How to Find the Right Therapist

Today, we’re getting real practical.  Let’s be honest: therapy feels a bit odd, awkward, and downright uncomfortable in the first place. How in the world does one go about finding a therapist who will not only make the first wobbly steps somewhat bearable, but also turn out to be someone we actually like?  And yes, contrary to popular belief, you’re going to need to like your therapist in order to trust them, let alone experience growth and healing.  

I had this conversation with my therapist a few weeks back.  Whereas I don’t believe we’re always supposed to be “in therapy,” I’ve always valued the sacred space of therapy as a sounding board and a refiner’s fire so to speak.  In other words, no matter what season I’m in, I depend on my therapist to challenge me, call my BS (bullshit and blindspots), and serve as a loving mirror when the reflection I see is less than compelling.  

Whether you’re in a tight transition or a season of loss, it’s imperative to reach out and find the help you need.  As someone who’s sat in therapy far longer as a client than a therapist, I relate to the struggle of finding the right fit.  It’s real.  Today, I want to unpack this process as much as possible.  You’ve already got enough on your plate.

Prep-work

Before launching on your quest, there’s some necessary prep-work.  Oftentimes, it can be the most difficult part of the process.  

The first step is always to get still, spend about 10-15 minutes alone, and ask yourself what it is you’re needing in therapy.  This may seem obvious, but it’s not.  Oftentimes, we’re operating in crisis.  The survival strategies involved in crisis don’t provide much of a margin for conscious self-reflection.  It’s important to give yourself a small window of time and ask yourself (a) what you need and (b) what you want from therapy.  (Two different questions, mind you.) I find it easiest to write this pertinent information down in a journal or notebook.  This content will serve as somewhat of a roadmap for the journey ahead.  

Once you’ve taken the time to explore these questions, here are five helpful guidelines to follow:

The Quest

1. Logistics: Let’s get the unsexy bit out of the way.  First things first, you need to get clear on practical parameters such as location, budget, male vs. female, type of therapy (individual/couples/family), availability, and whether or not they offer a sliding scale or the opportunity to use insurance.  These will steer the next several steps accordingly.  It’s worth noting that while some practitioners do accept insurance, some insurance policies only allow for a minimum amount of sessions they will cover, making ongoing therapy an out-of-pocket expense.  Also, confidentiality can become an issue when therapists apply diagnostic codes for billing purposes.  Again, all good things to consider and inquire about based on your needs and privacy preferences. A helpful therapist directory can be found at   psychologytoday.com and often provides answers to several of these basic questions.

2. Referral: Ideally, finding referrals from those who know you personally is the best place to start...be it an existing physician, family member, pastor, or friend.  If possible, I always encourage people to start with their current sphere of influence when looking for therapist recommendations.  This is where I’ve always had the most luck. 

3. Style: Just like with dating, you’re not for everyone.  No matter how fabulous you are, you won’t be compatible with everyone attractive you meet (*sigh). I tell people this upfront in therapy all the time.  I can’t help everyone and I’m quick to practice transparency when I feel another therapist might be more equipped to support someone with specific needs I don’t feel qualified to meet.  Do you want a no-nonsense, directive approach in therapy or would you prefer a softer, more indirect style?  (Or something in between?) Do you seek a therapist who is faith-based? Do you appreciate someone of a specific age? These qualifiers will hopefully show up in the prep-work listed above.  

4. Expertise: If you’ve done therapy before and know certain modalities or tools that work for you, it’s important to bring this insight into your search.  Interviewing a handful of possible therapists is important so as to understand their approach and expertise.  Do you want to explore the Enneagram in your work? Do you need a grief or addictions specialist? Do you prefer brain-based therapies such as EMDR or Brainspotting?  Do you like talk-therapy or more of an experiential technique?  Do you need group therapy in addition to individual therapy and which therapists provide this?  

5. Consult: Most therapists will offer a free 15-30 minute phone consult.  You’re about to invest time and resources into the therapeutic process.  It’s vital to understand a bit more about the experience, training, and approach to therapy they have.  I always encourage this as sometimes we just need an opportunity to suss it out in a quick conversation.  Email is a great starting point, however I always like to get a feel for communication style and energy on the phone.  Having as many of the prior steps filled out is a bonus so as to be able to clearly ask as many questions as possible.  (Also worth noting, if you need to stay within a budget, therapists who are newer to the field or working towards licensure will often provide a sliding scale rate based on your income.)

And listen, oftentimes this “pre-production” business is a luxury.  Therapy is often a last resort as we find ourselves amidst chaos, crisis, and loss.  In these times, simply taking the brave first step to start therapy with someone and trusting the process to unfold as it should is all we can do. 

P.S. As a helpful checklist, I’ve posted The Cheatsheet: A no-hassle guide to finding the right therapist on my website!  Visit katiegustafson.co/cheatsheet to download a free guide.  

Oh, P.S.S.  This goes without saying, but I’d LOVE to serve as a resource for you on your quest.  If you have questions for me, or need referrals, I’ve got some incredible ones for you.  Please reach out.

Looking for Purpose? Start Here

I'm a big advocate for the sacred process of finding your voice—and courageously learning to use it.

In my experience, slowly crossing the threshold of confidence into the land of self-compassion and acceptance gave me this newfound freedom and excitement to be heard and seen.

It’s kind of like waking up on Christmas morning as a kid, getting that one cherished toy you’d been asking for but thought your folks probably forgot…but then they came through.  All you want to do is keep it close and show it off.  You love everyone, even your younger brother. The world is a beautiful place. You’re so proud and you can’t stop talking about it.

It may annoy people for a minute, and that’s okay, they’ll get over it…they love you too.

What I quickly learned along the way is this: in order to truly find your voice and speak from that sacred heart space, you must first learn to listen really closely and often.

I love what Parker Palmer says in one of my all-time favorite books on finding your calling, Let Your Life Speak (a must read if you haven’t already…super short too).

He says, “Before I can tell my life what I want to do with it, I must listen to my life telling me who I am.” 

Sounds esoteric, right?  I actually think it’s we who overcomplicate things.

To create, we must get still and present. We must lean into the unknown. We must…listen.

Just as a flower grows and blooms from a tiny seed, you and I have everything we need to thrive locked safely inside us. Sure, we may need to nurture that part of us with inspiration and encouragement, but I assure you, it’s all in there.

As a species, humans are created to thrive and succeed, not to merely survive. Our creative imaginations are what sets us apart from other species. Inside of you, there is a creative mechanism that is fully capable of getting you from merely existing to succeeding.

That’s right, you get to create the life you love.

What happens so often though, is that we get lazy, want to be told what to do, and as a result, autopilot through life. No wonder we wake up mid-thirties or forties with a serious purpose deficiency and a bad back in search of a pill or a promise that will make us feel alive again.  

We’ve not been listening. We’ve been busy, hustling, fitting in.

So we’ve got a spectrum here. You may have recently unlocked this stunning, shiny voice of yours and you really like using it. The test drive is intoxicating. Or, you may be completely shut down, confusing everyone else’s demands and desires with your own. You’re exhausted and maybe even a bit resentful.  

Either way, the next best step is to slow down, take several very deep breaths, and simply listen. Feel your feet on the floor and your spine growing up from your seat. Notice the sensations inside your body; they’re talking alright. Give the tension a little time-out; you can pick her up in just a minute.

This is the space your true self likes to visit…and talk, so get used to creating it.   This is the space free of ego. This is where, with some practice, your life will speak to you in profound and sweet ways. This is the power of presence inside of you—that inner knowing.  It’s the magnificent Motherload. Let’s give it a listen.

Resilience: The Ultimate Life Hack

Do you ever get discouraged because you feel like you can’t seem to get unstuck? Maybe you’ve tried therapy or read some self-help books and they bring relief temporarily but leave you wanting in the long run? 

Or, perhaps you make progress along the way yet inevitably find yourself bumping up against the same flipping roadblocks, over and over.  

If your hand is raised, you’re in good company.  I’m here for it too.

I’m reminded that we aren’t here to finally get it right—to one day fully “arrive” and have it all figured out.  If that is your goal, I hate to break it to you...you’re hosed.  

As humans, we have something undeniable in common.  We are imperfect—flawed at best.

I don’t believe we ever fully arrive.  I believe we get good at resilience.  

Resilience is simply the ability to recover (quickly) from difficulty.  

What’s problematic is when we get so thrown off our game, we stay down too long, and in doing so, become calloused or defined by our struggle.  

So how do we become more resilient?  If this is the secret to moving through life with more ease and confidence, how do we condition ourselves to get back up after the fall, no matter how many times we stumble?

I believe we must reframe failure.  Instead of seeing it as an ending, we must see it as an opening.  Instead of seeing it as a personal blow, we must see it as a wise teacher who comes around from time to time.  She has way more to say than her distant cousin, Success.  

I know, Success is far prettier, but Failure is more than meets the eye. She has a depth and insight about her that comes from the humility only difficulty can form.  

So next time you feel stuck, broken, or discouraged, I pray you won’t lose heart.  Instead, perhaps the invitation and decision to sit with yourself in the space—to hold yourself in kindness—and to speak to yourself with understanding, will become the strongest parts of you.  Perhaps they will be the conditioning that over time, just like a muscle—grows bigger and more pronounced.  

Perhaps the goal will not become perfection…but growth tethered in compassionate resilience.  

Working with Your Enneagram Type

There’s some Enneagram buzz that’s trending these days and I couldn’t be happier about it.  Basically, it’s all about going deeper than a personality typing system and using it as a tool for application and transformation.  

We’re beginning to understand the dynamism of the tool as we put it into practice.  Talk is cheap, but it’s a crucial first step in the process.  We can  sit around at coffee shops and dinner tables exploring the behavior patterns of our type for days.  We can consume Instagram accounts that provide clever content and memes.  And these can be helpful for a time. In some ways, they support us as we identify our dominant type.  Yet, we absolutely must not stay there.  

So, what does it mean to work with our type?  How do we go from the surface of personality to the integration and wholeness this beautiful tool is capable of?  

I believe it requires the desire to fully understand and explore our deeper character structure, dissecting the core elements of our type.  Those core elements include the passion, or emotional pattern that keeps us stuck in type, the virtue, or our type’s unique invitation beyond the passion into our true self, our mental fixation, defense mechanism, somatic profile, as well as the lines, arrows, and wings of our type.   

If that all sounds overwhelming, congratulations…it IS!!!

However, the Enneagram is all about understanding the motivation behind the ways in which we think, feel, and act.   It’s all about identifying and understanding the specific box of personality we’re in so that we can get out, finding freedom in a psycho-spiritual expansion.  

Don’t be bogged down by the intricate web of complexity of your specific type.  The place to start is simple: self-observation.  

Sounds pretty basic, right?  

However, it’s actually quite involved if we commit to becoming a non-judgmental student of ourselves and our  experiences.  

My favorite way to learn self-observation?  Mindfulness and meditation practices.  No matter what your type, developing a mindfulness practice such as meditation is vital for creating the inner space to put self-awareness to work.  When we’re able to do this, we slow down our reactionary impulses and we learn to respond out of choice and empowerment.  We loosen the tense contractions in our bodies as well as practice detaching from self-defeating thoughts and beliefs.   

Perhaps most importantly, we begin to embody compassionate presence—the grounding gift of the here and now.  

Whenever you’re ready to go deeper, working with a coach or therapist  trained in the Enneagram is super supportive.  Is it time to take your Enneagram exploration to the next level? 

Let’s go… I’m your girl.  

Shadow Work

I grew up in the crown jewel of the deep south, Mobile, AL.  We did many strange things like take ballroom dancing in fifth grade.  It was hands down the most awkward thing I’d experienced until then, and I’ve always felt at home on a dance floor.

This was different though.  Kids from a couple neighboring schools would gather on a Thursday night at 5 o’clock in a big gymnasium at St. Ignatius Catholic church and learn all the old-school couples dances like the fox trot, waltz, and others I’ve purposely erased from my memory.  The most unbearable part of it wasn’t learning the dances, it was learning the dances with the boys.  They were hyper, smelly, and had no rhythm, yet somehow managed to have really big heads. 

My favorite part of the night was when I spotted my mom’s minivan headlights in the carpool line.  She’d swoop in and pick me up and we’d proceed to Checkers for the long-awaited chocolate milkshake(s).  I had to take the edge off somehow. 

Learning to dance with our shadow, or shameful parts, can feel just as unpleasant.  They are those parts of us that we’d rather not talk about.  Early on, we learned to hide them from the world around us for acceptance—for survival.  They are the parts of you that if someone saw, they might ultimately reject.  You may be found out…and deemed unloveable. 

What are the shadow parts you’d rather forget about?  Is it depression, body shame, singleness, financial troubles, or even sexual trauma as a child? Whatever they are,  much like the smelly boys at ballroom, the invitation is to lean in, let go, and learn to slow dance with them.

The Enneagram is all about integration.  The less compartmentalized, or fragmented we are, the more integrated and whole we will become.  Just as we are made up of hundreds of different body parts, muscles, and organs, we also have so many different parts of our emotional, relational, and creative beings.

Oftentimes in therapy sessions with clients, these parts come up.  Take anxiety for example.  Anxiety is an emotion, or part of us that can be immobilizing.  We often deal with it by numbing, fixing, or running from it.  Anxiety is really just a shadow part of us that needs compassion and understanding just like, say, the creative part of us.  When we stuff our anxiety and try to avoid it, we really just give it more power and as a result, create more imbalance.

What might dancing with this anxious shadow look like?  Well, first of all we must listen to and get to know it.  This allows us to cultivate compassion for her.  After all, she has been working overtime for a while now to keep us performing, staying safe and “on the ball.”  

Shadow work is really a reckoning with parts of ourselves we’ve misjudged for a long time.  The payoff is wholeness—flow.  It’s realizing those parts we’ve been hiding for so long aren’t so terrible after all.  In fact, they end up being powerful because they’re the most thorough teachers.  

That anxious part of you desperately wants you to see her for who she really is: someone who deeply cares about your future, yet may go about it clumsily.  She wants you to sit with her, be with her, and realize the worst thing that can happen isn’t so bad in the end because you have other resilient parts of you that can step in and take over when she needs to sit the next song out.  

Take a minute and visualize the part of you that you dislike, a lot.  Perhaps you feel guilty about this part or constantly judge it.  What does she look like?  What is she doing?  In the same minute, take one step towards her… then another, and another.  You left her alone a long time ago and she feels abandoned, even scared.  She knows you dislike her but she desperately longs to know you and feel seen as well.  She needs you big time.  

If this feels completely terrifying, it should.  Your brain is freaking out because it has no idea what it’s doing.  Hang in there though, this is perhaps the most life-giving work you’ve ever done.  Dancing with shadows or smelly boys is probably not on your bucket list.  Oh but I bet I know what is…

Freedom.

Love & Gratitude,

Katie