Fall, Body Image, & the Gift of Procrastination (Yep, you heard me.)

Do you feel the swing of fall kick up all the busy energy like I do?  

It happens every October.  The kids are back in school, schedules lock in step, and a cozy waft of pumpkin spice beckons our senses around every corner.  

Fall is my favorite.  I’m not sure if it’s because I was deprived of clear-cut seasons growing up in Mobile Alabama’s constant humid sweat or if it is simply the fact that I’m a sucker for jackets, boots, scarves, and those glorious warm colors.  It’s both–perhaps.  The moral of the story here is: there is a crisp, tangible shift that dials in and carries me through to the year’s end.  

Festivity is the oversized centerpiece of fall’s table.  The striking hallmark in that centerpiece—busyness.  Work schedules often really wake up as do social gatherings and travel, leaving self-care and connection optional at best. For me at least, the treadmill starts to speed up, and I let go of all the rituals and reasons I’ve come to rely on for a sense of sanity and serenity throughout the year. 

Last Wednesday, I had the distinct honor of joining my friend, Mary Hyatt, on her Facebook Live show.  Mary’s an incredible personal coach, entrepreneur, and Essential Oil guru who shares a passion for empowering others to live their fullest and most authentic lives.  We had the best time talking about perfectionism, especially as it relates to body image.  

Now you may be thinking, “What the heck do perfectionism, body image, and Fall have to do with anything?”, and that would be fair.  Hang in though.

After the show, I left her studio still marinating in our conversation.  I was curious why perfectionism is this rampant, especially for so many women, and how we grow to get so attached to its limiting and fearful message.  

Perfectionism is such a manipulative lie and one that actually stunts any lasting success, acceptance, creativity, and joy.  It always backfires.

As a recovering perfectionist, I’m all too familiar with its soul-sucking grip.  At the bleeding heart of it is the bondage of comparison with others, and/or some unrealistic version of who we should be that doesn’t actually even exist.  

We can’t throw the baby out with the bathwater though.  After all,  the seed of perfectionism’s pursuit is a massive desire for acceptance and belonging, two things we actually block when we become captives to the prison of its stark and lonely cell.  

Your Desire is everything!  It indicates a longing for something more and leads you into the path of your truth.  However, the straight jacket of control, typically fueled by fear, stunts the hope of desire.  

Perfectionism won’t allow for vulnerability and acceptance, and belonging requires loads of that V stuff.  It’s a tricky conundrum, indeed.

In my experience, when I’ve fallen so hard into the lull of perfectionistic sleep, it’s a subtle process, one that definitely doesn’t feel intentional.  This typically happens in seasons of disconnection with self—busyness.  

So procrastination is a thing.  You get it.  Chances are, you’re really good at it too.  My hope for you and I in this yummy fall season is that we would practice awareness as to exactly what we are procrastinating.  What are you putting off in order to facilitate the ramped up energy of fall?  

Is it sleep, exercise, meditation, journaling, or simply downtime?  Where will these deficits show up?  Typically, they show up at some point in relationships with self and others.  Another resulting deficit is our peace.  I love the quote that says, “If it costs me my peace, it’s too expensive.”  

With the alluring temptress of perfectionism lurking not so subtly on social media, presenting universes of shiny, packaged worlds, my challenge to you today is this:  

Rebel. Procrastinate perfectionism— Just for today.  

Perhaps tomorrow you can pick it up, maybe.  Instead, slow down and lean heavily on the courage of self-compassion.  Look at yourself,—your life, in the mirror and speak to that longing, loving soul as you would your best friend.  No one ever accomplished great things by hating themselves into submission.  

Life does get busy, and stress often feels like our annoyingly perky roommate.  Just remember, your “me,” that little person who looks a whole lot like you, is patient and up for the adventure.  Don’t leave her behind or worse, trade her in, for an illusory version.  The most beautiful life happens when we embrace ourselves as perfectly imperfect, quirky, messy, and all.  

Freefall into the unique loveliness of you.  Perfectionism is playing far too small.  

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

xoxo

Changing the Conversation: Insight from Brené Brown

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”  

-Rumi

Despite the evil display of hate crimes and bigotry in Charlottesville this past week, I’m still convinced we live in a loving universe.

Wait, before you look away in discomfort or write this post off as a political rant, stay with me.

We’re not going there today.

This post is really about relationships and at the core of any loving relationship is healthy communication.  I didn’t say easy communication…I said healthy communication.  This often takes shape in the form of hard conversations.

I had a lovely little number in the hopper for you today about the mind-body connection and just how important our life force of breath is to that mix.  However, after watching such horrific and seemingly dated images of racism, hatred, and violence; my heart has felt confused and my vision—very blurry.

In my bubble of what I now know of as privilege, I made up a story in my head that we were somehow past this as a nation.  Wrong.  It’s been simmering beneath the surface at a slow and steady boil all along.

While waiting to board a flight back to Nashville yesterday in Los Angeles, I numbly scrolled down my Facebook feed looking for something, I’m not sure what.

I came across a Facebook Live recording of Brené Brown entitled “We need to keep talking about Charlottesville.”  “Thank God,” I mumbled under my breath, “I need some direction here.” And from who better than a woman who has spent her life researching, writing, and teaching us all about shame and vulnerability.

Friends, these are critical times we can’t simply detach from or sleep through.  The root system of fear is so expansive and insidious, yet the power to effect change through our awareness and empathy is truly phenomenal.

We won’t get there with shame, as Dr. Brown shares.  We will get there by owning our stories and having thoughtful and open conversations.  They may feel uncomfortable and very imperfect and that’s okay.  I’m learning a lot these days about leaning into uncertainty and discomfort.

If you’ve thought to yourself this last several days, “What is my part in this complex and harsh reality unfolding before our eyes in Charlottesville?”, I’ve got some answers. (Well, technically, Brené Brown does.)

Please take 30 minutes and watch this video linked below.  Share it with friends.  It’s a humbling truth and a hopeful invitation to own our part in this fear-based meta story of hostility.

This is very much about you and I.  It’s about being human.  It’s about relating better to your loved ones and changing the conversation from judgement to accountability — from fear to trust.

I’d love to know your thoughts regarding her insight as well as how you’re conversations are unfolding in your spheres of influence.  *Be prepared, there’s a bit of language in this video, but I know you’ll see past that. 

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

xoxo

P.S.  Stay tuned next week for a VERY special guest on my podcast who has the privilege of knowing and working with Brené Brown.  I’ll be announcing who this is early next week!  Eep!

Love Potion No. 9

“How can we be loved if we are always in hiding?”
-Donald Miller

Vases

Romantic love is the stuff of endless, brilliant art forms: song, poetry, film, fashion, story, sculpture, and much more. It’s been known to spark wars and sculpt history.  We all have relational histories that form us into the creatures we are today. Some of that history is redemptive and life-giving, some reminds us more of a once exquisite vase, crushed and broken into hundreds of pieces on the kitchen floor. The mess and heartache is so big, we sweep it  into a pile and dispose of it. We shop around for weeks, sometimes months, until we find a replacement; something perhaps with a sturdier base and more color. Just the thing that will complete our once cold, bare room.

Me

My own love story has been a winding, quizzical one at best. However, from where I sit with the soft, forgiving lens of perspective and time, I’m grateful. It’s been imperfect, yet without regret. It’s also been a complete surprise, as the one I’d really been looking for all along was right there, yet forgotten and out of reach. She was me, and she desperately longed for the affection and acceptance I heaped on other imposters, who I mistook for my heart’s final answer.

One

This week I celebrate my first wedding anniversary. I am humbled and beyond grateful for the gift of my marriage, and for Daniel, my incredible husband whom I deeply love and respect. So, in part, today’s post is a celebration of redemption and synchronicity, as our complex stories converged into one in a most peculiar and lovely way. However, it’s also a desperate plea; a wakeup call for anyone out there who’s holding out on hope and happiness, saving it all up for that magical day when they will find “the one.”

Vault

This is a vulnerable post, one that I  share with caution a healthy sense of fear. Yet I’m convinced our stories kept locked up in a hidden vault only rob weary hearts of those who are famished–so hungry for hope.

Magnify

Marriage—companionship is a magical thing. It brings a security and knowing that we’ve got a partner in this journey of longing, as Donald Miller puts it in his book Scary Close. It also serves as a high-powered magnifying glass to all the insecurities and faults we’ve had all along, yet managed to mask with makeup, a charming personality, and some self preservation. In my experience, it has forced me to do some pretty hard core personal work.

First Love

Here is the heavy-hitting truth I’ve been pummeled by lately: If we’re not convinced of our first love, our secondary love will surely disappoint. By this I mean, unless we truly see, partner with, and lovingly care for our true selves, our “me,” the pursuit of outside relationships to fill that void will crash and burn, leaving the lonely remains of a shattered hope.

37

In essence, this year I’ve learned I’m celebrating two milestones: my first wedding anniversary, yet perhaps more importantly, a full-circle, loving anniversary with that little Katie whose been desperately trying to get my attention and total acceptance for 37 years. Sure, I’ve done tons and tons of deep personal and spiritual work and have experienced some incredible breakthrough, however, I’ve never had to put all of my baggage through that glorious filter of marriage. It’s hard, it’s heartbreaking, it’s highly unflattering, and it’s absolutely worth every it because it leads us  home. Our true home, our birthright, is connection and belonging with self: that bold, honest, open little six-year-old who doesn’t give a ripwhat other people think. I found that curious little girl in a new way this past year, and the unfolding of life’s story around me has taken on a more gracious, loving tone.

Math

I’ve learned when we go “out there” looking for someone to fix what’s broken “in here” and find it, we’ve fallen in love with how they love us as opposed to the actual heart of that person. We cannot fathom and grasp true love if we are disconnected and at odds with ourselves. The math doesn’t work. I can’t give you something I don’t have. Sure, I can try, however, I’m acting at best.

Recover

Comparison with others, harsh self-criticism, low self-worth—these are all signs that there is work to be done and vibrant healing to be had. Guess what? It’s an ongoing process. We never simply “arrive”. Today, I invite you deeper into this work with me. There is no magic potion or pill (sorry for the misleading title), but there is a whole lot of grace and opportunity. We grow in relationship, not isolation. Let’s recover the little ones we left behind so long ago, abandoning them to the needs and wants of others we sought approval and safe harbor with time and time again. The safety of home is right here, right now. When we become love rather than searching to find love, we step into a pure, radiant power.  Love is always waiting, and someone very special, very innocent, desperately wants to hold your hand. 

Love & Gratitude,

Katie
xoxo

Have you signed up for my upcoming Enneagram Workshop on June 10? If not,  Click here to claim your spot!

I Saw the Light (thanks to my mentor)

“The delicate balance of mentoring someone is not creating them in your own image, but giving them the opportunity to create themselves.”
-Steven Spielberg

Hub

This month, we’ll be diving into relationship deeper than we’ve done before. At the root of it all, I believe we have this fiery desire to be seen, known, and accepted as the colorful birds we truly are. Relationship is the hub of this wheel called life and out of it, the spokes of our experience are filtered, tethered, and redeemed.

Heaven

There are countless types of relationships that create meaning and safety in life. This week, we focus on mentoring, the beautiful and life-shaping relationship that has proven invaluable for me. I must also note that I write this from a place of loss and heartache upon just hearing of the unexpected death of a remarkable woman who I had the privilege of working for several years ago, and who has been a beacon of light, joy, and encouragement for countless lives she’s touched. Robin Holland will be remembered in the Mentor’s Hall of Fame, as she surely mastered this selfless role all along the way. Heaven is a much brighter place with her sweet smile and song, embellishing its general splendor.

Align

One of the best words of advice I ever got early on was this: identify the people who inspire you and are doing the work you love and believe in, and then go align with them in some way, directly or indirectly. This has proven so valuable for me in everything I’ve put my mind to, whether music, business, therapy, or writing.

King

Connection is King when thriving is our focus, therefore strategically aligning with mentors who have stood in our footsteps and made it out on the other side victoriously is everything. We talk a lot about “finding our voice” here. I’m so passionate about facilitating this process for others not because I have anything remarkable to say, but because I’ve found my wobbly way by walking in the steady footsteps of mentors who’ve graciously given me courage to spread my wings.

Cover Songs

I like to think of it this way: when we first start to learn an instrument, we typically do so by learning the well-known, beloved songs of others, not by expecting ourselves to create genius out of nothing. I suppose Mozart and a few others were exceptions to the rule, yet I’m pretty aware of my need to stand on the shoulders of giants in order to one day improvise. Singing cover songs gives us confidence and phrasing that mold and eventually nudge us off the ledge, flapping and flailing our wings of authenticity. A good mentor will always stretch us beyond those comfortable, familiar scales and into the original songs we’re meant to sing.

Holes

No matter where we are in our career path or vocation, there is ample opportunity to lean into this beautiful brand of relationship. So what exactly is a mentor? I like Oprah’s simple definition: “A mentor is someone who allows you to see the hope inside yourself.” We all need loving mirrors of hope at different times along the way; those who’ve earned the right to poke holes in our story and offer a flashlight in times of darkness. We also tend to get so weighed down by the narrative of our own scarcity and frustration, we forget about the constant opportunity to lighten our load by sowing into someone desperately in need of hope.

Angela

Perhaps John Donne said it best: “No man is an island.” Pride-fueled isolationism is futile. We create and live most fully from a supported, safe place. I make no bones about the fact that I’d be completely lost and in the fetal position of a cold, dark room without the skill, patience, teaching, and opportunities given freely by my mentor, Angela. I’m humbled by her belief in me and beyond grateful for her wisdom and gifting.

Run

Who is your mentor? Are you in a place of transition or confusion as to where you are and where you are going? I’ve been there so many times along the way and know the bleakness of those corners. If today’s post sparked some desire in you for this type of connection, I’d love to help you find this if possible. Also, if you have ideas and insight into this process, please comment below. Loneliness is epidemic in this fast-paced, sprawling world of ours. I deeply desire for this to be a place we discover connection, feed on hope, and run with resilience.

Love & Gratitude,

Katie
xoxo

Debunking 3 Emotional Myths (and getting your power back)

I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, enjoy them, and dominate them.
-Oscar Wilde

Extension

Have you ever been so attached to a specific emotion, it felt like an extension of you? A third arm or something? I definitely have. There was a time that I battled such crippling anxiety, I couldn’t separate me from my anxiety: we were one big tangled mess of fear. It was not a good look.

Debunk

Today, I’d like to debunk a few emotional myths, how they work, and where they come from. Based on the conversations I have in and outside of therapy, I’ve pretty much gathered that we are one anxiety ridden culture, constantly living in our heads and feeling powerless over the unknown. Unlocking these truths has been literally a life-saver for me, so much so, I desperately want to help others embrace their freedom and live in a much bigger way.

Myth #1: I am powerless over my emotions

I know it feels this way. Oh how I know this. However, this is absolutely NOT true. You are in complete control of what emotions you feel based on the thoughts that permeate your brain. Despite feeling chaotic, our emotions are pretty formulaic. Here’s the breakdown:

1. You experience something that activates you
2. You make up a story in your head about what just happened
3. You feel a resulting emotion that supports the story you just made up.

It’s so unsexy and simple, just like unveiling that sad, tiny man behind the Wizard of Oz, right? If you look at that breakdown, you’ll notice the one piece that is clutch and absolutely within our control is this second layer: the story we make up in our heads.

If someone cuts me off in traffic, abruptly launching in front of me to take an exit and almost causing a head-on collision, I’m typically pretty pissed to say the least. Why? Because I’ve made up a story that they are selfish, impulsive, and have little regard for the human race let alone me.

Now shift that story: they just found out their eight-year-old son was life-flighted to Vanderbilt due to a horrible accident. Everything changes including my emotional response. If that was my story, I’d feel so much compassion and empathy, I’d pull over letting him pass and offer up a prayer. Anger wouldn’t be a remote option. We need a compelling, life-giving narrative. This is why I love Narrative Therapy so much!

Myth #2: People cause me to feel a certain way

Wrong. This one’s a biggie perhaps because the victim card is way more fun to play than is taking personal responsibility! No one can make you feel a certain way and this is such good news. Again, our narrative is everything. Sure people can try to make you feel a certain way and that’s fine. But because we can’t control the actions of others (sigh), we must shift the focus back to us, that which we have total control over.

This is where personal boundaries come in: knowing what’s okay and what’s not okay. Keep that radar intact as you move through interactions with people that constantly result in negative emotions. You may need to tweak those boundaries and graduate from an open door policy to a fence with a lock. You’ve got the key.

Myth #3: Emotions are tied to our circumstances

Lastly, but most definitely not least: we don’t have to wait until (X, Y, and Z) to be happy. If you need a reminder of this, go watch Roberto Benigni’s Oscar winning, Life is Beautiful. It’s an inspired and stunning film about joy amidst bleak odds. It will move you to tears and inspire you to hope, no matter what. Emotions are the result of the constant inner dialog playing over and over. If we want to experience more peace and joy, the choice and opportunity is all ours as we focus on thoughts that promote these emotions. This is the great money shot because now we’ve won this often daunting and exhausting battle with our emotions. We get to choose.

And now the fun begins, or continues based on where you are in your process. What are the emotional patterns you observe in your day to day? Are you happy with them or do you feel totally stuck and powerless? Slow down enough to identify the stories you’re making up in your head. Write them down. Do they need to shift? Well, my friend, the honor is all ours. Let’s go to town with this.

Love & Gratitude, Katie
xoxo