Pause & Reset — The Eclipse (and a VERY special announcement!)

Hello!

I hope your week is going well and you were able to catch the total eclipse on Monday. It was magical, eerie, mysterious, and simply moving. To be honest, I’m still very much processing it today.

In fact, it stirred up deep emotion and thought I wasn’t expecting. I’ve loved hearing friends and clients describe their experience as well. A common thread of feedback I’m getting is how unifying this mind-blowing act of mother nature was and is in light of the current chaotic times unfolding before our eyes.

The light became dark as the sun took a leave of absence for mere minutes. We dipped into the great unknown and uncertain, and all the surrounding chaos got dim in comparison to the display of pure genius we beheld.

Yes, indeed; a much-needed reprieve, though brief.

I’m struck by this powerful notion of pause: a collective joining of earth’s awareness directed in nature’s singular display of awe and wonder. Nature has an uncanny ability to ground us in the present moment.

I feel this grounding at the beach as well. Next to the ocean, my little life gets filed away in the perspective drawer and those mighty waves of relief wash over the worrisome details that seemed overwhelming. A pause…a deep breath…and a gentle reset.

As I sat drinking coffee and journaling the jumbled tangle of feelings bubbling up beneath the surface pre-eclipse Monday morning, I came across a quote from Author and Enneagram teacher, Ian Cron.

It helped me put language around what I was experiencing. Ian elegantly stated,

“Humans are the only beings that have the agency to mask their identities. Our goal is to become the true self.”

Yes!! How often do you find yourself putting on masks that disconnect you from the truth of who you are? I know I do… often.

For me, the eclipse served as this dramatic invitation to pause, notice the truth inside, and reset to the path of my essential self. This constant awareness is our collective true north.

When the light of certainty gets dim around us, hopefully we can call on courage and dig deep into that pulsing inner light of wisdom and truth that longs to lead us.

What’s guiding you? What masks do you find yourself wearing that may not be true to who you are? Perhaps this practice of pause will be an opportunity to observe, accept, and completely own our true and unique stories.

Speaking of stories, I’m incredibly excited to bring you a brand new podcast interview next week with Miles Adcox, Owner and CEO of Onsite, an internationally known therapeutic and personal growth workshop among so many other amazing things.

I’m especially grateful for him as Onsite has been a major conduit of personal healing, changing the trajectory of my life a decade ago this month. He is an incredibly effective and heart-led leader and I know you’ll be inspired by his insight, humility, and courage.

Get excited, friends!! 

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

Debunking 3 Emotional Myths (and getting your power back)

I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, enjoy them, and dominate them.
-Oscar Wilde

Extension

Have you ever been so attached to a specific emotion, it felt like an extension of you? A third arm or something? I definitely have. There was a time that I battled such crippling anxiety, I couldn’t separate me from my anxiety: we were one big tangled mess of fear. It was not a good look.

Debunk

Today, I’d like to debunk a few emotional myths, how they work, and where they come from. Based on the conversations I have in and outside of therapy, I’ve pretty much gathered that we are one anxiety ridden culture, constantly living in our heads and feeling powerless over the unknown. Unlocking these truths has been literally a life-saver for me, so much so, I desperately want to help others embrace their freedom and live in a much bigger way.

Myth #1: I am powerless over my emotions

I know it feels this way. Oh how I know this. However, this is absolutely NOT true. You are in complete control of what emotions you feel based on the thoughts that permeate your brain. Despite feeling chaotic, our emotions are pretty formulaic. Here’s the breakdown:

1. You experience something that activates you
2. You make up a story in your head about what just happened
3. You feel a resulting emotion that supports the story you just made up.

It’s so unsexy and simple, just like unveiling that sad, tiny man behind the Wizard of Oz, right? If you look at that breakdown, you’ll notice the one piece that is clutch and absolutely within our control is this second layer: the story we make up in our heads.

If someone cuts me off in traffic, abruptly launching in front of me to take an exit and almost causing a head-on collision, I’m typically pretty pissed to say the least. Why? Because I’ve made up a story that they are selfish, impulsive, and have little regard for the human race let alone me.

Now shift that story: they just found out their eight-year-old son was life-flighted to Vanderbilt due to a horrible accident. Everything changes including my emotional response. If that was my story, I’d feel so much compassion and empathy, I’d pull over letting him pass and offer up a prayer. Anger wouldn’t be a remote option. We need a compelling, life-giving narrative. This is why I love Narrative Therapy so much!

Myth #2: People cause me to feel a certain way

Wrong. This one’s a biggie perhaps because the victim card is way more fun to play than is taking personal responsibility! No one can make you feel a certain way and this is such good news. Again, our narrative is everything. Sure people can try to make you feel a certain way and that’s fine. But because we can’t control the actions of others (sigh), we must shift the focus back to us, that which we have total control over.

This is where personal boundaries come in: knowing what’s okay and what’s not okay. Keep that radar intact as you move through interactions with people that constantly result in negative emotions. You may need to tweak those boundaries and graduate from an open door policy to a fence with a lock. You’ve got the key.

Myth #3: Emotions are tied to our circumstances

Lastly, but most definitely not least: we don’t have to wait until (X, Y, and Z) to be happy. If you need a reminder of this, go watch Roberto Benigni’s Oscar winning, Life is Beautiful. It’s an inspired and stunning film about joy amidst bleak odds. It will move you to tears and inspire you to hope, no matter what. Emotions are the result of the constant inner dialog playing over and over. If we want to experience more peace and joy, the choice and opportunity is all ours as we focus on thoughts that promote these emotions. This is the great money shot because now we’ve won this often daunting and exhausting battle with our emotions. We get to choose.

And now the fun begins, or continues based on where you are in your process. What are the emotional patterns you observe in your day to day? Are you happy with them or do you feel totally stuck and powerless? Slow down enough to identify the stories you’re making up in your head. Write them down. Do they need to shift? Well, my friend, the honor is all ours. Let’s go to town with this.

Love & Gratitude, Katie
xoxo

Almost Famous: Searching for a Spotlight

The reason so many of us are obsessed with being stars is because we are not yet starring in our own lives.  The cosmic spotlight isn’t pointed at you, it radiates from within you.
Marianne Williamson

Trompeur

If there is one thing I’m well acquainted with, it’s this search for significance, a spotlight of sorts.  How can I  show up authentically, adding value and beauty to the world around me? Well, as it were, I’m dreadfully stubborn, traipsing around for years down seeming detours of tangled roads leading to what I thought were final destinations. Interestingly, I’ve learned more from my detours than my successes.

Premier Cru

As a result, I’m still building out that journey, and plan too for the long haul.   I hope we continually evolve and grow in character and depth over time, just like an exceptional vintage of wine. Here’s the thing though, oftentimes we exhaust this search and desperately cling to false forms of stardom, significance, what have you. We try to shine in someone else’s spotlight and fit into their box, therefore abandoning the unique capacities and creativity dormant within.

Leading Lady

Remember the movie The Holiday? I realize it’s a bit late for Christmas amusement, however, there is a scene in this movie that is worth noting all year long. Here’s the set up: Iris, played by Kate Winslet, is having dinner with Arthur Abbott, an older gentleman who’s a successful, retired Hollywood film director. They meet by chance while she’s in LA on holiday over Christmas in hopes of escaping the pain of a recent heartache back home in England. After Arthur expresses total perplexity as to why the gorgeous Brit is spending her holiday alone in a different country, he digs deeper. She eventually breaks down in tears as Arthur gently sizes up the situation with his spot on insight. Arthur observes:

“This is not a hard one to figure out. Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend.”

Aha!

It was one of those “aha” moments for Iris, and for me the first time I watched it. After a sip of beer and a sigh of relief she jokes about her incompetent therapist of three years withholding this core insight from her. In order to recuse myself from any such accusation (and because I wish my therapist would’ve asked me the same thing ten plus years ago!), I’ll ask you a similar question today:

Are you starring as the lead in your own life? Or are you the best friend, constantly apologizing for your actions and taking cues from everyone else around you?

Let it Go

When we attempt to re-invent our wheel and jump on someone else’s bandwagon, we detach  from ourselves, ignoring what’s burning beneath the surface.  Grappling with this stuff isn’t the worst thing either.  In fact, for years I battled crippling anxiety and self doubt, feeling obligated to pursue music as a career as I have a natural bent towards it and opportunities presented.  Sure, I loved the idea and it felt really satisfying to walk down that brightly lit, hopeful path. Still, it fell short–something was missing.  Music is a passion, but it never stole my heart.  When I woke up to the fact that I’m more than enough without a music career, it strangely gave me permission to fall more in love with it.  Funny how that works.  I’m certain music will always inform my journey.  Just because we’re good at something doesn’t mean we’re locked into it’s pursuit.

Inventory

In light of all this, I’ve got a little assignment for you.   At the very least it’s food for thought or good dinner conversation..or both.  This stuff is critical as we build out the bones of a new year.

Get Lost

• I want you to become laser aware of the things you effortlessly enjoy doing.  What are the problems you get lost in solving? This can look like drafting an email, planning a party, listening to a friend share a difficult experience, telling a story, picking out paint colors, practicing piano, writing a thank-you note, and so on. Nothing is too small or insignificant.  What do you love about doing it? How does it make you feel?
• What compliments do you receive often? Don’t be shy. (i.e. You’re great with people, you make a memorable first impression, you’re a gifted flower arranger, you’re hilarious!)
• Finally, I want you to ask a trusted friend this question:
  When do you observe me at my most engaged, alive, and contented self? What am I doing and what do you notice about me?
• Write it all down.  We’ll come back to it.

Proof

We don’t realize how we lead in certain areas. It takes loving mirrors such as trusted friends, colleagues, coaches, and family members to reflect back on what they see. I’ll never forget my 8th grade cheerleading coach (laugh it up) giving me invaluable insight into what she saw in me back then. One day she took me aside in her thoughtful and present way and told me I was natural encourager and observer. As an insecure, awkward 12 year-old in need of validation, I tucked her words away like a tiny family heirloom in my coat pocket. I’ve treasured and trusted them ever since. So many years later, much of my work is built around those two attributes. This stuff works.

Casting Call

So let’s cast you in the lead role of your life. It’s not selfish, or petty, or a waste of time. Quite the contrary! The minute we step into our unique calling, or “spotlight”, a sense of relief wells up. An internal security and calm pervades and I can stop hustling to compete, compare, and look for outward solutions that internally shine and have been there all along. We love more fully from this place of knowing.  So, dive in!  It gets really fun when we start writing the script. 

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

xoxo

A New Day: Respond vs. React

Mindfulness gives you time.  Time gives you choices.  Choices, skillfully made, lead to freedom.  You don’t have to be swept away by your feeling.  You can respond with wisdom and kindness rather than habit and reactivity.

– Henepola Gunaratana

Happy New Year!  We made it.  Whereas it feels really good to mark a new year with a clean slate and endless possibilities (so I keep being reminded of through Instagram feeds and my inbox) I must say, I’ve gotten a slow start to 2017 accompanied by a slew of contradictory emotions: relief, excitement, lethargy, longing, confusion, and tons of heightened expectations.  What about you?

How to’s

There are a zillion blogs out there.  I read a handful of them and I write merely one of them.  What I hope you will find different or inviting about mine is a certain level of transparency and vulnerability. I like stories as opposed to “how to’s.” It makes me cringe when I think of following zippy blog trends entitled: “three foolproof resolutions for your best year”, and “how to attract your soul mate in less than a month”, or my favorite siren, “Your extreme makeover starts here!”

King

I’m not digging on the dedicated and brilliant bloggers out there who offer hope to thousands through this approach, Lord knows I’ve been wowed often. However, with each passing year, as I show up for myself and my community, I’m learning something invaluable: extreme quick fixes are often just detours. Connection is king.

Carbs

In light of this, the “slow start” to 2017 I mentioned earliermay not be so bad after all.  In fact, perhaps grace, self-compassion, and connection are bleeding through the imperfect, jagged little edges of these young days .  Writing’s slowed down, work outs lightly sprinkled in, family laughter and Netflix watching heavy, carb and sugar consumption strong, and goals/intentions for 2017, still a bit foggy.  Strangely though, a newfound waft of acceptance and presence rises up through the air like the inviting smell of freshly baked bread.

Hustle

You see, I love extremes, or have loved I should say.  As a youngster, I was super particular, giving my sweet, saint of a mother hell if my pony tail wasn’t perfect.  It had to be just so.  Sensitive beyond words, I carried the unbearable weight of desperately wanting to be liked and accepted by peers and teachers at every turn.  I was hard on myself.  I didn’t much like myself either, learning to hustle big time to gain entry into the rooms I longed to set foot in.  One of the byproducts of this premature shame was a pretty hard-core eating disorder in high school.  What started off wanting to feel better about myself through running and healthy eating turned into a voracious and life-threatening battle with anorexia.

Whoosh

This is not a sketch of that journey; a different story for a different day, and a hopeful one at that.  This is encouragement for the weary soul or two out there who don’t want to buy into a billion dollar industry that tells us we need to change and we need to change FAST.  I’ve got nothing against new year’s resolutions and change for that matter, that is, if they serve you well.  In my experience, they always end like a hot and heavy, short-lived relationship.  I like to call them “whoosh” relationships: they promise the sun, moon, and stars, and then Bam! Like a cotton candy sugar rush they crash and burn when the lights go up and the curtain closes.  It’s like the jerk of whip-lash, the “whoosh” of a cold whip of wind.  I spent my 20’s learning all about that situation—not a good look.

Reaction Formation

Interestingly enough, I think humans find extremes far easier than balance.  We like to react out of fear instead of respond out of desire.  Marketing exploits this behavior big time, and anyway you slice it, they’re clever.  They know that people go off the rails a bit over the holidays and wake up January 1 with a foggy head and a few extra pounds.  Swooping in, they save the day with their slashed gym membership prices and 30-day cleanse program promising a new you in just one month.

We’ve been hooked.  When those dollars are spent and the motivation trails off the next afternoon, we go looking for another option, or some leftover toffee, whichever comes quicker.  The shame cycle’s begun again.  Perhaps I’m cynical, or perhaps I’ve had LOTS of practice reacting out of fear and manipulation rather that choosing what will truly satisfy from a place of mindfulness and connection.

Logo

If you jump on my website, you’ll see a logo and the story behind it on the home page.  My approach to therapy and coaching is built on relationship as I believe when we begin to soften and mend our inner dialog, healing our relationship with self, external pieces of life follow suit and eventually thrive as well.  It’s not magic, it’s a journey and one I’m very much still on.

Four Questions

Today, I want to invite you into deeper connection with you by asking four questions that will lay some groundwork for the edits and goals you may have this year.  These are adapted from one of my favorite podcasts “The Accidental Creative”—so good I had to share!  Being mindful of desires, feelings, and curiosities will take us much further than stringent rules and regimens we place on ourselves.  Without the “why” the “how” is obsolete.

Let this be a journal prompt for you this week, one you come back to over and over either to realign with or tweak.

• What do you want to feel in 2017? (i.e. energized, awake, confident, accepted)
• Where do you want to go in 2017? (This can be figurative or literal. i.e. I want to explore a new city, yoga class, or I want to go from full-time to part-time at work so I can spend more time writing)
• What do you want to learn in 2017? (i.e. I want to learn to play drums or I want to learn to meditate)
• What do you want to change in 2017? (Reminder: this is desire driven, NOT fear driven!  Approach this from a place of “I’m enough” rather than insecurity.  i.e. I’d like to build in more margin for rest and play into my life.)

Please please share your feedback from this exercise! When we give voice to this stuff, it solidifies a bit more.  I hope you will join me as I ease into 2017, listening, noticing, and responding to it’s inviting call to action.  If you’d like some extra light for the journey ahead, don’t hesitate to reach out.

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

xoxo

Holiday Grounding 4.0: Love is Near

Breathe, O breathe Thy loving Spirit, Into every troubled breast!
Let us all in Thee inherit; Let us find that promised rest.
-Charles Wesley, Love Divine.

Anticipation

We’re closing in on Christmas. Whether you celebrate the holidays or not, I imagine you will agree with me here: anticipation is in the air. This anticipation is not just for the gifts and festivities of the season’s climax; this anticipation is for a new year, a fresh start. 2016 has been quite an interesting one to say the least. Whatever your experience is, I want to applaud you for showing up and staying courageous and committed to the process.  It’s that feeling of finishing a long  book (preferably a hard copy), placing it ever so gingerly on the book shelf next to the host of other old companions you’ve learned from, and then standing back with a deep sigh of prideful relief as you admire your handiwork.

Homestretch

I feel the same surge of prideful relief as I round the corner and lock into that last stretch of a year lived fully. It’s almost like adrenaline kicks in and my feet seem to carry themselves over the finish line: the hard work’s been done and now what’s left is Christmas shopping. (Nope, still haven’t finished.)

We’ve been on a journey of Holiday Grounding this month. I know I’ve needed it, just like I need lots of reminders. With that said, I want to quickly point out those high level road posts—where we’ve been and where we’re going.  More importantly, I’d then like to talk about movies and the Beatles.  Here goes…

Comparison sucks

Comparison steals not only joy, but opportunity, creativity, and focus. “Winners focus on winning, losers focus on winners.” Remember that quote? I don’t know who said it, but they nailed it. The next time you find yourself comparing yourself to someone else this week, get grounded in gratitude. Pull out the old gratitude journal and immediately jot down a couple things you are thankful for. Game changer. Let go of that scarcity mindset and lean into this phrase: “I am more than enough, right this minute.”

Advent creates space

Advent is traditionally recognized as a religious observance, but I believe it’s a pathway of hope and anticipation for anyone who longs to create space for new, powerful gifts and opportunities. What are those unique dreams and desires you long to see become reality in 2017? Create space today for them by letting go of old stuffy attachments that no longer serve you then write down a better fit for the season you’re in. Give it a word, one word, and cling to it; let it feed your soul.

Generosity releases fear

It’s true. As we give out of our need, we align with the truth of something bigger and more powerful than fear: love. I’m not saying we ditch our boundaries and overlook needs; far from it. I’m saying acknowledge the feeling attached to whatever it is you need, risk uncertainty, and knowing that God is good and the universe is working in our favor, create that feeling in your life by paying it forward for someone around you in need. I’ve come to believe human frailty and suffering is one of the most elemental, binding forces.  Generosity opens up so much connection.

All you need is Love? Really?

I love the movie Love Actually. It’s my favorite modern Christmas classic. I love it for so many reasons, namely the dry British humor (I’m a frustrated Anglophile at heart), rockstar cast (Hugh Grant, Emma Thompson, and Collin Firth, anyone?), and the collection of messy, real life stories all strewn together throughout the film. It’s a little raunchy, a little sad, quite comical, and very clumsy all at once. I watched this the other night with my sister, Lauren over a trough full of Pad Thai for probably the 27th time. It never gets old.

Lennon & McCartney

Why is this? Beyond obvious reasons aforementioned, my hunch is it tells a story of Love, perfectly imperfect, just like you and me. In the recesses of each storyline, we see a common thread, a choice, albeit rickety and awkward at times, to open up to a love that feels uncertain, risky.  I think Lennon and McCartney had it all wrong. Sure, All you Need is Love is a masterful, catchy tune…one of my favorites, however, if love is indeed all around us, and we choose not to see it, embrace it, and lean into it, we might as well just Let it be and take that Long and Winding Road back home— we’re going Nowhere Man. (See what I did there?)

Get Still

We’ve been on a journey this year and it’s all coming to a head in the next several days. One of my most valuable gifts of 2016 has been sharing a bit more of that journey with you through this blog. I swear most weeks I’m writing because I need to hear every word of what I’m saying. Taking our own advice is often the hardest thing to do.

Choose

Today, as you wrap up any preparations, cooking, and shopping, please join me as I get still and choose Love. Love is right where we are, deep inside our hearts, and no one can take that away. It might get messy and it might get lonely- that’s okay. The choice is still ours to make.
We have amazing things ahead on this journey.  For now, I pray the season’s beauty overtakes you: the lights, the laughter, the complexity, all of it. I pray you will find peace in the fact that you’re not alone, ever. Lean into love, friend, it’s there, waiting for you, and it will not disappoint.  Have a very Merry Christmas!

Love & Gratitude,

katie

xoxo