Failure (ish) – Beauty in the Breakdown Pt. 1

Last Monday I took the NCMHCE (National Clinical Mental Health Counseling Exam) for the second time. Last Monday I also failed it for the second time. Ouch. I know. Not only did I study literallydaily for three months—a miracle in and of itself as I am a chronic procrastinator and rarely study for stuff—BUT; I shelled out some serious cash twice to take the rugged thing. If I were going into the counseling business to make money, I would surely have pursued the licensure/testing realm of it instead of the practitioner side of it. Those people must make serious bank.  

SUCCESS IS WALKING FROM FAILURE TO FAILURE WITH NO LESS ENTHUSIASM.

– Winston Churchill

All of this aside, perhaps the most humiliating part of the experience is that people want to know how I did, friends and colleagues alike. These are people I admire, and who actually like me and are interested in me too—well, maybe. Talk about a tragic and shameful ego splattering all over the kitchen floor. Upon receiving the heartless print out reading “FAIL” across the top, I said some choice words loudly (sorry Mom), and bawled my eyes out all the way from that sterile, fluorescent-lit lobby in Brentwood to the dark side of the covers on my bed. Yep, I was going under. Even as I sit writing these words I realize God’s wry sense of humor, thinking back to my last blog that oozed of Self-Compassion. Self-What?  Yeah, not that day.  The screwtape sessions of my inner dialog sliced up any shred of kindness or understanding they could find.  

If you sense a bit of drama here and immediately think of those infomercials where they take a minuscule rash or burn and blow it up like a blimp to show how well their magical product works for dramatic effect, well, you might be onto something. As I’ve gotten a bit of space from that fragile state, I realize perspective gently sheds light on what is really true and important. So, if you can in any way identify with my experience, I ask you to put yourself in my shoes and think about how a similar experience of your own might have felt.  

What is failure anyway? And who holds the failure stick to determine if we pass go and proceed to Space Mountain or if we’re stuck with Grandma slowly getting dizzy on It’s a Small World? (Is it just me or was that ride strangely disturbing for anyone?). Seriously though, are we damned to failure every time we don’t meet a set of perceived expectations?  

Perhaps, if we are curious enough, we’ll find an open window letting in the light to more truth and opportunity on the other side of the fall?  

I know, I know, as my five-year-old behavior models, it is a far cry (no pun intended) to act out of a grounded self-awareness when we sit in the hot seat of our painful rejection. What I have learned is when we are triggered emotionally—just as I was after my test bomb—a fiery signal originates in the amygdala, the primal/survival part of our brain, and sends all kinds of emotions rushing through our bodies. Unfortunately, we hasten to make paralyzing self-judgments based on a surge of hormonal energy coursing through our bodies. 

Without making this an anatomy lesson I am unqualified to give, I want to leave you with some homework. For now, I want you to consider one simple word as you go about your days. Don’t overthink it or analyze it…just consider it. Your word is curiosity. 

What comes up for you when you notice that word? Intrigue, familiarity, enjoyment, frustration? Whatever it is…I believe it is important. Curiosity has been powerful for me this year in that it shifts me away from harsh judgment and nudges me toward empathy and openness. 

Try it on for size and let me know how it fits…

Love,

Katie

The Exquisite Practice of Self-Compassion

A couple weeks ago, I sat down with my friend and fellow therapist, Andy Smith of Hoperidge Counseling. It seems each time we catch up over coffee and discuss life, therapy, music, goals, etc., I leave feeling fully inspired. Collaboration is truly something valuable as it opens the proverbial wardrobe door into a Narnia-like place; one full of ideas and possibilities unseen thus far.

With so many moving parts forging full-steam ahead, my daily experience was housed in a state of somewhat contained chaos.

I had been feeling pretty stuck at the time, and not just in a professional sense. With so many moving parts forging full-steam ahead, my daily experience was housed in a state of somewhat contained chaos. Creatively and personally I was swimming upstream.  I don’t remember saying those exact words over coffee, but I am guessing my scatter-brained dialog and late arrival gave it all away. Plus, Andy’s had plenty of experience graciously observing and drawing out what’s really going on under the surface of countless clients in his work. Whatever the case was, we started in on this topic of self-compassion and man did it intrigue me.

Andy and I talked about some of the influential books we had read in the past year or so and he mentioned Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of being Kind to Yourself (purchase here), by Kristin Neff, PhD. As soon as I got home I ordered it.  It was an easy sell-what with Andy’s recommendation and Brene Brown’s endorsement across the top of the front cover boasting “A transformative read”. Done…in just two days I could devour it thanks to Amazon Prime.

This book has truly proven transformative, indeed. To be honest, I’ve grown a bit tired of self-esteem. Don’t get me wrong; self-esteem is vital for maintaining a positive view of ourselves and our experience. But it can be flimsy. It doesn’t cultivate the core infrastructure needed for honest, loving relationship with self and others as well as “wholehearted living” to borrow Brene’s term. Self-esteem feels like a fad diet of cabbage soup and egg whites (you’re welcome), while self-compassion introduces a much more balanced and satisfying approach.

Neff explains, “Although thousands of articles had been written on the importance of self-esteem, researchers were now starting to point out all the traps that people can fall into when they try to get and keep a sense of high self-esteem: narcissism, self-absorption, self-righteous anger, prejudice, discrimination, and so on. I realized that self-compassion was the perfect alternative to the relentless pursuit of self-esteem. Why? Because it offers the same protection against harsh self-criticism as self-esteem, but without the need to see ourselves as perfect or as better than others.”

We can go through the motions of gazing into the mirror and repeating “you’re beautiful” thousands of times and being intentional about self-care from week to week however the deeper understanding and acceptance of our frail humanity could still easily go overlooked. Self-esteem is a piece of the puzzle, but if it does not extend from the embrace of all those glorious imperfections that mark our story, we have shown up a day late for the ball.

I love the word exquisite. I loved it even more after looking up the actual definition. Merriam Webster tells it like this:

a :  marked by flawless craftsmanship or by beautiful, ingenious, delicate, or elaborate execution <an exquisite vase>

b :  marked by nice discrimination, deep sensitivity, or subtle understanding <exquisite taste>

Self-compassion is truly exquisite. Unscathed by the flashy trends of pop psychology, it is a deep, spiritual work, nuanced with an invaluable and delicate kindness. Not only this, but it requires a “subtle understanding” of our shared human experience, wrought with all kinds of success and failure.

Most of you reading this are easily moved to compassion for the loved ones in your life who suffer. Hell, you probably even experience this for countless others you don’t personally know. For example, take the horrific terrorist attacks in Paris and more recently in Brussels. I’m certain you didn’t hear the news and smugly mutter under your breath, “Well, they probably deserved that injustice”. Unthinkable. My hunch is you felt deep sorrow and were tweaked with anger upon the news of these atrocities.

If we are familiar with suffering, and we all are, why is it so difficult to extend this same grace to ourselves? Our circumstances may not be as extreme or newsworthy; however, the harshness with which we treat ourselves is tragically epidemic. What if instead we sit with an observing eye of our unique experience, witnessing that very real inner struggle, and offer words of understanding and compassion?

I hope this new spring season will inspire you in your own Exquisite Practice of Self-Compassion. If you want a great place to start, take the free Self-Compassion test here!

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

xoxo
As always, I value your feedback! Thoughts,  feelings, and ideas are most welcome…This is meant to be a conversation starter

Happy New Year – A Note on Goals

Happy New Year, friends! I write this with great expectancy and anticipation for a beautiful 2016. It seems as though the first several weeks of January bring a sparkling hope and determination to get back in the gym, learn a new instrument, back off from bad habits, and maybe even practice a bit more self-care and awareness. Some call these New Year’s resolutions; I like to call them goals. For whatever reason, goals seem easier to stick with and far less daunting. Whatever matter of wording serve your process best, I want to communicate my deep longing to support you in them this year.

Personally, 2015 was one for the books—a truly unforgettable year! After years of slowly building my practice and working several odd jobs along the way, I finally reached a pivotal point of streamlining all of my time and focus into my three loves: private practice, music, and writing. This leap was scary at first; however, it has proven to be the right move as the net of opportunity and provision have met me in mid-air. This would not have been possible had you not trusted me as part of your journey to wholeness AND believed in me enough to refer peers and loved ones as well. For this I cannot thank you enough.

When I say it is an honor to journey with you I cringe by its seeming triteness! I’m overwhelmed with pure gratitude for you and am in awe of your story. I am humbled by your courage to reach out for extra light and support—that is one of the most vulnerable things we can do as humans. I am inspired by your beauty and uniqueness; you are so very special and I love holding the space for you to embrace the inner wisdom that paves the road to increased acceptance and joy. So again, thank you for making the precious investment in therapy and for sharing your truly magnificent lives with me in 2015.

2015 was also a year of huge blessing in that I got engaged after many, many years of waiting. Finding someone who loves me unconditionally AND challenges me to be the best version of myself is a miraculous gift—and one definitely worth the wait. Contrary to the wildly romantic ideas of the classic movie Jerry McGuire, relationships and people do not complete us; however, we do grow and heal in the context of them- and of course are meant to very much enjoy them! I love how author Donald Miller captures this concept in his latest masterpiece, Scary Close, with the notion that we are “ companions in the longing.” Feeling safety and acceptance in this journey of longing is indeed a magical thing.

As we embrace this new year, I want to leave you with some wisdom my dear father has always lived by and continually shares with our family: Write down your goals. It doesn’t matter how big or small they are. Write them down. Care about yourself enough to look at them often and even tweak them along the way. There is something powerful that happens when we transpose our goals from their inner birthplace onto paper. It’s a sacred transfer. If you don’t know what you’re goals are yet, that’s ok! Pay attention to what brings you excitement and energy and go from there. Don’t judge your goals; just write them down. Carve out some time this month to journal about those heart longings; I believe they are vitally important to who we are. As I often say, we are most content when we are connected to our desires and making daily choices to align with them. I am here for you in this process; it is my joy and passion to work alongside you!

Love and Gratitude,
katie

Holiday Part 2 (Dreams)

A Dream and some songs.

After the hustle and bustle of Christmas and before the clinking glasses and hopeful toasts of New Year’s Eve, there is space; a lull of sorts.  That lull is about 6 days long and I absolutely love it.  Workloads tend to lighten, the Christmas tree is still lit, leftover fudge and Chex mix abounds, road rage lessens, and I get to don my cozy new boot socks Santa brought me.  Success!   Perhaps best of all though,   my overactive imagination runs hard and fast like Eric Liddell in the 1924 Summer Olympics (Insert: “Chariots of Fire” theme song).  This sacred space allows my introvert to really shine as I take inventory of the year: it’s joys, heartaches, awkward moments (you know you have them too…), losses, hilarities, and lessons learned.

If you have worked with me in a counseling setting,

I allow myself a good day if possible to just dream; to journal and visualize those things that I long for in the coming days, weeks, and months.  In therapy, we talk a lot about goals.  I am pretty sure I read somewhere that the happiest people around are really good at setting goals for themselves.  I am NOT referring to New Year’s resolutions. Those tend to create an impossible set of  rules based on obligation as opposed to desire, and often end in failure and frustration. Take the infamous  “get fit quick fix” we have all fallen prey to. If the resolution is to grace Barry’s Boot Camp at 5:30am, 7 days a week for a month, you will undoubtedly find me “exercising” my stubbornness as I double fist a triple grande latte and a cranberry scone at the corner Starbucks  instead.  Perhaps you have a different experience and if so I applaud you.

But what if we took our dreams and desires; those things that bring life, possibility, and excitement; and boiled them down into realistic, attainable goals?  What if there was a way to put some tangible probability to our dreams?  Personally, I want to finish a handful of songs and get back in the studio to record them after a year-long hiatus. (There, now I’ve said it. I’m committed and accountable!) What is that thing for you?  I would love to hear about them, brainstorm, and even journey with you as we turn 2015’s corner!  We all need support on our journeys as we reach toward those dreams and desires that make us the unique creatures that we are.

It’s Go time…

Just for kicks, and because I do love a good song, I have created a little playlist on Spotify for your dream-making, imagination-fueling, and goal-setting pleasure. They are some of my favorite songs of 2014.  I hope you enjoy…and would love to connect with you soon!

Happy New Year and Cheers to YOU!

Love and Gratitude,

(e)Motion – BarreAmped

I tend to feel a bit relieved when January rolls around. The holiday craze and/or blues have come and gone and the promise of renewal and possibility stir in my heart. Also, we inch towards more sunlight and longer days which is good news for all you seasonally affective joining me out there.

This winter, I want to focus a great deal of energy and intention on those things that we do have control over: our decisions, goals, beliefs, and last but definitely not least, our self-care. As mentioned in the last newsletter, realistic, attainable goals play such an integral role in our personal success. January often tempts us to make drastic changes or undergo extreme makeovers in the name of “New Year’s Resolutions”. Some may find real meaning in those. I personally do not. In fact, I haven’t met many that do, especially as it relates to our topic today: exercise.

I simply love that the word “emotion” is mostly made up of the word “motion.”  Whereas medication is often necessary, research proves over and over again that exercise is the quickest, most effective way to improve mood disorders and can be just as effective as anti-depressants over time. Even just a 20 minute walk can make a huge difference in a rough day!

One of Rebekah’s BarreAmped studios!

Many of you are already pro’s when it comes to regular physical exercise, however, if you are just starting out, Welcome! I am more than willing to partner with you to discover what you enjoy and will ultimately stick with. As an extra nudge, I want to introduce you to one of my best friends, Rebekah Ramquist, who also happens to own a killer fitness studio called BarreAmped Nashville. She teaches Spin as well as BarreAmped in three different locations around town, which you can learn more about by clicking on the link above.  She has graciously agreed to extend a special offer to us this winter as we look for a Mind-Body Reboot of sorts. Enjoy 5 BarreAmped classes for $35 and 5 Spin classes for $25…which is a total steal. These classes are amazing for men and women and I strongly encourage you to try them out! You will not be disappointed (maybe a bit sore though). To take advantage of the special, simply visit the website and you will have the option to sign up for new client specials. If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to ask!

Happy Sweating 

Love,