(VIDEO) Success vs. Happiness (and 3 things I learned from a rose bush)

“The useless days will add up to something. These things are your becoming.”

Cheryl Strayed

Wall

This past week I hit a wall. My body revolted to the hamster wheel of work and productivity I’d been on for most of 2017 and thought it would be funny, entertaining, or cruel at best to throw me a curveball. So last Saturday, down to the minute of finishing the third and last (hopefully) board exam I’m required to take, I felt my body begin to shut down.

“We’ve had enough Katie, you’ve done what you had to do and that’s fine. However, we refuse to live like this, so today consider us officially on strike. Rest up and we’ll see you in a couple of weeks.
Warmly,
Management.”

Ouch. Literally.

Sidelines

Today, by the time you read this, I’ll have finally gotten off all meds, have energy levels back to normal, and hopefully, two unclogged ears. I’m going to be very honest, it’s been rough. I don’t like being on the sidelines of life, waiting for re-entry into the game. I like to have about eight different projects and pots stirring at once, falling into bed at the close of each long day with faint levels of exhaustion, in a good way, you know? The kind that feels accomplished and meaningful.

Backseat

It also doesn’t help that I’ve not been sick to the point of derailment from all work and activity, yet steadily teetering on the edge of okay and flagging with massive dips vamping around 7 pm. I’m learning that extremes are much easier than balance and success and progress doesn’t equal happiness. Workouts, social engagements, and extracurricular work projects all took the backseat as I patiently partnered with my body to gain strength and energy. Booorrring.

Medicate

I sat—a lot. I don’t much like sitting. I journaled—a lot, taking the good advice I give to clients weekly. I also thought —a lot, thereby cancelling out any of that good advice I’d taken.

Here is one finding I observed: I medicate on purpose, doing, moving forward, and achieving BIG TIME. This is insidious and oh so subtle as none of the above are inherently bad things. Most things people get addicted to aren’t: food, booze, working out, money, gambling, sex, work, shopping, etc…However, when our daily success is propped up by these things, we can rest assure a rude awakening is coming for us someday soon. As the old saying goes, “Deal with your shit or your shit will deal with you.” Noted.

Presence

We can’t lead anyone to a place we’re not personally willing to go. Our words and actions will fall flat on deaf ears. I’m in the process of going deeper into this thing called presence, free from the buzz of a constant agenda and task list, or whatever the medicator may be.

As a community, we are going deeper into this thing called identity and I must confess, I’ve only partially grasped it. I’ve smugly believed that we can “act as if” until the shoe fits, much like all those desperate if not well-meaning ladies stuffing their oversized feet into Cinderella’s tiny slipper. We can’t just “do” our way into identity. Sure action is important, yet slowing down to listen is a surer path to our authentic, essential selves.

Join me

I’ve got a short video for you today about this seemingly paradoxical notion and I’d love for you to check it out. I feel much more alive after stepping off that hamster wheel I spoke of earlier. It was a scary strike at first, however, worth it in every way. If you struggle like I do and clumsily identify success as happiness, this video is for you. If you need support getting off of your own vicious treadmill, let’s connect. Beautiful things spring out of unlikely places that often lie way outside our death grip of control. Ease up, gently. Its time to trust the process.

Love & Gratitude,

Katie xoxo 

We can't lead anyone to a place we're not willing to go. Our words and actions will fall flat on deaf ears. I'm in the process of going deeper into this thing called presence, free from the buzz of a constant agenda and task list, or whatever the medicator may be.

Debunking 3 Emotional Myths (and getting your power back)

I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, enjoy them, and dominate them.
-Oscar Wilde

Extension

Have you ever been so attached to a specific emotion, it felt like an extension of you? A third arm or something? I definitely have. There was a time that I battled such crippling anxiety, I couldn’t separate me from my anxiety: we were one big tangled mess of fear. It was not a good look.

Debunk

Today, I’d like to debunk a few emotional myths, how they work, and where they come from. Based on the conversations I have in and outside of therapy, I’ve pretty much gathered that we are one anxiety ridden culture, constantly living in our heads and feeling powerless over the unknown. Unlocking these truths has been literally a life-saver for me, so much so, I desperately want to help others embrace their freedom and live in a much bigger way.

Myth #1: I am powerless over my emotions

I know it feels this way. Oh how I know this. However, this is absolutely NOT true. You are in complete control of what emotions you feel based on the thoughts that permeate your brain. Despite feeling chaotic, our emotions are pretty formulaic. Here’s the breakdown:

1. You experience something that activates you
2. You make up a story in your head about what just happened
3. You feel a resulting emotion that supports the story you just made up.

It’s so unsexy and simple, just like unveiling that sad, tiny man behind the Wizard of Oz, right? If you look at that breakdown, you’ll notice the one piece that is clutch and absolutely within our control is this second layer: the story we make up in our heads.

If someone cuts me off in traffic, abruptly launching in front of me to take an exit and almost causing a head-on collision, I’m typically pretty pissed to say the least. Why? Because I’ve made up a story that they are selfish, impulsive, and have little regard for the human race let alone me.

Now shift that story: they just found out their eight-year-old son was life-flighted to Vanderbilt due to a horrible accident. Everything changes including my emotional response. If that was my story, I’d feel so much compassion and empathy, I’d pull over letting him pass and offer up a prayer. Anger wouldn’t be a remote option. We need a compelling, life-giving narrative. This is why I love Narrative Therapy so much!

Myth #2: People cause me to feel a certain way

Wrong. This one’s a biggie perhaps because the victim card is way more fun to play than is taking personal responsibility! No one can make you feel a certain way and this is such good news. Again, our narrative is everything. Sure people can try to make you feel a certain way and that’s fine. But because we can’t control the actions of others (sigh), we must shift the focus back to us, that which we have total control over.

This is where personal boundaries come in: knowing what’s okay and what’s not okay. Keep that radar intact as you move through interactions with people that constantly result in negative emotions. You may need to tweak those boundaries and graduate from an open door policy to a fence with a lock. You’ve got the key.

Myth #3: Emotions are tied to our circumstances

Lastly, but most definitely not least: we don’t have to wait until (X, Y, and Z) to be happy. If you need a reminder of this, go watch Roberto Benigni’s Oscar winning, Life is Beautiful. It’s an inspired and stunning film about joy amidst bleak odds. It will move you to tears and inspire you to hope, no matter what. Emotions are the result of the constant inner dialog playing over and over. If we want to experience more peace and joy, the choice and opportunity is all ours as we focus on thoughts that promote these emotions. This is the great money shot because now we’ve won this often daunting and exhausting battle with our emotions. We get to choose.

And now the fun begins, or continues based on where you are in your process. What are the emotional patterns you observe in your day to day? Are you happy with them or do you feel totally stuck and powerless? Slow down enough to identify the stories you’re making up in your head. Write them down. Do they need to shift? Well, my friend, the honor is all ours. Let’s go to town with this.

Love & Gratitude, Katie
xoxo

(Video) Lessons from Vegas: Leaning into Uncertainty

 It really is possible to thrive amid uncertainty. It’s not about getting advice you can trust; it’s about faith and self-trust — believing that whatever happens, you’ll find a way through it.

Brené Brown

LAS VEGAS

This past week I spent some time out in Las Vegas for the ACM awards. For whatever reason, I’d never been before. Perhaps because I’m typically not too into gambling, excess, and total escape from reality. Okay, okay, maybe I’m being harsh.
Truth be told, I found myself in Observer Heaven. The people watching alone filled up my tank for a nice long while. It was an experience to remember and I brought back a couple of insights to chew on as well.

I noticed several things about our fascinating human race, two in particular:
1) We are desperately looking to have fun. Seems obvious enough, right? Maybe. Or maybe we just aren’t having enough fun in our everyday lives so we go binge on it in Vegas a couple of times a year. Whatever the case, I’m reminded that just like cultivating celebration in our daily lives, we need to nurture that little kid inside who longs to simply have fun. We don’t need to get permission from Vegas to do so either. We could save some serious cash by simply practicing this sense of play and curiosity in our daily experience. Yes, we need to play more, friends.

2) We must lean into uncertainty in order to live authentically and fully alive. We are naturally wired for certainty, so this often feels unnatural and awkward. We even get a dopamine hit when we complete a perfect, concentric circle of certainty in our brains. Brene Brown unpacks this notion beautifully in her latest book, Rising Strong.

LEANING INTO UNCERTAINTY

In Vegas, people are leaning into uncertainty as they risk their hard-earned money in those dark, fun-houses called casinos. They don’t blink an eye; they want to win.
I want to learn from this and practice a similar risk taking in my everyday experience. No, it doesn’t include a slot machine or roulette table. I’m talking about risking the cozy boxes of certainty in basic, daily decisions of life. It’s scary and uncomfortable for sure–most unfamiliar things are, however, we’ll typically find growth and opportunity on the other side.

So, this week’s lessons from Vegas include having more fun and leaning into the great big unknown without having to get on a plane or spend a dime. Who’s with me?

Until next time, have a wonderful week!

Love & Gratitude,

Katie
xoxo

P.S. If you know someone who might like some extra support and encouragement, I’d love for you to invite them on this journey by forwarding this email or signing them up here.

Good Afternoon, LAS VEGAS This past week I spent some time out in Las Vegas for the ACM awards. For whatever reason, I'd never been before. Perhaps because I'm typically not too into gambling, total excess, and total escape from reality. Okay, okay, maybe I'm being harsh.

Failure School: How to Succeed at Failing

99.99999% of your fears
live only in your imagination,
in anticipation, and in memory.

Even if the ‘worst’ happens,
you’ll find yourself dealing with it in the moment,
responding from a place of presence.

You don’t have to deal with it now.
You’ll handle it then.

And who knows:
The ‘worst’ thing may turn out
to be your greatest teacher,
your most profound call to awakening,
an invitation to the kind of courage
of which you’d never thought yourself capable.

Fear isn’t your enemy,
but a signpost.

Breathe into the moment.

– Jeff Foster

Benign

I just googled the definition of “failure.”  Here’s the most comprehensive and concise meaning I found: “the omission of expected or required action.”  Sounds pretty benign, right—so matter of fact?

The kind of fear of failure I’ve experienced along the way has been a far cry from this bland “omission” situation.  Quite the contrary; it’s been a crippling and immobilizing force that’s stunted growth, joy, and relationships.  From the anonymous surveys many of you were total champions for completing last week, I know I’m very much not alone.

I’m fascinated by this unruly expectation we place on ourselves to avoid failure. So much so that I’m developing some additional resources for us to dig into around this work on a deeper level.  For now though, I want to pepper your thoughts with some key insights that have become a lynchpin shift in my understanding and approach to failure.

Expectation Shift

The operative word in the above definition is certainly “expect” not “omission” as it relates to our study here.  Why?  Well, simply put, because it’s the subjective that we tend to personalize, not the objective facts.  I either deliver or I don’t and surely my life’s worth and value aren’t tied up in that slice of history.

Bomb

I’ve bombed so many performances it might lead you to wonder if I had a screw loose for continuing in my early music days.  For some ungodly reason, I kept going even though it felt like cruel and unusual self-harm.  Strangely, no one ever told me I sucked or bombed it or should definitely not quit my day job.  I only received encouragement and kindness.  I realize, we are in the South y’all.  Nonetheless, I’m a pretty good read and they seemed genuine.

Fall

We’re so tightly wound and attached to the narrow expectation of who we should be and how we should perform that we lose sight of the incredibly vast and curious horizons that come along with the fall.

Have you ever watched a toddler on the cusp of walking? First of all, it’s high and hilarious art.  Secondly, the ONLY way their tiny muscles are made stronger is by falling and getting up—over and over and over again.  And we “ooh” and “ahh” and gawk like grown chimpanzees about to be fed at the circus in response.  Go figure.

Imagination

So why is it so terrifying to fail?  I believe it’s because we are afraid of the way we will treat ourselves and as a result feel in response to our perceived failure–our missing the mark.  Like the poem states, nearly every shred of our fears live in the stories we make up about them, our imagination. Our fears are rarely tethered to reality and we drive the shame ship of our failure…we’re the culprit!  Sure, the outcome is humbling at first, but by elevating our belief about failure, we construct a new brain pathway or go-to storyline that facilitates self-compassion instead of self-flagellation.  We don’t evolve by playing it safe in a mole hole, but by staying present at the crossroads of failure and opportunity.

Know the Difference

Before you go poking holes in my sunshine, I’ll clarify an exception to the rule. There are two types of failure, and I refer to failure at this point as something necessary for growth and success.

There is all-in failure and half-ass failure.  All-in failure is when we’ve shown up,  given our all, and  fully engaged in the pursuit at hand, yet for whatever reason didn’t quite make the cut.  The passion and effort are there, yet the outcome is not—yet anyway.

Half-ass failure, as you might imagine, is missing the mark without giving it a fighting, bleeding-heart chance.  We’ve all been there, yet it’s not a  helpful pattern as it ultimately becomes self-fulling prophecy.  Oftentimes, this is simply a good indicator that we may not really want what we’re limping for and redirection is necessary.

Failure File

This homework might blow your mind and/or cause you to become extremely frustrated with me.  Both are fine, just keep me in the loop there. 

I’m convinced if we’re not wholeheartedly failing, we’re not stretching ourselves enough.

I recently heard a podcast interview with a man (whom I couldn’t catch his name for the life of me) talking about this very concept.  He’s a big wig coach who guides super successful executives into their highest potential.  He gave his clients strict homework to fail at least five times a month and record those failures in a specified file in their office, a failure file.  (Mic drop.) I nearly turned it off.

Momentum

I wrestled with this notion for a couple hours, and quickly became OBSESSED.  Fickle, yes.  I’ve started experimenting so as to really put myself out there in ways that seem uncomfortable and awkward.  You know what?  In the process, I’ve accomplished some pretty daunting goals I’ve had staring me down for months now and feel a noticeable momentum shift.  There’s something to this.

And so I dare you.  Start your own failure file this week and go for one “all-in fail” to add to it.  What comes up for you even thinking about this stuff?  Dig into to; dance with it.  It surely won’t kill you.  If nothing else, your world will be so much bigger for playing along.  Go ahead, give yourself total permission, or homework,  to fail.  There’s wide-open freedom and life in that movement.

A man we know and love called Winston Churchill said it well.  He’s a mixed bag of courage, successes, failure, bullheaded stubbornness, and legend all in one. His stories and words have a vibrant life of their own well after his last breath.  Now that’s gumption.

“Success is not final. Failure is not fatal.  It is the courage to continue that counts.”

-Winston Churchill

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

xoxo

Rebirth: The Darkness & The Light

“There’s a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.”

-Leonard Cohen

New

This week has been over the top.  I experienced something incredible that will forever change me. In a world desperately craving hope and light, i’m reminded that everything pales in comparison to this: new life.  I became an aunt for the first time on Sunday.  Welcoming a new precious little baby girl into the world has halted life as I know it and spawned a rebirth of sorts inside me.

Drip

I’m coming to you this week from the storybook hills, winding roads, and sun-dappled redwoods of Northern California, Mendocino County to be specific.  That’s where my sister, brother, and new niece live.  It’s lovely—a little isolated for my taste, but a welcomed change from the steady drip of burgeoning Nashville congestion and my recent time in LA.

Camper

Life and busyness have stood still in these enchanted hills for the past week in some ways.  Torrential rains have flooded the area, throwing the roads and soil into whiplash on the heels of a five-year draught.  The main road down into town collapsed on Tuesday morning, leaving us with no clear way out.  No Target runs, no last-minute grocery store visits, no Netflix either.  Due to all the rain, the solar power has been low in the house so we’ve had to conserve energy.  Oh, so no hair tools either.  I’m convinced God has a very dry, very witty sense about him…I mean come on…have you met me?  I’m not exactly a “camper”.

Magic

In other ways, life has exploded everywhere in our hearts with the arrival of Estella West Brandon.  She’s purely exquisite, a gift of beauty so magical and true—I get it now.  She didn’t come easy though.  In fact, witnessing her mother’s pregnancy journey and all-natural birth was a soul crushing battle at times.  Lauren is stunning and strong beyond belief.  She and Mother Nature were both forces to be reckoned with this week.

MVP

If you’ve ever witnessed, or better, had a natural childbirth, you know exactly what I’m talking about.  If you’ve ever experienced complications in the midst of a natural childbirth like my sister did, you’re already a card-carrying MVP of the Badass Club.  My hat’s off to you.  There is darkness, hopelessness, exhaustion, and excruciating pain that comes before the light of life crosses its threshold into this world.  It’s scary…almost violent.

Metaphor

This struggle is beautifully metaphorical for the spiritual and emotional renewal and rebirth we long to experience.  I’m reminded of this as I observe all the changes and seeming inconveniences of motherhood.  Quite simply, if we want to see change, things must change, and that’s painful.  Here are some high-watt lightbulbs that went off for me this week.

Lean into the pain

Thirty-two hours of labor later, Lauren knew exactly just how much pain her body could endure.  What I beheld, (yes, she let me stay in the room throughout), was this stunning dance with the pain.  She didn’t run from it, avoid it, hell, she did’t even have drugs (???)—she leaned into the pain, leveraging its power.  Mic drop.

Friends, this is for you and me!  When we run from our pain whether through avoidance, busyness, or numbing, we actually prolong it.  The fastest way through our struggle is not around it; we must journey into its center in order to find freedom.  It’s a spiritual journey-one sacred beyond belief.

Teamwork is key

We’ve gotta build a team.  I use the word “build” intentionally.  This team doesn’t just appear overnight, we must seek it out.  In Lauren’s case, there was a doula, a midwife, nurses, her loving partner, Sky, family, and a community of friends who had traversed the rocky road right by her side.

Build

What does your team look like as you make the brave journey into the rebirth and newness you long for?  A coach, a therapist, a mentor, a community group, a trusted friend, all of the above?  If I’ve said anything on this platform worth repeating its this:  we grow in relationship, not in isolation.  Who’s on your dream team?  Build it.

Breathe

The thread of relief at every point along the way is our breath.  It’s not talking, it’s not thinking, it’s breathing.  This is so apparent in childbirth, it’s almost exaggerated.  Incidentally, it’s the one thing that connects us to the present moment, allowing us to lean into the pain and not run away.  Deep breathing is cleansing, calming, and healing.  Our bodies physically can’t stay in panic mode when we’re tethered by the breath.

Escape

We spend far too much time in our minds, analyzing and escaping the present moment.  If there is one practical tool that’s given me relief from anxiety and depression along the way, it is the gift of breath-mindfulness.  Simple?  Yes, of course—as are most things in life that really create lasting change.  You’re smart though, and smart people tend to overcomplicate things. 

Bright

I want to leave you with this thought: you are far stronger than you realize.  Courage shows up in discomfort and discomfort always signals opportunity, rebirth.  This week if you find yourself in a tight place, with waning hope and weary bones, take heart.  I’ve never seen a darker night loom before the brightest dawn of new life as I did Sunday, February 19, 2017 at 2:29 pm.  As my talented dear friend, Anna, always says, “You never know what a day will bring.”

You, my friend, are wildly strong and beautiful and I’m in your corner, cheering you on, big time!

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

xoxo