Do You Overcommit?

I used to be a lot nicer.  I used to say yes most of the time.  I used to jam-pack my days into nights with everything from coffee/lunch meetings to work (obvi) to school to long phone conversations with friends in need to shows and dinners and…you get it—contained chaos. 

I worked so hard and simultaneously complained about feeling overwhelmed with little to show for it.  “What gives?”  I’d wonder to myself more days than not.

In my mid-thirties, I woke up to a cold, hard realization—it wasn’t pretty.  I realized I was overcommitting to others out of fear and obligation and in the process, abandoning myself.  I was playing small in my life due to one of two possible self-diagnoses (or probably both):

1) FOMO (fear of missing out) 

2) FOBA (fear of being alone).  

Basically, fear and scarcity were running the show, which is really about self-worth, not time management.  

I would drop everything to help others actualize their dreams, but when it came to pushing mine forward, I was the one missing in action.  I’d rather procrastinate the deep work of creating my vision in order to pick up the pieces for others around me.  It was an immediate, (if not false) hit of belonging straight to the old ego.  

I now know this isn’t true belonging.  It’s trying to fit in. 

I also found I wasn’t as nice as I’d been letting on.  Behind the saccharine-laced veil, I was cynical and resentful, constantly comparing myself to others and critical of my inauthenticity.  

I started making some changes.  I got more honest…maybe less sweet.  I started taking inventory as to what I wanted and shifted my priorities around to facilitate those things.  You know what that was?

I have a hunch it may resonate…

I wanted to be seen, heard, and to affect positive change in the world.  Baby step after baby step, I started waking up to these desires—and honoring them.  After all, no one else could ever do this for me.  Sure, I could put support in place, but I had to do the work.  And this “work" actually smelled like joy—purpose. 

Bumpy at best, I’m still on the journey, yet I’ve found greater congruence and confidence in this new way.  I’ve also found tons more time to appropriate to the meaningful relationships that matter most to me.  

Oh, but there’s something else you should know.  A reckoning of sorts took place.  That hit I mentioned earlier? At the core of all my “overwhelm” that kept me spinning out of control was a gaping hole I was desperately trying to fill: my needs for love, acceptance, and belonging.  

I woke up to the unflattering reality that I was spread so thin in an effort to get these core needs met, and in the process, abandoned myself and my desires altogether leaving a bad aftertaste of resentment and utter discouragement.  

If you find yourself constantly overcommitting and overwhelmed, I’ve got good news for you: 

You can step off the treadmill at any time.  You can choose something different—something resonant and true for you.  Yet, In order to see your dreams become reality, you must be willing to let go of some extra baggage:

1. The belief that other people need you more than you need you

2. Saying yes to too many social obligations to be nice and fit in

3. Staying busy to avoid your needs and desires

4. Toxic relationships that breed self-doubt 

5. Any reason that convinces you you don’t have what it takes (aka fear)

6. Comparison with others (Is all that screen time really necessary?)

7. Playing the victim when setbacks arise (and they will)

My hunch is, you also want to be seen.  I sure hope so—it’s your birthright! You weren’t created to hide behind the agendas of other people.  You weren’t created to be nice.  You weren’t even created to be liked.  Let’s face it, you’re not for everyone.  You were created to be the most beautiful, bold, and true YOU imaginable.  

Oh, she’s in there, alright.  And she’s a force of nature.  Yes, we need to see her.…

So you think you should talk to someone?

I believe one of the greatest tools for working through your past, avoiding burnout and embracing true transformation is psychotherapy. It is incredibly powerful for anyone seeking a deeper sense of understanding and wholeness. 

Good therapists most definitely hold space to unpack the often-brutal stories of our past.  Yes, to write a compelling story with you playing the hero instead of the victim, it’s necessary to unearth expired lies and lay them to rest.  However, good therapists won’t leave you there.  

I’ve been a student of Dr. Joe Dispenza’s work for a while now.  He explores this topic neurologically and absolutely nails it.  Check this out:

“The stronger the emotion that we feel from some external event in our life, the more altered we feel inside of us as a result of that condition outside of us and the more we pay attention to the cause.  The challenge is, every time we think about that trauma, we’re producing the same chemistry in the brain and body as if it was happening again.  What that does is it activates a survival gene.  And when you’re in survival, what you want to do is make sure that that doesn’t happen again.”

When we lock into this type of survival mode, we often forecast worst-case scenarios.  Guess what?  Our brain doesn’t know the difference between the imagined state we create and reality. Therefore, we stay trapped in that old victim mentality and it tends to play out over and over again moving forward. 

Here’s my point: therapy often doesn’t work because we spend so much time talking about our past to the point we are literally reliving it.  Where focus goes, energy flows, therefore creating a habit of attention so strong and involuntary, it becomes nearly impossible to create new life-giving possibilities and successes in our lives.  How could we?  All our energy is being funneled into past emotions of survival long after the immediate threat is gone.  

My approach is different.  I’m convinced if we’re interested in creating lasting change, we need an experience to support us as a whole person, not just a cognitive one, from the neck up.  

Yes, we need a safe space to tell our stories—100%.  Yet we also need an experience of transformation as opposed to a conversation.  I believe this happens through a customized experiential therapeutic approach, nourished by daily practices and the support of community.  

If you’re ready to dive right in, I’d love to be your guide. Drop me a line.  I  always love hearing from you.   

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

The stories we tell ourselves keep us safe because they help us make sense of the world.  Here’s the catch though, these stories don’t have to be necessarily true—they just have to be complete in order to do so.    

I love, love, love this brilliant explanation by neurologist and novelist, Robert Burton:

“Because we are compelled to make up stories, we are often compelled to take incomplete stories and run with them.  Even if it’s a half story in our minds, we earn a dopamine ‘reward’ every time it helps us understand something in our world—even if that explanation is incomplete or wrong.” 

Damn.

For decades, I told myself a story that I was somehow wildly deficient.  Everyone else made it out of labor and delivery just fine.  Not me.  I was flawed and had to work overtime to measure up—to show up.  

What facts supported this story?  What was the payoff for believing it?  These are two questions I didn’t start asking myself until my late 20’s.  And man were they gnarly narratives to unravel.

I won’t get into the gory details here, but basically I’d adopted this self-defeating narrative early on in childhood in order to make sense of a core wound and my childish belief about that wound.  The binary conclusion I came to about that wound paid off in dividends because it helped me overcompensate and defy its possible effects moving forward.

How?  

By armoring up with perfectionism and the insatiable desire to prove the world wrong:  I am indeed enough and will work realllllly hard to show you!

This worked well until it nearly killed me.  

You and I are very much alike in that we both live out of stories— some of them life-giving,  some of them need serious editing.  

I’ll never forget the first time I sat in my therapist’s office and said these words out loud, albeit wobbly and with a tentative tone, “I’m…okay?”

Now that’s a narrative that changed everything.  If I was in fact, “okay,” I could drop the act and quit hustling for worthiness.  As a recovering perfectionist, this would be a long, humbling process—and a risk.  

Oh, but the risk far outweighed the expired reward of that old, broken story.  It’s proved much more fun as well.

I’m leaving you with a writing prompt to push around this week.  It may help you identify a few broken records you’ve been unconsciously wearing out for too long.  

If I could write the next chapter of my story and play the hero instead of the victim, it would go something like_________________________________.

Spend 10 minutes to an hour with that one.  Tell me how it goes…

How do you lead?

If there is anything I've learned from my very jerky journey of emotional and spiritual integration, it is the importance of ritual—or practice.  How do I take full responsibility for my experience, and in doing so, create the life I desire as opposed to a life I settle for?  It’s the difference between leading your life and merely managing it. I believe we close this gap by developing self-awareness through simple practices.

Chances are, if you’re reading blogs about emotional health and wellness such as this one, or have sought therapy at some point, you’re a leader.  Why? Because you are actively participating in cultivating the hidden potential in your life.  You’re finding your edge and sharpening it.  

I like Brené Brown's definition of a leader in her book, Dare to Lead: “Anyone who takes responsibility for finding the potential in people and processes, and who has the courage to develop that potential.” 

Sounds doable, right? Within reach? Without a doubt, I believe it absolutely is. 

Hold up though.  If you and I are going to be leaders, developing and speaking into the lives of others, don’t we first need to lead our own lives fairly well? Otherwise, we prop up a flimsy facade of ego and lack the deep roots of character and credibility necessary to sustain leadership from a place of truth and integrity.  

I tend to love the whipped up pace marked by the end of summer—a return to school, work deadlines, structure, and a bit of normalcy.  It’s the perfect opportunity to connect to the potential bubbling up under the surface and lead from a place of intention instead of reaction? How do we do this? I’m convinced the unsexy truth is we get really good at practice.  

Practice what??

I’ve got three uber simple rituals for you to practice this week. 

1. First thought: When your eyeballs pop open first thing in the morning, guess what? A first thought also starts to percolate.  That first thought has the power to steer your day either north to Mt. Abundance, or south, to Lake Scarcity.  You have creative license to craft that thought, coloring the trajectory of your day.  If that thought is, “I’m just so tired and didn’t get enough sleep.” Guess which direction you’re headed? Yep…south straight to scarcity.  You’re in the driver seat though, so take a minute, first thing in the morning, to carefully choose the thought that will direct your day in the right direction.  The scenery is much better on this route, I promise.

2. Gratitude: Throughout the day, take three one-minute breaks and identify at least one thing you are grateful for in the moment.  Meal times are ideal to practice this as we (hopefully) slow down and hop off the treadmill of our day.  The goal here: keep them simple (i.e. lungs that work, food to eat, a new day, a job or hobby, a dear friend).

3. Belly-breathing: It’s fascinating to me that as a culture, we largely suck at breathing.  Our overall vitality and quality of life immediately improves when we practice deep, steady breathing.  But guess what?  We’re just. so. busy.  I’m calling B.S. on busy.  For at least one minute each day, practice slow, belly-breathing.  Breathing into our belly, or body’s center of intelligence, brings a tangible feeling of groundedness.  Place your hand on your belly and feel it rise and fall, like a cashed-out kid at naptime.  We’re often so disconnected from our bodies, which stunts us from experiencing the fullness of each moment.  Belly-breathing is the quickest way to connect us back to presence and the intelligent knowing of our bodies.

If these seem too pedestrian—or basic, for you as you step into CEO of YOU, guess what?  Get over it.  Tough love, my friend.  The best musicians in the world got that way because they nailed the basics, and still practice them.  We’re all guilty of getting in our own way by not practicing what we preach. I’m pretty sure I wrote the book on self-sabotage.  However, now is the time to return to the basics and start leading a life that inspires hope and desire.  My challenge to you is this: have the courage to do the small things that lead to big change.  Inspire yourself so much that others start to lean into your light and see themselves in a new, empowered way.  I’m pretty sure that’s called an icon.  Greatness starts off small and grows in that light.

The Somatic Enneagram

One of my favorite things about the Enneagram is its holistic capacity to  bring balance and integration to our overall experience.  I’ve heard it described as a psycho-spiritual tool, one that provides benefits on a psychological and spiritual plane.  It definitely does this.  However, if we dismiss the rich insight the Enneagram provides to us on a somatic level, we are missing out on the gifts it can bring to our total embodiment day after day.  

You may have heard about the concept of three intelligence centers: body, heart, and mind, frequently taught in enneagram circles.  Basically, this proves that we are actually three-brained beings (heart, body, mind) instead of one-brained beings (mind), as has been elevated in our modern western world.  Emotional intelligence has made a big splash in the last 50 years or so, yet somatic intelligence has not been as accepted until now.  Thankfully, recent scientific studies are finally catching up to this wisdom of the Enneagram by proving we have neural cells not just in our brains, but  in the lining of our stomachs and hearts.  Crazy, right?

I recently interviewed Terry Saracino, core faculty member of the Narrative Enneagram (and my teacher…pinch me!) for the Practice, my enneagram-based self-care membership program.  Specifically, we talked about the somatic approach unique to the Narrative Tradition.  If you are interested in taking your Enneagram understanding and overall well-being to the next level, I hope you will join and check out that conversation! 

Terry is lovely and brilliant and is as passionate today about this system as when she first learned about it in 1989.  

She describes this dynamic approach to understanding ourselves through the lens of the Enneagram, and really unpacks this often forgotten intelligence center of the body.  Interestingly, our bodies are always in the present moment.  Our hearts and minds can be all over the map, future-tripping and stuck in the past, but our bodies ground us in the present moment if we are willing to bring greater awareness to them.  Our bodies are the experiencer of our Enneagram type patterns of thought and emotion, so we must lean on them for greater insight and support in our day to day experience.  

Many of us are wildly disconnected from this somatic, or kinesthetic wisdom.  And one of the trillion things I love about the Enneagram is it’s all about bringing balance and openness where there is imbalance and contraction.   

When we do the work of the Enneagram, we discover our personality type and deeper character structure are held into place by our type’s emotional patterns, thought patterns, and somatic profile.  I love getting to work with clients to bring awareness to this unique type-specific picture and begin to relax these often limiting patterns.  As we relax those conditioned patterns, we are able to open up to the true, or unconditioned self that has been buried under years of habit and automatic behaviors.  

Do you long to experience a more embodied, balanced life?  If so, you’ve come to the right place.