When All Else Fails, Try This...

When you and I have the luxury of perspective, we are able to see what is true and in alignment with the truth of who we are. It’s kind of like being 30,000 feet up, looking down below to a distant terrain with toy-like homes, buildings, and other signs of life. We can see life for what it is as opposed to feeling stuck in the middle...enmeshed with the sticky mess of our thoughts, feelings, and projections.

Every day we have the opportunity to choose alignment with our higher selves—our divinity. Interestingly, small children are incredibly in touch with their divinity. As we “grow up,” we lose touch with this inherent value and beauty. Some days we are able to access this virtue, aligning with the truth of who God made us. Other days this remembrance feels impossible.

The days when it feels difficult to connect to the greater story of our truth are the days we often fall victim to tidal wave-like depression, anxiety, and other all-consuming emotions. These days seem to defy our ability to make sense of the world. I’m no stranger to these days that often turn into seasons.

We know in our head what is true, but the conviction of our heart is weak.

In these seasons, the work is simply this: to learn to hold ourselves with care and compassion, minute to minute, day by day. This, and to reach out to a safe person who knows how to listen—not prescribe.

This is the passage of self-compassion through the dark night of the soul. Though it feels never-ending, it is not final—no feeling is.

As a therapist and client very familiar with these complex seasons, I can confidently stand in the gap as you or someone you love navigates these waters. If 2020 has given us a gift, it is the normalization of seeking help for mental health and emotional distress. It may be time to receive this gift, reaching out for extra support as you sit in a space of chaos and fear.

This post is for anyone who feels like putting one foot in front of the other is impossible. Take heart, dear one, this too shall pass.

As Mr. Rogers said, these are the times to “Look for the helpers.“

Please reach out if you need help connecting to extra support right now. 

Love & Gratiitude,

Katie

I Wish I Had Known This at Twenty-Five

What piece of advice would you give your 25-year-old self? Sure, she may not have listened, but like any loving parent, you do what you can to steer your children in the right direction. That head-strong seeker was only doing her best. And yet today, you have matured into the space of a bit more perspective and balance. You have a lot to offer your younger, stubborn self.

Me? I would have a spirited come-to-Jesus about how to relax into the unknown one brave and wobbly step at a time. I’d tell her that having all the answers isn’t half as important as asking honest questions.

Specifically, I’d love for her to understand what it means to have a growth mindset as opposed to a fixed one. Less either-or and more both-and.

As a recovering perfectionist, I’ve been all too familiar with what it means to have a fixed mindset. Let me explain. A fixed mindset is a way of thinking that is rigid and narrow. It’s all about pass or fail, win or lose, good or bad, black and white. It’s rooted in judgment rather than curiosity. It’s refusing to take myself on a brisk 20-minute walk because I didn’t have enough time to do my hour-plus high-intensity workout.

Here’s another example, you have your 6-month review at work. Your boss gives you high marks in several areas but points out one specific necessary improvement in your performance on a big project. 

A fixed mindset self-criticizes, labeling your performance as a failure. It disregards the praise and zeros in on the area of improvement. 

A growth mindset celebrates positive feedback and understands the value of constructive criticism for future success. It sees life as a slew of peaks and valleys all leading to personal evolution and expansion.

A growth mindset is the Petrie dish that breeds resilience. Whereas a fixed approach creates rigidity, closing us off from abundance and opportunity.

This isn’t about glossing over reality. It’s about softening your approach to the inevitable ebbs and flow of life.

Spend some time this week pondering this:

• What area of your life could you stand to soften into? 

• Is it your relationship with food, your body, parenting, or work? 

• Is it your self-care? 

Whatever it may be, I believe a great way to find out is to pay attention to our self-talk, that often nagging inner critic that rages on, involuntarily.

Write it all down.

I love what Tara Mohr says, “Where we think we need more self-discipline, we usually need more self-love.”

Love & Gratiitude,

Katie

Your Handbook for Navigating Seasonal Depression

For some, it’s the most wonderful time of the year.  We’ve been patiently waiting on the edge of our seats since Home Depot rolled out their Halloween decorations back mid-August.  The anticipation of fall weather, the slew of heavy-hitting holidays, the countless excuses to consume creative forms of sugary carbs at every turn, the invasion of busyness, what have you.

For others of us, this season is painfully sad—even frightful.  The days get shorter, precious sunlight is snuffed out hours earlier, physical energy is drained, and loneliness rolls in like dark, bulbous clouds before a hurricane.  

I have definitely experienced more of the latter.  Seasonal depression is slang for Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD…aptly).  It’s not “depression light” and it shouldn’t be dumbed down to the “winter blues” either.  It is a subtype or specific kind of major depression that is symptomatic with the changing seasons, especially fall and winter months.  

There is so much pressure to be “merry and bright” leading up to the holidays, which can really leave those of us seasonally-challenged feeling misunderstood, if not pissed off.  

In my experience, I remember years when all I could think about was surviving the weeks and months of cold and dark—Thanksgiving and Christmas were simply another reminder that I felt so alone and afraid.  Afraid of what?  Perhaps afraid that there was something wrong with me or it would always be this way.  Or maybe I was scared of being untethered and insecure in life.  Whatever the reason, I just wanted to get through it all and land safely on the other side when the days would contract even just a minute or two each day.  

I’ve been pretty open about my experience with depression, so you might guess that those of us who deal with major depression also deal with SAD.  This can be true but doesn’t have to be.  Similar to Postpartum depression, existing depression doesn’t always set the stage.  Oftentimes, they do go hand-in-hand.

It was always so helpful for me to know that I wasn’t alone in my struggle with SAD, or ongoing depression for that matter.  That said, I want to open up the dialog here today and cut through all the fluffy expectations we fall prey to around this time of year as well as drop some helpful ways to readjust and navigate the season a bit differently.  

If you experience a noticeable shift in mood, physical activity, patience for people, energy level, sleep, and desire to participate...keep reading.  If you are a human being with a heartbeat...keep reading. I have a hunch someone in your life needs your grace and support because they suffer from SAD.  

There are obvious and not so obvious reasons for SAD.  The ones we all agree on are simple though: with less exposure to sunlight during the fall and winter months, our biological clock can often get pummeled, leaving depleted levels of serotonin (a brain chemical that helps govern and boost our mood) and melatonin...that gorgeous stuff of sleep.  

I’m hugely light-sensitive.  Visualize that bratty kid who screams at the top of her lungs when she stubs her big toe.  Yep, that’s about my pain tolerance to diminishing light. Even walking into a dark house at the end of the day can viscerally affect my mood.  Windows are also my best friend.  I’m a total extrovert when it comes to windows—the more the merrier. 

So, when the world goes dark around 4:30 pm, you better believe I’ve learned to emotionally rearrange my experience after 41 years. 

Here are some helpful tools I’ve come to rely on in the dim days ahead.

Routine

Structure is the sensitive soul’s best friend.  Oh, how I’ve come to love structure.  For me, this looks like intentionally planning out my days from week to week.  In the fall and winter months, it looks like starting a bit earlier so I can enjoy more sunlight, even just 30 minutes.  

When emotions whip us around, taking their throne in the driver seat of life, it can be so easy to slip into the victim mentality, feeling powerless.  Having a set structure, or routine for our days helps us reclaim the steering wheel.  

My morning ritual is everything to me.  It allows me time and space to practice the things that ground me like meditation, writing and reading.  In the coming days and months, experiment by putting some new structures into place to facilitate a more ordered interior landscape.

Exercise

Exercise has officially become my antidepressant of choice throughout my lifetime.  Hear me out, antidepressants can be a very helpful piece in the emotional puzzle when necessary, they most definitely have for me in dark places along the way.  However, exercise is one of the most effective and proven ways there is of improving overall mood and stress levels.  Getting a good sweat also helps us sleep more soundly.  

It’s tempting to let workouts trail off around the holidays, but I say we fight for them.  Make it a daily routine, like brushing your teeth. We owe it to ourselves.  Procrastinate that leftover apple crumb cake, it will still be there on the other side.  

Avoid Numbing

I get it.  When depression sneaks in, we often lose a desire for the things we typically love to do.  We want to isolate, sleep, numb.  It’s so much easier, right?  

Couple this with the fact that these coming months are like an open invitation to indulge whether that be with food, booze, online shopping, social media, you name it.  There may be a temporary relief to our pain, however, we're also numbing positive emotions as well.  Happiness, excitement, and gratitude are harder to come by and we get thrown right back into the tangled thicket of depression once again.

Support

So rather than numb, reach out.  This time of year can indeed be a wonderful time of year when we reach out for the support we need.  Identify “safe people” who know and accept you where you are.  Make a list of two or three and reach out to them and let them know your struggle with SAD.  

If you don’t have said 2-3 people, a good place to start is therapy.  I can count several times I relied heavily on my therapist for support during these crucial months when all of the “stuff” listed above seemed impossible.  There is absolutely no shame in seeking professional help.  It is a courageous act of self-compassion.  

I’m here for you on this journey.  Again, you’re not alone.  This is all part of learning to trust the process, even when hope feels distant and the light grows dim.  There is a bold light within you, this may be the perfect opportunity to find its glow. 

Love & Grace,

Katie

Meditation: How to Find Calm in the Chaos

As we move through each uncertain day, I’m blown away by two things: 1) How our attention has shifted to a new way of living (i.e. surviving), and 2) How we must dig deep and step into a new brand of courage in order to stay grounded during this time.

Here’s what I’m clinging to: this is only temporary—we undoubtedly will get through this and come out stronger. Yet with enforced physical distancing and quarantines happening all over the world, creativity is key during this process.  

We are collectively becoming more refined in the way we deal with struggle moving forward.  If we accept the challenge, we can actually learn how to be better overcomers. 

How do we do this?  By advocating for ourselves and becoming skilled copers.  Fact: these are scary times.  Our generation has never seen anything like it.  But fear and anxiety have always been there.  Spoiler alert: they’ll never leave.  

History is calling us to a new standard of wakefulness.  I want to look back on this time and be amazed by how resilient we were as a collective group, though physically apart.  

I want to be amazed by how we learned to stay calm in the chaos as skilled overcomers.   

A proven way we can do this is through meditation.  Science tells us over and over how powerful mindfulness is for improving health, sleep, mood, creativity, and brain functioning. 

It reduces anxiety in much the same way as exercise does because it decreases cortisol, a pesky stress hormone, and teaches us to live in the present moment.  The present moment is typically a much safer place than somewhere “out there” in the past or future.  Especially right now.

Today, I invite you to join me as we practice finding calm in the chaos through this short, guided meditation. 

Love & Gratitude,

Katie     

Generosity with a Twist...A Meditation

How are you?  I mean, really? 

Have you made a point this season to slow down, take a few breaths, and give back to you?  I truly hope so.  After all, at the centerpiece of this “most wonderful time of year” is generosity—namely—gift-giving. 

That being said, I want to bring our awareness to this beautiful practice from a slightly different angle.  It might be due to the fact that I’ve yet to buy a single gift.  Or, it might be the fact that I’m terrified to take my three-month-old to the mall (I know, gotta bite the bullet one of these days.)  But then there’s always Amazon.  I digress.

My point is, I believe generosity is a practice we miss out on because we largely identify it with material things like stuff, money, and time.  We also tend to focus generosity outward—toward someone else.  Oh, but there’s so much more!  I believe the most exquisite brand of generosity underlies all of those things and must begin with ourselves.  It’s a spirit of generosity…a posture we take…rather than checking off the wish list. 

Being generous with ourselves and others means something much deeper than gift-giving.  It means giving the invaluable gift of availability—openness.  It means being curious in each moment as we experience life’s precious minutes, smiles, unknowns, joys, disappointments, and possibilities. 

As with anything, we must always dress-rehearse these practices with ourselves.   As you offer yourself an open mind and heart, cultivating a sense of curiosity and non-judgment, it becomes a natural overflow into your relationships with others.  

Have you ever given someone something special like a big block of time or a meaningful token and you felt it went under-appreciated? I know I have.  I end up feeling pretty resentful on the inside, making the sentiment of generosity more about me than the recipient.  When this happens, I’m pretty certain I’m looking for something from that person I need to be giving myself—value and appreciation. 

This week, we’ll spend some time practicing generosity of spirit towards ourselves in order to bypass that resentment.  When we intentionally give to ourselves out of genuine appreciation, we fill a void that we tend to look to others to meet. 

I want to give to others from an authentic, loving space this season.  How about you?  Let’s start by getting grounded in generosity and becoming available and nurturing to the places inside us that feel tired and needy.  My hunch is, all the other “stuff” will be the glaze on your sticky toffee pudding.  Not only that, but those gifts under the tree will take on a much deeper meaning. 

Love & Gratitude,

Katie