The Blog

Going Deeper Into the Enneagram Community

There is no power for change greater than a community discovering what it cares about.

- Margaret Wheatley

Something I get asked often is “how do I use the Enneagram for personal growth and transformation?” And I love it!  

Why? Because I often fear folks misuse the Enneagram and use it to weaponize others (“Oh, Katie, you’re such a 4!), or as an excuse for bad behavior, (i.e. “I can’t help isolating when I feel misunderstood, I’m a 4 on the enneagram after all!”).

I get it.  Part of discovering our type is identifying with its tendencies and patterns. But if we stay in that space, never progressing to the transformational power of the tool, we sell ourselves short.  

Sure, there are lot’s of helpful enneagram tools out there online and on social media to deepen our knowledge and understanding, but again, there is SO MUCH MORE!  

A big part of growth and development is community.  We don’t heal in isolation, we heal in relationship.  Having a safe (very important) place to commune with other(s) (safe people) and explore the beautiful complexity of our Enneagram type and how we use the tool to create dynamic, impactful lives and relationships is key.  

But where can we find this?  

Ahhh, I’m so glad you asked!  I’ve been waiting to share with you the details of this special opportunity for a while now.  Beginning at the end of this month and going through the end of July, I’m hosting an Enneagram mastermind group in partnership with the Nashville City Club downtown.  It will be an intimate, closed group of 10 likeminded people journeying through a detailed curriculum I’ve been creating for some time.  It will be a time to make new friends, practice newfound personal insights, and put the enneagram to its incredible use.  

The best part of this group?  It happens on a Wednesday evening in a gorgeous space with delicious food and drinks and a view of Nashville to die for.  If you’re interested, click here for all the details.  There are a few spots left (and a waiting list you can join for our next one!) 

I can’t wait to go deeper with you into this creative enneagram community so soon!

 
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Why You Keep Overcommitting

“Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire.”

- Catherine of Siena

I used to be a lot sweeter.  I used to say yes most of the time.  I used to jam pack my days into nights with everything from coffee/lunch meetings to work (obvi) to school to long phone conversations with friends in need to shows and dinners and…you get it—contained chaos.  

Yet I worked so hard and simultaneously complained about feeling overwhelmed with little to show for it.  “What gives?”  I’d wonder this to myself more days than not.

Around age 34, I woke up to a cold, hard realization. It wasn’t pretty either.  I realized I was overcommitting to others out of fear and obligation, and in the process, was under-serving myself.  I was playing small in my life due one of two possible self-diagnoses (or probably both):

  1. FOMO (fear of missing out) 

  2. FOBA (fear of being alone).  

Basically, fear and scarcity were running the show, which is really about self-worth, not time-management.  

I would drop everything to help others actualize their dreams, but when it came to pushing mine forward, I was the one missing in action.  I’d rather procrastinate the deep work of creating my vision in order to pick up the pieces for others around me.  It was an immediate, (if not false) hit of belonging straight to the old ego.  

I also found I wasn’t as sweet as I’d been letting on.  Behind the saccharine-laced veil, I was cynical and resentful, constantly comparing myself to others and critical of my inability to make something happen.    

I started making some changes.  I got more honest…less sweet.  I started taking forensic inventory as to what I wanted and shifted my priorities around to facilitate those things.  You know what I wanted? To be seen, heard, and to affect change in the world.  Baby-step after baby-step, I started waking up to these desires—and honoring them.  After all, no one else could ever do this for me.  Sure, I could put support in place, but I had to do the work.  And this “work" actually smelled like joy. 

Bumpy at best, I’m still on the journey, yet I’ve found greater congruence and confidence in this new way.  I’ve also found tons more time to appropriate to the meaningful relationships that matter most to me.  

Oh, but there’s something else you should know.  A reckoning of sorts took place.  That hit I mentioned earlier? Well, at the core of all my “overwhelm” that kept me spinning out of control was a gaping hole I was desperately trying to fill: my needs for love, acceptance, and belonging.  

I woke up to the unflattering reality that I was spread so thin in an effort to get these core needs met, and in the process, abandoned myself and my desires altogether leaving a bad aftertaste of resentment and utter discouragement.  

If you find yourself constantly overcommitting and overwhelmed, I’ve got good news for you: 

You can step off the treadmill at any time.  You can choose something different—something resonant and true for you.  Yet, In order to see your dreams become reality, you must be willing to let go of some extra baggage:

  1. The belief that other people need you more than you need you.

  2. Saying yes to too many social obligations to be nice and fit in.

  3. Staying busy to avoid your needs and desires.

  4. Toxic relationships that breed self-doubt. 

  5. Any reason that convinces you that you don’t have what it takes (aka fear).

  6. Comparison with others (Is all that screen time really necessary?).

  7. Playing the victim when setbacks arise (and they will).


My hunch is, you want to be seen too.  I sure hope so—It’s your birthright! You weren’t created to hide behind the agendas of other people.  You weren’t created to be nice.  You weren’t even created to be liked.  Let’s face it, you’re not for everyone.  You were created to be the most beautiful, bold, and true YOU imaginable.  Oh, she’s in there, alright.  And she’s a force of nature.  Yes, we need to see her.… 

 
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A New Approach to Clean Living

“The universe buries strange jewels deep within us all, and then stands back to see if we can find them.”

- Elizabeth Gilbert

Almost every Tuesday for the last seven years, I’ve been writing these posts.  I’ve mentioned this before, but it bears repeating: I write them because I need them.  I don’t presume you or anyone will read them, let alone actually enjoy them.  If for some reason they resonate, I’m truly honored, but more than that, I’m aware that this is because you already know and value their message deep inside you.  I’m not telling you anything new and profound—perhaps just reminding.

There’s this Bible verse, or phrase really, I grew up loving, “As deep calls to deep…”  I’m not going to pretend to know or explain what that means in a Biblical context, yet I know what it means to you and I here.

When you feel resonance with a message, a quote, a song, or a walk in nature, it’s because the goodness of that truth and beauty already lives inside you.  It’s a powerful energetic match being made.  A sacred hallelujah! Or Aha!  It’s the stuff we own.  The stuff we honor.  The stuff of value we savor and protect deep inside.  It’s proof we’re all invited and interwoven into the rich tapestry of Grace.

Something I’ve been savoring lately is the beauty of simplicity and brevity.  It’s an invitation into the now—that clean moment of consciousness—of fullness.  Sure, it comes and goes in an instant, yet we are there.  We are all there (if we want to be).  

The abundance of that moment gently collapses over into the next like a domino.  These moments are clean because they keep us tethered to reality, not somewhere cloudy in the past or future, both of which are tempting, yet tough to hold onto like a slick fish flailing for its freedom.

Creativity, though messy, happens in the fullness of the clean present.  A massive part of my healing has been the creative process, namely writing.  I’m convinced it’s part of your journey too.  

And yes,  I’m calling your bluff as you roll your eyes and silently retreat, “But I’m not creative!”  

Back it up.  

Part of your birthright as a human being is to make stuff, whether that’s a story, a way out, a pie, a speech, or a plan.  You’re a born maker!  

I believe a big part of waking up to the gorgeous truth of who we are is owning that creative birthright, and in doing so, moving from consumer to creator.  

So what?  Well, I want to co-create with you.  I want to start conversations here that are short, meaningful, and most of all applicable for you in your now.  I want to give you back some time to go get your hands dirty with intention.  

I don’t want to walk through life in a sleepy haze.  I don’t want to survive or dial it in.  I want to crush it. Don’t you?

If you answered yes to that question (hopefully with feeling), you’re in the right place.  

We’re going to be streamlining the weekly blog to give you more time, more tools, and hopefully more inspiration to start creating more of what you love.  

You ready? 

Love & Gratitude,

P.S. Want to dive deeper into self-care and the enneagram?  Join the Practice today!

 
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Busting 3 Myths About Boundaries

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.”

- Brené Brown

If you’ve ever done therapy, you’ve probably learned a bit of the lingo. Words like self-care, codependent, empathy, projection, and boundaries to name a few, are all helpful as we excavate the depths of our inner worlds.  

There’s also quite a bit of misunderstanding surrounding “therapy talk,” if you will—especially boundaries.  So, I thought we should dig in a bit and gain clarity around the basics of boundaries and the three myths we get duped into believing about them.   

If you’re a recovering people-pleaser like me, you’re well aware of how important boundary-setting is as well as integrating that scary little, “no” cringe-word into your regular vocabulary.  If I made the hair on your neck stand up just now, I’m so glad you’re here.  Read on.

As I’ve worked as a therapist in private practice for over a decade now, I’ve collaborated with countless courageous people longing to feel less resentful and more joyful in their lives.  I’ve found that at the heart of this noble pursuit lies the invitation to set better boundaries.  

Dr. Henry Cloud, author of the seminal book, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life, describes boundaries:

“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom. Taking responsibility for my life opens up many different options. Boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out. Setting boundaries inevitably involves taking responsibility for your choices.”

Brené Brown says it simply this way, “boundaries tell us what’s okay and what’s not okay.”  They also help us teach people how to treat us.  

If you’ve struggled with boundary-setting, you may be buying into a few myths surrounding them.  Let’s unpack three of them:

  1. Boundaries are selfish.  I get it, if you grew up trying hard to please the important people in your life, boundaries may feel a bit self-centered.  However, setting boundaries allows us to be truthful and generous at the same time.  They actually allow us to give to others over time from a place of grounding and integrity.  If you live and give without a margin of time, energy, and resources, you’ll eventually burn out and become resentful. 

  2. Boundaries will ruin my close relationships.  Wrong again.  Boundaries actually preserve the healthy relationships that matter most to you and weed out the ones that are toxic.  How?  As Dr. Cloud said, boundaries define us.  They allow for us to show up more authentically in relationships by taking ownership of our choices and our identities.  When we let our “no” be as good as our “yes,” we give others the opportunity to practice their own boundary-setting as well as deal with whatever comes up for them in their process around being told no.  People-pleasing is really just dishonesty with lipstick on.  Life-giving relationships must be built on truth and trust.  

  3. Boundaries are meant for the other person.  This is a subtle misunderstanding.  We often think we are setting boundaries for the other person in a relationship, however, it’s just the opposite.  Boundaries aren’t a punishment for the other person. We set boundaries to protect ourselves and they should be set with our own needs at the helm.  Boundaries are meant to protect our time, energy, emotions, joy, and overall health.  They help create structure from which to live—a scaffolding of sorts.  Think about a dog without a fence.  They simply aren’t as happy as when they have the safety and structure of boundaries and the provisions that come along with them to enjoy.  You and I have more in common with dogs than you might have known. ;)


So, the question to ponder this week is perhaps: what boundaries do I need to have in place to protect my joy and freedom?  

P.S. Want to dive deeper into self-care and the enneagram?  Join the Practice today!

 
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Your Grace: Practicing Abundance in Relationships

"Grace is the permanent climate of divine kindness; the perennial infusion of springtime into the winter of bleakness." -John O'Donohue

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There’s something worth noting about relationships: when stress levels and daily busyness rise, patience and grace for those closest to us take a sharp nosedive.  It’s like a scientific law or something.

The holiday season is a double-edged sword: on one side, it’s lovely and ushers in ample opportunity for joy and celebration. On the other side, it can drain us of every last ounce of peace we thought we’d hoovered up during the “off months” leading up.

Let’s face it, if there is a time that relationships fall prey to resentment and conflict, it is surely now.  

We hemorrhage money, we play the comparison game, we over-plan, we tend to indulge a wee bit, and we flat out go go go.  

Do you relate?  I’m curious, do any of your relationships take a hit this time of year?  Perhaps you notice a slightly deflated reserve of patience for friends and family that otherwise wouldn’t phase you?  

I know I do.  

Perfect example:  Thanksgiving Dinner was at our house this past week.  As much as I adore hosting dinner parties, this was my inaugural Thanksgiving Dinner.  I was stoked, to say the least.  

Now, as a recovering perfectionist, I swing slightly towards the control freak side of the spectrum.  (Ok, maybe "slightly" is generous.)  I drive a tight ship when it comes to culinary experiences and ensuring those present thoroughly enjoy their time.  This past year, I finally embraced the motto: Go big or go home.

I’d timed everything out just right: arrival at four, sunset aperitif and hor d’oeuvres at four thirty-five, and dinner around six.  I’d stayed up until midnight the night before designing the table and brining those poor birds.  I was all in.

Well, as you can probably detect, my perfect little plan didn’t quite fly.  I mean, it did, but in a way I hadn’t engineered, naturally.  My siblings missed the sunset, the appetizers weren’t ready on time, and I developed a big fat attitude.  

“I mean, where are they? They’re missing the best part! How rude.” 

My very lovely and kind mother looked straight at me and said two words very sternly, “GRACE, Katie!”

Those tiny words shook me, resetting my entire outlook faster than a costume change on Broadway.  

Grace…

The rest of the evening was so special, not because of anything I did or didn’t execute, but because of each person there and the unique gift they brought to the space and conversation that could never have been orchestrated by me or Martha Stewart for that matter.  

Here is a question for us this season: how can we practice abundance in our relationships and in doing so, extend more grace?  

Sure, we think of the holiday season as full—abundant.  What if we could build that picture up to include the practice of abundance with people?  

Practicing abundance in relationships may look different for you and me, however, here are a few quick ways to beef up our game:

  • Choose to believe the absolute best about people when they disappoint or hurt your feelings. Try not to make assumptions about them.
  • Intentionally cultivate positive, life-giving thoughts about people throughout the day whether it be a spouse, parent, co-worker, or friend.
  • Draw boundaries for yourself both physically and emotionally throughout the season so as not to grow tired and clumsy with those closest to you.  Clear, firm boundaries allow us to love from a far more authentic space in relationships.  
  • Be generous and intentional with your words.  I have a friend who always says, “If you see something beautiful in someone, speak it out.”  Our words are powerful and carry gravity in this relational and energetic world we live in, let’s practice abundance instead of scarcity with them.

Miguel Ruiz, author of The Four Agreements, got it right when he succinctly wrote,

“Be impeccable with your word.  Don’t take anything personally.  Don’t make assumptions. Always do your best.”  

Grace is something curious—exquisite.  In my understanding, we don’t earn grace, yet we’ve all received it at some point along the way, without merit and without cause.  Perhaps you know someone who extends grace to you in a way that feels expansive and incredibly safe.  Draw from that light, create that welcoming space for a weary soul who needs a soft landing pad.  We simply don't know the struggles those around us face, especially when we're wrapped up in our own little world.

Practicing abundance with people isn’t just for them, it is for you and me as well.  Grace is a legacy never forgotten.  This season, let’s pay it forward and give the gift of grace,  just because.  

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

xoxo

 
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