victor Frankl quote. It kills me. I sincerely believe that most of our perceived problems would dissolve if we cultivated, or grew, that space between what life throws at us and how we respond. Let’s stop right there. Even just the word “respond” is generous. I tend to default to cruise-control living more days than not, reacting out of emotion instead of responding out of presence. Why? Because the space between the stimulus and response is so stinking small! What is not so small, however, is the old ego blaring at full-volume when I live like this. 

For example, let’s look at a scenario we can all relate to—traffic. If you live in a large-ish city like Nashville (especially in the last 2-3 years), chances are, you have been tweaked by traffic. One of my absolute biggest pet peeves is when I’m stopped at a four-way stop and instead of obeying traffic laws, people try to be sweet and “let you go” when it’s not your turn. I’m all for southern charm and hospitality, but somebody’s going to get hurt if we all play nice instead of following the basic order.

This happened the other day. A well-meaning lady in a heavy black sedan with red lipstick and statement earrings sat across from me at a four-way stop. It was her turn to go. She flashed a toothy grin my way and waved her hand for me to go. I mean come ON. I played along but rolled my eyes and may have even shrugged my shoulders very dramatically. Small space alert! I reacted out of frustration instead of responding from curiosity and openness. Ew.

I was also asleep in trans, living out of a really crappy story that read something like this, “Why are people so lame? She should see traffic laws (and life for that matter) the way I do.”  

Zero compassion. Zero patience. Bags of judgement.  

Sure, anger was at the surface. But guess what was really going on underneath that jagged reaction? The real underlying story was fear. It went something like this, “Things won’t work out unless I try to control them.”  

Do you have a particular narrative that gets you into trouble?

Here’s some good news: the thing that separates us as humans from animals is the ability to make up stories. We’ve also been given the glorious gift of imagination in order to write them well. Guess what we need in order to write good and truthful stories? We need space. Why? Because we write best out of stillness, not chaos. Also, because reactionary, fear-based living will drive us mad (and others away). 

If you and I are courageous enough to sit in that space, feel our feelings, and simply observe the moment at hand, we have stepped out of ego— the need for control—and into the freedom of essence. By essence, I’m referring to the loving, open, and authentic “true self.”

From that space, you create meaning, thought, feeling, and action that is powerful beyond belief. This is the space where you get to use your God-given gift to write really compelling stories.

This all sounds so lovely and airy-fairy, but how do we grow that space and find our freedom— our power? 

Meditation is the most effective tool I’ve found to cultivate the inner observer, or witness, we all have, yet tend to neglect. Any mindful awareness exercise or guided breathing and meditation allow us to relate to our thoughts and experiences in a softer, more open way. Most importantly, it broadens the space and cushions the fall when life throws us the inevitable curveballs.  

Yes, it feels boring, uncomfortable, and frustrating at first, but after a while, you will start to crave it. If you’d like to deepen your own practice or learn more, I’d recommend a guided meditation app such as Headspace or Calm.

We are spirit beings living in a physical world. It’s time we tend to that pure, loving part of us in order to create some distance between how we experience the world and how we respond. Your imagination is your MVP here. Break it open. Look around. Make a home.

Stay awhile.

“The opposite of home is not distance, but forgetfulness.”
- Elie Wiesel

Love & Gratitude,
Katie

The Enneagram & Your Favorite Mistake

I grew up worshiping Sheryl Crow. She embodied brilliant writer, instrumentalist, singer, and entertainer all in one while looking really strong and sure of herself along the way.  

While major labels were throwing hundreds of thousands of dollars at production budgets for artists back in the early 90’s, she managed to make pure magic with 40k on her debut recordTuesday Night Music Club.  

I see her from time to time around town, typically in a Starbucks, and have a full-on girl crush attack, geek out moment. Thankfully, I’ve never been a total train wreck and embarrassed myself those handful of times, though I’ve come scarily close. (I have a much different story about standing behind Micheal Stipe in a local coffee shop. I’ll save that for a blog post about overcoming humiliation.)

I recently listened to an interview with her on NPR and learned of a much different, fragile side of Ms. Crow. She admitted a lifelong battle with self-doubt and depression. She even went so far as to say this larger than life persona she’d created over the years felt paper thin, and contrary to the reality of her own broken self-image.

Guess what? You and I are no different (well, besides the arsenal of Grammy’s perhaps). We learned early on which masks looked really good on us that would also double as a protective shield. They would help us show up and be seen on this daunting stage called life.  

After all, the word personality is derived from the Greek word, “persona”, which means “mask”.  

We all wear certain masks of personality to protect ourselves from rejection and failure—to be liked. 

Your personality is NOT a bad thing either! It’s one of the loveliest things about you.  

Things gets pitchy though when we over-identify with that mask and eventually lose touch with the reality of who we are—the authentic essential self.  

I believe the Enneagram is one of the best, most accessible tools for self-understanding. It serves as a roadmap, guiding us on the journey of self-discovery and relational growth. If you’re new to this tool and want an introductory peek into its wisdom, this online indicator is a great place to start.

We make one whopping mistake with the Enneagram, though.  Just as we over-identify with certain personality traits or masks we wear, we can also hugely over-identify with the classic and obtuse characteristics of our specific number or “type.”  

We attach to the safe construct of this number as opposed to allowing it to help us “unlearn” certain behaviors that got us into trouble in the first place.  

For example, when I first discovered I was a four on the Enneagram (the Romantic), it was like someone had given me a handbook, or a language, for all the reasons I do what I do. The melancholic tendencies, the shame, the need to be special, the obsession with aesthetic, all of it! I thought I was just crazy all those years!?! (Ballot's still out there).  

Finally, I had insight into the complex story I’d been living out of

Initially though, instead of allowing this insight to help me shed the unhelpful parts of my personality, I took the information and completely indulged in it. Instead of “I’m Katie, and I identify with type four on the Enneagram,” it was, “I’m a four. Oh, and my name is Katie.” 

Are you tracking?  

In essence, if you are letting your type define you as opposed to allowing it to unlock the beauty and nuance of your purest, truest self, you’re still hiding in a box.  

Don’t worry, it’s my favorite mistake too. I camped out in Four Land for a good five years before I understood how much bigger and more powerful the Enneagram really is.  

It doesn’t want to type you just to leave you there. It wants to guide you home to wholehearted living without the entrapments of all those fearful masks.  

Here's the thing: You are in a league of your own. You're more than a number or a type on any personality indicator. Thankfully though, this gift of the Enneagram can support you in discovering all the intricacy, uniqueness, and power that lies outside the box and inside of you.  I'm pretty thrilled I get to support you as well. 

Love & Gratitude,

Katie
xoxo

Own the Competition: A Different Approach

Is your neck sore?  

I know, weird question.

But I mean it.  Is your neck sore from all that looking, turning, and straining from side to side?  Oh, I know you do it too.  I know you’re guilty of the occasional (or frequent) horizontal search for someone who’s doing it better, faster, and more creatively than you.  It’s that futile attempt to judge your own adequacy against another’s in every area from looks, career, creative success, parenting skills, material wealth, physical fitness, social life, and committed relationships.  

I’ve had a sore neck more times than I can count along the way.  If we’re being really honest, I often struggle with competing with other’s success in a way that leaves me feeling completely inadequate, if not frantic.  And the worst part of it is, often times they are women I know and love dearly!  What the ?

This soul-sucking behavior NEVER helps me get ahead. In fact, it leaves me feeling frustrated face-down in a dust pile, questioning who I really am in the first place.  

Can you relate?  

My hunch is, you can. 

I’ve spent the last ten years of my life listening.  Listening to the stories of incredibly brave people who want more for their lives.  What I’ve learned is part of their programming, just like mine, is to hold their worth and value up against the performances of those around them.  It tends to create this stuck loop, or broken record, of “not enough.”  This is old programming, folks.  

Why?  Because we go about it from a place of scarcity as opposed to abundance.  (If the word abundance feels a bit indulgent, use “enough” instead.)

Competition with others is not all bad.  I’ve always had people in my life I refer to as “pacers” whose work I admire and who motivate me to keep showing up no matter what.  We need a little healthy competition to keep us motivated and hungry.  However, when we compete with others from a place of lack instead of abundance, we forfeit the truth and power of who we are.  We start wearing shoes that don’t fit.  We start playing really small.  

If there were ever a day to take back the power of your essential self and quit playing this small, scared game, it is now.  

But how?

I believe there are two sacred steps to firmly ground us in the confidence of our own garden:

Know your “me.” 

We so often confuse our personality, ability, and the culture around us with our true, authentic self.  This is a huge reason we develop sore necks.  We look to various extensions of preference and perception to define the pure essence of who we were created to be.  

The self-discovery journey is the most valuable trip you will ever take because it directly affects each and every thought, feeling, and action that builds out the picture of your life.  

This is one of many reasons I adore the Enneagram.  

It’s a roadmap for self-discovery; for finding your “me.” 

The minute we start to look inward for answers, we can stop looking side to side for them.  What a relief!

Compete with your former self.

The reason competition with others can be debilitating is we will always be proven inadequate if that’s what we’re setting out to find.  Any time competition’s motivator is scarcity, we’re looking for proof that we’re not enough.  

A more abundant approach allows for healthy competition with our former selves.  Don’t confuse this with unhealthy striving.  Here’s a good litmus test, or indicative question to ask yourself, “How can I live into my best, most authentic self today?”  

If I actively decide to embody all that I’m created to be, day after day, I don’t need to look around for proof that I’m enough.  I get to bring to the world that which only I can bring and in doing so, celebrate the unique beauty in others without feeling threatened.  Boom. 

Perhaps it’s time to loosen the reigns of striving this week.  Get softer, more curious, as you sit with you.  Give that lovely neck of yours a rest and listen in to the conversation of your soul. What does she need to thrive?  What does she desire and dream about?  

There’s your ticket.  It’s what sets you apart. 

Love & Gratitude,
Katie
xoxo

P.S. (Stay tuned for Thursday’s TruthBite!  I’ve got a power tool for your tool belt that will help you connect to your most authentic self every single day.  Get excited!!)

Get Out of Your Own Way by Setting Intentions

Question: Do you ever get frustrated because you’ve got a desired outcome in mind and can’t for the life of you make progress towards it?  

If your answer is a resounding “Yes!”  you are not alone, my Dear.

I struggle with this scenario far too often, so much so that it lands me in a cycle of self-doubt, discouragement, and often…shame.  

“If I were better or more disciplined, this wouldn’t be an issue.  If I were more like (insert the name of one of my rockstar friends currently crushing it) I’d be just fine.

Oh, man. Well, perhaps.  

But if that were the case and we were someone different, we may risk the biggest catastrophe of them all— If you were just like everyone else out there “crushing it,” you’d be living their dream, not your own.

I’m in the throes of prepping for a workshop called “Enneagram in Action” this Friday.  

While I’ve been a part of workshops and conferences leading up to this, I’ve never actually created my own, with fresh content, and registration promo, and all the itty bitty details that make an event like this roll out smoothly.  

Needless to say, I’ve been humbled as I’ve had to put other parts of my life on hold, parts I’m not used to missing…you know, like free time and Netflix (The CROWN though…!!!)

I digress.

Here’s what I’m learning and what I want to support you into as you embark on those burning dreams and desires brightly flickering in these young days and weeks of 2018.

In order to experience your desired outcome, a laser sharp focus must pave the way.  If this sounds obvious, stay with me.  

By the Grace of God Almighty and some act of Congress, I’ve managed to get to this point feeling highly ADD while pursuing a whole lot of strewn out interests.  I’ve always managed to have about ten pots stirring.  Quite honestly, I’ve been proud of it.  

Guess what? Year after year I end up in the same place, in that cycle we talked about earlier.  It’s not necessarily a bad place, just one that is a pale shade of the florid landscape I long for.  This is not me beating up on myself, this is me being entirely too scattered.    

My husband often (lovingly) calls me “a walking contradiction.”  He remarks, “You’ve got all these great ideas and beliefs in your head and somehow manage to fill your time up with, hmm, I’m not quite sure?”  I laugh out loud.

If you’ve ever felt like a walking contradiction, I’ve got some good news: setting intentions and applying a bit more focus might just change up your game, and at least, get you out of your own way.

As my motivational crush, Tony Robbins says, “Where energy flows, focus goes.”  

So if you and I are expending a certain amount of energy split four ways into different projects, guess what? The level of focus applied to each one will be pretty tepid, if not weak.  

Let’s do it differently:

1) Step back and decide which project or desire burns the brightest. What would most benefit you and those around you NOW?

2) Once you’ve identified that, it’s time to let the pressure and energy up from the other, less pressing ones, and move into some concentrated focus on just the one.

3) What are your intentions for this dream or desire?  

What do you want to create and why?  Setting intentions every day in a specific direction is clutch because it starts the flow of energy and focus into powerful motion.  Stop to set an intention as often as you need or whenever you feel yourself feeding distraction. ( i.e. “Today, I am building out the bones of my book proposal.  Write it down or speak it out loud. )

4) Visualize your desired outcome, often.  

Professional athletes do this; performers do it too.  Visualization is powerful because your brain doesn’t know the difference between these mental scenarios and reality.  As a result, brain pathways are created in favor of your desired outcome, making it more likely to recreate in real life.  Mic drop.  I know….

I really want to hear how all this sits with you.  What do you long to achieve?  Does letting go of other projects or goals in order to do so feel irresponsible?  Or weak?  I get it. 

I promise though; there will be time for other desires to take shape and the momentum you create as you arrive at your first desired outcome will likely carry you into a favorable pace for the next one on your list.  

As always, I’m here if you need a little extra nudge.  Bringing a guide on board - creating a team - is just another way of building out even more intention and focus.  

This stuff lights me up…you know where to find me.  :)

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

xoxo