Why Self-Compassion is Critical

As you know, I believe self-care is crucial to not only our emotional well-being but our physical health as well.  Developing a daily self-care practice is meant to help you grow and evolve over time.  It’s about learning to relate to yourself with kindness and understanding, no matter what life throws at you.  From that place of love and alignment, we make choices that reflect self-respect and care—choices that are life-giving and nourishing. 

When I talk about self-compassion, it’s important to understand what it is as well as what it isn’t.  There are so many myths about self-compassion that keep us from buying in, so I want to take a moment to bust those up.  

Myth #1: Self-compassion makes us lazy or ineffective.   

Wrong.  Neuroscience proves that self-compassion has a motivating effect on our brain, creating the perfect petrie dish for change, learning, and resilience.  Shame, rather than self-compassion, shuts down parts of the brain responsible for motivation, change, and learning.

Myth #2: Self-compassion is selfish

Wrong again.  If you’ve ever flown on a plane, you’ll recall the  flight attendant’s schpeel about putting on your oxygen mask before that of others.  Similarly, self-compassion is one of the most loving things we can do for others because it allows us to fill our cup in order to pour out to the ones we love the most.  Studies have shown that marriages where the partners practice self-compassion are much more satisfying and successful than marriages where there is self-criticism and shaming. 

Myth #3: Self-compassion is irresponsible

Aaaaand….wrong.  Self-compassion allows us to be with ourselves in a kind and loving way and assess any mistakes or wrongdoing we have made.  From this place of compassion, we are more likely to apologize and not make the same mistake.  Again, when we self-flagellate, we tend to sit in guilt and shame longer, creating more stress on the situation than when we accept what’s been done and move on to choose something more loving the next time.  

So, today, I invite you to think about an area of your life where you need more self-compassion.  Is there a situation that you need to extend some compassion or forgiveness to yourself?  

Take a few minutes to think about this deeply and honestly.  And, since so much healing can happen through writing down our thoughts, I even encourage you to write about this in your journal.

The Writing Exercise That Changes Everything

When was the last time you wanted to confront an issue with someone but didn’t know how?  Perhaps it felt too scary or threatened connection with that person?  Avoiding conflict is an easy habit to fall into, especially if you’re a people pleaser like me.  

And yet we know that honesty is so important.  When I learned that people-pleasing was, in fact, just another form of dishonesty, I decided I needed to shift my mindset around “speaking straight,” as I like to call it.  

However, there are times when honest conversation is not so helpful.  The other person may not be able to give you the thoughtful response you’re looking for.  In fact, it might be downright dangerous to initiate this form of transparency with the person who has caused you pain.  

Whether you’re dealing with fear around confrontation or a not-so-safe situation where a clear conversation may be counterproductive, this writing exercise is a game-changer.

I’m talking about letter writing.  It’s an effective and painless way to process difficult emotions or experiences you have with someone…even yourself.  

The best part?  You can be brutally honest, working out past or present frustrations, and mentally, emotionally, and even physically manage situations that feel overwhelming.  

How does it work?  You simply put everything you need to say to someone down in letter-format.  You can write several drafts, starting out unfiltered and rounding it out with a bit more tact.  And, you get to decide if it’s worth sending the letter or not.  

This is so effective because YOU get to step into your power by saying all you need to say—for YOU.  When we can let go of the outcome and make this all about processing negative feeling emotions towards another person, we take responsibility of our process and  slide into the driver seat of life.  

We shift from the victim to the hero of our story.

Sure, you can send the letter if you want.   But again, the secret sauce is in owning your power by letting go of outcomes and taking responsibility of your experience.  This exercise becomes more about a healthy way to process difficult experience and less about manipulating or fixing what’s been lost, even if you are in the right. 

So, who do you need to write a letter to? What do you need closure or clearing around?  

Grab a pen and some paper and let’s get to it…

What Do You Really Want?

What’s stopping you from doing what you truly desire?  In my experience, it is much harder to do what I truly desire when I’m acting as my own worst enemy.   

However, when I get out of my own way and start playing for instead of against my team, big things happen.  It’s up to me to get out of my own way and embrace the responsibility of loving and taking care of myself.

Perhaps the greatest tool alongside therapy that has equipped me to do this is the Enneagram.  It has been a steady companion, giving me the language to express lonely truths I thought were mine alone, as well as reasons for doing the clumsy things I do so often.  

The Enneagram has gently shown me all the ways I wear false--if not fashionable--masks of personality to protect myself from being truly seen and perhaps rejected. It has shown me the great potential that awaits (when I do step out of my own way).

You may know about the Enneagram, and if so, I’m grateful.  It’s not just a buzz word or cool kid trend. In fact, it’s so ancient experts can’t quite nail down its conception. It has stood the test of time, and I’m thrilled more and more people are bringing it into their homes, relationships, and dinner conversations.

As we gear up for summer, let’s take the time to become our own best friend…to connect back to the little girl who only knows love and has no clue how to lie or be afraid or confuse success with love.  

If this feels wildly out of reach and too esoteric, don’t worry, you’re not alone, I’d love to support you in your desire to truly thrive.  I’ve got a killer roadmap to get us there.    

You ready? Join me in the Practice.

Self-Care Gets a Rebrand

One of the first questions I like to ask clients I work with takes some by surprise.  It helps me steer our entire therapeutic journey.  It’s simple…and very complex.  

Tell me about your relationship with you?

Typically, after a long stare back at me like I have eight heads, they respond,  

“Um…good question. I don’t think about it much.”

Exactly.  How we relate to ourselves doesn’t exactly stay top of mind.  Others, more likely.

Yet how I relate to myself—how I treat, take care of, and talk to myself directly impacts everything else in life.  Everything.

Why?  Because I can’t live and give out of an empty vessel.  

Last February, (which seems like 12 years ago right now), I hosted a Self-Care Workshop alongside two dear friends.  It was powerful because we realized how desperate our souls, especially as women, are for deep, true self-care.  

I’m not talking mani-pedis and facials and wine nights with the girls.  Those are all fabulous and can be nurturing, but let’s call a spade a spade.  Those are forms of pampering…and pampering is a good thing!  Yet we’ve sold self-care short if we deem it expensive beauty treatments and indulgences, especially right now.  We approach it as a luxury—the stuff that ensues out of an abundance of time, energy, and resources.

And yet I firmly believe the less of those three resources we have, the more important it is to fight for self-care.

Actually, I’d like to rebrand self-care as self-compassion because I feel self-compassion looks more like true, life-giving self-care than spa treatments do.  

So what is self-compassion?   

Self-compassion is the practice of befriending ourselves.  It’s learning to think of, talk to, and treat ourselves with kindness and compassion like we would do a friend we deeply care about.  

Self-compassion also takes notice of some important things.    

1. It recognizes our hurt and suffering.

2. It moves towards this pain with a kind and open heart instead of trying to fix it, shame it, or numb it.  

3. It is built on the foundation that the human condition is fragile and this frailty is the connective tissue that binds us all together.  

Guess what?  Whereas “self-care” in a traditional, indulgent context has been tough for most of us this past year, self-compassion is available and necessary at every turn. (Oh, and free!)

History has presented us this year with the perfect space and time to practice true self-care, or self-compassion.

We’ve got an incredible opportunity right now to prioritize mental health and in doing so, dig deep, love ourselves, and love our people well.  I love supporting you in this process.   

Three Ways to Practically Apply the Enneagram

First came type.  Everyone and their dogs flapping gums about what’s your Enneagram type and memes that address how you take your coffee as that type and all the ways we experience life within that context.  

If this got old fast, it’s for a reason: many people don’t like being reduced to a number.

More recently, Enneagram teachers, myself included, have focused on going deeper, beneath the optics of type, to the ways in which we can practically apply the wisdom of the Enneagram.  After all, knowledge is power but knowledge plus implementation is transformational.  

So today, I want to share my favorite three ways of implementing the Enneagram in our lives.  In the Practice, my Enneagram-based self-care subscription program, I’ve set up a roadmap and support along the way to do this work in community and it’s been powerful.  Here’s a bird’s eye view of the ways we’re practicing the life-giving work of the Enneagram.

1. Self-Observation. This is first base and a huge game-changer if you’re new to the idea. Basically, we take the role of the student, the neutral observer of our own experience, and bear witness to our thoughts, feelings, behaviors, beliefs, and interactions. This is a powerful way of creating more space between the “stimulus and response” as Viktor Frankl said. It’s a way to bake-in deeper self-awareness and understanding. And don’t be fooled if this sounds like a walk in the park—it’s actually quite difficult at first because we are so used to living on autopilot!
   

2. Vice-to-Virtue. Each type has a passion, or emotional habit that keeps them stuck in the pitfalls of our type. It’s like the catalyst for our habits of thought and emotion within our type structure. Each type also has a virtue, or a state of essential goodness and receptivity. When we practice the vice-to-virtue movement, we become aware of how our passion operates in our daily lives and make the conscious movement from the vice, or passion, to the virtue, or state of open presence and higher parts of our personality. This invitation is always waiting and always expansive.
   

3. Balancing the Centers. Last but not least, the Enneagram teaches we are three-brained beings as opposed to one. We have thinking intelligence, emotional intelligence, and instinctual intelligence. Every type operates dominantly out of one of these. When we work to bring balance to the centers, we practice becoming aware of the other two intelligences we tend to downplay and dial-up our awareness with them so as to create more balance and increase a well-rounded, grounded experience in life.
   

So, are you ready to take your Enneagram practices to the next level?  Join me in the Practice!