Feeling Stuck? I've got an idea...

Do you ever get frustrated because you’ve got a desired outcome in mind and can’t for the life of you make progress towards it?  

If your answer is a resounding “Yes!”  you are not alone, my Dear.

I struggle with this scenario far too often, so much so that it lands me in a cycle of self-doubt, discouragement, and often…shame.  

“If I were better or more disciplined, this wouldn’t be an issue.  If I were more like (insert the name of one of my rockstar friends currently crushing it) I’d be just fine.

Oh, man. Well, perhaps.  

But if that were the case and we were someone different, we may risk the biggest catastrophe of them all— If you were just like everyone else out there “crushing it,” you’d be living their dream, not your own.

In order to experience your desired outcome, a laser-sharp focus must pave the way.  If this sounds obvious, stay with me.  

By the Grace of God Almighty and some act of Congress, I’ve managed to get to this point in my life feeling highly ADD while pursuing a whole lot of strewn out interests.  I’ve always managed to have about ten pots stirring.  Quite honestly, I’ve been proud of it.  

Guess what? Year after year I end up in the same place, in that cycle we talked about earlier.  It’s not necessarily a bad place, just one that is a pale shade of the florid landscape I long for.  This is not me beating up on myself, this is me being entirely too scattered.    

My husband often (lovingly) calls me “a walking contradiction.”  He remarks, “You’ve got all these great ideas and beliefs in your head and somehow manage to fill your time up with, hmm, I’m not quite sure?”  I laugh out loud.

If you’ve ever felt like a walking contradiction, I’ve got some good news: setting intentions and applying a bit more focus might just change up your game, and at least, get you out of your own way.

As my motivational crush, Tony Robbins says, “Where focus goes, energy flows.”  

So if you and I are expending a certain amount of energy split four ways into different projects, guess what? The level of focus applied to each one will be pretty tepid, if not weak.  

Let’s do it differently:

1) Step back and decide which project or desire burns the brightest. What would most benefit you and those around you NOW?

2) Once you’ve identified that, it’s time to let the pressure and energy up from the other, less pressing ones, and move into some concentrated focus on just the one.

3) What are your intentions for this dream or desire?  

What do you want to create and why?  Setting intentions every day in a specific direction is clutch because it starts the flow of energy and focus into powerful motion.  Stop to set an intention as often as you need or whenever you feel yourself feeding distraction. (i.e. “Today, I am building out the bones of my book proposal.  Write it down or speak it out loud.)

4) Visualize your desired outcome, often.  

Professional athletes do this; performers do it too.  Visualization is powerful because your brain doesn’t know the difference between these mental scenarios and reality.  As a result, brain pathways are created in favor of your desired outcome, making it more likely to recreate in real life.  Mic drop.  I know….

I really want to hear how all this sits with you.  What do you long to achieve?  Does letting go of other projects or goals in order to do so feel irresponsible?  Or weak?  I get it. 

I promise though; there will be time for other desires to take shape and the momentum you create as you arrive at your first desired outcome will likely carry you into a favorable pace for the next one on your list.  

As always, I’m here if you need a little extra nudge.  Bringing a guide on board - creating a team - is just another way of building out even more intention and focus.  

This stuff lights me up…you know where to find me.  :)

Love & Gratitude,

Katie  

The Art of Practicing Joy

After a decade of working as a therapist and holding space for the brave, beautiful stories I encounter along the way, I’ve had a curious finding.  Not one of these stories is identical, yet there is a familiar melody that builds if you back up and listen from a distance.  It’s like sitting on the back porch after a long day in the sweaty palm of summer as the crickets and katydids show off their grand cacophony against the stillness at dusk.  No song is in perfect harmony, yet the dissonance makes perfect sense.  

I’ve found this common theme checks out despite age, race, gender, or religion.  Ready for this?  Here it is: 

Humans are terrified of Joy.  

Beyond anger, sadness, grief, shame—you name it—we are far more resistant to feel joy than other emotions.  

In fact, in a 2013 paper published in the Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, a study shows that people with depression often steer away from activities that could bring about feelings of happiness and people with a tendency toward perfectionism may fear feeling happy because they’ve associated happiness with laziness or unproductive activities. 

Why is this?  

I call it “the other shoe syndrome.”  If we bask in moments of joy, small though they may be, eventually, the other shoe will drop, leaving us disappointed, or perhaps irresponsible, or even worse...empty.  We’re so afraid of the let down that we settle for scarcity and self-protect.  

Brené Brown says it best, “When we lose our tolerance for vulnerability, joy becomes foreboding.  As a result, we dress-rehearse tragedy and beat it (vulnerability) to the punch.” 

In other words, joy is too risky.  Something terrible might happen on the other side so we opt out altogether and dumb down desire.  After all, if we run tactics on the worst-case scenario, we have nothing to lose.  

Not so fast, Cowboy.  You simply can’t opt-out of vulnerability.  You’re not like the rest.  You want more.  Hell, you’re taking precious minutes of your day you’ll never get back to read a blog post about self-awareness and development.  Chances are, you’re also a little weird.  I sure hope so.

To walk around on the planet with a heartbeat and a dream we must practice vulnerability.  Expansion requires it.  But we must start with small steps and learn to rewire our brains if we wish to soften into joy.

How do we practice?  I’m convinced it’s a three-fold process.  

When Joy flashes her tooth-y grin in your direction, don't quickly look the other way—get curious.  Flirt with her, even if she’s there for just a minute. 

Then what? 

Pivot to gratitude.  Research shows the most joyful people in the world are also the most grateful.  This blows far beyond circumstance.  It’s a result of practice.  When we pivot to gratitude instead of scarcity, we build up new accessory muscles we didn’t know existed.  This, in turn, becomes habit over time.  

I like F. Scott Fitzgerald’s words, “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” 

In that practice of gratitude for this joyful moment—breathe it in—stay with it.  Brain science tells us it takes three deep breaths or eleven seconds to form a new neuropathway in your brain.  By basking in these joyful moments, you are literally rewiring your brain to make you a more wholehearted, receptive person. 

By the way, this post is really for me.  They all are.  We write what we know because we’ve had to learn it.  I’m guilty of constantly chasing the extraordinary.  In this chase, I miss out on the tiny, ordinary moments bursting with joy: the quiet flurry of snow, the faint song being played on the piano in the other room, a perfectly poured latte, my niece’s delicious laugh, a text from a friend “just saying hi.” These simple sightings of joy are oxygen for the soul.   

This joy, this “sharp and wonderful stab of longing” as Lewis describes, is bittersweet.  It’s the good and the bad, the black and the white.  It’s toggling the both-and.  This season, I’m committed to that creative tension.  I’m committed to practicing those tiny, two-degree shifts that bolster desire.  I don’t want to go it alone though. 

Will you join me?

Love & Gratitude,

Katie