The Problem with Goals

Today’s thoughts are a bit more like a brain dump than a blog post.  (How’s that for a disclaimer?)  But I do think you may resonate, so stay with me.  

 I’ve been thinking a lot about goals lately.  Maybe it’s my over-active three wing (the Achiever) or maybe it’s something of a spring cleaning as daylight savings is right around the cold corner.  Either way, I’ve carved out some big goals for myself.  

 How do you approach goals? Do they feel supportive? Restrictive? Unrealistic? All or nothing?  

 Me? All of the above.  

 Typically, I’ll hunker down with my laptop and an oat milk latte and energetically list out what I want to accomplish in the week, months, and year  ahead.  I love the energy involved in this process—sky’s the limit and I like to fly high.  And then, I peruse the final holy grail, and I….leave it there?  

Yep, I save it in a folder and let it collect virtual dust on the shelf, taking with me only a few of the highlights rolling around in my head and no clear plan of action.    

I know what you’re thinking.  “But they have planners for this!” Wah, wah.  I know I HAVE ALL OF THEM.   

Here’s the deal.  I believe goals aren’t the answer for a few different reasons.  

1. They create a destination where you will find satisfaction only when said destination is reached.  I like to call this contingency living.  I’ll be happy when…(I lose 10 pounds or get the book deal or run the marathon.)

2. They often set us up for failure because they’re too big and lack a plan.

3. They take us out of the present moment, eyes fixed on the prize ahead.  We end up missing out on our lives always living for the payoff.  

4. They don’t address the identity shift that must happen to affect long term change. 

 So, what if we learn to fall in love with the process instead of the goal.  What if we create a doable, enjoyable, and realistic plan that focuses on tiny changes—shifts—along the way? In doing so, we not only create momentum, we start to see ourselves in a different, more empowered light.  We step into a new identity, a new story, that aligns with the type of person who achieves your desired outcome.  

 Are you ready to be the hero of your own story?  Join me in the Practice, an online community committed to self-care and development by creating everyday rhythms and practices that help you thrive.

Tiny Changes, Massive Impact

You’ve heard the saying, “Rome wasn’t built in a day.”   

So why do we have these crazy unrealistic expectations of ourselves?  

I have thoughts on this.  

For most people, extremes are easier than balance.  Unless we’ve already arrived in the vibrant land of Growth Mindset, we tend to get stuck in the purgatory of all or nothing.  

Black and white, dualistic belief systems keep us stuck in the rigidity of a  fixed mindset.  

Here’s an example most of us can relate to.  You’ve indulged in way too much of Jeni’s Salted Caramel ice cream.  I mean, holy dairy, that stuff is like crack.  You’re feeling the sugar coma set in along with a delayed wave of shame and a stomach ache.  

So you beat yourself up and swear you won’t touch it again for the foreseeable future.  In fact, you’ve been flirting with the idea of going Keto so this is your shining opportunity.

Sound familiar?  Or am I the only one who loses all self-control in the face of ice cream?  

That type of all-or-nothing behavior is baked into our DNA as humans.  Opening up to a growth, or responsive mindset rather than a reactionary one typically must be learned.  

And yet, when do we actually learn this mature approach to self-development? It’s something that has been a powerful exploration in my life as a recovering perfectionist.

A growth mindset is all about both/and.  

A fixed mindset is all about either/or.  

A growth mindset says,”I ate too much ice cream, I’ll choose something healthy for dinner.”

A fixed mindset says, “I ate too much ice cream.  I’m going to go run six miles to burn it off and eat next Tuesday.”  

One feels kinder, spacious…and more balanced.  Unless you really just love running 6 miles with a belly ache.

A growth mindset is also built on the firm foundation of consistent, small changes, over time.  It allows for doable goal setting and implementation rather than extreme makeovers in less than a week.  Why? Because that kind of hustle can’t ultimately be sustained.  It will likely throw us back into a yo-yo approach to relationship with self and others.

For example, you’re boarding a plane from Nashville to LA.  If the pilot is just two degrees off in navigation, you’ll likely end up in Seattle.  Tiny shifts, over time, create big results.  

What are some desired outcomes you’d like to see in your life right now?  Give yourself plenty of time to get there and break it down into bite-size changes that will help you get there.  

As always, I’m here for you if you need a little extra support on the journey.

So you think you should talk to someone?

I believe one of the greatest tools for working through your past, avoiding burnout and embracing true transformation is psychotherapy. It is incredibly powerful for anyone seeking a deeper sense of understanding and wholeness. 

Good therapists most definitely hold space to unpack the often-brutal stories of our past.  Yes, to write a compelling story with you playing the hero instead of the victim, it’s necessary to unearth expired lies and lay them to rest.  However, good therapists won’t leave you there.  

I’ve been a student of Dr. Joe Dispenza’s work for a while now.  He explores this topic neurologically and absolutely nails it.  Check this out:

The stronger the emotion that we feel from some external event in our life, the more altered we feel inside of us as a result of that condition outside of us and the more we pay attention to the cause.  The challenge is, every time we think about that trauma, we’re producing the same chemistry in the brain and body as if it was happening again.  What that does is it activates a survival gene.  And when you’re in survival, what you want to do is make sure that that doesn’t happen again.

When we lock into this type of survival mode, we often forecast worst-case scenarios.  Guess what?  Our brain doesn’t know the difference between the imagined state we create and reality. Therefore, we stay trapped in that old victim mentality and it tends to play out over and over again moving forward. 

Here’s my point: therapy often doesn’t work because we spend so much time talking about our past to the point we are literally reliving it.  Where focus goes, energy flows, therefore creating a habit of attention so strong and involuntary, it becomes nearly impossible to create new life-giving possibilities and successes in our lives.  How could we?  All our energy is being funneled into past emotions of survival long after the immediate threat is gone.  

My approach is different.  I’m convinced if we’re interested in creating lasting change, we need an experience to support us as a whole person, not just a cognitive one, from the neck up.  

Yes, we need a safe space to tell our stories—100%.  Yet we also need an experience of transformation as opposed to a conversation.  I believe this happens through daily practices and community.  

If you’re ready to dive right in, I’d love to support you in finding a tangible  breakthrough.  I’m also cooking up some resources that will be available this fall and will support your everyday experience.  

Drop me a line.  I always love hearing from you.  

Your Foolproof Self-Care Regimen for 2023

IIf there was one myth I’d love to blow up it’s this: Self-care is selfish.

Okay, maybe two: Therapy is for the weak. 

I’d also love to rebrand self-care as self-compassion.  It’s more a way of being with yourself rather than a way of doing for yourself.  Sure, both are important, but I believe if we know how to be with ourselves, befriend ourselves, and speak to ourselves like we would a loved one, the loving actions will surely follow.  

And so the basis for self-care is really self-understanding.  Thich Nhat Hanh said, “Understanding is love’s other name.” I surely believe this.  And so the basis of any self-care regimen is just that: to understand ourselves.  

The Enneagram is the best tool we have for developing more self-understanding.  This is one of the reasons I believe that it is the basis for any self-care regimen or mindset.  We can be with ourselves with more ease when we understand the motivations for how we think, feel, and act.  These motivations populate our thoughts and as a result, our beliefs about life, relationships, and the world around us.   

Again, the beginning of love is understanding.  This is crucial.  

You may be very familiar with your Enneagram type wondering, what next?

As we develop greater self-awareness and understanding, we build a beautiful foundation to then create rhythms, rituals, or practices in our daily lives to further bake in this loving relationship with ourselves.  These  practices help us solidify the true, essential desires and intentions we have for ourselves.  In essence, they improve our overall quality of life, mind, body and heart, bringing balance where there is imbalance.

They also help us process and manage the stressors we bump up against each and every day. 

If you are longing for a deeper, more accepting relationship with self this year, I invite you to join me and my friends Ally Fallon and Koula Callahan at the Self-Care Workshop on February 25, 2023 in Nashville.  We will be putting all of this to work and you will leave with a personalized self-care plan for your unique Enneagram type.  Oh, and it’s going to be loads of FUN. 

Whereas life is fraught with uncertainty, you are not powerless! It’s time to take back that power.  I hope you’ll join me on the 25th! 

2023, Hello Gorgeous!

I’ve been itching to say these words for awhile now: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Whereas tangibly nothing is different and the clock just rolled over as it  does every December 31st, what does seem to change is our mindset—how we approach time.

There’s a stirring in the air, a blank slate if you will, and yet nothing has really changed.  Interesting isn’t it?  

I love what Meister Eckhart said, “Be willing to be a beginner every single morning.” A new year presents the invitation to begin again.  I believe every morning presents the same life-giving invitation as well.  It’s an opportunity to live wholeheartedly, with purpose and curiosity.  It’s the opportunity to step into your God-given shoes of worthiness no matter what is achieved, accomplished, or lost.  

You are the hero of your own journey.  In every single good story, the hero is met with upending challenges that test belief, identity, and most of all, hope.  And yet you, the hero, have the opportunity to begin again, every single day, with fresh vision and commitment.  

I’d love to be your guide this year on the blog.  I’d love to support you with tools, practices, and self-care opportunities I have been creating for a while.  You can expect to gain short, practical insights every Tuesday that make it just a bit easier to show up for yourself—and be with yourself—in a courageous and loving way.  

I’ll also be offering online Enneagram and self-care classes each month if you’re interested in a deeper self-development dive. 

Of course, I’d love for you to join me in my monthly subscription program called the Practice, if you’re interested in creating structure and accountability as you set out to meet the goals and intentions you’ve set for yourself this year.  It’s a self-care toolkit that combines practical ways to use the Enneagram, mindfulness, and self-compassion in your daily experience.  

Wherever you decide to join me, I want you to know how  grateful I am to be a part of your wellness journey.  It’s such an honor to have your company.  

I’ll leave you with a question:

If you continue on the self-development path you are on, where would you  like to be a year from now? What does your life look like?  What’s different?  The same?

I’d love to hear your answers!  Drop me a line if you’d like.

Alright, friends!  It’s showtime…