3 Myths about Self-Care (and #2 might surprise you)

How do you practice self-care? You would be shocked how many times I’ve heard these two responses in therapy:

1. “What’s that?”

2. “Not very often. It feels selfish.”  

Thankfully, if you’ve had these same reflexes, you’re not alone. There’s no shame. This just means we’re a little confused about our most important relationship: the one with ourself.  

And I know what you’re thinking, “Spare me. Sounds so indulgent.”  

However, do you expect your car to run on empty?  Do you drive it around for months on end without gas or an oil change?  I’m not even a car person, and have been scared into submission to pay attention when that glorious red light signals E, nudging me to the nearest Twice Daily.   

My hunch is, you probably want to maintain your car so it doesn’t fall apart. 

Let’s take it a step further.  Do you expect your nearest and dearest relationships or marriage to thrive without an occasional phone call, text or date night reminding them of your love and appreciation?  

Again, I’m guessing you’re pretty good at showing others you care.  In fact, you’re probably great at it.  Why?  Because it’s socially accepted—even encouraged—and there’s an immediate reward on the other side.  When we show intrinsic kindness to others, we are often appreciated back in some way.  

So why do we neglect the one relationship that is the most constant and powerful of all? Make no mistake, I’m a person of deep faith who believes in and loves God.  Yet, even John Calvin said, “Without knowledge of self, there is no knowledge of God.”  

If we practice self-care and learn how to relate to ourselves in a kind and compassionate way, we are then primed to love the world in a more authentic, generous way. 

If you’re still on the fence, I want to bust a few myths you might buy into that hold you back from practicing some necessary self-care:

1) Self-care equals selfishness:

This is a biggie.  However, self-care is actually highly responsible, adult behavior.  It’s learning to take care of yourself instead of obsessively tending to other people.  In doing so, we learn that part of our job here on earth is to be responsible for our needs and desires instead of undermining them for the sake of others.  Jesus said, “Love your neighbor as yourself.”  This suggests without knowing how to love myself, I don’t know how to love my neighbor.  

Right before take-off, the flight attendant does her thing and gives you instruction for safe travel.  The part that always sticks with me is when she says to first put on your oxygen mask before that of others, even small children.  We love others better when we start with ourselves.  

2) Self-care is takes too much time and effort

“I don’t have time for self-care.” I hear this a lot from mothers.  I quickly retort, “Well do you have time for a mental or physical breakdown?”  The answer is always no. Self-care is made up of a loving mindset that allows for tiny, two-degree shifts in behavior towards yourself.  I’m not asking you to soak in a bubble bath all day, I’m asking you to start regarding yourself with kindness.  Start listening to your needs and take tiny actions to meet them.  

3) I don’t deserve self-care
Dear one, if this is your unconscious go-to belief, you may be carrying a heavy, hurtful burden.  I know from experience there is another way.  Perhaps the first place to start is a trusted friend or therapist to unpack past experiences or relationships that led you to believe this.  Your birthright as a human being is to have needs and desires and get them met.  God didn’t leave you out of this equation.  You’re invited into the feast of wholeness just because you’re here and you’re you.  Please reach out if you feel alone in this space.  

Love & Gratitude,
Katie

P.S.  Interested in learning more about yourself, self-care, and the Enneagram?  I’ve got an exciting opportunity for you if so!  Click here for more info.   

Keep the Chocolate, Skip the Judgment.

Remember way back to that vaguely familiar feeling you had on New Year’s Day?  I know, it might take some focus.  For me, this feels like a year ago.  

How did you ring in 2019? Did you have high hopes in a New Year’s Resolution that felt shiny and hopeful?  Perhaps you wanted to start saving more money, lose some weight, or learn Italian.  Where are you with these resolutions today?  Have you managed to stick with them? Are you flirting with the idea of giving it another go? Or, like me, did you abandon them about three weeks in when boredom set in and you needed to shake things up again? (read: return to the old familiar ways).  

Guess what? Whatever your response—wherever you find yourself on the spectrum of personal goals and fulfillment is exactly where you’re meant to be, in my book at least.  Why? Because your journey is just that…yours.  

Tara Mohr says it beautifully, “Where we think we need more self-discipline, we usually need more self-love.”

Last Wednesday was Ash Wednesday, or the first day of Lent, a 40-day season in the traditional Catholic Liturgical calendar.  During this season, many people commit to a form of fasting or “giving up” something they normally tend to rely on or enjoy.  The usual suspects are sugar, alcohol, social media, swearing, or some form of junk food.  One year I gave up wine only to adopt a new found fascination with beer, which in turn jacked up my digestion and created a constant craving for all things salty.  This made me highly bloated and lasted only a week.  Also, I missed the point entirely…or did I?

Call me unspiritual, weak, or a lush.  Whatever. I can handle it.  What I can’t handle is the violent judgment we inflict on ourselves and our good intentions the minute we fall short of the, often fear-based, strict expectations we place on ourselves.  

Make no mistake, seasons of fasting or going without can be helpful. Though I am no poster child for this spiritual practice, I do believe it to be a powerful tradition that ultimately helps create greater balance and clarity in our lives.  However, finding yet another opportunity to lather up in the shame shower of “not enough” ultimately separates us from a higher, loving, spiritual pursuit.  

Now if I chose to give something up for Lent or other spiritual reasons, I make sure to check the motive and most importantly, the way I relate to myself in the process.  After all, these seasons are meant to create more connection with ourselves and Higher Power, not more distance.  

Whether you consider yourself spiritual or not, I’d like to invite you into a 40-day season of mindful awareness.  Basically, what you will be mindful of during this season is the self-judgment you have on a daily basis (and we all have it).  

Hear me out: I’m challenging you to be a neutral observer of your harsh inner critic not try to fix anything.  We all need discernment as we move through our days.  This is not the self-judgment I’m referring to.  

Perhaps your self-judgment is so engrained you don’t even notice it.  That’s okay.  The first step in any healing journey is always awareness.  So, our work is to wake up to the inner dialog and resulting treatment of ourselves on a daily basis.  

Not only will this improve our overall self-worth and emotional experience, it will transform your relationships with others.  Typically, if we practice heavy judgment towards ourselves, we do the same with others.  

To support this season of mindful-awareness and greater compassion, I’m leaving you with a short reflection from May Cause Miracles by Gabby Bernstein.  It’s meant to encourage you and remind you it’s not all up to you over the next 40-days.  Take a screen shot of it and read it aloud once or twice a day.  Then, allow yourself to simply sit with it for a minute or two.  

I surrender.  Today I turn over all the fearful projections that I have placed upon myself.  I release all self-doubt and attack today.  In this moment, I choose to let it all go.  I am willing to be guided to new projections.  I am willing to love myself again.  Inner Guide, please take the steering wheel and show me how to truly surrender my fear so I can wholeheartedly love myself again.  

So go ahead, keep your chocolate. I say we skip the judgement instead…

Love & Gratitude,
Katie   

Summertime & the Livin' is Easy

I did a little experiment over the past two weeks. You may have noticed you didn’t hear from me. (At least I hope you noticed!) 

I tagged along with my husband to Maui as he had some meetings down there. This didn’t suck. The meetings fell right before our two-year wedding anniversary, so we made a little vacation out of it. I had never been to Maui, nor Hawaii for that matter, and it was simply stunning—paradise for sure. All the rumors are true.

That wasn't the experiment, though.

Here’s the experiment: I decided I would give myself permission to live way outside the lines during the nearly two weeks I was away. This meant if I wanted to sleep in, I’d sleep in. If I wanted to lay by the pool and drink fruity drinks with umbrellas in them, I did. If I wanted to go for a long walk, I’d go. If I wanted to eat french fries and banana bread for lunch, bon appétit. I didn’t work…at all. I let the meditation slide as well as writing and daily exercise and all the things that keep me feeling grounded.

Side note: I have a tendency to want to be overly productive, and this idea of rest feels more like a dirty four-letter word than a blessing.  Also, I don’t like to sit still very much. I can’t remember the last time I went on vacation for more than one week and there wasn’t some type of work involved. For example, last summer we went to the beach for a week and instead of frolicking in the ocean, I spent nearly three-to-four hours a day writing copy for my website or editing a podcast.  Then I’d go for a run. Then I’d go sit on the beach with a book for around thirty minutes until I got bored again.

I realize this is not a way to live and there’s not even the faintest whiff of balance baked in. I’m very much working on this, hence the experiment.

Needless to say, this experiment was a failure. I managed to finish, but barely. I didn’t feel like myself. I felt completely disconnected and discombobulated…all the “dis” words. Don’t judge me.

Also, please believe me, I am over-the-top grateful for the time away in such a magical place! We had the most fun. Yet, I learned a crucial lesson from my “research" (besides the fact that I’m a work in progress): rest looks different for everyone and doesn’t mean we disconnect from ourselves. 

This is important for you and I as we roll into the summer months. Why? Because I strongly believe we can develop the summer blues just as easily as we can the winter ones. The cause isn’t necessarily a lack of vitamin D though; it’s a sneaking and oh-so-subtle disconnection from purpose. I say this a lot, and it’s worth repeating: the opposite of depression isn’t happiness, it’s purpose.

It can be so easy to disconnect from purpose and the structures that promote a sense of grounding when June rolls around, especially if you work for yourself or have a non-traditional work schedule. School’s out, travel ramps up, and porch hangs abound. It’s a glorious time to connect with friends and family, yet it’s also a ripe time to let self-care slide among other things.

With this shift at hand, I have three simple reminders to put in your back pocket as you embrace the lazy days of summer:

Know thy rest
Do your own experiment in order to better understand what you need in terms of rest. This doesn’t mean follow my extreme lead and swing hard in the other direction. For example, I feel most rested when I’m tuned into desire and filling up my creativity tank doing things like exploring new places, cooking for friends, or reading a good book. I get anxious when I watch Netflix in the middle of the day.

Your version may look much different and include periods of totally unplugging and taking catnaps in the afternoon. Neither way is right or wrong. The important thing is to find what you need in order to facilitate renewal in the season you’re in.

Dogs need fences
After about two days of roaming about in the wild and wooly unknown parts of the neighborhood, chances are your dog will miss the safety and consistency of your fenced-in backyard.  We, for the most part, are the same. Structure is a good thing and truly helps us stay connected to what we deep down desire, which I believe to be connection and purpose. Sure, we all need to get off the grid at times, yet consistency over time builds emotional resilience, and I have a strong suspicion you are here because you want to experience more of that. I know I do.

Give yourself some grace
In the end, the most important thing you can give yourself (and others) is grace and compassion. More than structure, more than purpose, more than self-care—you name it. Self-compassion and radical acceptance beget desired outcome much faster than a fear-based need to control. I love this quote:

“Where we think we need more self-discipline, we usually need more self-love.”
- Tara Mohr

I sincerely hope you’re easing into this summer season with equal parts desire and grace…and a heavy dash of amusement.

Love & Gratitude,
Katie

Listen Closely - Your Life is Trying to Talk

I'm a big advocate for the sacred process of finding your voice—and courageously learning to use it.

In my experience, slowly crossing the threshold of confidence into the land of self-compassion and acceptance gave me this newfound freedom and excitement to be heard and seen.

It’s kind of like waking up on Christmas morning as a kid, getting that one cherished toy you’d been asking for but thought your folks probably forgot…but then they came through. All you want to do is keep it close and show it off.  You love everyone, even your younger brother. The world is a beautiful place. You’re so proud and you can’t stop talking about it.

It may annoy people for a minute, and that’s okay, they’ll get over it…they love you too.

What I quickly learned along the way is this: in order to truly find your voice and speak from that sacred heart space, you must first learn to listen really closely and often.

I love what Parker Palmer says in one of my all-time favorite books on finding your calling, Let Your Life Speak (a must read if you haven’t already…super short too.)

He says, “Before I can tell my life what I want to do with it, I must listen to my life telling me who I am.” 

Sounds esoteric, right?  I actually think it’s us who overcomplicate things.

To create, we must get still and present. We must lean into the unknown. We must…listen.

Just as a flower grows and blooms from a tiny seed, you and I have everything we need to thrive locked safely inside us. Sure, we may need to nurture that part of us with inspiration and encouragement, but I assure you, it’s all in there.

As a species, humans are created to thrive and succeed, not to merely survive. Our creative imaginations are what sets us apart from other species. Inside of you, there is a creative mechanism that is fully capable of getting you from merely existing to succeeding.

That’s right, you get to create the life you love.

What happens so often though, is that we get lazy, want to be told what to do, and as a result, autopilot through life. No wonder we wake up mid-thirties or forties with a serious purpose deficiency and a bad back in search of a pill or a promise that will make us feel alive again.  

We’ve not been listening. We’ve been busy, hustling, fitting in.

So we’ve got a spectrum here. You may have recently unlocked this stunning, shiny voice of yours and you really like using it. The test drive is intoxicating. Or, you may be completely shut down, confusing everyone else’s demands and desires with your own. You’re exhausted and maybe even a bit resentful.  

Either way, the next best step is to slow down, take several very deep breaths, and simply listen. Feel your feet on the floor and your spine growing up from your seat. Notice the sensations inside your body; they’re talking alright. Give the tension a little time-out; you can pick her up in just a minute.

This is your true self. This is the space free of ego. This is where, with some practice, your life will speak to you in profound and sweet ways. This is the power of presence inside of you. It’s the magnificent Motherload. Let’s give it a listen.

Love & Gratitude,
Katie
xoxo