So You Think You Should Talk to Someone? Let's Find the Right Therapist

As we all continue to be bombarded with stressors and general unrest, now more than ever, it’s important to assess how we’re coping individually and realize when it’s time to reach out for professional help in order to properly care for ourselves. 

Between the COVID-19 pandemic and recent protests, it’s easy to see how stress and anxiety can build to extreme levels.  But in order to navigate emotional distress, we can’t simply regurgitate past trauma and dysfunction and ignore the path for a new tomorrow.

I believe one of the greatest tools for working through your past, avoiding burnout, and embracing true transformation is psychotherapy. It is incredibly powerful for anyone seeking a deeper sense of understanding and wholeness.

Good therapists most definitely hold space to unpack the often-brutal stories of our past.  Yes, to write a compelling story with you playing the hero instead of the victim, it’s necessary to unearth expired lies and lay them to rest.  However, good therapists won’t leave you there.  

I’ve been a student of Dr. Joe Dispenza’s work for a while now.  He explores this topic neurologically and absolutely nails it.  Check this out:

“The stronger the emotion that we feel from some external event in our life, the more altered we feel inside of us as a result of that condition outside of us and the more we pay attention to the cause.  The challenge is, every time we think about that trauma, we’re producing the same chemistry in the brain and body as if it was happening again.  What that does is it activates a survival gene.  And when you’re in survival, what you want to do is make sure that that doesn’t happen again. “

When we lock into this type of survival mode, we often forecast worst-case scenarios.  Guess what?  Our brain doesn’t know the difference between the imagined state we create and reality. Therefore, we stay trapped in that old victim mentality and it tends to play out over and over again moving forward. 

Here’s my point: therapy often doesn’t work because we spend so much time talking about our past to the point we are literally reliving it.  Where focus goes, energy flows, therefore creating a habit of attention so strong and involuntary, it becomes nearly impossible to create new life-giving possibilities and successes in our lives.  How could we?  All our energy is being funneled into past emotions of survival long after the immediate threat is gone.  

My approach is different.  I’m convinced if we’re interested in creating lasting change, we need an experience to support us as a whole person, not just a cognitive one, from the neck up.  

Yes, we need a safe space to tell our stories—100%.  Yet we also need an experience of transformation as opposed to a conversation.  I believe this happens through daily practices and community.  

If you’re ready to dive right in, I’d love to support you in finding tangible breakthroughs. I’m also cooking up some resources that will be available this fall and will support your everyday experience.

Drop me a line.  I always love hearing from you.

Love & Gratitude,

Katie 

Reaction Formation

I love a good quote. Don’t you? 

One that I keep tucked away in the background of my foggy mom brain is this classic by Viktor Frankl, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

It keeps my unconscious clunking through life in check.

I sincerely believe that most of our perceived problems would dissolve if we cultivated, or grew, that space between what life throws at us and how we respond. Let’s stop right there. Even just the word “respond” is generous. I tend to default to cruise-control living more days than not, reacting out of emotion instead of responding out of presence. 

Why? Because the space between the stimulus and response is so stinking small! What is not so small, however, is the old ego blaring at full-volume when I live like this. 

For example, let’s look at a scenario we can all relate to—traffic. (Well, perhaps not in these COVID times.)  If you live in a large-ish city like Nashville, chances are, you have been tweaked by traffic. One of my absolute biggest pet peeves is when I’m stopped at a four-way stop and instead of obeying traffic laws, people try to be sweet and “let you go” when it’s not your turn. I’m all for southern charm and hospitality, but somebody’s going to get hurt if we all play nice instead of following the basic order.

This happened the other day. A well-meaning lady in a heavy black sedan with red lipstick and statement earrings sat across from me at a four-way stop. It was her turn to go. She flashed a toothy grin my way and waved her hand for me to go. I mean come ON. I played along but rolled my eyes and sped around the turn very dramatically. Small space alert! I reacted out of frustration instead of responding from curiosity and openness. Ew.

I was also asleep in trance, living out of a really crappy story that read something like this, “Why are people so lame? She should see traffic laws (and life for that matter) the way I do.”  

Zero compassion. Zero patience. Bags of judgment.  

Sure, anger was at the surface. But guess what was really going on underneath that jagged reaction? The real underlying story was fear. It went something like this, “Things won’t work out unless I try to control them.”  

Do you have a particular narrative that gets you into trouble?

Here’s some good news: the thing that separates us as humans from animals is the ability to make up stories. We’ve also been given the glorious gift of imagination in order to write them well. 

Guess what we need in order to write good and truthful stories? We need space. Why? Because we write best out of stillness, not chaos. Also, because reactionary, fear-based living will drive us mad (and others away). 

If you and I are courageous enough to sit in that space, feel our feelings, and simply observe the moment at hand, we have stepped out of ego— the need for control—and into the freedom of essence. By essence, I’m referring to the unconditioned, open, and authentic “true self.”

From that space, you create meaning, thought, feeling, and action that is powerful beyond belief. This is the space where you get to use your God-given gift to write really compelling stories.

This all sounds so lovely and airy-fairy, but how do we grow that space and find our freedom— our power? 

Meditation is the most effective tool I’ve found to cultivate the inner observer, or witness, we all have, yet tend to neglect. Any mindfulness exercise or guided breathing and meditation allow us to relate to our thoughts and experiences in a softer, more open way. Most importantly, it broadens the space and cushions the fall when life throws us the inevitable curveballs.  Yes, it feels boring, uncomfortable, and frustrating at first, but after a while, you will start to crave it. 

This is the spiritual work of the Enneagram. It’s time we tend to that pure, loving part of us in order to create some distance between how we experience the world and how we respond. Your imagination is your MVP here. Break it open. Look around. Make a home.

Stay awhile.

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

In Case You're Wondering What to do Next...

When everything around me seems swirling and chaotic, I always return to the basics: what I know to be true.  

I remember as a kid, when I’d get super discouraged, dramatic, or disappointed, my sweet Dad would take me on a date (which normally revolved around food, ice cream, what have you), and remind me of who I was.  Not in a pep talky kind of way—more of a recalibrating kind of way.  My highly-sensitive self would get lost in the clouds of her great expectations and harsh inner critic and what I needed more than anything was to feel my feet on the ground.  

My Dad knew that.  Perhaps someone had done that for him somewhere along the way.

While I have been clueless how to respond to the world around me and the mash-up of emotions sheltering inside me for most of 2020, I keep coming back to this: when in doubt, do the next best thing.  Okay, okay, so I got a little inspiration from Anna in Frozen 2.  I guess it’s proof that the kid inside of you and me is indeed, a truth-teller.

While I may not be able to change the world around me in a day (or a lifetime), I can take responsibility for my own evolution and growth and in doing so, directly impact my sphere of influence big or, in my case, small.  By becoming better humans, we build a better world.  By taking care of you, you create a greater opportunity for impact as you engage your family, friends, co-workers, and tribe.  

What does this mean exactly?  Becoming a better human sounds pretty broad.  I believe it starts with self-knowledge.   Last week I interviewed Ian Cron, bestselling author of The Road Back to You and host of the popular Enneagram podcast, Typology.  It was such a treat.  I asked him what his most valuable takeaway was from the Enneagram.  He said “self-knowledge,” without a doubt.  

He said the difference between self-awareness and self-knowledge is self-awareness is being conscious of how you feel, think, and act.  Self-knowledge takes it a step further and unpacks the “why” behind that awareness.  The Enneagram gives us nine (or 27 if you factor in subtypes) lanes that map out how we get lost in our ego, or false self.  It carves out the self-knowledge as well, providing us with the “why” behind our often painful pursuits.  

Today we stand at an unprecedented crossroads.  It’s an invitation to quit pressing the snooze button on the alarm clock of living fully alive. It’s an opportunity to change the world around us by doing the next best thing—whether that is reaching out to a friend in need, speaking kindly to yourself, donating to a worthy cause, responding instead of reacting out of fiery emotion, or hugging your child a little longer at bedtime.   

It’s about revisiting the classics we may have skimmed through in human school.  

Let’s get back to the truth of what we know, my friend.  By taking care of you, you’re taking control of what you can control.  When we build on a firm foundation, we can create a beautiful, soulful tomorrow.  I think we can all agree that hope for tomorrow starts with today.

Deepest Love & Gratitude,

​Katie

Why Empathy is Everything Right Now

Perhaps like you, I’ve been spending more time on social media lately. I have had nothing original to contribute and that’s the glorious point. Last Tuesday’s #BlackoutTuesday marked the first day of one week (and inevitably beyond) to consciously focus on joining our voices, efforts, and resources to become better educated about what’s going on in our country and how we can advocate for healing a very old wound: racism.

Throughout the week, as I talked to friends, family, and clients, I was amazed by how many times I heard a similar thread: “I am listening." Listening for truth, knowing, conviction, and ultimately for hope.

What a powerful place of unity to stand amidst a shattered landscape. Listening.

As I poured over trusted friends and influencers feeds and stories, I came across this quote by a man I’d never heard of, Bill Bullard. It shook me to the core. It reads:

“Opinion is really the lowest form of human knowledge. It requires no accountability, no understanding. The highest form of knowledge is empathy, for it requires us to suspend our egos and live in another’s world. It requires profound purpose larger than the self kind of
understanding.”

Everything in my body leaped. YES! This is it!

I googled Mr. Bullard and found very little. The most I could muster was his past profession as the Dean of a San Fransisco High School. Fitting. Clearly, he didn’t need much of a footprint to make an impact.

I bet he was a really good listener, I thought to myself as I was searching to find out more about him.

And whereas I deeply value my opinions and those of others, I’m struck by this idea that we are being called to work through the ego’s slippery need to be heard and be right. No matter what you believe or subscribe to, the undeniable truth is that we must rise up and stand as our highest selves were created to in the face of glaring pain: in love, in listening, in empathy.

Opinions come easy.

Empathy requires understanding and humility.

Opinions divide.

Empathy builds bridges.

Opinions are judgments.

Empathy leans heavy on curiosity.

Opinions want to win.

Empathy wants to give.

When I read that quote, I realized just how important the work of understanding is for our own healing and the healing of a hurting world. I also realized this is why I love the Enneagram so much—it leads us through the tight spaces of ego entrapment and into the wide-open fields of compassion, shedding the hard outer shell of fear one layer at a time.
​
It helps us understand that our way of seeing the world isn’t the right way, it’s just one way.

​Let’s commit to the work of listening to understand. Not listening to formulate a clever response based on opinion. Listening to understand so that we may love.

Love & Gratitude,

​Katie

​HUGE P.S. Join me THIS FRIDAY at 10 am CST as I chat with Ian Cron, author of The Road Back to You and host of Typology podcast about using the Enneagram as a tool for developing Empathy. 

Your Brain on the Enneagram: A Chat with Dr. Jerome Lubbe

Last week, I had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Jerome Lubbe, an innovative thinker, functional neurologist, and author of The Brain-Based Enneagram: you are not A number, to talk Enneagram and the brain.  It was truly fascinating.  

The Enneagram stole my heart 14 years ago, but neuroscience and specifically, neuroplasticity came in hot on my radar in 2015.  It was around then that I started studying trauma and its effect on our brains and bodies.  

You may be wondering what the heck the brain has to do with the Enneagram.  And that would be fair.  That’s why I’m excited to unpack it a bit here today.  

According to Dr. Jerome:

 “Neuroscience tells us that our brains are plastic. They can and do change. Brain anatomy reveals that our operating system is composed of three primary components which mirror the structure of the Enneagram:

1. Brain-stem (instinct triad), 

2. Right hemisphere (intuition triad), and 

3. Left hemisphere (intellect triad). 

Functional Neurology shows us how to target areas of the brain in order to physically improve the efficiency of the distinct natures of our identity. 

The Enneagram integrates seamlessly. It provides language and definition for the process of development. It opens channels for growth by connecting values and expressions to brain function. It offers a guide for increasing physical, mental, and emotional efficiencies by practically implementing effective methods at effective times in effective ways. The Brain-Based EnneagramTM empowers every human being on the planet to engage with the brain, heal and rebuild after trauma, encourage and strengthen efficiencies, and nourish the relational, integrated nature of our whole identity.” 

Simply stated, understanding how our brains work and develop habits of attention, thought, and emotion over time directly affects our behaviors and the arc of our wellbeing and experienced reality.  When you integrate this knowledge of the brain with the effective self-understanding tool of the Enneagram, you are able to understand how you got where you are and can begin putting into practice a new, empowered way forward.  

Sure, knowledge is power.  However, once we are able to implement tools (the Enneagram) with this knowledge, power translates to growth and transformation. 

Something I appreciate about Dr. Jerome’s approach to the Enneagram is his advocacy in our capacity for all nine types.  He provides in his extensive research and testing that we can’t be reduced to one number.  Instead, we have fluid elements of all nine that ebb and flow with life’s unfolding.  This allows for the complexity of the human identity and is a sigh of relief to the boxy, stereotypical reign of type.  

As I like to say, we have a dominant type (in my case, a four), yet also have strains of each of the other eight in my Whole Identity Profile, as he has pioneered.   

The best part of all of this is that Dr. Jerome’s book The Brain-Based Enneagram: you are not A number, releases today! His personal journey, breadth of work, and available resources for us is simply stunning.  I hope you’ll check out his book, especially if you’ve experienced frustration around knowing your type! 

Love & Gratitude,

Katie 

P.S. Tune in for my upcoming Instagram Live chat with singer/songwriter/podcaster, Seth Abram this Thursday at 11 am CT!