How to Reclaim Your Power Every Day

Almost two years ago, I got an unwanted phone call. On the other end was Dr. Lisa Bellin, the breast specialist at St. Thomas West hospital here in Nashville, TN. She gave me the grim news that the biopsy she performed two days earlier was in fact, cancer.

Talk about an absolute loss of power. It was one of those crystallizing moments in time that mark the boundary between life as I’d known it and a life that was unknown...and scary as hell.

Because if it’s not a breast cancer diagnosis, it’s a pandemic, a tornado, systemic racism, the stock market, or the bleak mid-winter of loneliness. Now more than ever, we face an unfolding uncertainty. We must learn how to respond rather than react. There’s a difference.

I suppose we could decide on any given day that life is just too hard, and not worth the time and effort to make sense of any of it. We could give up. I’ve been there more times than I care to admit. And yet I go to work every day and meet with courageous souls who long to show up for themselves and their loved ones despite the chaos spinning around them.

They are in pain, yet they don’t want to suffer. Again, another difference.

We will inevitably experience pain in life. Some more than others. Pain is undemocratic. It’s part of life. Suffering, on the other hand, is the story of defeat we believe about our pain. This is optional.

If you want to read a book and be transformed by a story of overcoming in the face of dire circumstances and pain, read Viktor Frankl’s, Man’s Search for Meaning. It’s the original playbook on reclaiming personal power. He survived the Holocaust and harnessed that pain to pioneer a life-giving approach to psychology called Logotherapy. It’s not about avoiding pain. It’s about finding meaning in the midst of the pain.

This is what I’m reminded of today: our personal power is not contingent on our circumstances. Our personal power is contingent on the wink of a moment that separates our circumstance from our response. Our personal power lies in the ability to slow down that moment and stretch it out. The space we create in that moment is everything. It gives way to the story we will live out of moving forward.

Your power is in your choice.

Oh, if we could bottle up this beauty and drink just a tablespoon every morning as a part of our personal narratives.

But wait...we can.

How will you wield it today?

The Beatles, Bossa Nova and the Problem with Perfect

The other day I was driving, and for some reason, I couldn’t get the bluetooth on my phone to connect with the car’s sound system. So, I found myself listening to The Beatles station on XM radio. I’ve been in a podcast haze for the last several months, and despite my affinity for them, was needing a bit of melody in my heart and body to balance out all that heightened cognitive consumption.

I didn’t grow up on The Beatles. Even though both my parents were musicians, they didn’t really grow up on The Beatles either. It wasn’t their thing. They (and as a result, I) grew up on jazz, namely, the Bossa Nova. I’m not mad about it either.

My Beatles education comes from my husband. As a drummer, producer, and the biggest music nerd I’ve ever met, he’s constantly schooling me about the legendary imprint those fab four left on the world. I’m grateful for this and always trying to listen for another layer of genius each time I hear one of their songs.

Back to the other day. I had one of those “aha” moments in the car on my way back from Target. You ready for this?

We absolutely can’t entertain the creative process and perfectionism in the same room, let alone breath. They are distinct enemies and hate each other’s guts.

Why? Creativity is messy and takes loads of courage and curiosity. Perfectionism depends on control and reeks of fear. Creativity requires letting go in order to trust a higher, more vulnerable process. Perfectionism is an excuse we give ourselves as to why we stay stuck in the need for certainty. Really, it’s just a scared man’s game. There’s nothing virtuous or noble about perfectionism. It’s a total sham.

If you listen back to some of Bossa Nova’s most magical moments, you’ll undoubtedly find two central characters, Astrud Gilberto & Antonio Carlos Jobim (well three...Stan Getz.) You know what you will not find? Autotune…a thing they use in modern music production that can take your tone-deaf 82-year-old grandmother and make her sound like Brandi Carlisle. It’s like photoshopping a recording.

Guess what? There was no photoshopping The Beatles either. Despite their masterful, tight sound, what makes it so good and authentic is the quirky, jangly, and quintessential English flavor we know and love. It’s all them. As I listened to In My Life, a total favorite, I was reminded of the simple wizardry hidden all throughout. Likewise with Corcovado, a classic Getz/Gilberto tune. Both, in my estimation, are iconic—complete with endearing pitchiness, that yummy analog warmth, and an energy that’s palpable.

Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly. I’ve clung tightly to this mantra for years. If you are waiting to write the perfect book, give a pristine presentation, release a musical masterpiece, or develop the fanciest website for your business before you ever put yourself out there, you’ve already missed a great opportunity. It’s the opportunity to find your voice and begin using it despite the nervous, wobbly first couple hundred efforts.

It’s true. You and I may never make jazz or rock n’ roll history. However, as human beings born to create (and yes, you are highly creative no matter what you think), we have a responsibility to live courageously in the direction of our dreams. It’s what separates us from animals—this ability to make up stories and all sorts of other stuff. It gives us meaning. It gives us purpose. Purpose, after all, is the opposite of depression, not happiness like we tend to assume.

The world doesn’t want your perfection, it wants you. Ask yourself what it is you would do, create, or be today if fear was not an option. What’s that treasure hidden deep inside you?

Got it? Go write it down. Every detail you can muster. You know what? You’re already one step closer. I dare you to take one more. Go fall flat on your face and get back up. Take another. That’s called courage. And that, my friend, is more than perfect...it’s everything.

The Problem with Goals

Today’s thoughts are a bit more like a brain dump than a blog post.  (How’s that for a disclaimer?)  But I do think you may resonate, so stay with me.  

 I’ve been thinking a lot about goals lately.  Maybe it’s my over-active three wing (the Achiever) or maybe it’s something of a spring cleaning as daylight savings is right around the cold corner.  Either way, I’ve carved out some big goals for myself.  

 How do you approach goals? Do they feel supportive? Restrictive? Unrealistic? All or nothing?  

 Me? All of the above.  

 Typically, I’ll hunker down with my laptop and an oat milk latte and energetically list out what I want to accomplish in the week, months, and year  ahead.  I love the energy involved in this process—sky’s the limit and I like to fly high.  And then, I peruse the final holy grail, and I….leave it there?  

Yep, I save it in a folder and let it collect virtual dust on the shelf, taking with me only a few of the highlights rolling around in my head and no clear plan of action.    

I know what you’re thinking.  “But they have planners for this!” Wah, wah.  I know I HAVE ALL OF THEM.   

Here’s the deal.  I believe goals aren’t the answer for a few different reasons.  

1. They create a destination where you will find satisfaction only when said destination is reached.  I like to call this contingency living.  I’ll be happy when…(I lose 10 pounds or get the book deal or run the marathon.)

2. They often set us up for failure because they’re too big and lack a plan.

3. They take us out of the present moment, eyes fixed on the prize ahead.  We end up missing out on our lives always living for the payoff.  

4. They don’t address the identity shift that must happen to affect long term change. 

 So, what if we learn to fall in love with the process instead of the goal.  What if we create a doable, enjoyable, and realistic plan that focuses on tiny changes—shifts—along the way? In doing so, we not only create momentum, we start to see ourselves in a different, more empowered light.  We step into a new identity, a new story, that aligns with the type of person who achieves your desired outcome.  

 Are you ready to be the hero of your own story?  Join me in the Practice, an online community committed to self-care and development by creating everyday rhythms and practices that help you thrive.

Tiny Changes, Massive Impact

You’ve heard the saying, “Rome wasn’t built in a day.”   

So why do we have these crazy unrealistic expectations of ourselves?  

I have thoughts on this.  

For most people, extremes are easier than balance.  Unless we’ve already arrived in the vibrant land of Growth Mindset, we tend to get stuck in the purgatory of all or nothing.  

Black and white, dualistic belief systems keep us stuck in the rigidity of a  fixed mindset.  

Here’s an example most of us can relate to.  You’ve indulged in way too much of Jeni’s Salted Caramel ice cream.  I mean, holy dairy, that stuff is like crack.  You’re feeling the sugar coma set in along with a delayed wave of shame and a stomach ache.  

So you beat yourself up and swear you won’t touch it again for the foreseeable future.  In fact, you’ve been flirting with the idea of going Keto so this is your shining opportunity.

Sound familiar?  Or am I the only one who loses all self-control in the face of ice cream?  

That type of all-or-nothing behavior is baked into our DNA as humans.  Opening up to a growth, or responsive mindset rather than a reactionary one typically must be learned.  

And yet, when do we actually learn this mature approach to self-development? It’s something that has been a powerful exploration in my life as a recovering perfectionist.

A growth mindset is all about both/and.  

A fixed mindset is all about either/or.  

A growth mindset says,”I ate too much ice cream, I’ll choose something healthy for dinner.”

A fixed mindset says, “I ate too much ice cream.  I’m going to go run six miles to burn it off and eat next Tuesday.”  

One feels kinder, spacious…and more balanced.  Unless you really just love running 6 miles with a belly ache.

A growth mindset is also built on the firm foundation of consistent, small changes, over time.  It allows for doable goal setting and implementation rather than extreme makeovers in less than a week.  Why? Because that kind of hustle can’t ultimately be sustained.  It will likely throw us back into a yo-yo approach to relationship with self and others.

For example, you’re boarding a plane from Nashville to LA.  If the pilot is just two degrees off in navigation, you’ll likely end up in Seattle.  Tiny shifts, over time, create big results.  

What are some desired outcomes you’d like to see in your life right now?  Give yourself plenty of time to get there and break it down into bite-size changes that will help you get there.  

As always, I’m here for you if you need a little extra support on the journey.

So you think you should talk to someone?

I believe one of the greatest tools for working through your past, avoiding burnout and embracing true transformation is psychotherapy. It is incredibly powerful for anyone seeking a deeper sense of understanding and wholeness. 

Good therapists most definitely hold space to unpack the often-brutal stories of our past.  Yes, to write a compelling story with you playing the hero instead of the victim, it’s necessary to unearth expired lies and lay them to rest.  However, good therapists won’t leave you there.  

I’ve been a student of Dr. Joe Dispenza’s work for a while now.  He explores this topic neurologically and absolutely nails it.  Check this out:

The stronger the emotion that we feel from some external event in our life, the more altered we feel inside of us as a result of that condition outside of us and the more we pay attention to the cause.  The challenge is, every time we think about that trauma, we’re producing the same chemistry in the brain and body as if it was happening again.  What that does is it activates a survival gene.  And when you’re in survival, what you want to do is make sure that that doesn’t happen again.

When we lock into this type of survival mode, we often forecast worst-case scenarios.  Guess what?  Our brain doesn’t know the difference between the imagined state we create and reality. Therefore, we stay trapped in that old victim mentality and it tends to play out over and over again moving forward. 

Here’s my point: therapy often doesn’t work because we spend so much time talking about our past to the point we are literally reliving it.  Where focus goes, energy flows, therefore creating a habit of attention so strong and involuntary, it becomes nearly impossible to create new life-giving possibilities and successes in our lives.  How could we?  All our energy is being funneled into past emotions of survival long after the immediate threat is gone.  

My approach is different.  I’m convinced if we’re interested in creating lasting change, we need an experience to support us as a whole person, not just a cognitive one, from the neck up.  

Yes, we need a safe space to tell our stories—100%.  Yet we also need an experience of transformation as opposed to a conversation.  I believe this happens through daily practices and community.  

If you’re ready to dive right in, I’d love to support you in finding a tangible  breakthrough.  I’m also cooking up some resources that will be available this fall and will support your everyday experience.  

Drop me a line.  I always love hearing from you.