I Wish I Had Known This at 25

What piece of advice would you give your 25-year-old self? Sure, she may not have listened, but like any loving parent, you do what you can to steer your children in the right direction. That headstrong seeker was only doing her best. And yet today, you have matured into the expansive space of perspective and more balance. I know you have a lot to offer your younger, stubborn self.

Me? I would have a spirited come-to-Jesus about how to relax into the unknown, one brave and wobbly step at a time. I’d tell her that having all the answers isn’t half as important as asking honest questions.

Specifically, I’d love for her to understand what it means to have a growth mindset as opposed to a fixed one—less either-or and more both-and.

As a recovering perfectionist, I’ve been all too familiar with what it means to have a fixed mindset—you know, the way of thinking that is rigid and narrow. It’s all about pass or fail, win or lose, good or bad, black and white. It’s rooted in judgment rather than curiosity. It’s refusing to take myself on a brisk 20-minute walk because I didn’t have enough time to do my hour-long high-intensity workout.

Here’s another example. You have your six-month review at work. Your boss gives you high marks in several areas but points out one specific necessary improvement in your performance on a big project. A fixed mindset self-criticizes, labeling your performance as a failure. A fixed mindset disregards the praise and zeros in on the area of improvement. A growth mindset celebrates the positive feedback and understands the value of constructive criticism for future success. A growth mindset sees life as a slew of peaks and valleys all leading to necessary learning and expansion. It looks at life as an experiment, not a performance.

A growth mindset is the petri dish that breeds resilience. A fixed approach creates inflexibility, closing us off from abundance and opportunity.

This isn’t about glossing over reality. It’s about softening your approach to the inevitable ebbs and flows of life and enjoying yourself a bit more along the way.

Spend some time this week pondering this:

What area of your life could you stand to soften into? Is it your relationship with food, your body, parenting, or work? Is it your self-care? Whatever it may be, I believe a great way to find out is to pay attention to our self-talk, that often nagging inner critic that rages on involuntarily.

Write it all down.

I love what Tara Mohr says: “Where we think we need more self-discipline, we usually need more self-love.”

All You Need is Love (& the Enneagram)

Here we are.

No matter how you slice it, we’ve made it (hopefully more than just intact) to a brand new year.  

It always amazes me that though certain seasons may bring their own version of emotional inclement weather, people and circumstances largely beyond our control, time gently holds us all to the same standard. You and I share the same amount of moments, minutes, and hours.  

In the midst of the storm, it sure doesn’t seem that way.  

Yet, steadily, we are all brought to the same here and now, if we choose to allow.

As you may have guessed reading the quote up above, this post is not going to be about New Year’s Resolutions. I swear those people got with the diet and exercise people and brokered a multibillion-dollar deal decades ago to keep us on a very frustrated treadmill.

Even the more subtle versions of resolutions always lose steam for me around early to mid February, not necessarily because I failed, but because the shine or need wore off, and I went back to my cozy old ways.  

I believe wholeheartedly that if your goal is success, whatever that may look like to you now, your best bet is developing life-giving habits over time instead of making ostentatious goals in abrupt or ambitious moments of inspiration.  Study the lives of the most successful, badass men and women throughout history, and you’ll likely find some pretty strong habits.

Again, this post isn’t about your most successful year in 2018—sorry, not sorry.  

The Queen, I mean Oprah, said it best:

“The key to realizing a dream is to focus not on success but on significance.  And then even the small steps and little victories along your path will take on greater meaning.”

You see, often the reason our goals and resolutions fall flat is because we are so obsessed with the end result, or the destination, that we miss the significance of the journey.  In doing so, we completely disconnect from who we are in the moment — our authentic self, who is deserving of  love and acceptance, no matter what’s been checked off the to-do list.

That sounds lovely... Okay, now how? How the heck do I simply turn on the love and acceptance switch? 

Hmm…nice try.  And oh how I wish there was a pill for that.  

But honestly I don’t.  Think about it, where would the fun be in simply meeting someone new, say a friend or love interest, and waving the wand of instant love and acceptance for them?  We would miss out on all the subtle, quirky nuances that draw us to them over time, not to mention the trust and connection that must be built by showing up, over and over again, and in doing so, gradually building up a picture of love and affection.  

In relationships, we observe people around us over time, and they either draw us to them or push us away.  

The same is true for your relationship with you.  Your significance isn’t how well you succeed over the course of time.  Your significance lies in all those glorious, unique things you bring to the moment, and how you choose to share them.  

In my experience, it’s much harder to do what I truly desire when I am my own worst enemy.  It almost always backfires.  

However, when I get out of my own way and start playing for instead of against my team, big things happen.  

Perhaps the greatest tool alongside therapy that has equipped me to do this is the Enneagram.  Over the course of the last 11 years, it has been a steady companion, giving me language to express lonely truths I thought only I had, as well as reasons for doing the clumsy things I so often do.  The Enneagram has gently shown me all the ways I wear false if not fashionable masks of personality to protect myself from being truly seen and perhaps rejected. She has shown me the great potential that awaits (when I do step out of my own way).

You may know about the Enneagram, and if so, I’m grateful.  It’s not just a buzz word or cool kid trend. In fact, it’s so ancient experts can’t quite nail down its conception. It’s stood the test of time, and I’m thrilled more and more people are bringing it into their homes, relationships and dinner conversations.

Let your progress in 2018 start by giving yourself the gift of connection.  Connect back to the little girl who only knows love and has no clue how to lie or be afraid or confuse success with love.  

If this feels wildly out of reach and too esoteric, don’t worry, you’re not alone, I’d love to support you in your desire to truly thrive.  2018 has given us a wide open road to explore the countless possibilities, and I’ve got a killer roadmap to get us there.  It’s time to truly connect back to you. 

You ready?

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

xoxo

P.S. If you are in the helping profession (or fascinated by the Enneagram and how to practically use it in your life), I’d LOVE to have you at my upcoming workshop The Enneagram in Action: A Training for Therapists and the Healing Arts Community, on January 19th! 

Click here to learn more!