3 reasons you should be meditating

There are volumes of scientific research boasting all the reasons meditation is a game changer.  I’m sure they are quite thorough and convincing, too.  

However today, I want to share from my heart and experience how meditation has and continues to change my life for the better. 

This post is for all you fellow perfectionists, control freaks, planners, cardio-lovers, results oriented, make-it-happen folks who feel 20 minutes of meditation sounds like a large helping of time-suck.  

Oh, I know you…

About 7 years ago, I began noticing an overarching intense physical discomfort out of nowhere (or so I thought). My throat and jaw locked up.  My mid-back twisted in a knot.  It became difficult to sing and speak, even in sessions with clients. Sleep became a distant wish.  

As a health-conscious, avid exerciser who’d done her fair share of work in therapy throughout the years, I felt discouraged—and powerless.  

After seeking out every alternative healing modality I could find, I noticed a subtle common theme emerging from acupuncturist, chiropractor, voice coach, and therapist alike.  Quite simply, their sage voices all harmonized in a singular chord.  It was in the key of: RELAX.

I wasn’t depressed or anything. In fact I was quite content. Yet I’d been running so hard on a treadmill of survival mode that had become my norm.  My body, brain, and emotions formed a strike, actively rebelling against the grueling pace I’d had them on for decades.  

Meditation has been my vehicle into this new world of rest, yet interestingly enough, has also opened up my life in a new way, allowing for increased willingness and opportunities.  Funny how that works.  I firmly believe we all need to develop some type of mindfulness practice, now more than ever. 

Here are the three big reasons I think we should all be meditating:

1. We Build more self-awareness and self-acceptance.   Self-awareness is the biggest indicator of success in life, relationships, and work.  However, we’re so busy (and often stressed) we don’t carve out the time to practice the stillness required to grow that necessary muscle of self-awareness. In my experience, I’d over-developed the muscle of self-criticism and judgment instead. Practicing meditation or other mindfulness exercises allows space to unlearn that harsh inner critic and grow the safe, neutral observer needed to bake in healthy self-awareness, compassion, and positive sustained change. 
   

2. We release tension and toxins in our bodies that create long-term negative health effects. It was a lightbulb moment the day I made the connection between disease in our minds and bodies with literal “dis-ease” and tension we hold tightly within.  This stress, or contraction, will eventually exacerbate, causing much bigger health concerns down the road unless we learn how to release it.  Practicing meditation trains our bodies and minds to slow down and release that arthritic grip we unconsciously develop over time.  Added bonuses include better sleep, mood, energy, and creativity that crop up as a result. 
   

3. We begin to connect to our essence, or true self, as we become aware of unconscious habits. As we move from the false self, or ego, to the true self, or essence, we experience deep spiritual transformation.  It’s letting go of fear in order to embrace openness to something greater than ourselves.  We simply can’t do that if we are living out of our blindspots on autopilot.  Over time, as we commit to a meditation practice, a natural byproduct becomes this relaxation of old programming and an exploration of the love and curiosity that’s been there from day one.  We were born loving, open beings.  We learned fear to help us survive.  Yet, lasting positive change is rarely built on fear.  We must create the precious space in our days to excavate that little person inside that desperately longs to be seen and known.  She’s honest and wise beyond her years, too.  Some people swear practicing meditation over time slows down aging.  I can’t speak to that, however, I believe connecting to the most loving and true parts of us inevitably lend a softer lens to whatever we may be facing in life.  In this sense, we do recover that childlike part of us that sees more beauty in everything.  

If you are looking for an enneagram-based mindfulness toolkit, I’d love for you to join The Practice, my online membership community! 

3 Tips for Navigating Workplace Conflict

Conflict in the workplace is inevitable.  This does not, however, make it easy (for many, that is.) As an enneagram four, I remember so many times in my 20’s when I’d take constructive feedback at certain jobs deeply personal.  It became yet another reason on my never ending list why I didn’t quite measure up.  Conflict felt scary. I might be rejected…or worse… misunderstood!?

I must have completely missed the class Conflict Resolution 101 in college.  

So, how do you manage conflict successfully?  In one word? Self-awareness. Self-awareness is an integral piece to navigating conflict. Knowing the thoughts, behaviors and motivations behind what you think, act and feel allows you to understand how your attitude and behaviors affect others and how they affect you. Recognizing your own hot buttons and those of others, gives you the opportunity to take a step back and respond intentionally rather than react emotionally.

Developing self-awareness doesn’t come easy though. It requires us to take an honest look inward. The Enneagram provides us with the tools to foster that self-observation and introspection, that in turn, makes room for empathy and compassion for others…including our colleagues.

When you understand your Enneagram type and the personality styles of those you work with, it breeds a culture of understanding, respect, and connection so that when conflicts do arise, they can be resolved more quickly.

Here are 3 tips to help you navigate conflict in the workplace: 

1.    Consider the perspective of others.  The Enneagram teaches that each of us views the world through a different lens. This applies to how we approach conflict as well. How do you typically react to conflict?  Do you avoid it? Engage in it? Assume you are correct and everyone else is wrong?  For example, let’s consider The Challenger.  Eights can have powerful/bold reactions when there is a conflict and aren’t shy about letting you know where they stand. They seek a strong reaction from you as well. Without one, they may assume you aren’t taking the situation seriously. They also have a strong desire to resolve the problem quickly and once the issue is resolved they move on. 

On the other hand, conflict is extremely uncomfortable for some types, such the Enneagram 9. Their approach is to avoid or deny conflict altogether. An Eight’s in-your-face approach can feel intimidating and aggressive to a Peacemaker.  Instead of assuming your coworkers approach conflict the same as you, challenge your perspective and consider how your coworker(s) might see things differently.

2.    Practice empathy.  Take a moment to acknowledge your own feelings about the situation so you can approach it with a clear head. But also consider the emotions of your team members before responding or engaging.  Empathizing with how they view or feel about the situation creates a margin of time and understanding that is necessary in order to build safety in times of conflict.  There is nothing worse than having to engage in workplace conflict in a culture of fear and toxicity.

3.    Establish open and transparent communication. Be upfront and honest about your thoughts yet ask questions and practice active listening to build trust and respect among your colleagues.  This act of openness encourages collaboration and can more easily lead to a mutually agreeable resolution.

The enneagram is an elegant framework for the often clunky conflict that inevitably comes up at work.  If you’re experiencing unchecked conflict in your workplace, I’d love to guide your team toward a positive resolution.  Click here for more information.

4 Powerful Ways the Enneagram Impacts Workplace Culture

Guess what? There are nine different normals—nine different lenses through which to see the ourselves and our world.  Depending on your enneagram type, you live out of a unique personality story that was shaped by real or perceived early childhood experiences that fuel the core motivations behind how you think, feel, and act.  Your enneagram type also informs the desires and fears that keep this personality tightly wound and in tact.  

Also guess what? At the core of most of our problems are relationships.  Do you know what’s at the heart of those relationships? Yep, our personalities.  

I’m convinced the enneagram is the best tool we have for understanding these nine different normals and bringing greater understanding, compassion, kindness, and cohesion to our relationships, both personally and professionally.  

How does it do this? 

1. It improves our communication.  Depending on your enneagram type, you have a specific way of showing up in relationships as a communicator.  As a type four, I tend to over-communicate and self-reference quite a bit. Flowery and expressive? Perhaps. Clear and concise? Not so much. As I’ve learned about myself as a type four, I’ve become more proficient in balancing this out. This improves communication on all levels because when we have insight into our communication styles and those of other types, we have far more compassion and patience.  
   

2. It fosters collaboration. Understanding each of the nine types’ strengths and challenges allows for greater ease as we identify and harness the sweet spot of each person involved in groups of all types—teams, families, organizations, marriages, you name it.  When we grasp an understanding that, like Stephen Covey said, “Strength lies in differences, not in similarities,” we experience more elegance and flow in our collaborations.    
   

3. It opens the door for engagement. When we have a sense of self-understanding and acceptance, we are naturally more engaged in whatever we focus our energy and attention on.  Why? Because we are in alignment with the truth of who we are. When we live from a place of integrity and authenticity, the fog of self-doubt and sabotage burns off a bit. The enneagram is the most profound and comprehensive tool for developing greater self-understanding and acceptance.
   

4. It manifests productivity. When we communicate better and accept each others’ differences, we collaborate better.  When we can cut through the limiting stories that hold us back, we engage with ourselves and the world with greater love and confidence.  As a bi-product, we naturally connect to greater productivity.  This isn’t about striving, it’s about softening into the truth of who we are, and as a result, playing for instead of against, our own team.  

Cultivating a strong culture starts with nurturing kindness towards ourselves and the person right in front of us, whatever their normal may be.  

Creating distance between reaction and response

I love a good quote. Don’t you? 

One that I keep tucked away in the background of my foggy mom brain is this classic by Viktor Frankl, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

It keeps my unconscious clunking through life in check.

I sincerely believe that most of our perceived problems would dissolve if we cultivated, or grew, that space between what life throws at us and how we respond. Let’s stop right there. Even just the word “respond” is generous. I tend to default to cruise-control living more days than not, reacting out of emotion instead of responding out of presence. 

Why? Because the space between the stimulus and response is so stinking small! What is not so small, however, is the old ego blaring at full-volume when I live like this. 

For example, let’s look at a scenario we can all relate to—traffic.  If you live in a large-ish city like Nashville, chances are, you have been tweaked by traffic. One of my absolute biggest pet peeves is when I’m stopped at a four-way stop and instead of obeying traffic laws, people try to be sweet and “let you go” when it’s not your turn. I’m all for southern charm and hospitality, but somebody’s going to get hurt if we all play nice instead of following the basic order.

This happened the other day. A well-meaning lady in a heavy black sedan with red lipstick and statement earrings sat across from me at a four-way stop. It was her turn to go. She flashed a toothy grin my way and waved her hand for me to go. I mean come ON. I played along but rolled my eyes and sped around the turn very dramatically. Small space alert! I reacted out of frustration instead of responding from curiosity and openness. Ew.

I was also asleep in trance, living out of a really crappy story that read something like this, “Why are people so lame? She should see traffic laws (and life for that matter) the way I do.”  

Zero compassion. Zero patience. Bags of judgment.  

Sure, anger was at the surface. But guess what was really going on underneath that jagged reaction? The real underlying story was fear. It went something like this, “Things won’t work out unless I try to control them.”  

Do you have a particular narrative that gets you into trouble?

Here’s some good news: the thing that separates us as humans from animals is the ability to make up stories. We’ve also been given the glorious gift of imagination in order to write them well. 

Guess what we need in order to write good and truthful stories? We need space. Why? Because we write best out of stillness, not chaos. Also, because reactionary, fear-based living will drive us mad (and others away). 

If you and I are courageous enough to sit in that space, feel our feelings, and simply observe the moment at hand, we have stepped out of ego— the need for control—and into the freedom of essence. By essence, I’m referring to the unconditioned, open, and authentic “true self.”

From that space, you create meaning, thought, feeling, and action that is powerful beyond belief. This is the space where you get to use your God-given gift to write really compelling stories.

This all sounds so lovely and airy-fairy, but how do we grow that space and find our freedom— our power? 

Meditation is the most effective tool I’ve found to cultivate the inner observer, or witness, we all have, yet tend to neglect. Any mindfulness exercise or guided breathing and meditation allow us to relate to our thoughts and experiences in a softer, more open way. Most importantly, it broadens the space and cushions the fall when life throws us the inevitable curveballs.  Yes, it feels boring, uncomfortable, and frustrating at first, but after a while, you will start to crave it. 

This is the spiritual work of the Enneagram. It’s time we tend to that pure, loving part of us in order to create some distance between how we experience the world and how we respond. Your imagination is your MVP here. Break it open. Look around. Make a home.

Stay awhile.

Shifting Shadows with the Enneagram

I grew up in the crown jewel of the deep south, Mobile, AL.  We did many strange things like take ballroom dancing in fifth grade.  It was hands down the most awkward thing I’d experienced until then, and I’ve always felt at home on a dance floor.

This was different though. Kids from a couple of neighboring schools would gather on a Thursday night at 5 o’clock in a big gymnasium at St. Ignatius Catholic church and learn all the old-school couples dances like the fox trot, waltz, and others I’ve purposely erased from my memory.  The most unbearable part of it wasn’t learning the dances, it was learning the dances with the boys.  They were hyper, smelly, and had no rhythm.  They also thought they were beyond cool. 

My favorite part of the night was when I spotted my mom’s minivan headlights in the carpool line.  She’d swoop in and pick me up and we’d proceed to Checkers for the long-awaited chocolate milkshake(s).  I had to take the edge off somehow. 

Learning to dance with our shadow, or shameful parts can feel just as unpleasant.  They are those parts of us that we’d rather not talk about.  Early on, we learned to hide them from the world around us for acceptance—for survival.  They are the parts of you that if someone saw, they might ultimately reject.  You may be found out…and deemed unloveable. 

What are the shadow parts you’d rather forget about?  Is it depression, body shame, singleness, financial troubles, or even sexual trauma as a child? Whatever they are, much like the smelly boys at ballroom, we’ve got to learn to lean in, let go, and learn to dance with them.

The Enneagram is all about integration.  The less compartmentalized, or fragmented we are, the more integrated and whole we will become.  Just as we are made up of hundreds of different body parts, muscles, and organs, we also have so many different parts of our emotional, relational, and creative beings.

Oftentimes in therapy sessions with clients, these parts come up.  Take anxiety for example.  Anxiety is an emotion or part of us that can be immobilizing.  We often deal with it by numbing, fixing, or running from it.  Anxiety is really just a shadow part of us that needs compassion and understanding just like, say, the creative part of us.  When we stuff our anxiety and try to avoid it, we really just give it more power and as a result, create imbalance.

What might dancing with this anxious shadow look like?  Well, first of all, we must listen to and get to know it.  This allows us to cultivate empathy for that anxious part of us.  After all, she has been working overtime for a while now to keep us performing, staying safe, and “on the ball.”  

Shadow work is really a reckoning with parts of ourselves we’ve misjudged for a long time.  The payoff is wholeness—flow.  It’s realizing those parts we’ve been hiding for so long aren’t so terrible after all.  In fact, they end up being the best parts because they are the most thorough teachers.  

That anxious part of you desperately wants you to see her for who she really is: someone who deeply cares about your future, yet may go about it clumsily.  She wants you to sit with her, commune with her, and realize the worst thing that can happen isn’t so bad in the end because you have other resilient parts of you that can step in and take over when she needs to sit the next song out.  

Take a minute and visualize the part of you that you dislike, a lot.  Perhaps you feel guilty about this part or constantly judge it.  What does she look like?  What is she doing?  In the same minute, take one step towards her…then another, and another.  You left her alone a long time ago and she feels abandoned, even scared.  She knows you dislike her but she desperately longs to know you and play on the same team.  She needs you big time.  

If this feels completely terrifying, it should.  Your brain is freaking out because it has no idea what it’s doing.  Hang in there though, this is perhaps the most life-giving work you’ve ever done.  Dancing with shadows or smelly boys is probably not on your bucket list.  Oh but I bet I know what is…

Freedom.