Five Mistakes to Avoid with the Enneagram

Do you have a funny taste left in your mouth with regards to the Enneagram?  I’m not going to lie, with its rise in popularity and the obsession with it in Instagram culture, I fear it’s become something of a caricature of itself.  If I see one more meme about type, I may just boycott it altogether.

Ah, but that’s not the response of a self-aware, evolved, and gracious person living in wholeness is it? No, it’s not…

The Enneagram teaches us to grow beyond reaction and choose from a place of responsiveness—and power.  

I do, however, want to point out 5 mistakes to avoid when using this tool for life and relationships.  So here goes:

1. Don’t type other people.  This is a biggie.  The Enneagram isn’t just about the optics of our personality.  It’s about the story, or motivations and beliefs that fuel our patterns of thought, emotion, and behavior.  So unless you are familiar with the deeper aspects of  someone’s core belief system and narrative, avoid typing them.
   

2. Don’t indulge your type.  In other words, don’t use your type as an excuse for bad behavior (i.e.” I’m going to let her have it when I see her.  She’ll never want to cross me again.  I’m an 8 after all!”).  We identify type in order to better understand ourselves and grow beyond our personality tactics.  
   

3. Don’t stereotype others based on type.  Again, this is such a rookie move.  To judge someone and make assumptions based on their type is a big no-no.  Just as there are about 100 unique shades of white, not all persons in a type show up the same.  Especially when you factor in subtypes, you can actually have two people who are the same type look nothing alike. 
   

4. Don’t force it on others.  Even though the Enneagram is a powerful, transformational tool, not everyone is willing or interested to subscribe to it.  The worst thing we can do as Enneagram advocates is to force it on others, no matter how much it has helped us.  We must learn to trust others’ process.
   

5. Don’t stay on the surface.  Even though it’s incredible fodder for coffee shop or cocktail party conversation, the Enneagram is meant to be applied to our daily lives, not just talked about.  Knowledge without application is, well, just knowledge.  

Love & Gratitude,

Katie 

P.S. If you’re in the market for a way to learn and apply the Enneagram, you’re in the right place.   Check out my brand new Self-Care & Enneagram subscription program called the Practice!

I Wish I Would Have Known This at 25

What piece of advice would you give your 25 year-old self? Sure, she may not have listened, but like any loving parent, you do what you can to steer your children in the right direction.  That head-strong seeker was only doing her best.  And yet today, you have matured into the space of a bit more perspective and balance.  You have a lot to offer your younger, stubborn self.  

Me?  I would have a spirited come-to-Jesus about how to relax into the unknown one brave and wobbly step at a time.  I’d tell her that having all the answers isn’t half as important as asking honest questions.  

Specifically, I’d love for her to understand what it means to have a growth mindset as opposed to a fixed one.  Less either-or and more both-and.  

As a recovering perfectionist, I’ve been all too familiar with what it means to have a fixed mindset.  Let me explain.  A fixed mindset is a way of thinking that is rigid and narrow.  It’s all about pass or fail, win or lose, good or bad, black and white.  It’s rooted in judgment rather than curiosity.  It’s refusing to take myself on a brisk 20-minute walk because I didn’t have enough time to do my hour-plus high-intensity workout.  

Here’s another example, you have your 6-month review at work.  Your boss gives you high marks in several areas but points out one specific necessary improvement in your performance on a big project.  A fixed mindset self-criticizes, labeling your performance as a failure.  A fixed mindset disregards the praise and zeros in on the area of improvement.   

A growth mindset celebrates positive feedback and understands the value of constructive criticism for future success.  A growth mindset sees life as a  slew of peaks and valleys all leading to personal evolution and expansion.  

A growth mindset is the petri dish that breeds resilience.  A fixed approach creates rigidity, closing us off from abundance and opportunity.   

This isn’t about glossing over reality.   It’s about softening your approach to  the inevitable ebbs and flow of life.  

Spend some time this week pondering this:

What area of your life could you stand to soften into?   Is it your relationship with food, your body, parenting, or work?  Is it your self-care?  Whatever it may be, I believe a great way to find out is to pay attention to our self-talk, that often nagging inner critic that rages on, involuntarily.   

Write it all down. 

I love what Tara Mohr says, “Where we think we need more self-discipline,  we usually need more self-love.”  

How to Beat the Winter Blues

Sure, the Fall is magical.  And it’s still one of my favorite seasons, all pumpkin spice jokes aside.  Yet, the older I get, the more I realize my need for light.  Copious amounts of delicious, warm, sunlight.  

I know it’s only October, and the days will continue to get shorter.   So I thought we could get ahead of this whole seasonal depression phenomenon by amping up the appropriate self-care.  

If we wait until January, chances are I’ll be bowing down to those cold grey stretches that make me want to hole up, listen to Bon Iver circa 2008, drink excessive amounts of coffee, and write for hours in my journal.

Bottom line:  The weather directly affects how we feel physically and emotionally and can wreak havoc on our overall experience in fall and winter months.  

I used to experience heightened levels of anxiety and depression every year when clocks fell back and the sun quit her day job at 4:30pm.  My motivation went on strike, healthy habits skipped town, and the feeling of loneliness was pervasive.  

Finally, I got desperate enough and took matters into my own hands.  I began advocating for my mental health because I knew no one else would.  Through personal research, therapy, and challenging my normal behavior each year, I landed on some powerful tools that supported a more hopeful experience when the winter blues started creeping in.  

For starters, Seasonal depression is slang for Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD…aptly).  It’s not simply “depression light.”  It’s a subtype or specific kind of major depression that is symptomatic with the changing seasons, especially fall and winter months.  

There are obvious and not so obvious reasons for SAD.  The ones we all agree on are simple though: with less exposure to sunlight during the fall and winter months, our biological clock can often get pummeled, leaving depleted levels of serotonin, a brain chemical that helps govern and boost our mood, and melatonin, that gorgeous stuff of sleep.

If you experience a noticeable shift in mood, physical activity, patience for people, energy level, sleep, and desire to participate...keep reading.  Likewise, If you are a human being with a heartbeat...keep reading. I have a hunch someone in your life needs your grace and support because they suffer from SAD.

Here are 4 helpful tips I swear by:  

1) Routine

Structure is the sensitive soul’s best friend.  For me, this means intentionally planning out my days from week to week.  In fall and winter months, it’s starting a bit earlier so I can enjoy more sunlight, even just 30 minutes.  

When emotions whip us around, assuming their throne in the driver seat of life, it can be so easy to slip into a victim mentality, feeling powerless.  Having a set structure, or routine for our days helps us reclaim the steering wheel.   

My morning ritual is everything to me.  It allows me time and space to practice the things that ground me like meditation, writing, and reading.  In the coming days and months, experiment by putting some new structures into place to facilitate a more ordered interior landscape.

2) Move

Daily exercise has officially become my antidepressant of choice.  Hear me out, antidepressants can be a very helpful piece of the emotional puzzle when necessary. They definitely have for me along the way.  However, exercise is one of the most effective and proven ways to improve overall mood and stress levels. Getting a good sweat also helps us sleep more soundly.  

It’s tempting to let workouts trail off, but I say we fight for them.  Make it a daily routine if possible, like brushing your teeth. This isn’t about rigidity, it’s about shifting our norms to facilitate more energy and vitality.  Plus, there are tons of streaming workouts online when we simply don’t want to leave the house.  My personal favorite is Tracy Anderson’s Online Studio, a subscription-based method, and Yoga With Adriene, which is a free YouTube channel.

3) Avoid Numbing

I get it.  When depression sneaks in, we often lose a desire for the things we typically love to do.  We want to isolate, sleep, eat, drink, numb.  It’s so much easier, right?  

Numbing out may offer temporary relief for our pain, however, we forget that along with the negative feeling emotions, your numbing strategy of choice also dulls the positive ones as well.  Happiness, excitement, and gratitude are harder to come by and we get thrown right back into the tangled thicket of depression once again.

4) Support

Replace the numbing with support.  Identify “safe people” who know and accept you where you are.  Make a list of two or three and reach out to them to let them know you’re struggling. 

If you don’t have said 2-3 people, a good place to start is therapy.  While I’m a big believer in individual therapy, finding a group therapy opportunity may be even more effective.  I offer several options and would love to support you in this season.  There is absolutely no shame in seeking professional help.  It is a courageous act of self-compassion. 

Hang in there, friend.  We must try to show ourselves the kindness and compassion we would a dear friend when the going gets tough.  After all, Spring is simply the payoff for all the deep soul work done during fall and winter.  As Cheryl Strayed says, “The useless days will add up to something.  These things are your becoming.” 

The Fall Edit 2021

Fall is undoubtedly my favorite season. I feel a bit like Mr. Fitzgerald in that life seems to offer a second, and equally romantic, Spring, or new beginning when early October rolls around. Yet I’m also well acquainted with the struggles and temptations that come along with the changing seasons. The days get shorter, schedules mount up, self-care tends to wane, and I often feel a dank, subtle chill of loneliness sneak in. 

Have you struggled much with seasonal depression?

I have…big time. That said, I’ve learned the hard way how vital it is to intentionally manage expectations and routines in order to stay connected to daily hope and healing. In light of this, I like to send out a Fall Edition of sorts—full of new ideas and opportunities to stay on top of our self-care game as we head into the coming months. If you follow fashion, it’s a bit like that thick, fresh, September Vogue edition boasting fall’s most delicious offerings. Pure magic. 

This year, I’m more excited than ever to explore some new opportunities to connect to yourself and your community in life-giving ways. 

All too often we’re tempted into autopilot—that sleepy trance of contained chaos—and end up just going through the motions. I don’t know about you, but I want to feel alive and awake in my experience this fall, savoring each moment like a gift—or that inaugural pumpkin spice latte. 

Here are a few ideas to support you in this pursuit. I think you’ll find something you can enjoy despite the hectic demands of the season.

1. The Practice: You are the type of person who wants great things out of life!  The Practice is a self-development toolkit that combines practical ways to use the Enneagram, mindfulness, and yoga in your daily experience in order to truly thrive and create the optimal life and relationships you desire.  I created this self-care tool kit for clients who needed an extra nudge in their work outside of therapy.  The constant drone I’d hear in my work with clients is simple: I need tools!  So I developed the Practice to serve as a therapeutic tool kit combining meditation, writing, yoga, and of course, the Enneagram, to support you in your ongoing self-development work.  Sign up today!
   

2. Infrared Sauna: Need a detoxification boost?  I sure did when I found out I had breast cancer back in April.  I decided to do everything in my power in order to support the highest immunity possible.  I joined Pure Sweat Sauna Studio.  Pure Sweat Sauna Studio is a space for wellness, rooted in community and connection, offering state-of-the-art, full spectrum, infrared saunas.
   
   Acclaimed by the world’s leading health experts, elite athletes, and people just like you, Infrared Saunas deliver an abundance of clinically tested and research-based health and healing benefits, including detoxification, pain relief, weight loss, reduced inflammation and deep, mental + physical relaxation.
    

3. TN Neurofeedback: At Tennessee Neurofeedback, clients experience a four-step process designed to help them understand how their brain is functioning, how that is causing the symptoms they are facing, and how they can make progress towards a greater sense of well-being through brain training. We start with a brain map, which reads brainwave activity at 19 locations on the scalp and compares that data to hundreds of other maps to identify areas where the brain’s function is outside of a normal, healthy range. Clients then have a consult with their clinical director to learn about their map. The consult is designed to give clients a better sense of how their brain function is related to how they’re feeling, and shows patterns ranging from anxiety, depression, and trauma to sleep issues, concussions, and inflammation. The brain map then serves as the basis for neurofeedback treatment, which harnesses the brain’s innate ability to heal itself and moves the areas of dysregulation in the brain to a healthier level of function. As the brain changes, clients see a decrease in symptoms like anxiety, depression, trouble sleeping, behavioral issues, and trauma responses.
   

4. Self-Care Workshop: When it comes to self care, you need a plan.  This weekend workshop will help you create a self care plan that gets you where you want to be.  Join us FEBRUARY 26-27, 2022 in Nashville, TN. 
   
   Do you feel like you’re just ‘winging it’ when it comes to self care?  Honestly — I get it. It’s hard to know what to spend your time on and what will actually contribute to your personal growth. 
   
   But self care doesn’t have to be complicated. You don’t have to guess anymore. The Self Care Workshop will help you create a simple self-care plan you can use daily to create lasting, positive change in your life.  With a daily self-care routine you can practice on your own, you’ll gain clarity in your life and pave the path towards growth.
   
   It’s simpler (and cheaper!) than you think.  Deepen your self-awareness with the Enneagram and understand why you behave the way you do. Develop healthier relationships with yourself and others, reduce anxiety and improve your mood.
   
   Don’t leave your self care up to chance. Come learn how to nurture yourself in a way that creates positive change in your life.  Stay tuned for registration details coming soon!  You deserve this.
   

5. Radnor Lake: Much like Nashville’s very own Central Park, Radnor Lake is a picturesque pocket of nature with several serene trails to choose from if you’re looking for an excuse to get outside and behold the stunning leaves and light. It’s been something of a sanctuary for me throughout the 26 years I’ve lived in Nashville. The wildlife is happening as well! Don’t be surprised to encounter plenty of deer and turkeys on the trail. Exercise and nature are two highly grounding components in life. Radnor allows you to fully experience the benefits of both.
   

6. Closet Detox: Do you ever  feel overwhelmed or even embarrassed when you walk in your closet?  Shoes strewn everywhere, old clothes you forgot you had stuffed in drawers, moth balls collecting in your sweater collection?  I know I do.  And on the flip side, whenever you take the time to organize it, all of life feels that much clearer.  Well, my best friend and Feng Shui expert Lindsley Brooks has the perfect solution: A Closet Detox. This valuable service consists of:  
   
   —4 hour style assessment and “detoxing” of your closet with Lindsley
   —10 outfits styled out of your most key pieces
   —A curated shopping list of the must-have pieces that are missing from your closet
   
   Any Clothes that you will be releasing will be gathered and donated to Dress for Success or Donation of your choosing.  Connect with Lindsley and book a session today!
   

7. Holiday Meditation Challenge:” This Holiday season starting in November, I’m inviting you into an eight-week meditation challenge. You’ll receive a (free!) meditation each week with a specific grounding focus. For example, gratitude, self-compassion, presence, creativity, expectations, rest, etc. Meditation is an incredible way to deepen self-awareness, foster a sense of calm, as well as build out resilience in the midst of chaos. Plus, there will be a fun surprise give-a-way at the end of the year you WON’T want to miss!! Stay tuned for more on this. 

That’s a wrap! I can’t wait to hear how you’re taking care of you this fall…and maybe I’ll even see you soon at Radnor, my Nashville Happy Place!  

How to Find the Right Therapist

Today, we’re getting real practical.  Let’s be honest: therapy feels a bit odd, awkward, and downright uncomfortable in the first place. How in the world does one go about finding a therapist who will not only make the first wobbly steps somewhat bearable, but also turn out to be someone we actually like?  And yes, contrary to popular belief, you’re going to need to like your therapist in order to trust them, let alone experience growth and healing.  

I had this conversation with my therapist a few weeks back.  Whereas I don’t believe we’re always supposed to be “in therapy,” I’ve always valued the sacred space of therapy as a sounding board and a refiner’s fire so to speak.  In other words, no matter what season I’m in, I depend on my therapist to challenge me, call my BS (bullshit and blindspots), and serve as a loving mirror when the reflection I see is less than compelling.  

Whether you’re in a tight transition or a season of loss, it’s imperative to reach out and find the help you need.  As someone who’s sat in therapy far longer as a client than a therapist, I relate to the struggle of finding the right fit.  It’s real.  Today, I want to unpack this process as much as possible.  You’ve already got enough on your plate.

Prep-work

Before launching on your quest, there’s some necessary prep-work.  Oftentimes, it can be the most difficult part of the process.  

The first step is always to get still, spend about 10-15 minutes alone, and ask yourself what it is you’re needing in therapy.  This may seem obvious, but it’s not.  Oftentimes, we’re operating in crisis.  The survival strategies involved in crisis don’t provide much of a margin for conscious self-reflection.  It’s important to give yourself a small window of time and ask yourself (a) what you need and (b) what you want from therapy.  (Two different questions, mind you.) I find it easiest to write this pertinent information down in a journal or notebook.  This content will serve as somewhat of a roadmap for the journey ahead.  

Once you’ve taken the time to explore these questions, here are five helpful guidelines to follow:

The Quest

1. Logistics: Let’s get the unsexy bit out of the way.  First things first, you need to get clear on practical parameters such as location, budget, male vs. female, type of therapy (individual/couples/family), availability, and whether or not they offer a sliding scale or the opportunity to use insurance.  These will steer the next several steps accordingly.  It’s worth noting that while some practitioners do accept insurance, some insurance policies only allow for a minimum amount of sessions they will cover, making ongoing therapy an out-of-pocket expense.  Also, confidentiality can become an issue when therapists apply diagnostic codes for billing purposes.  Again, all good things to consider and inquire about based on your needs and privacy preferences. A helpful therapist directory can be found at   psychologytoday.com and often provides answers to several of these basic questions.

2. Referral: Ideally, finding referrals from those who know you personally is the best place to start...be it an existing physician, family member, pastor, or friend.  If possible, I always encourage people to start with their current sphere of influence when looking for therapist recommendations.  This is where I’ve always had the most luck. 

3. Style: Just like with dating, you’re not for everyone.  No matter how fabulous you are, you won’t be compatible with everyone attractive you meet (*sigh). I tell people this upfront in therapy all the time.  I can’t help everyone and I’m quick to practice transparency when I feel another therapist might be more equipped to support someone with specific needs I don’t feel qualified to meet.  Do you want a no-nonsense, directive approach in therapy or would you prefer a softer, more indirect style?  (Or something in between?) Do you seek a therapist who is faith-based? Do you appreciate someone of a specific age? These qualifiers will hopefully show up in the prep-work listed above.  

4. Expertise: If you’ve done therapy before and know certain modalities or tools that work for you, it’s important to bring this insight into your search.  Interviewing a handful of possible therapists is important so as to understand their approach and expertise.  Do you want to explore the Enneagram in your work? Do you need a grief or addictions specialist? Do you prefer brain-based therapies such as EMDR or Brainspotting?  Do you like talk-therapy or more of an experiential technique?  Do you need group therapy in addition to individual therapy and which therapists provide this?  

5. Consult: Most therapists will offer a free 15-30 minute phone consult.  You’re about to invest time and resources into the therapeutic process.  It’s vital to understand a bit more about the experience, training, and approach to therapy they have.  I always encourage this as sometimes we just need an opportunity to suss it out in a quick conversation.  Email is a great starting point, however I always like to get a feel for communication style and energy on the phone.  Having as many of the prior steps filled out is a bonus so as to be able to clearly ask as many questions as possible.  (Also worth noting, if you need to stay within a budget, therapists who are newer to the field or working towards licensure will often provide a sliding scale rate based on your income.)

And listen, oftentimes this “pre-production” business is a luxury.  Therapy is often a last resort as we find ourselves amidst chaos, crisis, and loss.  In these times, simply taking the brave first step to start therapy with someone and trusting the process to unfold as it should is all we can do. 

P.S. As a helpful checklist, I’ve posted The Cheatsheet: A no-hassle guide to finding the right therapist on my website!  Visit katiegustafson.co/cheatsheet to download a free guide.  

Oh, P.S.S.  This goes without saying, but I’d LOVE to serve as a resource for you on your quest.  If you have questions for me, or need referrals, I’ve got some incredible ones for you.  Please reach out.