Resilience: The Ultimate Life Hack

Do you ever get discouraged because you feel like you can’t seem to get unstuck? Maybe you’ve tried therapy or read some self-help books and they bring relief temporarily but leave you wanting in the long run? 

Or, perhaps you make progress along the way yet inevitably find yourself bumping up against the same flipping roadblocks, over and over.  

If your hand is raised, you’re in good company.  I’m here for it too.

I’m reminded that we aren’t here to finally get it right—to one day fully “arrive” and have it all figured out.  If that is your goal, I hate to break it to you, you’re hosed.  

As humans, we have something undeniable in common.  We are imperfect—flawed at best.

I don’t believe we ever fully arrive.  I believe we get good at resilience.  

Resilience is simply the ability to recover (quickly) from difficulty.  

The problem is when we get so thrown off our game, we stay down too long, and in doing so, become calloused or defined by our struggle.  

So how do we become more resilient?  If this is the secret to moving through life with more ease and confidence, how do we condition ourselves to get back up after the fall, no matter how many times we stumble?

I believe we must reframe failure.  Instead of seeing it as an ending, we must see it as an opening.  Instead of seeing it as a personal blow, we must see it as a wise teacher who comes around from time to time.  She has way more to say than her distant cousin, Success.  

I know, Success is far prettier, but Failure is more than meets the eye. She has a depth and insight about her that comes from the humility only difficulty can form.  

So next time you feel stuck, broken, or discouraged, I pray you won’t lose heart.  Instead, perhaps the invitation to sit with yourself in the space—to hold yourself in kindness—and to speak to yourself with patience, will become the strongest parts of you.  Perhaps they will be the conditioning that over time, just like a muscle—grows bigger and more pronounced.  

Perhaps the goal will not become perfection…but excellence tethered in compassionate resilience.  

Love & Grace,

Katie

5 Things to Consider When Seeking An Enneagram Therapist

Finding a therapist is tricky.  Or, rather, it can be.  If 2020 has given us a gift, it has been the normalization and heightened conversation around mental health wrapped up in one whacky bow.  Sure, physical health has been at the forefront of every news channel, commercial, blog post, and email.  I’ve been grateful for the inextricable link those sources have made between our bodies and emotions. 

I’ve also been pleasantly surprised by the overwhelming number of online inquiries I’ve received from those seeking out therapists who use the Enneagram in their work with clients.  As someone who knew about the Enneagram before I went to grad school to become a therapist, I’m passionate about honoring the system—using it with the care and respect with which it was meant to be handled.  In my mind, it is the most powerful spiritual and psychological tool we have access to.  To reduce it to a personality test that stays on the surface of type is such a shame!  It’s like ordering chicken tenders to-go at a 5-star Michelin restaurant.   

In light of this, I wanted to put a quick little cheat sheet together.  Something you can tuck away in your back pocket if you think you might be in the market for a therapist.  With the holidays approaching and our sideways world kicking up all kinds of emotions, it might just come in handy.  Here are my top 5 tips for finding an Enneagram therapist:

1. Holding Space: Whereas formal Enneagram training and certifications are ideal, I believe having a therapist who is an expert in holding space for you and your story is more important than touting a ton of knowledge on the topic.  After all, that is hopefully what we will get better and better at while using the Enneagram: creating more space to observe ourselves and surroundings so we can respond rather than react.  The best therapists are the best space holders.  

2. Type Structure: Find someone who understands and appreciates type structure, or the deeper parts of what it means to be your type, rather than someone who stays on the surface of personality traits.  The Enneagram is all about the deeper motivation rather than mere behaviors and tendencies.  Transformation comes when we seek healing and change from the root. 

3. Somatic: The Enneagram is a holistic program covering Mind-Body-Heart.  It’s one of the reasons I love it so much.  Each type has a somatic profile that is so important to the makeup of type structure.  I believe having a therapist that really gets the importance of somatic work within the Enneagram construct is amazing and worth searching for.  The body is a storehouse of information as it pertains to our healing and self-understanding.  

4. Contemplative practice:  Much of Enneagram application is built on contemplative practice.  Not only is it key to find someone who can support you in building this out through meditation, yoga, or other forms of mindfulness, look for a therapist who has a strong practice of their own.  

5. Narrative: Bringing our personal narratives into any type of psychotherapy is necessary.  Finding someone who appreciates type through a narrative lens is so powerful as well.  We understand type in order to identify the parts of our story that are stuck and need editing.  I believe we are all constantly writing and re-writing our stories.  The Enneagram undoubtedly supports this process. 

Alright friends! I hope this was helpful.  If you get stuck along the way, you know where to find me!

Love & Grace,

Katie

Why Comparative Suffering Doesn't Work

How are you doing? The operative word here is “you.” Not your neighbor, not your grandmother, not your best friend who’s a nurse working on the front lines down at the hospital. I want to know about you.

Oh, and there’s another caveat. I don’t want you to qualify it with gratitude or downplay it with shame. That’s flat out exhausting.

I’m talking about comparative suffering here, a phrase Brené Brown made uber popular when she poignantly talked about it on her podcast, Unlocking Us, earlier this year. By the way, if you haven’t dipped into that program, you’re missing out. It’s so powerful.

Yet, I want to share a bit of my experience with comparative suffering from a psychotherapist’s perspective as opposed to a researcher’s. It’s honestly, very simply...

A crapshoot.

No really, it might be the top broken record of 2020. “My pain is a 5, her pain is a 12. So, mine doesn’t really matter.”  The logic is tempting, and yet it’s just flat out problematic.

As a refresher, comparative suffering is basically when you compare or rank your suffering with that of another’s, the other’s typically being more pronounced or overt.

For example, “I really shouldn’t complain. I still have my job, I’m healthy, and have my family here with me. I see so many on the news that are out of work and can’t pay their mortgage. But the truth is I’m lonely and afraid.”

Are you guilty of comparative suffering? (I know I am.)

And yet it doesn’t lessen the blow of suffering for someone else if you and I ignore our story, and the pain we feel, whatever our situation may be. By depriving yourself of acknowledgment and compassion, you’re not helping anyone—period.

In fact, it’s quite the opposite.

When you acknowledge your suffering, name it, and practice self-compassion, you’re processing the reality of your situation which helps you move through it. As you practice this brand of kindness towards yourself, you’re activating more love and energy to focus in the direction of others.

Ignoring your suffering is dangerous territory because, just like a physical wound, if we don’t create an environment for healing, it will only metastasize, and become a much larger problem down the road.

Dr. Brown explains, “there is no shortage of empathy.” It actually grows the more we practice vulnerability by consciously processing our painful emotions. That word is so important—consciously. We do need to practice awareness, maintaining a global outlook, as we grapple with suffering. Perspective is our friend right now. And yet your pain is part of your story. Owning our story as humans gives us agency to write a new ending.

And so, my friend, we absolutely must hold ourselves in love no matter what our circumstance looks like. Yes, our stories look different, and yet pain is a non-negotiable in this life. We can’t opt-out. Let’s commit to honoring and processing the pain of our stories with safe people we trust and maintaining an outward flow of love and empathy to others in need.

It’s that both-and thing again...

Love & Grace,

Katie

It's Dig Deep Time

This time of year is always a favorite of mine. There’s a different, punchy energy that swirls around, and like clockwork, it starts the minute Starbucks rolls out their anticipated Pumpkin Spice Latte after Labor Day. It’s like the world exhales with relief and excitement as tastebuds await that first syrupy sip of warm and frothy fall sliding down the hatch. Viola! The season of golden, crunchy leaves is officially upon us. Full steam ahead!

Wait a minute. The record screeches to a halt as reality sets in and reminds us all that it’s still 2020 and we’re still juggling way more—emotionally, mentally, even physically—than ever before. The dance of the pumpkin spice fairies will have to wait. 2021? Are you listening? Is anybody there?

Okay, okay, forgive the sarcasm. And yet as a new mom, therapist, and human being wired for connection, I’d say this fall presents many with a different brand of anticipation. So many have suffered loss in every shade of grey and are asking themselves: How will the kids fair with distance learning? Will I still have a job come October? How will we stay healthy and safe? And pay our bills? Where can I find support for this intense depression and anxiety?

Friends, we are in the midst of what I call a “dig deep time.” It’s a time where we must become best friends with a new girl we may not have ever really noticed before. She is patient and kind. She is slow to criticize and quick to listen. She’s always available. When we want to react out of stress and charged emotion, she simply pauses, breathes, and provides a grounded response.

Her name is Grace, and she is making it possible for us all to get through the day(s), week(s), and month(s).

You and I did nothing to deserve her, and that’s the beauty of it all. She’s there for us just because we have citizenship as human beings here on earth.

When it’s dig deep time, we appeal to our higher selves—the ones that require us to grow beyond our ego—all the mechanisms of our control—and open up to a powerful, abundant hope that requires some intentionality and focus.

I’m reminded of Michele Obama’s famed words, “When they go low, we go high.” That’s what dig deep time is. It’s trusting our process enough to let go of fear and lean into Grace when all you want to do is go hide in your closet with a bottle of Pinot Noir and the Halloween candy you just picked up at Kroger.

Here's some good news for you: we are all in this together. I know, it sounds trite and overused, yet it is one of the pillars of self-compassion. The other two are mindfulness and kindness. Our shared human frailty is what connects us right now and that massive reminder alone helps me find the courage to choose Grace. We are in the midst of a test of consciousness. It’s like our hardwiring is experiencing a transformational upgrade...if we let it.

A question I’ve been considering a lot lately: How does love show itself through me today?

If you aren’t quite sure and need a little nudge…just ask Grace.

Love & Grace,

Katie

Before You Start Something, Try This...

This past Friday, I did a fun little thing. I filmed an Enneagram video series I can’t wait to tell you more about. It was so much fun and I was reminded of just how much I believe in the Enneagram as a tool to truly understand and care for ourselves like never before.

To tee it up, I want to unpack something with you here as a little self-care appetizer of sorts. After all, I really do believe in this stuff and have been changed from the inside out as I’ve put these tools and practices to work in my life throughout the last decade. I selfishly want you to know and love them too!

There’s one caveat though—before we start any type of self-care regimen, I believe it’s important to lay some groundwork in order to build a strong foundation so it will stick.

As the Enneagram teaches us responsiveness rather than reactivity, I believe this is true not just with how we navigate experiences in life, I believe it’s true as we start a new self-care plan.

I believe the big reason our grand schemes for change and improvement don’t work is simple: we don’t build a strong foundation first. By this I mean, we don’t do what’s necessary to understand ourselves and why we want to see change in the first place. Typically, we just don’t feel good or we think we need something external to fix whatever feels broken inside in order to attain self-acceptance and love.

And that’s the kicker. It’s why we don’t sustain lasting, life-giving change: we are working against instead of with. We are trying to fix rather than understand. We are looking to escape rather than truly connect.

Well, Lovely, let me be the one to tell you you don’t need fixing...you actually have everything right inside of you to thrive. You lack NOTHING.

And that’s where we start. From a place of wholeness, not lack. That is the magical, sacred, special sauce that we all need a heavy dose of before we dive headfirst in the direction of our desires.

Self-care and compassion must be built on the firm foundation of a wholeness mindset that says, “I am loved” or "I open up to Love.” After all, you were born into this world as pure essence—as love. Sure, we inevitably fall and get scraped up along the way, however, it doesn’t change the simple truth that our first foundation is one of love, not lack.

And so, we sure up the foundation. We mend the shaky parts. We ask ourselves, “How can I harness 5% more of the original loving essence that is my birthright?”

That’s our baseline work. To practice living into the love that is already there so the building blocks of self-care and compassion will stick.

It’s so simple, and yet we often overcomplicate it. You are called to shine brightly in love. This is the place we thrive from.

Love & Gratitude,

Katie