3 Myths about Self-Care (and #2 might surprise you)

How do you practice self-care? You would be shocked how many times I’ve heard these two responses in therapy:

1. “What’s that?”

2. “Not very often. It feels selfish.”  

Thankfully, if you’ve had these same reflexes, you’re not alone. There’s no shame. This just means we’re a little confused about our most important relationship: the one with ourself.  

And I know what you’re thinking, “Spare me. Sounds so indulgent.”  

However, do you expect your car to run on empty?  Do you drive it around for months on end without gas or an oil change?  I’m not even a car person, and have been scared into submission to pay attention when that glorious red light signals E, nudging me to the nearest Twice Daily.   

My hunch is, you probably want to maintain your car so it doesn’t fall apart. 

Let’s take it a step further.  Do you expect your nearest and dearest relationships or marriage to thrive without an occasional phone call, text or date night reminding them of your love and appreciation?  

Again, I’m guessing you’re pretty good at showing others you care.  In fact, you’re probably great at it.  Why?  Because it’s socially accepted—even encouraged—and there’s an immediate reward on the other side.  When we show intrinsic kindness to others, we are often appreciated back in some way.  

So why do we neglect the one relationship that is the most constant and powerful of all? Make no mistake, I’m a person of deep faith who believes in and loves God.  Yet, even John Calvin said, “Without knowledge of self, there is no knowledge of God.”  

If we practice self-care and learn how to relate to ourselves in a kind and compassionate way, we are then primed to love the world in a more authentic, generous way. 

If you’re still on the fence, I want to bust a few myths you might buy into that hold you back from practicing some necessary self-care:

1) Self-care equals selfishness:

This is a biggie.  However, self-care is actually highly responsible, adult behavior.  It’s learning to take care of yourself instead of obsessively tending to other people.  In doing so, we learn that part of our job here on earth is to be responsible for our needs and desires instead of undermining them for the sake of others.  Jesus said, “Love your neighbor as yourself.”  This suggests without knowing how to love myself, I don’t know how to love my neighbor.  

Right before take-off, the flight attendant does her thing and gives you instruction for safe travel.  The part that always sticks with me is when she says to first put on your oxygen mask before that of others, even small children.  We love others better when we start with ourselves.  

2) Self-care is takes too much time and effort

“I don’t have time for self-care.” I hear this a lot from mothers.  I quickly retort, “Well do you have time for a mental or physical breakdown?”  The answer is always no. Self-care is made up of a loving mindset that allows for tiny, two-degree shifts in behavior towards yourself.  I’m not asking you to soak in a bubble bath all day, I’m asking you to start regarding yourself with kindness.  Start listening to your needs and take tiny actions to meet them.  

3) I don’t deserve self-care
Dear one, if this is your unconscious go-to belief, you may be carrying a heavy, hurtful burden.  I know from experience there is another way.  Perhaps the first place to start is a trusted friend or therapist to unpack past experiences or relationships that led you to believe this.  Your birthright as a human being is to have needs and desires and get them met.  God didn’t leave you out of this equation.  You’re invited into the feast of wholeness just because you’re here and you’re you.  Please reach out if you feel alone in this space.  

Love & Gratitude,
Katie

P.S.  Interested in learning more about yourself, self-care, and the Enneagram?  I’ve got an exciting opportunity for you if so!  Click here for more info.   

How to Find the Right Therapist

Today, we’re getting real practical.  Let’s be honest: therapy feels a bit odd, awkward, and down right uncomfortable in the first place. How in the world does one go about finding a therapist who will not only make the first wobbly steps somewhat bearable, but also turn out to be someone we actually like?  And yes, contrary to popular belief, you’re going to need to like your therapist in order to trust them, let alone experience growth and healing.  

I had this conversation with my therapist a few weeks back.  Whereas I don’t believe we’re always supposed to be “in therapy,” I’ve always valued the sacred space of therapy as a sounding board and a refiner’s fire so to speak.  In other words, no matter what season I’m in, I depend on my therapist to challenge me, call my BS (bullshit and blindspots), and serve as a loving mirror when the reflection I see is less than compelling.  

Whether you’re in a tight transition or a season of loss, it's imperative to reach out and find the help you need.  As someone who’s sat in therapy far longer as a client then a therapist, I relate to the struggle of finding the right fit.  It’s real.  Today, I want to unpack this process as much as possible.  You’ve already got enough on your plate. 

Prep-work

Before launching on your quest, there’s some necessary prep-work.  Often times, it can be the most difficult part of the process.  

The first step is always to get still, spend about 10-15 minutes alone, and ask yourself what it is you need from therapy.  This may seem obvious, but it’s not.  Oftentimes, we’re operating in crisis.  The survival strategies involved in crisis don’t provide much of a margin for eating, sleeping, let alone self-reflection.  It’s important to give yourself a small window of time and ask yourself a) what you need and b) what you want from therapy.  (Two different questions, mind you.) I find it easiest to write this pertinent information down in a journal or notebook.  This content will serve as somewhat of a roadmap for the journey ahead.  

Once you’ve taken the time to explore these questions, here are five helpful guidelines to follow: 

The Quest

1. Logistics- Let’s get the unsexy bit out of the way.  First things first, you need to get clear on practical parameters such as location, budget, male vs. female, type of therapy (individual/couples/family), availability, and whether or not they offer a sliding scale or the opportunity to use insurance.  These will steer the next several steps accordingly.  It’s worth noting that while some practitioners do accept insurance, some insurance policies only allow for a maximum number of sessions they will cover, making ongoing therapy an out-of-pocket expense.  Also, confidentiality can become an issue when therapists apply diagnostic codes for billing purposes.  Again, all good things to consider and inquire about based on your needs and privacy preferences.   For a helpful therapist directory that often provides answers to several of these basic questions, visit psychologytoday.com.

2. Referral- Ideally, finding referrals from those who know you personally is the best place to start, be it an existing physician, family member, pastor, or friend.  If possible, I always encourage people to start with their current sphere of influence when looking for therapist recommendations.  This is where I’ve always had the most luck. 

3. Style- Just like with dating, you’re not for everyone.  No matter how fabulous you are, you won’t be compatible with every attractive person you meet (*sigh). I tell people this up front in therapy all the time.  I can’t help everyone and am quick to practice transparency when I feel another therapist might be more equipped to support someone with specific needs I don’t feel qualified to meet.  Do you want a no-nonsense, direct approach in therapy or would you prefer a softer, more indirect style?  (Or something in between? ) Do you seek a therapist who is faith-based? Do you appreciate someone of a specific age? These qualifiers will hopefully show up in the prep-work listed above.  

4. Expertise- If you’ve done therapy before and know certain modalities or tools that work for you, it’s important to bring this insight into your search.  Interviewing a handful of possible therapists is important so as to understand their approach and expertise.  Do you want to explore the Enneagram in your work? Do you need a grief or addictions specialist? Do you prefer brain-based therapies such as EMDR or Brainspotting?  Do you like talk-therapy or more of an experiential technique?  Do you need group therapy in addition to individual and which therapists provide this?  

5. Consult-  Most therapist will offer a free 15-30 minute phone consult.  You’re about to invest time and resources into the therapeutic process.  It’s vital to understand a bit more about the experience, training, and approach to therapy they have.  I always encourage this as sometimes we just need an opportunity to suss it out in a quick conversation.  Email is a great starting point, however, I always like to get a feel for communication style and vibe on the phone.  Having as many of the prior steps filled out is bonus so as to be able to clearly ask as many questions as possible.  (Also worth noting, if you need to stay within a budget, therapists who are newer to the field or working towards licensure will often provide a sliding scale rate based on your income.)

And listen, often times this “pre-production” business is a luxury.  Therapy is often a last resort as we find ourselves amidst chaos, crisis, and loss.  In these times, simply taking the brave first step to start therapy with someone and trusting the process to unfold as it should is all we can do.  

P.S. As a helpful checklist, I’ve posted The Cheatsheet: A no-hassle guide to finding the right therapist on my website! 

Oh, P.S.S.  This goes without saying, but I’d LOVE to serve as a resource for you on your quest.  If you have questions for me, or need referrals, I’ve got some incredible ones for you.  Please reach out.

Love & Gratitude,
Katie 

When all else fails, try this.

Have you ever experienced days when no matter how hard you try, or how many tools you have in your proverbial emotional toolkit, or how much you know in that clever thinking mind of yours, you just want to stay curled up in the fetal position in a dark corner of some hidden room and simply cry?  

You’re inconsolable.  

The feelings of despair and powerlessness take on tsunami strength leaving you weak, weary, and barely breathing.  

I had one of those days recently.  It was awful.  

My dominant Enneagram type is four, the Individualist.  We’re known to have a pretty vibrant (read: intense bordering on dramatic) interior emotional landscape.  We’re also known to access the spectrum of that intensity at the drop of a hat.  That being said, I’ve been known to indulge my emotions, feasting on them like a marathon runner carb-loading before race day.  

Despite your Enneagram type, the goal is to grow in self-awareness with regards to those limiting adaptive personality programs (like my aforementioned emotionalism) that run the show and keep us stuck in our type structure so that we can evolve past these behaviors and fully thrive.  

In Enneagram circles, (or basically every coffee shop in Nashville), we hear the phrase, “become your true self” tossed around quite a bit.  I love this idea.  Enneagram fours are also known to have this mad concept crush on authenticity, depth, and meaning.  So the idea of “becoming your true self” is truly intoxicating.  

Back to that awful day.  (And I’m going to land this plane quickly.  Too many words will throw us off course here.)

What if, in the truest, deepest part of you, there’s this growling need to simply surrender to the primal force of what you’re feeling?  To be “all in” so to speak?  To not try and fix, figure it out, numb, or run like hell?  

What if, in order to fully and consciously show up each day, we hold a margin of space for the brokenness inside to be just that…broken?  Our feelings will not kill us.  They may feel impossible at times, but like a storm at sea, they eventually calm.

After all, on this journey of growth and integration, change is inevitable.  With every change, “good” and “bad,” we incur a loss.  Loss must be grieved.  Period.  It must be acknowledged, felt, and witnessed by someone safe.  Eventually, we’re able to release it and receive something new.  

Rilke said, “no feeling is final.”  Yet to be human is to feel. 

Emotion is the language of the heart and body and to live in silence is to ultimately die.  

And so, Dear One, know that when all else fails and the bleakness of winter doesn’t show visible signs of spring, cling to this truth from Julian of Norwich,

“All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.” 

Speak this out when nothing else makes sense.   Hold it close, even if you don’t believe it.  I’ve been in that space, clung to those words, and can believe it for you.

The darkest night sets the stage for a breaking dawn.  Even the longest winter must give way to the rights of spring.  

Your birthright is to Bloom. 

Love & Gratitude,
Katie

Looking for Purpose? Start Here....

I'm a big advocate for the sacred process of finding your voice—and courageously learning to use it.

In my experience, slowly crossing the threshold of confidence into the land of self-compassion and acceptance gave me this newfound freedom and excitement to be heard and seen.

It’s kind of like waking up on Christmas morning as a kid, getting that one cherished toy you’d been asking for but thought your folks probably forgot…but then they came through. All you want to do is keep it close and show it off.  You love everyone, even your younger brother. The world is a beautiful place. You’re so proud and you can’t stop talking about it.

It may annoy people for a minute, and that’s okay, they’ll get over it…they love you too.

What I quickly learned is in order to truly find your voice and speak from that sacred heart space, you must first learn to listen really closely and often.

I love what Parker Palmer says in one of my all-time favorite books on finding your calling, Let Your Life Speak (a must read if you haven’t already…super short too).

He says, “Before I can tell my life what I want to do with it, I must listen to my life telling me who I am.” 

Sounds esoteric, right?  I actually think it’s us who overcomplicate things.

To create, we must get still and present. We must lean into the unknown. We must…listen.

Just as a flower grows and blooms from a tiny seed, you and I have everything we need to thrive locked safely inside us. Sure, we may need to nurture that part of us with inspiration and encouragement, but I assure you, it’s all in there.

As a species, humans are created to thrive and succeed, not to merely survive. Our creative imaginations are what set us apart from other species. Inside of you, there is a creative mechanism that is fully capable of getting you from merely existing to succeeding.

That’s right, you get to create the life you love.

What happens so often though, is that we get lazy, want to be told what to do, and as a result, autopilot through life. No wonder we wake up in our mid-thirties or forties with a serious purpose deficiency and a bad back in search of a pill or a promise that will make us feel alive again.  

We’ve not been listening. We’ve been busy, hustling, fitting in.

We all fall somewhere on this spectrum of finding our voice. Maybe you have recently unlocked this stunning, shiny voice of yours and you really like using it. The test drive is intoxicating. Or, perhaps you're  completely shut down, confusing everyone else’s demands and desires with your own. You’re exhausted and maybe even a bit resentful.  

Either way, the next best step is to slow down, take several very deep breaths, and simply listen. Feel your feet on the floor and your spine growing up from your seat. Notice the sensations inside your body; they’re talking alright. Give the tension a little time-out; you can pick her up in just a minute.

This is your true self. This is the space free of ego. This is where, with some practice, your life will speak to you in profound and sweet ways. This is the power of presence inside of you. It’s the magnificent Motherload. Let’s give it a listen.

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

xoxo 

The Moment We've Been Waiting For...

Do you spend most of your days living from the neck up?  You know, all cozy and comfy in the confines of that overworked thinking-mind of yours?  If you answered yes, you’re not alone my friend.  In fact, from what I’ve learned as a therapist and recovering everything, I’m convinced the top two challenges we face today are anxiety and loneliness.  

Anxiety is an epidemic in our current cultural overdrive of striving and control.  It takes one to know one, so you should know I’ve got some certifiable experience in this illusory realm.  Not only that, but I’ve experienced tremendous healing through what I believe to be the answer to this cry for help.  

I’ve been studying brain science a lot lately.  I’m far from expert, but at the turtle pace I’ve been going in this general direction, I know enough to scratch the surface of the powerful mind-body connection I’ve come to live (and literally breathe) by.  

I’m learning one of the most detrimental side effects of stress and anxiety on the brain and body is literal disease (dis-ease), eventually leading to numbing strategies, isolation, and loneliness.  There’s that big “L” word.  

What I’m also learning is one of the key remedies for a stressed out world is not a pill or even an hour of therapy, though this can be helpful.  

You know what it is?  Community.  

Dr. Mark Hyman, Medical Director at the Cleveland Clinic’s Center for Functional Medicine and #1 New York Times Bestselling Author says, “The power of community to create health is far greater than any physician, clinic or hospital.”  I’d go on to add psychotherapist to his list.  

I wholeheartedly believe in individual therapy.  It’s been a lifeline for me at times along the way.  However, I’m convinced we need more.  We simply must experience the power of healing in the context of community.  

For this reason, my approach to therapy is three-pronged: Individual therapy supported by both group therapy and an ongoing daily regimen prescribed specifically to meet your unique needs.  Conscious self-awareness glues it all together.   

In light of this, I’m thrilled to invite you deeper into this transformational work.  Over the past several years, I’ve been designing a 6-month experiential group that will launch in March!  This design is built on my own group work and training at Onsite Workshops, The Narrative Enneagram, personal research and feedback from clients throughout the last decade-plus.  

If you’re in Nashville and looking for a different approach to therapy, a break from individual therapy, or a supportive cushion for the successful work you’re already doing, Bloom Groups are for you.  

On Thursday, March 14th at 6:30pm, I’ll be hosting a Bloom Group kick-off at the stunning White Avenue Studio for anyone interested in learning more about this opportunity.  You'll  get a taste of what you can expect in group by exploring the power of community, experiential therapy, and the mind-body-spirit connection.  (There may even be yoga and delicious treats involved.) 

You’ll meet others, like yourself, who are committed to this journey of self-exploration and transformation.   

I’m beyond excited to go deeper into your story this year as well as offer a safe, fun space to thrive and truly be seen and known.  

Click HERE to learn more about and sign up for The Bloom Groups Kick-off. 

Love & Gratitude,
Katie