Shifting Shadows: Doing the Work of the Enneagram

I grew up in the crown jewel of the deep south, Mobile, AL.  We did many strange things like take ballroom dancing in fifth grade.  It was hands down the most awkward thing I’d experienced until then, and I’ve always felt at home on a dance floor.

This was different though. Kids from a couple of neighboring schools would gather on a Thursday night at 5 o’clock in a big gymnasium at St. Ignatius Catholic church and learn all the old-school couples dances like the fox trot, waltz, and others I’ve purposely erased from my memory.  The most unbearable part of it wasn’t learning the dances, it was learning the dances with the boys.  They were hyper, smelly, and had no rhythm.  They also thought they were beyond cool. 

My favorite part of the night was when I spotted my mom’s minivan headlights in the carpool line.  She’d swoop in and pick me up and we’d proceed to Checkers for the long-awaited chocolate milkshake(s).  I had to take the edge off somehow. 

Learning to dance with our shadow, or shameful parts can feel just as unpleasant.  They are those parts of us that we’d rather not talk about.  Early on, we learned to hide them from the world around us for acceptance—for survival.  They are the parts of you that if someone saw, they might ultimately reject.  You may be found out…and deemed unloveable. 

What are the shadow parts you’d rather forget about?  Is it depression, body shame, singleness, financial troubles, or even sexual trauma as a child? Whatever they are, much like the smelly boys at ballroom, we’ve got to learn to lean in, let go, and learn to dance with them.

The Enneagram is all about integration.  The less compartmentalized, or fragmented we are, the more integrated and whole we will become.  Just as we are made up of hundreds of different body parts, muscles, and organs, we also have so many different parts of our emotional, relational, and creative beings.

Often times in therapy sessions with clients, these parts come up.  Take anxiety for example.  Anxiety is an emotion or part of us that can be immobilizing.  We often deal with it by numbing, fixing, or running from it.  Anxiety is really just a shadow part of us that needs compassion and understanding just like, say, the creative part of us.  When we stuff our anxiety and try to avoid it, we really just give it more power and as a result, create imbalance.

What might dancing with this anxious shadow look like?  Well, first of all, we must listen to and get to know it.  This allows us to cultivate empathy for that anxious part of us.  After all, she has been working overtime for a while now to keep us performing, staying safe, and “on the ball.”  

Shadow work is really a reckoning with parts of ourselves we’ve misjudged for a long time.  The payoff is wholeness—flow.  It’s realizing those parts we’ve been hiding for so long aren’t so terrible after all.  In fact, they end up being the best parts because they are the most thorough teachers.  

That anxious part of you desperately wants you to see her for who she really is: someone who deeply cares about your future, yet may go about it clumsily.  She wants you to sit with her, commune with her, and realize the worst thing that can happen isn’t so bad in the end because you have other resilient parts of you that can step in and take over when she needs to sit the next song out.  

Take a minute and visualize the part of you that you dislike, a lot.  Perhaps you feel guilty about this part or constantly judge it.  What does she look like?  What is she doing?  In the same minute, take one step towards her… then another, and another.  You left her alone a long time ago and she feels abandoned, even scared.  She knows you dislike her but she desperately longs to know you and play on the same team.  She needs you big time.  

If this feels completely terrifying, it should.  Your brain is freaking out because it has no idea what it’s doing.  Hang in there though, this is perhaps the most life-giving work you’ve ever done.  Dancing with shadows or smelly boys is probably not on your bucket list.  Oh but I bet I know what is…

Freedom.

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

Growing Beyond Your Enneagram Type

I believe the big reason people sour so quickly from the Enneagram is that it’s so misused by the rest of us. We become Bible-thumping zealots – throwing numbers and jargon around – insensitive to the fact that those around us are not interested or open to being objectified…and reduced. I mean, I get it. I was “that girl” who was an Enneagram evangelist there in the first couple of years: typing people left and right, preaching about growth and disintegration, and passing the plate of approval so everyone would “buy-in.”

And I meant well – truly. It’s been life-changing for me in my process, lending a clean lens to the distorted picture of my life I’d been living out of for so long.  Yet it took me years to metabolize the fact that lasting Enneagram transformation speaks for itself. I didn’t have to. The proof is, as they say, in the pudding.

What I didn’t understand then that I do now is this: the Enneagram is not about becoming more like your type. The Enneagram is about living beyond type and into the true you. It’s about identifying your dominant type in order to fully understand it: strengths, weaknesses, motivations, values, and behaviors. But it’s not some Venus fly-trap, swallowing you up, lickety-split, right when you get up close. It’s about identifying the limiting parts of your personality in order to release and re-write the parts that no longer fit.

I’ll never forget my month-long Narrative Enneagram teacher training a few years back in Menlo Park, A. I was expecting the room to be filled with ego and a lot of it. Instead, I remember walking in the first day and much to my surprise, feeing pretty stumped. I couldn’t really figure out anyone’s type (though I couldn’t resist trying!). This group had done some deep inner work, and lot’s of it.  They were living beyond their type, beyond the rough and ready edges of personality, into their authentic selves.

When we work with the Enneagram and live in that space, the edges do soften. Relationships run smoother, life’s inevitable stressors become more manageable, and the present moment – more vibrant.

Being reduced to a number is pretty lame. Understanding the truth about how you operate in the world and the story you’ve been living out of is life-changing. Why? Because that means you get to decide if it still serves you. If it doesn’t, guess what?

Yep….you can change it.

When you’re stuck in your type, you’re also stuck in the familiar past – so predictable.

You are so much more than a number, my friend. You are the writer, creator, director, and leading lady of your story, all in one!

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

The Enneagram and Your Self-Care Plan

This coming weekend, myself and two dear friends are hosting a workshop all about self-care.  
 
Be honest, what do you think about when you hear the term “self-care?”
 
 Spa treatments? Retail therapy? A long bath? A wine night with the girls?
 
Whereas all of these things sound fun, I’m not sure they are actually self-care.  Pampering? Sure. Indulging? Absolutely.  Ally, Koula, and myself are convinced we can do better for ourselves.  
 
Oh, and what if self-care is not in fact, selfish.  I hear that a lot in my work with clients.  It’s a real blocker. 
 
What if self-care is easier (and cheaper) than you think?  What if you could actually save tons of money in therapy by practicing a plan that would connect you to your truest self each week? Hell, you may even put me out of a job! :)
 
There is a time and a place for therapy, however, I believe if we feel empowered to practice the things that bring about positive change and care in our daily experience, we are able to create a life that truly breathes hope and vibrancy.  
 
As an Enneagram coach and therapist, I love equipping people to step out of the limiting box they’ve been in and better understand the true story about who they are.  There is simply no better tool in bringing about self-awareness and transformation than the Enneagram.  
 
This weekend, we will go beyond information and do a deep dive into how this wisdom makes a tangible difference as we apply it to our lives through self-care.  Ally, a bestselling author and writing coach will help us infuse writing practices into this transformation process.   Koula, a brilliant communicator and my favorite yoga teacher on the planet, will show us how movement and mindfulness are scientifically proven to improve our overall health and well-being.  
 
Most importantly, we will all leave with a plan.  That’s why we struggle with follow-through, right?  We lack a plan and ongoing support.  We’ve got that covered.  
 
I know, many of you won’t be able to make it.  That’s okay.  You’ll have other opportunities to dig into the work of self-care in the future.  This is just the beginning of the heartfelt journey we’re on to discover how to truly care for ourselves in a way that promotes connection and empowerment.  
 
If you’re still on the fence and can make it, do yourself a huge favor and register today.  Investing in yourself this weekend will not only greatly benefit you, but the ones you love as well.  It’s like getting six months of therapy in a solid weekend.  (There I go again, putting myself out of a job. ;)  

Let me leave you with a journal prompt. Take a moment to ask yourself, "What does self-care mean to you?"​​
 
I hope to see you this weekend!  


Love & Gratitude,

Katie

P.S. There's still time to join me, Kuola, and Ally at our Self-Care Workshop on February 8-9 in Nashville. Sign-up today!

Is your WHY compelling enough?

Let’s be honest.  I have no idea what personal freedom looks like for you right now nor do I pretend to think I have any answers you don’t already know.  You are the expert at you.  
 
However, I do know what personal freedom does NOT look like for you or me or anyone for that matter.  It does not look like your best friend, your mom, your therapist, some celebrity, or Instagram’s suggestions.  Sure, feedback and wise counsel are important.  The catch is, if you don’t have total buy-in, it stays just that—someone else’s advice.  
  
Last week, I wrote about the importance of slowly easing into the new year, practicing healthy habits, not making extreme, reactionary changes.  It’s those tiny, two-degree shifts that make lasting impacts, like my wise friend Miles Adcox teaches out at Onsite Workshops.  
 
As a follow-up, I want to sit with a question this week that might help steer your ship in the direction of greater personal freedom.
 
Here it is: 
 
One year from today, if you woke up feeling full of excitement and confidence, what would be different in your life?  What would be the same?  
 
And here’s the clincher…
 
Why?
 
Take a few minutes to paint that picture either in your mind or a journal.
 
Maybe it’s a career change, a new relationship, financial freedom, physical health and energy, or maybe some much needed personal healing.  
 
Whatever it is, I believe acknowledging this desire is the first and most important step.  
 
The second?  Saying “yes” to it.  Every day.  
 
When we align with our heart’s desires, powerful shifts start to happen on our behalf.  
 
The follow-through seems to be tough though, right?  That’s my experience.  I believe this is because we lose sight of our ‘why.’  Or, perhaps our ‘why’ isn’t compelling enough in the first place.  
 
I heard someone say recently that if your vision for your life only benefits you, it isn’t big enough.  
 
Losing weight in order to have a healthier lifestyle and attract a new relationship is great—truly.  However, we can go bigger.  It will also allow you to feel more confident and contribute more value to the world and attract more opportunities.  It will help you show up in every area of life and be more present because you feel better.  It will inspire others to follow your lead.  We could go on…
 
In light of personal freedom, when your “why” is compelling enough, the follow-through becomes tangible.  
 
I love the fact that you and I are called to be the truest version of ourselves possible.  I’m not doing anyone any good if I wake up each morning trying to fit into someone else’s story.  I’ve been down that winding road. It’s exhausting.  
 
So, what do you say we do a bit of decluttering this week and leave all the other noise behind? Maybe It’s time to get clear on your picture of personal freedom and make some lasting changes.
 
Are you ready?
 
Love & Gratitude,

Katie

I Wish I'd Had This 5 Years Ago

I’ve heard it said, as writers, our ideal audience is us, five years ago.  So, at 40, I’m writing to my 35-year-old self.  After all, we write what we know.  I suppose the lessons of life take a solid three to five years (at least!) to really get into our bones.
 
This definitely checks out for me.  Whereas I value every leg of the journey, looking back I cringe to see some of the harrowing passages I traversed all in the name of stubbornness.  Five years ago, I was on a tear, hustling in about 20 different directions all in the name of worthiness.  I had one speed…fast.  Even though I’d come along way on my journey of healing and wholeness, I was swinging hard in the direction of impossible expectations for myself and my life.  
 
In fact, I was so worn out, my body started to slowly break down, manifesting all sorts of back, neck, and jaw pain.  Even though I didn’t feel depressed, my body began calling out for some attention as there was still some work to be done deep inside.  Sure, I’d been a therapist for a while, yet I needed to take my own advice and stop ignoring parts of me that desperately needed some love.
 
Let’s just say, I was seriously confused about the whole self-care thing.  I worked out hard, I enjoyed time with girlfriends, I went for the occasional mani/pedi, I journaled here and there, but I never fully stepped off the treadmill of what I’ve come to call my internal split.  By this I mean, my disconnection from myself and the present moment.  I was always somewhere else, “out there.”  Self-care felt like a detour— a delayed pitstop or something.   
 
Fast-forward to today.  A lot has happened.  I got married, had my first child, and woke up to the glaring fact that something needed to change if I wanted to actually show up authentically for my family and my dreams.  My internal split needed an internal shift.  I knew a different set of circumstances wouldn’t change anything.  For the first time in my life, I knew I had to quit hustling for my worthiness and start caring for the little girl inside who was flat out tired.   
 
I’d mistaken self-care for something to be checked off the to-do list quickly to return to life as I knew it.   It felt squishy—or weak or something.   It became a way to numb the soreness after a long day, like a couple of glasses of wine or a nice long bubble bath.   Whereas those things are lovely, they never seemed to make me feel alive or more me. Relaxing? Yes. Connective? Hmmm…not so much.
 
I wish I’d known what true self-care is five years ago.  I wish I’d had a roadmap, or ritual, to practice on the regular that was grounding, healing, and life-giving.   Sure, I did eventually figure it out by the grace of God and some hardcore burnout. Maybe this was exactly as it should be.  However, I’d like to break the fall for anyone who’s curious. 
 
I believe we get good at whatever we practice.  Resilience in life is really about practice.  True self-care is simply nurturing resilience and compassion through practice in our everyday life.  It’s about bringing our whole self online—integrating mind, body, and spirit. 
 
If you feel you could use a tune-up, re-write parts of your story, and revamp the way you relate to yourself in 2020, here’s the perfect opportunity.  Please join me and my incredible friends Ally and Koula at the Self-Care Workshop coming up Feb. 8-9  in Nashville.   Using the Enneagram, writing, and yoga, we will deep dive into what self-care really is and what it looks like specifically for you right now.  
 
It’s going to be so much fun and deeply transformative.  Me (and my 35-year-old self) can’t wait to see you ;).   

Love & Gratitude,

Katie