Busting 3 Myths About Boundaries

If you’ve ever done therapy, you’ve probably learned a bit of the lingo. Words like self-care, codependent, empathy, projection, and boundaries to name a few, are all helpful as we excavate the depths of our inner worlds.  

There’s also quite a bit of misunderstanding surrounding “therapy talk,” if you will—especially boundaries.  So, I thought we should dig in a bit and gain clarity around the basics of boundaries and the three myths we get duped into believing about them.   

If you’re a recovering people-pleaser like me, you’re well aware of how important boundary-setting is as well as integrating that scary little, “no” cringe-word into your regular vocabulary.  If I made the hair on your neck stand up just now, I’m so glad you’re here.  Read on.

As I’ve worked as a therapist in private practice for over a decade now, I’ve collaborated with countless courageous people longing to feel less resentful and more joyful in their lives.  I’ve found that at the heart of this noble pursuit lies the invitation to set better boundaries.  

Dr. Henry Cloud, author of the seminal book, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life, describes boundaries:

“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom. Taking responsibility for my life opens up many different options. Boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out. Setting boundaries inevitably involves taking responsibility for your choices.”

Brené Brown says it simply this way, “boundaries tell us what’s okay and what’s not okay.”  They also help us teach people how to treat us.  

If you’ve struggled with boundary-setting, you may be buying into a few myths surrounding them.  Let’s unpack three of them:

1. Boundaries are selfish.  I get it, if you grew up trying hard to please the important people in your life, boundaries may feel a bit self-centered.  However, setting boundaries allows us to be truthful and generous at the same time.  They actually allow us to give to others over time from a place of grounding and integrity.  If you live and give without a margin of time, energy, and resources, you’ll eventually burn out and become resentful. 

2. Boundaries will ruin my close relationships.  Wrong again.  Boundaries actually preserve the healthy relationships that matter most to you and weed out the ones that are toxic.  How?  As Dr. Cloud said, boundaries define us.  They allow for us to show up more authentically in relationships by taking ownership of our choices and our identities.  When we let our “no” be as good as our “yes,” we give others the opportunity to practice their own boundary-setting as well as deal with whatever comes up for them in their process around being told no.  People-pleasing is really just dishonesty with lipstick on.  Life-giving relationships must be built on truth and trust.  

3. Boundaries are meant for the other person.  This is a subtle misunderstanding.  We often think we are setting boundaries for the other person in a relationship, however, it’s just the opposite.  Boundaries aren’t a punishment for the other person. We set boundaries to protect ourselves and they should be set with our own needs at the helm.  Boundaries are meant to protect our time, energy, emotions, joy, and overall health.  They help create structure from which to live—a scaffolding of sorts.  Think about a dog without a fence.  They simply aren’t as happy as when they have the safety and structure of boundaries and the provisions that come along with them to enjoy.  You and I have more in common with dogs than you might have known. ;)

So, the question to ponder this week is perhaps: what boundaries do I need to have in place to protect my joy and freedom?  

P.S. Want to dive deeper into self-care and the enneagram?  Join the Practice today!

Self-Care for Your Enneagram Type

In order to truly care for ourselves, we must understand what we’re about, and what we need.  The Enneagram can help us do just that. It can help you unpack the story you’ve been living out of for a long time and begin to discern whether or not it’s even true.

As I mentioned earlier, most of us are at the mercy of an old narrative that’s played over and over unconsciously for a long time.  The first step in any  self-care plan is simple: to wake up to what’s not working.

Because many of us spend more time and energy taking care of other people and what  they need, this wake up call is often forced.  Our health starts to suffer, our relationships fail, we experience depression and anxiety—or great loss.  

Oftentimes, a crisis happens to wake us up to the reality that we are failing the most important relationship we have: the one with ourselves.  

So, today, I want to give you a little self-care nudge, and tailor it to your dominant type.  

Type 1’s: We all know you are master improvers.  Yet this superpower can often get in the way when it’s your total sum of attention.  Soften this tendency as you practice acceptance as opposed to fixing or resisting. Practice noticing what is right in the moment.

Type 2’s: Spending time alone to develop independent interests and greater autonomy is incredibly life-giving for type 2’s.  This allows time for deepening your understanding of what you are passionate about, desire, and ultimately need apart from being needed and helpful to others.  

Type 3’s:  At the hub of the self-care wheel for type 3’s is simply this…SLOW DOWN.  When you move at light speed and get so fixated on the path to success, you miss out on tons of life happening around you that can add to your overall quality of life and the creativity you are made to bring forth. 

Type 4’s: One of the most important postures of self-care we can practice as fours is to separate our self-worth from the propensity to show up as special or extraordinary.  When we fixate and strive in this direction, we miss out on the rest of what life wants to offer us.  The most special and extraordinary gift we can give to the world is our authentic, essential self who is at rest with ourselves.

Type 5’s: A helpful awareness is to recognize how you detach from emotions and resort to the thinking mind.  Staying present with feelings  when they arise just two minutes longer each time brings balance for type 5’s.

Type 6’s: When you go to the worst-case-scenario, balance that out in your thoughts by also giving the best-case-scenario equal air time.  This challenges the habit of constantly expecting the other shoe to drop by flirting with the idea that it might actually go really well.

Type 7’s: Becoming grounded in the present is everything for type 7’s.  Because your attention is constantly going up and out, noticing when you do this is major.  As type 7’s have an uncanny curiosity, wielding this superpower to explore the present moment is powerful.  

Type 8’s: Journal around your perceived difference between weakness and vulnerability, unpacking your own timeline of having to be strong and in control for protection. 

Type 9’s: As type 9’s natural tendency is to fall asleep to their desires, needs, and the action involved to get these met, it becomes necessary for you to then find a way to cultivate structure and practices that support the achievement of your goals. 

P.S. Want to dive deeper into self-care and the enneagram?  Join the Practice today!

Self-Care Gets a Rebrand

One of the first questions I like to ask clients I work with takes some by surprise.  Yet, it helps me steer our entire therapeutic journey.  It’s simple…and very complex.  

Tell me about your relationship with you?

Typically, after a long stare back at me like I have eight heads, they  respond:  

“Um…good question.  I don’t think about it much.”

Exactly.  How we relate to ourselves doesn’t typically stay top of mind.  Others, more likely.

Yet how I relate to myself—how I treat, take care of, and talk to myself directly impacts everything else in life.  Everything.

Why? Because I can’t live and give out of an empty vessel.  

Two years ago, I hosted a Self-Care Workshop alongside two dear friends.  (It’s coming back next month!) It was powerful because we realized how desperate our souls, especially as women, are for deep, true self-care.  

I’m not talking mani-pedis and facials and wine nights with the girls.  Those are all fabulous and can be nurturing, but let’s call a spade a spade.  Those are forms of pampering…and pampering is a good thing!  Yet we’ve sold self-care short if we deem them expensive beauty treatments and indulgences, especially right now.  We approach it as a luxury—the stuff that ensues out of an abundance of time, energy, and resources.

And yet I firmly believe the fewer of those three resources we have, the more important it is to fight for self-care.

Actually, I’d like to rebrand self-care as self-compassion because I feel self-compassion looks more like true, life-giving self-care than spa treatments do.  

So what is self-compassion?   

Self-compassion is the practice of befriending ourselves.  It’s learning to think of, talk to, and treat ourselves with kindness and compassion like we would a friend we deeply care about.  

Yet self-compassion also takes notice of some important things.    

1. It recognizes our hurt and suffering.

2. It moves towards this pain with a kind and open heart instead of trying to fix it, shame it, or numb it.  

3. It is built on the foundation that the human condition is fragile and this frailty is the connective tissue that binds us all together.  

Guess what?  Whereas “self-care” in a traditional, indulgent context has been tough for most of us this past year, self-compassion is available and necessary at every turn. (Oh, and free!)

History has presented us these last two years with the perfect space and time to practice true self-care or self-compassion.

We’ve got an incredible opportunity right now to prioritize mental health and in doing so, dig deep, love ourselves, and love our people well.  I love supporting you in this process.  

Welcome to the Drawing Board

Happy New Year!

We did it.  We crossed over the threshold of 2022, showing up for ourselves all along the way.  The year of 2021 was challenging for me largely due to my battle with breast cancer, so launching into a brand new year feels especially poignant.  

There’s such a temptation to bite off more than we can commit to when considering New Year’s resolutions.  Like I’ve said before, I’m convinced humans choose extremes over balance more days than not. We go all in, sink or swim, only to wake up a week later in too deep and gasping for air.  

So let’s ease into  it.  Let’s listen to the gentle rhythms of our desires, our longings, our needs.  Let’s partner with ourselves from a place of self-compassion, like we would a loved one we believe in and want to support.  Let’s speak to ourselves with kindness and curiosity, turning down that harsh inner critic that keeps us small and hustling for worthiness.  Let’s breathe more—slower and deeper than usual.  I’m convinced we could all use a return to breath and the body as a way of being present.

Let’s start there.  And from that place of stillness and silence, we begin to etch out the tiny, two-degree shifts of growth and expansion that over time, create big breakthroughs.  It’s often helpful to partner with a professional in order to gain greater support and accountability.  If you’re looking to use the Enneagram as a part of your 2022 self-development, I’d love to help make that happen.  You’re the expert at you and I’ve got a detailed roadmap to get you from where you feel stuck to where you long to be.  

No matter what you want to create in your life this year, I hope you’ll continue to journey with me.  I’ve got some exciting stuff coming your way that I can’t wait to share.  

In the meantime, do a little dreaming…a little playing.  It’s time to let your true self take the wheel.  She’s ready!  

Cheers! It's your time

One of my favorite pockets of time throughout the entire year is the week between Christmas and New Years.  I try my damndest to carve out some “deep work” time as I call it—time to clear the space, reconnect to presence after all the going and indulging, and map out a vision for the coming year.  My inner dreamer gets to dance around and color outside the lines a bit.  If I’m lucky, I try to take a whole morning or afternoon to do so.

 This year has been a no-go.  It just isn’t happening—and that’s okay.  I’m learning to give myself more grace and soften into life’s messy edges. 

 However, in the spirit of community, I’d like to do this deep work—this dreaming if you will—together and ease into the new year.  

If you’ve been on this self-discovery journey with me for a while, you may know I’m a huge fan of rituals rather than resolutions.  If you’re new to my blog and this glorious work of deepening self-awareness and transformation, welcome.  You are right on time and I can’t wait to connect with you.  

Here’s why I have a thing for ritual.  I’m convinced, over time, practicing good habits creates this soft light in our lives that draws out potential, undergirds desire, and creates balance where there is imbalance.  They are also built on loving connection with self as opposed to fear-based tactics. 

 Interestingly, I think humans find extremes far easier than balance.  We like to react out of fear instead of responding out of desire.  Marketing moguls exploit this behavior big time, and anyway you slice it, they’re clever.  They know we go off the rails a bit over the holidays and tend to wake up today with a foggy head and a few extra pounds.  Swooping in, they save the day with their slashed gym membership prices and programs promising a new you in just one month.

Listen, if you’ve just given Gwyneth Paltrow a run for her money and spent all of yours on the hottest new cleanse, that’s okay too.  I get it.  Been there and have all the tee shirts and half-used supplement boxes to prove it.  

 Yet with each passing year, as I show up for myself and my community, I’m learning something invaluable: what we really want is to create a feeling, not just a desired outcome.  As a result, this is why we’re rarely satisfied with any level of success or accomplishment—the feeling fades.  We want more.  

 Today, let’s lay some groundwork for the edits, habits, and goals you’d like to see crystallize in 2022. Here are four crucial questions to help you do so.

I hope you’ll join me and carve out some well-deserved time to journal about the picture you’d like to build in 2022.  Come back to it over and over again.  Realign with its truth or tweak it if your course requires a deviation. 

Here we go:

• What do you want to feel more of in 2022? (i.e. energized, awake, confident, accepted)

• Where do you want to go in 2022? (This can be figurative or literal. i.e. I want to explore a new city, yoga class, or I want to go from full-time to part-time at work so I can spend more time writing)

• What do you want to learn in 2022? (i.e. I want to learn to play drums or I want to learn to meditate)

• What do you want to change in 2022? (Reminder: this is desire-driven, NOT fear-driven!  Approach this from a place of worthiness rather than insecurity.  i.e. I’d like to build in more margin for rest and play into my life.)

 I can’t wait to hear your feedback from this exercise. When we give voice and ink to our desires, we take them from whim to intention.  Let’s ease into the new year, listening, noticing, and responding to its inviting call to action.  If you’d like some extra light for the journey ahead,  I’m your girl.

I can’t wait to see all that 2022 has in store for you.

Cheers, indeed! It’s your time.