Why Comparative Suffering Doesn't Work
How are you doing? The operative word here is “you.” Not your neighbor, not your grandmother, not your best friend who’s a nurse working on the front lines down at the hospital. I want to know about you.
Oh, and there’s another caveat. I don’t want you to qualify it with gratitude or downplay it with shame. That’s flat out exhausting.
I’m talking about comparative suffering here, a phrase Brené Brown made uber popular when she poignantly talked about it on her podcast, Unlocking Us, earlier this year. By the way, if you haven’t dipped into that program, you’re missing out. It’s so powerful.
Yet, I want to share a bit of my experience with comparative suffering from a psychotherapist’s perspective as opposed to a researcher’s. It’s honestly, very simply...
A crapshoot.
No really, it might be the top broken record of 2020. “My pain is a 5, her pain is a 12. So, mine doesn’t really matter.” The logic is tempting, and yet it’s just flat out problematic.
As a refresher, comparative suffering is basically when you compare or rank your suffering with that of another’s, the other’s typically being more pronounced or overt.
For example, “I really shouldn’t complain. I still have my job, I’m healthy, and have my family here with me. I see so many on the news that are out of work and can’t pay their mortgage. But the truth is I’m lonely and afraid.”
Are you guilty of comparative suffering? (I know I am.)
And yet it doesn’t lessen the blow of suffering for someone else if you and I ignore our story, and the pain we feel, whatever our situation may be. By depriving yourself of acknowledgment and compassion, you’re not helping anyone—period.
In fact, it’s quite the opposite.
When you acknowledge your suffering, name it, and practice self-compassion, you’re processing the reality of your situation which helps you move through it. As you practice this brand of kindness towards yourself, you’re activating more love and energy to focus in the direction of others.
Ignoring your suffering is dangerous territory because, just like a physical wound, if we don’t create an environment for healing, it will only metastasize, and become a much larger problem down the road.
Dr. Brown explains, “there is no shortage of empathy.” It actually grows the more we practice vulnerability by consciously processing our painful emotions. That word is so important—consciously. We do need to practice awareness, maintaining a global outlook, as we grapple with suffering. Perspective is our friend right now. And yet your pain is part of your story. Owning our story as humans gives us agency to write a new ending.
And so, my friend, we absolutely must hold ourselves in love no matter what our circumstance looks like. Yes, our stories look different, and yet pain is a non-negotiable in this life. We can’t opt-out. Let’s commit to honoring and processing the pain of our stories with safe people we trust and maintaining an outward flow of love and empathy to others in need.
It’s that both-and thing again...
Love & Grace,
Katie