Extreme much? Here's another way...

I remember sitting in my therapist’s office several years ago (probably twelve).  Gail was her name and she’s everything a brilliant therapist is in my mind: accepting, compassionate, wise, firm, seasoned by her own broken story, and the kind of listener that makes you feel like you’re the only soul on the planet. 

I was in the chapter of my life I refer to as the “falling” stage.  Everything around me seemed to be crumbling and my job was to let it do so against every ounce of my will.  She held the sacred space for that painful season to unfold.  At every break, she simply wanted to better understand me, not try to fix me.  Gail saw me.

Have you ever been in that frustrating place where the best and safest thing to do is NOT break the fall?  I’ve often heard this with surfing and skydiving, for example (two pastimes I have zero experience with). In my understanding, there are actual ways we must learn to fall—to lean into the plummet. 

Resisting with tension, grit, and that secret stash of Xanax bars you snaked from your mama’s medicine cabinet aren’t included.

Gail patiently taught me how to fall, over time.  Something she said to me one day, in the vortex of my despair was, “Katie, it doesn’t have to look a certain way.  You get to choose.” 

Those words stuck with me perhaps more than anything else she ever said.  Funny how that works isn’t it?  We usually remember much more poignantly how people make us feel, not necessarily what they say.  However, these are some of the few words still glued on.

Much of my struggle was existing in a world of extremes—all-or-nothing thinking—you know,  “either-or.”  Either I would be alone and depressed my whole life with little hope for anything or I’d be Miss Perfect: married with kids, a clear cut path forward, an enviable career, oh, and liked by all.

Looking back, I’m so grateful that zipped up idea of success stayed just that, an idea.  

Falling for me meant moving from this dualistic, binary brand of extremes and living into the open relief that life, in fact, didn’t have to look a certain way.  It could be the messy middle, or, the “both-and.” 

I could feel striking depression and understand that hope was available.  I could feel lonely, longing for relationship and community and know that it very well may look different in several weeks time.  I could long for certainty and lean into the unknown.  Richard Rohr calls it “holding creative tensions.” 

Holding the tension between a longing and its unmet fulfillment is indeed a creative, tight space.  It looks a whole lot like faith.

Does your extreme thinking feel exhausting?  Do you find yourself awfulizing situations by projecting worst-case scenarios onto perfectly neutral possibilities? If so, I feel you. It’s a relentless crapshoot. 

I believe that old way of “either-or” is how we learned as kids to make sense of the world growing up.  However, as adults that rigid mindset needs some revising.  What if we could practice a softer, more curious approach? 

Next time you get stuck in either-or thinking, simply notice it, honor it, and let it be.  Then ask yourself what you’re needing in the moment.  Is it hope, acceptance, a friend, time, or provision? 

Find the space in that very moment that allows for the lack as well as the possibility.  “I’m overwhelmed with deadlines, and, I know there is light at the end of the tunnel.” Or “I’m so angry with my friend and how she’s treating me, and, she may be really struggling right now.”  

Let’s lean into the contemplative, creative space that invites more possibility, yes?    

Love & Gratitude,
Katie

Ritual - The Secret Sauce for Success

I remember watching the Grammy’s on TV one year.  Gosh, it must have been over a decade ago. I’d always had this magical view of artists who’d “made it” and somehow found themselves on stage at the Staples Center performing at music’s biggest night.  That year, for whatever reason, this delusional veil lifted as I realized these superstars weren’t born overnight—they worked their asses off to get there.  

I think it was an interview I read with John Mayer, who won Best Pop Vocal Album for Continuum that year.  He described basically locking himself up with his guitar for an entire year in order to master the instrument and craft that gave him entry into such grand rooms throughout his impressive career.  

His charge to aspiring musicians was simple: practice and then practice some more. Become so good they can’t ignore you.

As a follow up to last week’s blog post, Why Therapy hasn’t Worked for You, I want to explore the power of ritual, or practice, as a way to tangibly see the desired outcomes you’ve dreamed of for awhile now.  

Just like physical fitness, creative mastery, financial success, and other goals you’ve set your sight on, emotionally thriving takes practice.  We don’t show up to the gym twice a month and expect to see dramatic results.  There are several variables to consider: diet, metabolism, sleep, hydration, mindset, and most of all, consistency.  

So why do we expect to show up to therapy a couple times a month and see transformation take place?  Not to be a buzz kill, but we simply won’t.  If we want results, sure, talking about what’s not working is a good place to start.  Yet we must also start practicing a new way of living in order to experience a new way of being.  

Again, the operative word here being “practice.”  

I like to use the word ritual because it’s prettier and has this spiritual sheen to it.  In many spiritual traditions, rituals are used to create order and accentuate the sacred nature of that which is worshiped.  

Not to get too woo woo, but we are in fact soulful creatures with unique callings to inhabit while here on the planet.  That said, I believe we must treat each day as sacred, intentionally creating structure and reminders around the things that help us thrive.  

The first step in personal transformation is simple: wake up!  We must consciously show up each day in our lives and challenge the sleepy trance of forgetfulness.  After all, we make really bad decisions when we forget the truth of who we are.   

I want to support you as you create rituals in your daily experience that will help you unearth your deepest desires.  However first, you must know where you’re going. 

I’ll leave you with this simple question as a navigation tool: what do you want?  

That’s your ticket, my friend.  The answer to this question determines where you spend your precious time and energy.  It also gives you a prescription for what and how to practice.

So go dream—big and wild.  Give your fear a well-deserved day off.  You can have her back tomorrow.  For now though, sky’s the limit.

Love & Gratitude,

Katie  

Why Therapy Hasn't Worked for You

I hear it all the time. “Yeah, I spent five years in therapy with not much to show for it but a lot less time and money!”

This fires me up.  It also makes me sad for those unwilling to try a different approach.  

I believe psychotherapy is incredibly powerful for anyone wanting a deeper sense of wholeness and belonging. Yet oftentimes it serves more as a regurgitation of past trauma and dysfunction instead of a place to gain tools of empowerment for a new tomorrow.  That said, we tend to learn the wrong skill set in therapy: how to play the victim.  

Good therapists most definitely hold space to unpack the often brutal stories of our past.  In order to write a compelling story with you playing the hero instead of the victim, it’s necessary to unearth expired lies and lay them to rest.  However, good therapists won’t leave you back there.  

I’ve been a student of Dr. Joe Dispenza’s work as of late.  He explores this topic neurologically and absolutely nails it.  Check this out:

“The stronger the emotion that we feel from some external event in our life, the more altered we feel inside of us as a result of that condition outside of us and the more we pay attention to the cause.  The challenge is, every time we think about that trauma, we’re producing the same chemistry in the brain and body as if it was happening again.  What that does is it activates a survival gene.  And when you’re in survival, what you want to do is make sure that that doesn’t happen again. “

When we lock into this type of survival mode, we often forecast worst-case scenarios.  Guess what?  Our brain doesn’t know the difference between the imagined state we create and reality. Therefore we stay trapped in that old victim mentality and it tends to play out over and over again moving forward. 

Here’s my point: therapy often doesn’t work because we spend so much time talking about our past to the point we are literally reliving it.  Where focus goes, energy flows, therefore creating a habit of attention so strong and involuntary, it becomes nearly impossible to create new life-giving possibilities and successes in our lives.  How could we?  All our energy is being funneled into past emotions of survival long after the immediate threat is gone.  

My approach is different.  I’m convinced if we’re interested in creating lasting change, we need an experience to support us as a whole person, not just a cognitive one, from the neck up.  

Yes, we need a safe space to tell our stories—100%.  Yet we also need an experience of transformation as opposed to a conversation.  I believe this happens through daily practices and community, or the group process.  

If this peaks your interest, amazing.  You’re in the right place.  I’ll be bringing you a bit more on the specifics of this over the next few weeks.  

If you’re ready to dive right in, simply hit reply and drop me a line.  I always love hearing from you.

Love & Gratitude,

Katie 

Do You Believe in Magic?

I turn 40 next month.  I’m also six months pregnant…for the first time ever.  To say that my overall view of the world (and barely visible toes from standing position) have changed in the last year would be a huge understatement.  I must say, magic feels a bit more possible now than it ever did.  

That’s not to say it’s been a leisurely walk through Central Park either.  My journey’s been hard, much like yours I imagine, wrought with heartache, loss, tough lessons, dark nights, and spells of aching loneliness.  I’ve grown to savor the days of lovely normalcy that lend a softer cadence on which to build my dreams.  

But how do we get there? To that faraway land with less loneliness and more magic?

Good news, you won’t need wings to take you from powerlessness to unhindered possibility…you need belief.  

Belief can often feel ephemeral or tough to pin down—a bit like Maria in Sound of Music.  I think we overcomplicate it.  I like what Abraham Hicks says, “A belief is just a thought I keep thinking.”  

Over time, the thoughts we habitually think become deeply ingrained beliefs, so deep they’re automatic.  Guess what?  Those insular thoughts, practiced over time, predict the way we feel, both physically and emotionally.  Our feelings create motivations that directly steer our actions and decisions.  You know the rest.  Eventually, we wake up and have unconsciously built out a life we either love or resent.  I use the word unconsciously because, as I mentioned, this process can be so involuntary and trance-like, we barely even know it’s happening.  

The biggest mistake we make as we embark on this journey of self-discovery and growth is to wait for outside circumstances to change before we allow ourselves to feel better.  We assume “Once I lose ten pounds” or “get the guy” or “have a million dollars” or whatever (those tend to be the top three contingencies mind you), we will feel a sense of peace and control over our lives.   

Spoiler alert: it never works. 

The fastest, most failsafe way to reach our desired destination is to start from within. Why? Because this inner sanctum is the prime real estate where desires are birthed and visions built.  This sacred space is yours alone, unaffected by things and people. 

We build this interior castle brick by brick, choosing our beliefs, or the thoughts we keep thinking, with intention and practice.   


What is it you want to create more of in your life?  No, I don’t have a magic wand for you to borrow.  I have something far more powerful.  You do too.  It’s the power to shape your life over time, moment by moment.  It’s the ability to re-wire your life and your mind.  

How?  Ask yourself this question every morning: What is it I want to feel more of today?  Confidence? Love? Security? Freedom? Once you decide, write down five thoughts to think about that will cultivate this feeling in your life.    

Just like anything, we master what we practice.  Get ready, because this is where the real magic happens…


Love & Gratitude,
Katie  

My Gift to You - Perfect Timing

They say timing is everything.  I’ll agree with that.  However, when it comes to deepening self-awareness and overall quality of life, the perfect timing is always now.  I used to think I had to wait for a catastrophic event to explode on the scene in order to garner precious time and energy to “work on me” so to speak.  

What about you?  Do you tend to brush minor hurts, dashed hopes and dreams, and resentments under the rug only to deal with them “when the time is right?” And who’s to say when the time is right or wrong?

Obviously, we do have to compartmentalize painful stuff along the way in order to show up and meet the demands of work, parenting, and other projects we’re invested in.  The problem with waiting for the right time is we often put it off too long which in turn creates further unforeseen problems for ourselves and others.  It’s like driving your car without ever getting an oil change.  Eventually, manageable maintenance issues become harrowing expenses we could’ve easily avoided. 

My point is this: now is the time to invest in you and take back the power in your life.  This doesn’t have to look extreme or exhausting either.  

When we decide to show up for ourselves and work with what we’ve got where we’re at, we not only circumvent larger scale implosions down the road, we put into motion tiny two-degree shifts that over time, create massive upgrades in all areas of our lives. 

When you board a plane in Nashville headed for London, the pilot follows a detailed flight plan that takes into account all sorts of possible interruptions.  While you’re flying, you don't feel many noticeable deviations or sudden turns, unless turbulence becomes an issue.  In fact, if your pilot’s navigation is even one degree off, guess what happens?  You’ll end up in Morocco or something.  (Okay, geography isn’t my strong suit, but you get my point.) I imagine Morocco is magical, yet you bought a ticket to London.  

What I'm getting at is it doesn’t take much of a shift to create the dramatic results you’re looking for over time.  It does, however, require you to make the decision to start now, with what you’ve got.  

What holds you back from this courageous decision?  Don’t laugh at that word choice, either.  Oh, I know you…. 

Why is this courageous?  Because to be willing to look honestly and openly at the peaks and valleys of your story is a highly vulnerable process.  We don’t know what we’ll find.  We can’t predict how we’ll react.  To be vulnerable always requires courage.

And yet there is nothing more vulnerable and uncertain in this life than to love.  

Take the first step today and say yes (with feeling) to the adventure.  I don’t make many promises in my line of work, but I assure you, you certainly won’t be bored.  

Love & Gratitude,

Katie