3 Myths About Self-Care (and #2 might surprise you)

You would be shocked how many times I’ve heard these two responses to the question: “How do you practice self-care?” in therapy. 

Here they are:

(1) “What’s that?”

(2) “Not very often. It feels selfish.”

Thankfully, if you’ve had these same reflexes, you’re not alone. There’s no shame. This just means we’re a little confused about our most important relationship: the one with ourselves.

And I know what you’re thinking, “Spare me. Sounds so indulgent.”

However, do you expect your car to run on empty? Do you drive it around for months on end without gas or an oil change? I’m not even a car person, but I know to pay attention when that glorious red light signals E, nudging me to the nearest Twice Daily.

Let’s take it a step further. Do you expect your nearest and dearest relationships to thrive without an occasional phone call, text or date night reminding them of your love and appreciation?

Again, I’m guessing you’re pretty good at showing others you care. In fact, you’re probably great at it. Why?

Because it’s socially accepted—even encouraged—and there’s an immediate reward on the other side. When we show intrinsic kindness to others, we are often appreciated back in some way.

So why do we neglect the one relationship that is the most constant and powerful of all? Make no mistake, I’m a person of deep faith who believes in and loves God. Yet, even John Calvin said, “Without knowledge of self, there is no knowledge of God.”

If we practice self-care and learn how to relate to ourselves in a kind and compassionate way, we are then primed to love the world in a more authentic, generous way.

If you’re still on the fence, I want to bust a few myths you might buy into that hold you back from practicing some necessary self-care:

(1) Self-care is selfish.

This is a biggie. However, self-care is actually highly responsible, adult behavior. It's learning to take care of yourself instead of obsessively tending to other people. In doing so, we learn that part of our job here on earth is to be responsible for our needs and desires instead of undermining them for the sake of others.

Right before take-off, the flight attendant does her thing and gives you instructions for safe travel. The part that always sticks with me is when she says to put your oxygen mask on first before that of others, even small children. We love others better when we start with ourselves.

(2) Self-care takes too much time and effort.

“I don’t have time for self-care.” I hear this a lot, especially from mothers. I quickly retort, “Well do you have time for a mental or physical breakdown?” The answer is always no. Self-care is made up of a loving mindset that allows for tiny, two-degree shifts in behavior towards yourself. I’m not asking you to soak in a bubble bath all day, I’m asking you to start regarding yourself with kindness. Start listening to your needs and take tiny actions to meet them.

(3)  I don’t deserve self-care.

Dear one, if this is your unconscious go-to belief, you may be carrying a heavy, hurtful burden. I know from experience there is another way. Perhaps the first place to start is a trusted friend or therapist to unpack past experiences or relationships that led you to believe this. Your birthright as a human being is to have needs and desires and get them met. You’re invited into the feast of wholeness just because you’re here and you’re you. 

Please reach out if you feel alone in this space.

P.S. Want to take the guesswork out of self-care? I’ve got a program just for you. Check out the Practice.

Your (Easy) Guide to Self-Care

There’s a lot of talk about self-care these days. In fact, I recently launched a program called The Practice which is a monthly self-care toolkit and guide. However, I’d like to spend a little time exploring what true self-care is and how it can help us heal and grow. As I said, there’s a lot of fluffy talk out there.

Unfortunately, society has taught us a version of self-care that falls drastically short in terms of actually promoting deep care and restoration. It makes sense to me that many of us have lost hope in it or see it as indulgent or even selfish. Spa treatments, retail therapy, and wine nights to take the edge off might appear to work temporarily, however they fail to support our process in any lasting change. They can also get really expensive! Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge proponent for pampering and celebrating, yet we need to be clear about the fact that these are not the same as self-care.

So if these self-care imposters temporarily boost our spirits (and appearances) yet leave us feeling just as empty as before, don’t you think it’s time we take a deeper look at what real self-care looks like? Let’s do it.

Life continues to present us with challenges. We know that now more than ever. We need a brand of self-care that will help us stay present as opposed to escaping our lives...one that will connect us to more compassion, energy, perspective, balance, and grace in order to move through the tough times and even thrive amidst the chaos.

Now I know this process might seem frustrating and even confusing. However, I don’t think it has to be. I firmly believe whatever we practice, we improve. In my monthly subscription, we will explore your dominant Enneagram type and what the best self-care practices are for you to process difficult, stressful emotions and create balance where there is imbalance.

When you learn a few practices that are clinically proven to help you grow, you’ll have a self-care routine that will eventually help you flourish. Not only that, you will know and understand yourself so much better, gaining clarity into the why behind how you think, feel, and act. You will start to heal old wounds that keep you stuck and perhaps most importantly, you’ll open up to lasting desired outcomes you once thought out of reach.

I believe self-care is a process of befriending yourself. Much like self-compassion, it’s showing yourself the heartfelt care and support you’d show a loved one in need. It’s learning to speak to yourself with a softer tone. It’s developing practices that promote connection rather than isolation.

You’ll not only become a more integrated, or whole, version of yourself, you’ll: 

• reduce stress and anxiety

• learn how to identify and take care of your felt needs

• promote deeper connection with yourself and others

• develop healthier relationships

• understand what you want and how to get there

• develop better eating, sleeping, and exercise habits

• improve your overall mood, and

• connect to an overall mental, spiritual, and physical well-being.

So, are you ready to take your self-care to a whole new level?

Join me in The Practice.  You can sign up today by clicking here.

The Power of Three (and 30 mins a day)

We are rounding the January corner and heading into February with quite a spirited clip. 

How are you?

It’s such a simple question and yet one we must often pause to ponder...and answer.

For me, this pocket of time typically has one of two outcomes: I’ve lost sight of the hot flame that burned bright at the dawn of the new year, meaning, I’ve blown my resolutions altogether. Or, I have filled my time up with loads of distractions—busyness—that masquerade as purpose and real progress.

If you resonate, I’ve got good news: there is another way.

We need a plan. But not just any plan. One that connects us to the truest, most authentic parts of ourselves. One that is built on love and self-compassion, not fear and scarcity.

It’s not just a to-do list and it’s not about striving. It’s a practice that supports true self-acceptance and teaches us how to be with ourselves in order to show up for ourselves.

It’s three-fold.

Here are the three pillars of what I believe make up a fool-proof self-care regimen that will help you get unstuck and stay grounded in 2021:

1. Meditation. Mindfulness exercises such as meditation are scientifically proven to reduce stress and anxiety, improve sleep and overall functioning and bring awareness to what’s happening moment-to-moment so we can choose to consciously respond to life’s circumstances rather than react out of automatic, self-defeating patterns.
   

2. Self-compassion.  I’ve learned first hand we simply can’t thrive if we’re constantly working against ourselves. Shame-based striving won’t cut it because we’ll constantly be hustling for our worthiness as opposed to growing from a place of self-acceptance and love. We need true self-compassion which teaches us to treat ourselves like we would a dear friend or family member in need. It’s only from this place of unconditional, loving-kindness that we can effect transformational change.
   

3. Writing. Writing practices such as journaling are scientifically proven to reduce stress, increase confidence, metabolize difficult experiences and emotions, improve overall health, and boost mood to name just a few. However, that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Writing gives us the space and intention to dream and discover ourselves. By carving out just 10 minutes a day to put our thoughts down on paper, we practice finding and using our voice. In doing so, we unlock greater clarity and purpose.

If this all sounds overwhelming, rest assured, it’s not! I’ve developed a plan just for you. It’s called The Practice and it’s a self-care program that combines all three. Best of all, it only takes 30 minutes a day. I’d love to support you as you discover and realize your most authentic, empowered self. Visit The Practice for more info or to sign up.

Your Foolproof Self-Care Regimen for 2021

If there is one myth I’d love to blow up it’s this: Self-care is selfish. Okay, maybe two: Therapy is for the weak.

I’d also love to rebrand self-care as self-compassion. It’s more a way of being with yourself rather than a way of doing for yourself. Sure, both are important, but I believe if we know how to be with ourselves, befriend ourselves, and speak to ourselves like we would a loved one, the loving actions will surely follow.

And so the basis for self-care is really self-understanding. Thich Nhat Hahn said, “Understanding is love’s other name.” I surely believe this. And so the basis of any self-care regimen is just that: to understand ourselves.

The Enneagram is the best tool we have for developing more self-understanding. This is one of the reasons I believe that it is the basis for any self-care regimen or mindset. We can be with ourselves with more ease when we understand the motivations for how we think, feel, and act. These motivations populate our thoughts and as a result, our beliefs about life, relationships, and the world around us.

Again, the beginning of love is understanding. This is crucial.

You may be very familiar with your Enneagram type wondering, what next?

As we develop greater self-awareness and understanding, we build a beautiful foundation to then create rhythms, rituals, or practices in our daily lives to further bake-in this loving relationship with ourselves. These practices help us solidify the true, essential desires and intentions we have for ourselves. In essence, they improve our overall quality of life, mind, body, and heart, bringing balance where there is imbalance.

They also help us process and manage the stressors we bump up against each and every day. I think we’ve all become increasingly aware of the uncertainties and difficulties of life in 2020. Creating a self-care regimen allows us to control that which we can: our choices, habits, and mindset.

I’ve created a simple plan for us to practice, taking the guesswork out of self-care. It involves three pillars, or parts: meditation, self-compassion, and writing. These are built on the baseline of self-understanding which I prescribe through the Enneagram.

If you are longing for a deeper, more accepting relationship with yourself this year, I invite you to join me in The Practice, my brand new self-care subscription program. You can learn more about The Practice in the video below.

Next week, I’ll walk you through the three pillars of the Practice, unpacking each one so you can better understand what to expect.

Whereas life is wrought with uncertainty, you are not powerless! It’s time to take back that power. I hope you’ll join me.

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

P.S. Need a little nudge? I’d love for you to sign up for The Practice, my new monthly subscription that helps take the guesswork out of self-care. Watch the video below to learn more.

Hurry up and wait...this might surprise you

It’s weird, but January is one of my favorite months. It’s like waking up in the morning, walking outside, and discovering a thick blanket of powdery-white snow covering every surface, untouched. The often charged emotions that accompany the holidays (especially in 2020) have subsided. The chaos of consumerism has quieted down a bit. We all wake up to a fresh new start, hopefully without a pounding headache.

If you’re like me, and I have a hunch you are, it’s tempting to get sucked into a different kind of noise, equally as distracting, yet cloaked in the subtle sounds of “self-improvement.”

In fact, your inbox is probably chock-full right now of emails screaming, “New Year, New You!” or “Five fail-proof ways to lose the holiday bloat,” or even, “Manifest your best year yet!”

While well-intentioned, I think there’s a better approach to “turning over a new leaf” that doesn’t leave you whiplashed and disappointed.

It might not sound as sexy, but in my seasoned experience biting off all kinds of extremes, the sparkle tends to fade about two weeks in, right about now, when the hype of sweeping promises won’t carry me one minute further into this or that resolution, goal, or intention. In fact, I might even land myself flat-faced in the quicksand of self-sabotage. That shame spiral is a ride I’d like to avoid this year.

Make no mistake, I wholeheartedly believe we must live with intention. And I love a proper goal-setting. Yet, I’ve also become keenly aware of my tendency to rush into the general direction of, you guessed it, just another distraction in an effort to escape what it is I really want deep down.

So what’s the solution? How do we make lasting, life-giving changes in order to build out the new year and beyond?

We.....listen.

Oh and another thing. We....slow down.

This might seem counterproductive, especially in light of what the experts might be saying. But I believe you are your own expert and the fastest way to get where you’re trying to go starts with your deep-down desires. Your desires speak from your bones—your body—your heart.

We’ve just been on a wild goose chase to survive the swirl of the holidays. This is a time to connect back to that wise voice inside. This is NOT a time to jump on someone else’s bandwagon boasting fast results.

Let’s resist the temptation to blindly rush into 2021. It’s time to take the reins back.

Let’s get quiet and listen to that still small voice inside. She knows a thing or two. And she loves you...desperately.

She also knows exactly how and when to soar. She was born to.

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

P.S. Need a little nudge? I’d love for you to sign up for The Practice, my new monthly subscription that helps take the guesswork out of self-care. It combines practical ways of using the Enneagram, mindfulness, and self-compassion in your everyday life in order to retrain your brain and build out the life you love.